Being stuck at home with no one to go out with is one of the most disappointing feelings.
I’ve been there before—in fact, being single (and not wanting to be) used to be a huge source of unhappiness for me.
But here’s the thing: my outlook wasn’t healthy; I’ve since been able to identify what was stopping me from finding people to date, and changed my thinking for the better.
That’s what this article is all about. I’ll show you 20 things that you might be doing wrong: fix them and you’ll find a boyfriend in no time.
20 things stopping you
1) Stuck in old habits
It’s important we re-evaluate our habits regularly. Habits have an easy way of forming and a difficult time leaving, whether healthy or unhealthy.
And when it comes to the dating world, this holds just as true. You might be unable to find a boyfriend because you’re just plain stuck in your old habits.
You go to the same restaurants and bars, hang out with the same groups of people.
Or perhaps you stay in more than you go out, preferring to keep out of the social spotlight and spend your evenings alone.
These things in their own right are perfectly healthy; there’s nothing wrong with them.
But if they haven’t led you to a new, healthy, and budding relationship, these old habits could prove to be the main obstacle holding you back.
2) An unhealthy self-image
How does self-image relate to other people wanting to date you?
On the surface, it might not seem relevant—your potential boyfriend has no idea how you see yourself, so why should it matter?
Well, there are a few big reasons—number one being your happiness and confidence.
If you’re not confident, you’re not likely to initiate or forge an initial connection into something more.
An unhealthy self-image can lead to unhappiness about your life, your circumstances, and sap any desire to make things better.
It can prevent you from finding a boyfriend, which in turn could lead you to have an even more negative self-image. This cycle can be vicious.
It’s important to focus on yourself, your happiness, and your confidence first. Everything else will follow.
Here’s a bunch of really great quotes about self-love and self-esteem.
3) Unrealistic expectations
Having expectations is something we all do. However, our expectations rarely match the reality of things, and that often leads to disappointment, even unhappiness.
In that way, then, having unrealistic expectations about a potential boyfriend could lead to disappointment.
In fact, it could be the biggest reason you haven’t yet been able to find a boyfriend.
At the end of the day, nobody is perfect. We all have flaws; these things make us unique and define our individuality.
In other words, no two people are going to get along perfectly, and no one person is going to be a 100% perfect fit for you.
Being realistic will help you find a boyfriend, and keep him. No one likes the feeling of being unable to live up to someone else’s standards, whether they’re “too high” or not.
Just remember, having personal boundaries and an idea of who you want to be with is different than having unrealistic expectations in a relationship.
4) Picking the wrong people
This is one of my biggest weaknesses. I always end up falling in love with someone that I know I won’t be able to date.
Whether they’re already taken, not looking for a relationship, or just clearly not interested in someone like me.
Finding a boyfriend is already difficult enough, why make it harder for yourself by picking the wrong ones?
Try this instead: remove all your preconceived notions for who “Mr. Right” is, or what you’re “type” is. Focus instead on just meeting new people.
Get to know them at face value. You’ll be surprised to find that you can enjoy the company of all kinds of people. And then, who knows, you might just fall in love.
Here are some early signs that he might just be falling for you, too.
5) Missing the right people
This point dovetails with the previous one quite nicely. In the same sense that you could be only dating “bad boys” as a form of self-sabotage (picking the wrong people), you could be missing the right ones, right in front of you.
This is exactly why removing those preconceived notions can be so beneficial.
Of course, you have a good idea of what kind of guy you’re compatible with, but there’s nothing wrong with seeing people with a fresh perspective.
Especially if you’ve never met them before.
So just remember, if you’re wondering if you’ll ever find a boyfriend, keep a sharp lookout, and don’t rule anyone out right away.
Who knows, he could be right in front of you.
6) You’re emotionally unavailable
Relationships, when they first start out, are really easy. You meet, fall in love, have tons of sex, and are generally euphoric about each other and about life.
Unfortunately, that can only last so long, even if you’re fully compatible.
A meaningful relationship is built on vulnerability and the ability to avail ourselves emotionally to our partner.
In other words, if you’re emotionally unavailable, you’re going to have a hard time finding a boyfriend.
Emotional intimacy is just as important, if not more important, than physical intimacy in a relationship.
If you have difficulties being emotionally vulnerable with a partner, try to pinpoint the reason why. Understanding yourself is so important to the success of a relationship.
Here’s an interesting article about dating an emotionally unavailable man.
I mentioned self-sabotage briefly in a previous point, but this can prove to be quite a difficult obstacle in finding a boyfriend (and keeping one).
