So you called it off with your man. Perhaps, at the time, the breakup felt necessary. It was crystal clear that you needed someone else, something else, anything else.
But now you might be missing him? Are you doubting your decision and feeling a flood of sadness and regret?
Don’t worry, it’s normal to feel that way. Breakups are very hard. Broken spirits and broken hearts are part of the risk of intimacy and dating.
It can feel completely natural and understandable to love and hate your ex-boyfriend at the same time.
Perhaps you are adamant that you want to get your boyfriend back after breaking up with him? But is it worth all the trouble?
When you reflect on your relationship with your ex, take some time and honestly ask yourself the following questions:
1) Why Do You Want Him Back?
“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.”
– Raymond Lindquist
Breakups are never easy. They can put us into a downward spiral of sadness, depression, regret, and pain.
An important difference to understand when you want your man back is whether you miss him or if you miss being in a relationship.
Consider all of his positive and negative qualities. Were his worst expressions and qualities something that you would welcome again? One way to look at this more closely is to write a pros and cons list of his attributes.
2) What is Your Current Status?
“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.”
– Robert Frost
Is your ex-boyfriend still in your life? Are you texting and talking with one another? Are you still on speaking terms? Do you act friendly towards one another and still spend time together?
What is the tone of his messages and voice? Is he upbeat and civil? Or does he lash out at your messages and questions and remind you of pain from the past?
Or is your ex-boyfriend ignoring you, refusing to talk with you, ghosting, or blocking you? If he won’t speak with you, it can feel like making up is nearly impossible.
Or have you mutually decided to take some space apart? Are you both active singles? Is he dating other people? Are you dating other people? If he is refusing to move on, he might be hopeful and waiting for you to return.
3) How Do You Feel When You Think About Him?
“You ask everybody you know: How long does it usually take to get over it? There are many formulas. One year for every year you dated. Two years for every year you dated. It’s just a matter of willpower: The day you decide it’s over, it’s over. You never get over it.”
– Junot Díaz
Try to think about the overall feeling of your past relationship. Take some time and ask yourself some of the following questions:
- Is it something you welcome back into your life again?
- Did you feel at ease and joyful during it?
- Did you feel loved and secure?
- Or did you feel sparked and fired up on life?
- Were you mostly stressed, confused, and on edge?
- Were you sleeping well? Did you speak positively about him to others while you were together?
Sometimes we can get used to feeling quite miserable in a relationship. It can feel like a normal experience. We might even enjoy the passion of drama and tumultuous interactions because that feeling is familiar to us.
When your ex-boyfriend comes to mind, are you feeling hurt and confused? Or do you feel neutral or even happy when you remember him?
What emotions are you feeling when you presently interact with him or think about him?
Do you miss him? Or the familiar intense feelings of being in a relationship with him?
4) How Did Your Relationship End?
“Sadness flies away on the wings of time”
– Jean de La Fontaine
When you dumped your ex-boyfriend, was the conversation warm and caring? Or did you feel heated, emotional, and full of anger?
Did you say everything that you needed to say? Or did you hold yourself back from communicating?
Did you raise your voice? Say things that you now regret? Act in a way that you would like to erase?
You may have acted rashly, too swiftly, and ended your relationship with him out of emotions that have now long passed. It could be that the regret of your decision haunts you.
Try not to act out of panic. And be careful judging your feelings when you have just ended it with someone. The pain of separation and loss may still be heavy on your heart.
He may have begged and asked you to stay in the relationship and this might have triggered feelings of doubt and guilt in you.
So you need to give yourself time to process what has just happened. The last thing you want to do is go needlessly back and forth with him. Try to stay clear on why you decided to break up in the first place and allow yourself to feel all the emotions that go with that.
“When you are in love, and you get hurt, it’s like a cut — it will heal, but there will always be a scar.”
– Soo Jie
Why did you break up with your ex?
“It takes one person to forgive, it takes two people to be reunited.”
– Lewis B. Smedes
After a breakup, we can go through a roller coaster of emotions. It’s important, to be honest with yourself about your feelings. Why did you break up with your ex in the first place? And what are you feeling now?
- Did you have a serious fight or fundamental misunderstanding with your ex?
The way we handle conflict can quickly tell us if we are with the right person. If your boyfriend recoils and pushes you away after a conflict and wants nothing to do with you, it can be safe to say that he will continue this pattern. The relationship has to mean enough to both of you to be worth putting in the effort.
