You might be familiar with the “no contact” strategy. As the name suggests, it means completely avoiding any kind of interaction with someone for a period of time.
Supposedly, it should reignite relationships that are becoming boring or are “losing the spark.”
But what if your partner has already lost feelings for you? What if he says that he just doesn’t love you anymore? Will it still work?
Maybe you’ve been scratching your head, deciding if it’s better to text him again or go no contact. But take a deep breath and don’t do anything just yet.
Read this guide first so you know exactly what steps to take.
Will no contact work if he lost feelings?
In my own experience, as well as what I’ve seen from others, going no contact will almost never make someone love you again. Or, at the very least, it won’t be the main reason why.
Still, I know you’re probably asking…
“But what if it does?”
Will no contact actually make him love me again?
Unfortunately, I can’t answer that.
Human emotions are infinitely complex. Whether or not his feelings for you “restart” also depends on countless other factors.
What no contact will likely cause instead is to make him reevaluate how he sees and feel about you.
For example, if you keep trying to cling to him even if he’s requested no contact, he may use it as an opportunity to toy with you or manipulate you.
But, if you comply or are the one who initiated no contact, things might be different. he’ll see you as someone…
And that just might make him attracted to you once again. It’s kind of like reverse psychology. Sometimes, the more we can’t have something, the more we want it.
However, the odds of this happening are still exceedingly rare, especially if he requested the no-contact rule. It means that he really wants to move on from you completely.
Will he love me again if he completely lost his feelings?
The odds of him redeveloping feelings for you are significantly higher if he hasn’t completely lost these feelings.
If there is still an inkling of love for you left in his heart, that is when they might realize he wants you back during a period of no contact.
During no contact, he would have had the space and time to reflect on the relationship. In doing so, he might remember why he was drawn to you in the first place, and subsequently, fall back in love with you again.
But if he is completely sure that he’s lost all interest and affection for you, then don’t count on this rule to get him back.
If for some reason, you’re trying to make him fall for you again by using the no contact rule, you should know that it’s wrong.
It’s just plain manipulation.
There are so many more things that you can do to make him love you again…or, better yet – move on!
But, if you find yourself in a situation where he seems to have lost his feelings to you and you want to try the “no contact” method, read further.
What is a “no contact” strategy?
The strategy is based on the adage “absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
When we’re around someone all the time, things can definitely become monotonous. The relationship just isn’t as fun and exciting anymore.
Thus, the assumption is that spending time away from him makes mixes things up a bit and makes us miss him more. It helps keep things fresh and will strengthen your bond once you reunite.
However, the no-contact strategy we’re referring to here is when you completely cut off all and any communication with an ex after breaking up.
The goal of this tactic is NOT to make your ex want you back. Rather, it’s a tool that helps you move on quicker and more effectively.
If your partner does end up missing you, that’s just an extra thing—for better or for worse.
What to do during no-contact time instead
If you’ve noticed that he has grown cold and distant toward you—or worse, outright resentful—then you should definitely maintain some space.
Trying to get closer to him is not a good idea. Your presence just might bring out the worst in him. He might lash out at you and the both of you will feel even worse.
As dumpees, the best things we can do for both him and yourself are:
- Avoid any more arguments;
- Avoid further ruining his perception of you;
- Avoid anything that will painfully remind us of him;
So, let’s go back to the main question: is no contact effective if he lost feelings?
Effective for what?
Effective for getting him back? It might be—but it shouldn’t be!
If this is what you want, then you should do some deep reflection. Why do you want him back and why do you want to get him back this way?
But is it effective for helping you move on? Absolutely!
Here are 5 things to do or keep in mind to make it even more effective.
1) Stop using social media
First and foremost, you need to protect your mental health. Get off social media.
Being on social media will only show you things about your ex like:
- What he’s up to;
- The places he’s going;
- Who he’s spending time with;
- Or even what he thinks of you.
You don’t need to know any of these.
Yes, you’re not directly interacting with him per se, but you might as well be. No contact includes not seeing his social media.
“I’ll just unfriend him or block him,” you might say. But what if he appears on posts by your mutual friends?
Speaking of friends, you also need to accept that you can’t be friends with him. At least not actively and not anytime soon.
Maybe in the distant future when you’re in better, healthier states, you can be friendly acquaintances. But that’s a long time coming.