So what exactly does relationship self-sabotage look like?
Well, it could be deliberately dating guys you know will either hurt you and leave you, or guys you know you’re incompatible with.
It could also be that once you’re in a relationship, you start distancing yourself emotionally, failing to respond, essentially strangling the relationship until he leaves you.
In any case, it’s clear that self-sabotage can lead to all kinds of problems, and not just in romantic relationships.
Here are some other interesting reasons why unhealthy relationships often end after 3 months.
8) Averse to trying new things
This may seem slightly irrelevant, but it does have a bearing on your success in finding a boyfriend.
Much like my first point, being stuck in the same old ways can only lead to the same old results.
If you’re really serious about getting a different result and finding a boyfriend, it’s worth re-evaluating how open you are to trying something new.
Seriously, there’s no harm in trying new things. If you’re averse to new things, you won’t be able to broaden your tastes, and you’ll have difficulties finding new people to meet.
So, shake it up, dare yourself to try something you’ve never done before. If it doesn’t lead directly to a boyfriend, know that when you do find one, you’ll be an even more interesting person.
9) Dating for the wrong reasons
Why, exactly, are you dating? Have you ever asked yourself that before?
It’s a really good question to ask, and it might revolutionize your self-perception.
In fact, it’s the biggest question that helped me breakthrough my unhealthy thought patterns revolving around dating.
I was so unhappy alone, unable to be comfortable with myself. I was using dating and other people as a patch for my own issues. I was ignoring my loneliness.
Once I realized that I was dating for the wrong reasons, I very quickly became happier, healthier, and more content with my life.
When I was ready to date again, I was far more successful and happy. And so were the relationships.
Don’t be afraid to re-evaluate your reasons for dating. It can only lead to self-growth.
Here are some more probing signs that might be hindering you from finding true love, and what you can do about it.
10) You’re not sure what you want
Having an unclear picture of what you’re looking for will lead to frustration in the dating scene.
Not just for you, but for the guys who’ll potentially be your boyfriend.
In other words, if you’re unsure what you want, that’s going to be conveyed on your dates.
For the guys who do know what they’re looking for, they’ll sense that you’re unsure, and are likely to move on.
As I’ve mentioned in a few previous points, it’s vital to avoid having unrealistic expectations.
However, having a picture of what you want, both in life and in relationships, will help determine compatibility.
And, especially at the beginning of a relationship, determining compatibility is so important.
11) Coming on too strong
Everyone wants and needs love. Everyone gets lonely and craves affection.
These desires only grow stronger the longer we go without love.
So, for someone who wonders if they’ll ever find a boyfriend, someone who hasn’t dated in a long time, these desires can be almost unbearably strong.
Especially if you’re actively looking for a relationship.
Just remember, try not to come on too strong. It can end up being a deterrent, or a red flag, for people you’ve just met.
They’re afraid you might be too intense for them, or too clingy (which we’ll talk about next).
12) Too needy or clingy
It’s important to know your boundaries: what you need and expect from a relationship.
It will allow you to better communicate with your partner, be more honest and straightforward, and keep you healthy and happy.
However, if you’re too demanding and needy, it can tax and put a strain on any relationship. If you’re wondering if you’ll ever find a boyfriend, this could be one obstacle holding you back.
I’ve been far too clingy in the past; believe me when I say that learning how to deal with these feelings and avoid being too clingy is one of the best things you can do for the success and happiness of your relationships.
Here are some big signs you’re a clingy girlfriend (and what you can do about it).
13) Too independent and stubborn
On the opposite end of the spectrum, it could be that you’re too independent and stubborn.
As a guy, I can say that I value independence in a woman. I think it’s very attractive. However, it does reach a point of extreme.
Here’s the thing: a relationship is all about learning to work together, to be connected, intimate, and to lean on each other.
If you’re too independent, your potential boyfriend is going to feel isolated, lonely, forgotten, and he’ll wonder what the point of dating you is at all.
If you’re too stubborn, you’ll find that your boyfriend is frustrated, he feels never heard or respected, and he’ll be inclined to leave.
All in all, if you’re wondering if you’ll ever find a boyfriend, it could be because you’re just too stubborn or independent.
14) Afraid of commitment
It could be that you’re afraid of commitment. Like many people, the idea of commitment is a scary one.
Indeed, it can be very intimidating. This is especially true if you’ve been hurt before, or recently come out of a very committed relationship that failed.
In any case, this fear of commitment can bleed through into your actions even before you start dating someone.
Ask yourself honestly, “Am I afraid of commitment?” It could be what’s holding you back from finding a boyfriend.