- One of you doesn’t want to commit?
A relationship takes two people. Sometimes we know ahead of time that we aren’t interested in a long-term relationship. We tell our partners or we keep quiet and curious about it. If one of you isn’t interested in committing, there is simply no way to move forward in the relationship.
It will ultimately cause pain for the one staying in and for the one being pushed out. Sometimes a clean break is the most humane and compassionate thing to do for both of you.
- The grass looks greener
If being single looks more attractive than being in a relationship, then it was probably the right idea to end the relationship. There’s no sense in resurrecting something that wasn’t fulfilling.
- Someone else caught your eye
It’s perfectly normal to look at others when you are in a relationship. But you if honestly weren’t attracted to your ex-boyfriend, it is time to let him go. You might even fantasize about someone different or take small steps to build up intimacy with someone else. If you felt a strong pull towards someone new it’s not fair to your old partner to swing back their way afterward.
- Someone else caught his eye
If you dumped your ex-boyfriend because he was attracted to someone else, then you have to ask yourself why you would want him back. Sometimes we look to others for validation and want to have them desire us once more.
But if he left you, he left you. As painful as it is to let him go, it can be harder to let him back only to not trust him again.
Why Do You Want Your Ex-Boyfriend Back?
Some of the most common reasons why we want to get back together with our ex-boyfriends are:
1) I Feel Like He Is My Whole Life and I Can’t Live Without Him
You want him back because you don’t feel complete without him? This is a common cry of someone who is in a codependent relationship.
A man is not something that shields you from your life. You must live your life. A partner is someone who can help you celebrate and enjoy life. But this is better if he acts as an addition to your already fabulous experiences. You can’t expect someone else to define you.
2) I Will Never Find Anyone Else
Yes, there are other men out there. Even if you live on a small island in the middle of the ocean, there are other men. We can never truly know who will cross our path or what will happen in the future.
If we believe there is no one else, this might stop us from staying vibrant and open to life. Would you have expected your life to happen the way it did already? We don’t know what’s coming next, so the only thing to do is get ourselves ready for something incredible to happen.
3) I’m Not Happy By Myself
Even when you are with someone, you aren’t with them at all hours of the day, every single day. There are times you will be apart, times you will be separated.
You might have periods where you are living in the same city, long-distance relating, or busy with life and projects.
And not to be too morbid, but in all of our relationships, someone will die before the other. At some point, this special person will leave your physical day-to-day life.
What Really Happened? Be Honest!
These are all perfectly normal states to be in after a break-up. But are these strong enough reasons for getting back together?
You might find you have strong emotional reactions that are pulling you back to your ex-boyfriend and making you fixate on the pain of the break-up.
If you feel like you are feeling overly emotional, try to reflect on your past relationship:
- Has anything changed from the relationship you had?
- What were the positive aspects of the relationship that make it worth saving?
- Was the break-up a mistake or misunderstanding that can be put right?
- Do you have the mental and emotional capacity to work on this?
- Would you rather be single and try with someone else?
- Did you have an argument or conflict that can be repaired?
- Did you feel happy with him before the break-up?
- Do you share the same beliefs and values in life?
- Is this someone you can see yourself with within ten years?
Does Your Ex-Boyfriend Want You Back?
“When we are in love, we are convinced nobody else will do. But as time goes, others do do, and often do do, much much better.”
– Coco J. Ginger
Are you struggling to understand whether your boyfriend still loves you or if he misses you? Do you wonder what he is thinking and feeling? Does that even matter?
Even when you were the one who ended it, it can feel heartbreaking to accept that the relationship is over.
Remember that many emotions surface at the end of a relationship. It’s normal to feel like you made a mistake.
Try to stay in your own experience. His business is now his business. His life is his life. You don’t need to wonder about what he is going through. Just focus on your life.
The more clear you are about what you want and need, the easier it is to move forward. Even if your ex-boyfriend wants you back, he would probably want to come back to someone who is certain of what she wants and someone open to sharing positive interactions.
If you wallow in misery and harbor hate and bad will towards your ex-boyfriend, he is not going to feel very welcomed or interested. Stay focused on yourself now. It’s the best way forward whether you end up reconnecting again or not.