And don’t try seeing what he’s up to through these mutual friends as well.
It’s really so much safer to completely get off. I know it’s hard, but as of the moment, you need to focus on yourself and not on others.
2) Get a piece of tailored advice for your situation
I know it might seem a natural way to deal with a situation like this on your own. While it’s painful to have your loved one turn his back on you you may also start to think that there’s something wrong with you. And that the whole blame is on you.
I’ve been there. It’s not healthy and not necessary to feel this way.
My long-term boyfriend has suddenly turned cold to me after being together for more than 10 years. I was struggling to understand why that happened, and couldn’t wrap my head around what I should do about it.
I naturally decided to go “no contact” with him. Did it work? Not much…
I soon discovered that there were other, more effective ways to deal with the situation.
While the rest of the points in this article are still very insightful if you’re in the “no contact” phase, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.
I’m not a big fan of coaches, to be honest. But once I had a painful breakup and felt completely lost in my feelings, a coach was a beacon of light for me, that led me through the healing process.
To be honest, when I reached out to the coach, I expected some vague advice about cheering up or being strong.
But to my surprise, I got very in-depth, specific, and practical advice about addressing my problem.
Besides helping me to get to a better state mentally, the coach also shared some real solutions to improving many things that my partner and I had been struggling with for years.
I knew that by getting help from the outside, I’ll gain a new perspective and will be able to look at the situation differently.
Relationship Hero is where I found this special coach who helped turn things around for me.
It is a hugely popular relationship coaching site because they provide solutions, not just talk.
Once you’re there, you can get in touch with one of the certified relationship coaches and get a bit of personalized advice.
I can totally recommend this approach.
3) Know that it’s okay if you still love him
As I said before, human emotions are infinitely complex. We also can’t fully control how we feel.
Understand that it’s completely natural to have mixed feelings about your ex. It’s normal to have residual love as well as feelings of hatred and resentment at the same time.
Moving on is essentially a grieving process. It’s long and arduous and it’ll have its ups and downs.
So don’t blame yourself if you miss him badly during some days. Don’t think that this is a sign that you can’t move on.
What you felt for him was real and powerful and letting go of that is far from simple.
Here are three important nuggets of wisdom about this topic I’ve learned over the years:
- Having residual feelings of love only means that you’re human. Forgive yourself for being human and imperfect!
- It also means that you’re still capable of loving fully. In the future, you’ll once again experience love that is just as fulfilling and beautiful—if not even more so!
- Think of your past relationship as a beautiful tourist spot you’ve visited in the past. It was a great trip, but you don’t want to stay there forever. You simply have other places you need to go to!
Take these things to heart.
They’ve helped me move on after even the most painful of breakups, and I’m sure he’ll help you too.
4) Focus on your bigger goals
While it may seem like a very important part of your life at the moment, your relationship isn’t the only thing you should shift your attention to.
There are also other areas of your life where you can grow as a person, achieve success, and feel valued and loved.
To get there, you have to set up goals bigger than just “get my ex back”.
Don’t get me wrong, they may play a huge role in your life. But if they lost feelings for you, you might as well search for happiness elsewhere.
Here’s the list of things you can focus on instead:
- Spend quality time with your friends and family, cherish other important relationships in your life;
- Unleash your creativity: discover what brings you joy and dedicate time to that;
- Work on your spirituality: find teachings or philosophy that resonates with you and try to become a more spiritual person;
- Make long-term plans: think of the things you want to achieve in life and create a plan on how you’ll get there.
5) Practice self-love
Yes, I know you’ve heard it before. But there’s a reason why you keep hearing it: it’s 100% true.
You lost someone who you loved and that loved you. So what now?
Well, be that person!
Your relationship with yourself is by far the most important relationship you will ever, ever have. It’s even more important when you’re trying to move on from an ex.
I know loving oneself and being happy with oneself isn’t happy. After all, society perpetuates this ever-harmful myth that happiness comes from external sources.
Also, breakups will also inevitably have a negative effect on our self-worth. You might ask yourself questions like:
- Was I not good enough?
- Did I do something wrong?
- Am I a bad person?
- Am I not deserving of love?
- What if no one else will love me again?
With breakups, you’re not just losing a lover. You’re also losing a version of yourself— the you that was in the relationship.
