Fantasizing is one of those things that adds spice to life.
But when it goes too far or becomes too obsessive it can end up distracting you and making you awkward in social situations.
If there’s a guy you can’t stop seeing in a sexual way who you definitely don’t want to think of that way, it can be frustrating.
Fortunately, there are effective ways to calm down your imagination and let the feelings fade.
12 reasons you can’t stop thinking about him sexually (& how to stop)
1) He’s hard to get and it turns you on physically
One of the top reasons you can’t stop thinking about him sexually could be that he’s playing hard to get and it turns you on physically.
Even if you find his behavior immature, annoying and toxic, there’s a part of your biology that responds really strongly to him.
He seems to radiate energy vibes of pure sex that you want a piece of.
Even a few minutes around him begins to feel like basking in the sun on a perfect tropical beach with a frosty margarita in your hand.
You want more, and more and more…
You become addicted and then even when you’re not around him every moment becomes framed in a golden halo of sexually-charged intensity.
His smile, his smell, the way he walks, every damn thing turns you on so much that you find yourself fantasizing at random hours of the day.
Any guy who plays games with you is only going to hurt you. Even if it’s just sexual, frustration about this is going to start cutting into and distracting other parts of your life. Count the cost and walk away: focus on another guy who doesn’t play hard to get.
2) You hooked up with him once and now you want more
Ruth Jesse has an article about this, saying “it can also be that your sexual encounter with him was so good that you have got attracted to him.
“Now, you can’t stop thinking about him mainly because your body and mind are still desiring him.”
The best solution here is to realize that no temporary sexual adventure is going to satisfy you on a deep level.
Maybe sex really is what you need right now (who am I to argue?) but sooner or later the mirage is going to disappear.
If you’ve already asked him for a repeat performance and he’s declined then you need to eventually accept that your fantasies are going nowhere.
A dose of reality can cure a bout of obsession.
3) You broke up with him but realized after that the quality of sex was impossible to replace
If this guy is someone you dated, then it could be that your body is still hooked on him even if your heart has moved on.
Not all sex was created equal.
Some sex is like going through the motions and a forgettable top 40 pop song. Some sex is like hearing the Rolling Stones live for the first time.
If he was in the latter category, then you may be craving a return to those sheet sessions that rocked your world.
As lame as it may sound, this can come down to chemicals. Despite not wanting to fantasize about him, your body is craving a fix of the chemicals that used to rush in and satisfy you when you made love with him.
One of the biggest factors, in this case, is dopamine.
“When we’re head over heels in love with or have sexual desires for someone there’s an active increase in the areas of our brain associated with romantic feelings which is triggered by dopamine, aka, ‘the activator.’
“Dopamine is the key to activating the pleasure center of our brain.”
Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery. Find other activities which stimulate your dopamine, like working on a project you’re passionate about or meeting a new guy.
4) His bad boy behavior is annoying – but also hot!
Another of the biggest reasons you can’t stop thinking about him sexually could be that he pisses you off.
As Lachlan Brown notes at Hack Spirit, sometimes a guy annoys you a lot but his bad boy attitude still turns you on.
This could encompass everything from the way he dresses to his casual and dismissive attitude towards you and other people.
You may find yourself swearing under your breath about his idiocy and then touching yourself later under the covers.
Sexual attraction isn’t always about appreciating someone or thinking they’re a good person.
It can often be strongest with someone we know we shouldn’t like and who we know is kind of a d*ck.
Sometimes the forbidden fruit tastes sweetest of all…
Let this fantasy play itself out. Eventually, you’ll realize that the bad boy routine gets old and leaves you with an empty feeling. You deserve more.
5) You’re lonely for some company
Another one of the top reasons you can’t stop thinking about him sexually could be that you’re just lonely and looking for some company.
You meet a guy with average looks and a fairly boring personality at your work. You say good morning and sometimes chat with him for a minute but the thought of sleeping with him never crosses your mind.
He just doesn’t make a very big impression on you.
Now picture this:
You meet the same guy while studying penguins at an Antarctic research station where you’re stationed for two months.
At first he seems boring and not overly attractive but after three weeks in your cramped quarters with only one other man around in his late 60s with a triple chin, this other guy begins to look like God’s gift to humankind.
You start fantasizing about him day and night.
By week five the two of you turn the Arctic night red hot and the old man with the triple chin thinks he’s discovered a new species because of the otherworldly shrieks piercing the night sky.
Loneliness can do some crazy things to people!
Get out there and meet more people, take time away from work to also do other activities that make you feel less alone!
6) You’re fantasizing about him to dodge your own issues and obligations
Another one of the possible reasons you can’t stop thinking about him sexually is that you’re trying to distract yourself from your problems.
Sexual fantasies are the ultimate escape.
They’re your happy place that also dispenses orgasms, and when you go there the pressures and sadness and confusion of your daily life take a backseat.