We All Deeply Desire the Feeling of Connection
“Human beings, wherever they are, are searching to connect with someone who’s going to help them feel less alone in their experience”
– Esther Perel
According to relationship expert Ester Perel, many of us have a deep desire to connect with eros, that is the feeling of being vibrant, alive, and healthy.
It’s difficult enough for us to feel this when we are alone. So when others find that quality in us, it can feel like discovering a gold mine.
Perel says, “I think people will want to reconnect with what I call a healthy relationship to eros.” She doesn’t use “eros” as a strictly sexual term, she says, but to refer to “a feeling of curiosity, aliveness, exploration – the happenstance, the chance encounter”.
If you spark the rare feeling of eros in his life unlike any other, he is likely to return. Since the feeling is so unique, he may not fully understand it while he is so close to you.
Reasons Why Your Ex-Boyfriend Might Come Back: He Enjoyed Your Relationship
“I think we dream so we don`t have to be apart so long. If we`re in each other`s dreams, we can play together all night.”
– Bill Watterson
Your Love was Meant to Be
After your ex-boyfriend has some time to reflect and even date others, he might still be thinking of you. He has had time to fondly remember the best and even the worst parts of your relationship.
If he dates others he might be comparing you to them still. Your obvious absence might have him conclude that the relationship is worth sparking.
He has time to think about the highlights of your relationship, the worst fight you ever had, the way you felt with each other, and more.
If your ex-boyfriend gives your relationship and its value some serious thought, there’s a chance he will want to find his way back to you. If you’re meant to be, he will be ready to rekindle. It won’t take long!
Reasons Why Your Ex-Boyfriend Might Not Come Back: He Enjoys being Single
“Single is no longer a lack of options – but a choice. A choice to refuse to let your life be defined by your relationship status but to live every day Happily and let your Ever After work itself out.” – Mandy Hale
He Prefers the Freedom of Being Single
Relationships aren’t for everyone. Some of us like to keep our interactions like and on the surface. When we get too intimate with someone, conflict and expectations start to rise along with the affection. For some, this is as far as they go.
If your ex-boyfriend truly enjoys being single, he will probably want to continue to be. His friends might influence him as well. If they are mostly single, he can enjoy spending time with them at his liberty without any stress of having to report to someone else.
If he truly enjoys being on his own, you have to accept that as his reality. No words or actions will convince him otherwise.
Reasons Why Your Ex-Boyfriend Might Come Back: He Feels Lucky to Have Met You
“My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude.”
He Truly Misses You
As your ex-boyfriend remembers what you had, he may be noticing how lucky he was to have you and how unique your presence is. Your ex-boyfriend might be dating new women and notice that none of them are like you.
With the distance, space, and contrast, he might consider how compatible you both truly are. Sometimes we need to leave something to understand its value. Your ex-boyfriend may return if he realizes how important the moments with you were. He might regret missing them when you ended the relationship and want to fight to have them back.
Reasons Why Your Ex-Boyfriend Might Not Come Back: He Moved On To Someone Else
“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.”
– Robin Williams
He Found Someone New
Some men start dating right after they get out of a relationship. Your ex-boyfriend may have done just that and found someone who he enjoys. It can feel easier and more exciting to spark something new with someone than to deal with any negative feelings or issues that came up from old relationships. As hard as it can feel, it’s not the right time for you both. All you can do is accept it and move on.
Reasons Why Your Ex-Boyfriend Might Come Back: He Wants to Make Sure You Are Alright
“Unconditional love exists in each of us. It is part of our deep inner being. It is not so much an active emotion as a state of being. It’s not ‘I love you’ for this or that reason, not ‘I love you if you love me.’ It’s love for no reason, love without an object.”
– Ram Dass
He Still Cares For You
If your ex-boyfriend is caring and empathetic, he might still care about you even if you caused him some pain. Everybody knows that relationships take effort and can have difficult moments. Breakups are usually even harder.
Even though he doesn’t admit it, your ex-boyfriend is going through many of the same emotions that you are. He may realize that his love for you overrides any of the difficulties that have come up in the relationship and be back at your door because he still cares for you, no matter what.
He might come back to be romantic. He might come back as a dear friend. He may still feel the need to care for you and take care of you because you are dear to him.
Some Steps To Get Your Ex-Boyfriend Back If You Caused the Breakup
“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
– Marilyn Monroe
If you still feel like you want your ex-boyfriend back in your life, you probably feel the urge to act as quickly as possible.