This is why the next point is ever so crucial.
6) Change his perception of your relationship
One of the ways to get that spark back is to change the emotions he associates with you. In other words, you should make him picture what a brand new relationship with you would look like.
I once did it in the past, when I started to feel that my boyfriend at the time was losing his feelings for me.
I started to text him specific things that evoked his interest, made me more desirable in his eyes, and made him beg for seeing me again.
This worked very well for me but it doesn’t mean you have to try to win him back.
Sometimes, the best option is to simply move on from somebody, who doesn’t feel your true value.
7) Envision a future without him
To be able to actually move forward, you need to think about moving forward without him.
Ask yourself these questions:
- What are my goals for the future?
- What kind of person do I want to become?
- And what steps can I take towards these things?
By answering these questions, you’ll be crafting a vision of a future you’re looking forward to. You’ll craft a new, post-breakup version of yourself and also envision an ideal version of yourself that you want to become someday.
In a journal, write down all these things. Things you want to do, become, and accomplish. Not only will you be able to express your emotions, but you’ll also formulate solid, rational plans about how to reach these goals.
And you just might realize that it’s now easier to strive for these things now that you’re single!
Overall, in order to get over the past, you need to be excited about the future.
Signs that going no contact made him grow feelings again
Perhaps the only thing that’s just as excruciating as the pain after a breakup is if there’s any confusion. On-again off-again relationships are toxic and the “what are we?” dilemma is not fun at all.
If you’re wondering whether or not your no-contact agreement actually made him fall in love with you again, here are six signs you should watch out for.
If he does these things, then his feelings for you are definitely back—or never were never gone.
1) He tries to contact you
The first sign is the easiest and quickest to spot: if he breaks the no-contact rule and… well, contacts you.
Going no contact is far easier said than done. Leaving someone’s life completely after being so intimately intertwined with them can leave both parties feeling puzzled and lost.
If he initiated the no contact rule, but expected and wanted you to wallow and pine over you, then his true intentions weren’t to move on. He was playing mind games with you and wanted you to desire him again.
Ironically, it just might be him who regrows feelings and wants you back.
If this happens, then expect the radio silence to dissipate quickly. You’ll suddenly receive tons of texts and calls from him. Or, if he’s daring, he’ll even go to you physically.
Other common ways he might try to reach out include:
- Texting you to “check-in” on you;
- Texting or calling you, asking for “closure”
- Commenting on your social media posts;
- Posting pictures of the two of you and expecting a reaction out of you;
- Asking your loved ones about how you are;
- Asking your mutual friends if you’ve found another partner;
- Making a mutual friend deliver a message from him;
- Showing up at places you’re at “accidentally;
2) He asks your loved ones about you
As we said above, this might be one of the reasons he reaches out to you, albeit indirectly. If he can’t contact you yourself, then he’ll do it through your friends.
He’ll ask them how you are, what you’re doing, or if you have a new partner. This is a sign that he still can’t stop thinking about you.
He still has strong feelings (or has feelings for you again) and he just can’t help but get direct updates about you. In reality, he just can’t stand complete radio silence.
In fact, he’s probably not interested in just those things alone.
Rather, he’s likely hoping that the loved ones he talked to might inform you that he asked them. Then, he’s hoping that this intrigues you and will push you to contact him instead.
3) He’s seeking forgiveness
Going no contact will give him the time and space to reflect. He might realize his mistakes during the relationship.
If he wants to reconcile and reunite with you, one of the first things he’ll try to do is to atone for his wrongdoings.
Maybe he was always angry. Or he was disrespectful towards you. Or he cheated. Or he didn’t communicate properly in the relationship.
Either way, whether he breaks the rule or tries to contact you after the agreed-upon no-contact period, expect him to be a completely different person.
He’ll try his best to be kind, sweet, and respectful to you as he asks for forgiveness. He’ll promise you that he won’t make the same mistakes as he asks for another chance.
4) He’ll express anger toward you
On the other hand, instead of trying to ask for forgiveness, he might do the opposite and be angry with you.
The whole situation frustrates him. Thus, he might project his own emotions and insecurities on you. Don’t be surprised if he starts:
- Calling you names;
- Blaming you for the relationship failing (even if it was mostly his fault);
- Demanding apologies from you;
While he’s definitely throwing you some vitriol, deep inside, he probably still loves you.