If you’re wondering why so many guys pull away before they commit, here’s a great article detailing a few of the many reasons.
15) You never make the first move
Traditionally speaking, guys are usually the first to make a move. However, that’s not entirely true anymore.
In fact, I find it highly flattering when a girl approaches me. Even more, it raises my interest in her and attraction to her by a significant amount.
So don’t be afraid to make the first move, especially if you’ve been “waiting around” for guys to hit on you first, with no results.
You want a boyfriend? Go get him. There’s nothing stopping you.
Here are some really good signs to look out for if you’re wondering if a guy wants to date you.
16) A negative outlook
If you think a relationship is doomed from the start, it probably is.
If you think that you’re doomed to be alone, or that you’re never going to find a boyfriend, you probably won’t.
Our perception of reality affects our reality.
What that means is this: change your negative outlook. I know, it can be demoralizing: each day that passes and you still haven’t found a boyfriend.
You might want to give up, or start thinking in absolutes: “It’ll never happen. Nobody could love me.”
However, that thinking could be the one thing stopping you from finding a boyfriend. Try to have a positive outlook.
When you affirm yourself and take positive action, you’ll start to feel better, gain confidence, and soon the universe will start working in your favor.
Getting out of your head and taking tangible steps forward will yield surprising results.
Here’s some good signs to look out for when your soulmate is about to enter your life.
17) A bad listener
Everyone likes to be heard. When we talk, what we’re saying is important to us; there’s a reason we shared it with the world.
However, all healthy relationships run like a two-way street.
It could be that you’re a bad listener, and that boulevard only runs one way.
Finding a boyfriend can be hard if he never feels like he can get a word in edgewise—he’ll find it very frustrating to try to get close to you when he feels like he’s never heard.
Being a good listener is difficult. In fact, most people aren’t good listeners at all. Do your best to really tune into what he’s saying, instead of just waiting to talk.
Try to engage fully when he speaks. These habits will go a long way in every relationship, including the potential romantic one you’re daydreaming about with him while he talks.
Here are some really interesting physiological signs someone has a crush on you.
18) Too self-absorbed
I tend to get lost in my own world pretty easily; it’s not hard to become too self-absorbed.
This can be true, too, if it’s been a while since you’ve been in a serious relationship with someone before.
For instance, you’ve spent the past few months focusing on yourself, taking care of yourself, working on your personal growth.
And now, suddenly, you’re interested in someone, he might be interested in you, and you’re still in the habit of focusing on yourself.
Indeed, the difference between being single and being in a relationship is the amount of time you spend focused on yourself.
It’s important to not be too self-absorbed with your wants and needs. No one wants to date a self-inflated egomaniac who’s too caught up in their own narrative.
19) Taking yourself too seriously
Life is hard. It’s easy to let the humor drain out of it as you shoulder burden after burden.
However, a sense of humor is one of the most helpful things in life. It’s instrumental in being able to cope with the difficulties of life. Laughing is really good for health, too, and reduces stress.
In other words, wondering if you’ll ever find a boyfriend can be stressful and worrisome.
But don’t take yourself too seriously. Enjoy the journey, laugh at your mistakes (and the terrible first dates), and take comfort in knowing that you’ll find someone soon.
20) Spending too much time on dating apps
Don’t get me wrong, dating apps have revolutionized our ability to meet people, make connections, and find love.
However, they can also be a hindrance. In so many cases, getting out there and meeting people in real life is the fastest way to a new relationship.
I’ve personally spent countless hours on dating apps, and have had virtually zero success.
For all the time you spend endlessly swiping on pixelated pictures of people, you could be missing the one for you, as he walks by on the sidewalk in front of your door.
Personal development and self-care
So you’re on the hunt for a boyfriend. It’s been a long, frustrating process that has led you to the question: “Will I ever find a boyfriend?”
And it’s a valid question to have. Meeting people is never easy, whether it’s a relationship, friendship, or otherwise.
But I think there’s a more important question to ask: “What can I do in the meantime?”
Whether or not you find a boyfriend doesn’t change the fact that life is still moving, time is still marching forward.
What you do with yourself right here and right now, regardless of your relationship status, is the most important.
So make sure to focus on your personal growth. Figure out what makes you happiest, and then don’t be afraid to do it. Pursue your dreams and goals.
Learn how to love yourself, flaws and all.
Make sure to take care of yourself, too. Whether it’s physically, mentally, or otherwise. Good habits lead to happiness and satisfaction—no matter our circumstances.
And remember, finding the one you love will most likely happen while you’re doing what you love.
The real reason why men pull away
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