Take some time to think before jumping back into it. It’s good to have a plan and to put your needs first.
If you try to get your ex-boyfriend back in a fury, but ignore yourself, you might cause a great deal of grief and still not get him back.
Instead, if you act calmly and put yourself as your top priority, then if he doesn’t return, you’ve still improved yourself, grown, and become clear. This development ultimately benefits you and all the people you are in relationships with. So it’s a win-win.
If you do want to resolve and reunite with your boyfriend, here are some of the top pieces of advice from relationship experts.
Ok, let’s get right to a typical sequence of rebuilding with an ex-partner:
1) Allow time to pass before you make any effort to reconnect with your ex
“With time the pain eases, the body recovers, and the brain figures out new ways to go on.”
– Federico Chini
If you dumped your ex-boyfriend, he is probably feeling hurt, upset, in a fury, and angry. If your relationship ended badly, it can be hard to remember the positive aspects of your interactions. He is probably still associating you with feelings of rejection.
Giving him (and you) some time to let your emotions settle down will let the fresh wave of negative feelings pass. Afterward, the more positive memories of you will start to surface and he will probably think about how much he misses you.
2) Don’t contact him just yet
“The shattering of a heart when being broken is the loudest quiet ever.”
– Carroll Bryant
You caused your ex some pain. Don’t contact him to see how he is. He needs to process his feelings and accept that something was off in his relationship. Allow him the time to reflect.
Many experts suggest a period of two to three weeks where you don’t contact your ex at all. If he reaches out to you first, then go with that. But allow some time to pass so the shock of the situation wears off and let him be the one to come back to you.
No contact means no social media stalking, no texts, no calls, no drunk dialing, no video chats, no asking his friends how he is, and no “accidentally” bumping into him in places that you know he likes to go.
3) Test how he is presently feeling
‘I’d rather love a million times and have my heart broken every time than hold a permanently empty heart forever.”
– H.C. Paye
After two or three weeks, if you haven’t heard from your ex-boyfriend, make a plan to contact him.
One easy way to see how he is feeling towards you is to send a text. Think of something that is light, friendly and invites him to respond.
This could be something like sharing a positive memory of a place that you used to visit together, and asking him what the name of the wonderful restaurant was where you had a great date.
Try to speak from a place of joy, affection, and happiness. The words will come to you.
4) Rebuild trust with simple, short texts over time
“Every time your heart is broken, a doorway cracks open to a world full of new beginnings, new opportunities.”
You have to be patient. Even if he won’t admit it, you probably hurt your ex-boyfriend’s feelings.
It will take some time to rebuild trust again. He knows that you were willing to walk away from the relationship.
He will probably feel less secure around you. His texting patterns might run hot and cold. He might snap at you and let some of his hurt feelings show.
The more patience and understanding you can have, the better. Remember to think of the long-term goal, that you want him back in your life, and part of that process will be a bumpy reconnection.
At some point, if the texting exchange is going well, you can suggest an in-person meeting.
5) Meet face-to-face to start to restore your relationship
“Love is never lost. If not reciprocated, it will flow back and soften and purify the heart.”
– Washington Irving
When you suggest meeting with your ex, keep the location and experience easy, casual, and in public. Suggest a coffee or a short walk. Mention that you have something else afterward to help take any pressure off.
Remember the idea of the meeting is to enjoy each other’s company. That’s it.
You don’t have to bring up the past or what happened. You don’t have to talk about how you are feeling or what’s next.
Just keep the energy up, and happiness flowing.
It’s like you are dating again for the first time.
6) Make new rituals and routines and moments
“For my part, I prefer my heart to be broken. It is so lovely, dawn-kaleidoscopic within the crack.”
– D.H. Lawrence
As you start to spend more time together again, try new places and experiences. It’s not about getting into a familiar routine with your ex-boyfriend again, it’s about getting to know them again.
So try to visit different places. Have lunch together instead of dinner. Try new activities. Keep the connection feeling fresh.
You can never go back to what you had before. If you go to places or do things that are embedded with old memories and nostalgia, it keeps you both living in the past.
Try to think of each day as a bright, new, and unexpected future.
7) Discuss what you can both do to be more attuned to one another
“Maybe we needed to break a little, so we could put ourselves back together more beautifully than before.”