He just doesn’t want to admit it to himself. It also frustrates him that he has lost control over you when he wants you back.
All this emotional turmoil he’s experiencing is causing him to lash out at you. He just wants your attention—even if it’s the negative kind, it’s better than complete silence for him.
He might say something along the lines of:
- Who do you think you are?
- You think you’re so good for doing this?
- You really think you can live without me, huh?
- Stop being immature!
Signs that going no contact is helping you move on
1) You start responding to attention from others
If you’re successfully moving on from your old relationship, you’ll find yourself noticing or even enjoying and entertaining interest from other people.
No longer are you so deep in the post-breakup blues that you don’t realize it when someone is trying to flirt with you!
This means that your ex is taking up less and less space in your mind and the emotional baggage is getting lighter and lighter to carry. It means that you’re no longer putting your life on hold, hoping that you’ll get back together.
Instead, your mind is beginning to open up to new possibilities. You’re looking forward to the future rather than clinging to the past.
If the no contact rule is working for you, you’ll begin:
- Fantasizing about future romantic relationships;
- Having crushes on other people again;
- Stop hoping for the old relationship to come back;
- Being able to function properly without the baggage of the past weighing you down;
- Regaining your self-esteem;
- Finding joy in your hobbies once again.
In fact, you might even consider talking with your ex again—or getting back with them!
The key difference here is that you’re making an informed, rational decision with a clear, light head instead of doing it out of impulse, nostalgia, or insecurity.
2) It stops any on-and-off cycles
Love is a hell of a drug. Don’t tell me love has never made you act crazy—I know it made me!
As I said above, most of the time we get back with an ex, it’s out of impulse, nostalgia, or insecurity.
But we’re just looking back at the relationship with rose-tinted glasses. Or maybe the suffering of separating is too much and we reunite to numb the pain.
It’s not because we rationally decided that they’re the right partner for us.
That’s how you find yourself in chaotic on-and-off cycles with your ex.
I get it. Breaking up with someone can cause some serious withdrawal symptoms, making you reunite with them soon after a painful breakup.
If ever you’re on the verge of doing that, remember that you’re effectively:
- Forgetting that there’s probably a good reason you broke up in the first place;
- Ignoring all the unresolved issues and conflicts;
- Making yourself experience all the pain again.
Then, you’ll find yourself breaking up again.
After all, problems and incompatibilities don’t magically fix themselves.
If you’re able to put your foot down and tell yourself that enough is enough, then going no contact was definitely the right choice.
3) You’re thriving in other areas of life
Your negative feelings might make you wish that going no contact makes your ex jealous or regretful. But the true intention is to facilitate healing so you can move on completely.
If it’s working as it should, you should gradually start feeling more optimistic about the future. If one day, you wake up looking forward to the day and the things you might accomplish, then that’s great.
Your mental health and emotional well-being are no longer being bogged down by the baggage of the past. Because of this, you’ll find yourself back in the usual groove of things. Heck, you might even be thriving!
- Are feeling inspired at work;
- Having more fun with your friends;
- Feeling more connected with your family;
- Finding joy in your personal hobbies;
…then you’re on the right path.
Because you’re not tied to a toxic relationship—or at least one that wasn’t right for you—you now have more time and energy to devote to other aspects of your life.
If no contact is working, then there should be a new, fresh, reinvigorated you!
To wrap up
The most important thing to do to ensure that going no contact works is to not have any expectations.
Remember, the goal of no-contact is to help both of you move on! It’s not a way for you to play mind games with each other.
While you can decide things such as how long the no-contact period will be, understand that you largely have no control over how things will end up with regard to your boyfriend.
The only thing you can control is yourself and how you deal with things that come your way.
Clinging on to hope or trying to use the no contact rule as a way to manipulate them into loving you again is wrong, unhealthy, and often disappointing.
You have no idea when or if he will come back. The waiting process will be excruciating because you have an expectation.
In reality, a reunion—and by that, I mean a healthy one—can only occur if the both of you see each other in a different light and commit to being better partners to each other.
Truth be told, this might only happen if both or either of you gets into toxic relationships with other people. Then, you’ll realize that he actually was the right person for you.
Or maybe you just truly aren’t—and that’s okay. We’ll still be here, rooting for you as you go through your no-contact period!
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
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