– Leah Raeder
When peace starts to settle in and you both forgive your past, you are more able to enjoy each other’s company again.
As your connection strengthens, you need to look at what issues came up for you both in the past. Try to find new ways to understand one another, how you react to these issues and what you both find helpful.
When you know that something doesn’t work well for both of you, it helps to actively and consciously consider new and improved ways to deepen your interactions and keep the bonds strong.
8) Celebrate Your Reconnection
“Every long separation is a test: A test to see how powerful or how weak the will of reuniting is!”
– Mehmet Murat ildan
Finding your way back to one another is supposed to make you both feel better! It takes a great deal of reflection, honesty, courage, and humbleness to show up for someone else again and again and say, “yes, I’m still in this with you!”
It’s far easier to cut our losses. Blame our differences. Stay in our same safe mode of operating. And to avoid letting people into our lives and get too close, because they might hurt us when we are least expecting it.
If we do take steps to reach out to one another, if we can find our way back to love and joy, then that is certainly worth celebrating.
It means that you both value each other. And your relationship means a great deal to you both.
So, when you find yourselves back in one another’s arms, try to discuss and think of something together that you can both do to signify the importance of your reunion.
A ritual gives importance and meaning. And it can be yours to create with one another.
Celebrate one another. And enjoy the beginning of your next phase as a new couple!
So, Will He Come Back After I Dumped Him?
“You are loved just for being who you are, just for existing. You don’t have to do anything to earn it. Your shortcomings, your lack of self-esteem, physical perfection, or social and economic success – none of that matters. No one can take this love away from you, and it will always be here.”
– Ram Das
This question is deep in your heart.
It’s difficult to say whether your ex-boyfriend will come back and want to reconnect with you. All our relationships are unpredictable.
We never truly know what is going on in the hearts and minds of others. The best we can do is open the door to new possibilities.
Welcome love when it enters your life. And be grateful for any exchanges of kindness and love that we have in all of our encounters.
There may be many reasons why your ex-boyfriend will come back or not. You can’t control this. No matter what outcome happens, you will love again, in all ways, not just romantically.
The pain of heartbreak is part of the journey of loving. At some point, love will find its way back to you again and again.
Break-ups are Opportunities. Seize This Moment!
The hardest part of heartbreak is feeling the discomfort of pain and separation. But this feeling is to be embraced. In the words of Brené Brown, an expert on feelings of courage and vulnerability, “Sometimes the most uncomfortable learning is the most powerful.”
This outlook can seem impossible, non?
How can you look at your breakup as an opportunity when it feels like someone cut out a piece of your very heart. These emotional gashes can hurt more than physical pain.
Breakups are rough. They are downright awful. Sometimes they can hit us harder than a speeding bus.
When you open yourself up to another person, tell them things you don’t normally share, share private, intimate moments, try to love them through any conflicts, and put the relationship as a priority in your life, you invest quite a bit of yourself into someone else.
When that ends, it’s natural to feel lost, confused, hurt, and unwilling to move on when that connection is torn away from you.
You thought it was going well, but you were wrong. You gave the relationship everything you had, and now it’s dissolved.
Break-ups can teach us some of our hardest lessons of life: Nothing stays the same. And we can’t control any outcomes.
Be kind to yourself. For with great heartache comes great passion. Feeling one feeling strongly means our hearts are open to all emotions. Suppressing and avoiding painful feelings won’t last long. You have to face them head-on and let it pass right through you.
Love Yourself First and Always
“I’m not interested in being a ‘lover.’ I’m interested in only being love.”
– Ram Dass
Brene Brown reminds us to tend to the stories that we tell ourselves after a break-up.
“The most dangerous stories we make up are the narratives that diminish our inherent worthiness. We must reclaim the truth about our lovability, divinity, and creativity,” she says.
Brown’s most important piece of advice for people going through the pain of heartbreak is to remember, “Just because someone isn’t willing or able to love us, it doesn’t mean that we are unlovable.” The feeling of self-worth and love is something that you create for yourself. Be tender to what you let into your life, but ultimately no one can really hurt you if you are pouring out of the seams with self-love.
Just because we didn’t measure up to some standard of what we thought a relationship is, doesn’t me we failed to love.
Just because someone failed to see the value in what we can share and offer to them doesn’t change our worth or theirs.
This is your life, your heart. Embrace all of it.
The pain, the hurt, the elation, and all the love.
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