This can be why you start deciding to fantasize more and more about this one guy so that he can be your soporific drug…
You feel fully sunk into the fantasy and no longer feel any need to worry as much about the financial, personal or career issues that were formerly dogging you.
“If you meet somebody that you’re interested in, your mind might jump straight onto this and use them as a distraction from other things in your life that are happening.
“For example, if you are struggling at work, or you’re having a rough time with your family, your mind might be filled with thoughts about this guy you’ve just met, or the person you have just started dating,” is what dating expert Sonya Schwartz has to say about this.
“You have successfully distracted yourself from the difficult things that might be happening in your life.”
Face up to the problems in your life. Many of us are trained to avoid obstacles or treat them as something bad that will ruin our life, but it’s in facing them and using them as fuel for the fire that we actually develop our own personal power.
7) He’s everything you look for in a guy physically
Sometimes you meet a guy who’s everything you want physically.
Right down to his facial structure and the subtle goatee he’s got going on to his fuzzy hair and whimsical eyes, you feel drawn in and completely hooked.
Your body responds instinctively when you see him and you can’t help it: nor can you breathe properly.
Even if you find his personality underwhelming, something about his body and his presence draws you in fully and you can’t resist.
When you do resist, you just think about him more and it goes in a spiral of obsession.
Think about him without eyebrows and wearing the ugliest clothes you’ve ever seen. Keep that image in your mind the next time you find yourself heating up while you think of him.
8) You’re rebounding hard and he’s in the right place at the right time
One of the top reasons you can’t stop thinking about him sexually could be that you’re rebounding from another relationship.
When you’re on the rebound, your ability to exercise good judgment can be severely limited.
You may find yourself jumping on the nearest guy more out of instinct than any special attraction.
Your sexual fantasy obsessions may have a lot more about trying to salve the emotional wounds you have from your broken relationship than real attraction.
Angela Jenkins talks about this in her article “12 Reasons Why You Can’t Stop Thinking About Him.”
“Sadly, when you are fresh off a breakup, your brain may be tuned in to romance.
“Of course, different people will look at it in different ways. Maybe you hate romance with a passion, or you want to jump into the next love affair.”
Sit with the pain and discover more about the relationship with yourself. The search for love and intimacy always follows a path of authenticity and learning to truly face yourself instead of looking for quick fixes.
9) You’re looking for sex in all the wrong places
Sex can become a crutch and a stand-in for intimacy that’s missing in your life.
Maybe you need to work on the most important one you’ll ever have, before you can fix the others:
The one you have with yourself.
I learnt about this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. In his excellent, free video on cultivating healthy relationships, Rudá reveals where most of us go wrong in our relationships.
So why should you listen to Rudá’s life-changing advice?
Well, he uses techniques derived from ancient shamanic teachings, but he puts his own modern-day twist on them. He may be a shaman, but he’s made the same mistakes in love that you and I have.
And now he’s found the solution, he wants to share it with you.
So if you’re done with feeling less than worthy, if you’re tired of toxic relationships and getting tied up in sexual obsession, and you want to cultivate real, genuine love, check out his simple yet effective advice.
10) You’re overly focused on yourself and your desires
It’s important to care about yourself and be in touch with your desires, thoughts and feelings.
But there is such a thing as becoming too enmeshed in your own world.
Getting stuck in your head is never a good experience and it can become a world of illusions: a hall of funhouse mirrors where you keep bumping into fake versions of yourself.
Eventually, you need to make the decision to smash down the entire illusion of ego fixations and wake up.
We’re all interconnected comrades in this world and until we look around and see how much we could be doing for others our own issues will only get worse.
“You can also journal as a way to get your thoughts out of your head and in front of you.
“This can in turn help you reflect and work through your emotions. Another great way to get out of your own head is to do something beneficial for others.”
Take some time out to volunteer or help a friend who’s in need. Even if it’s just advice or being a shoulder to cry on, connecting with the challenges of others can be an excellent way to stop focusing quite as much on your needs and desires.
11) You’re putting him on a pedestal
Sometimes we meet someone and something about them makes us feel special.
We decide that they are extraordinary and better than everyone else.
We put them on a pedestal and run after any scrap of attention or affection which they throw our way.
It’s sad and it’s counterproductive.
Because the truth is that no matter how handsome and amazing this guy is, he’s not “better” than you and he can’t “fix” or satisfy you in all the ways you imagine.
Even if you act out on all your sexual desires, you’re going to be left wanting more.
And he’s going to be moving on.
It’s important that you learn to love and respect yourself deeply.
Aasthaa Dewan is a life coach who specializes in helping people with romantic problems. According to her, “you need to love yourself more than anyone else. Think about your well-being and stop thinking about him.
“Do things that heal your emotional trauma, such as dancing, meeting with friends, cooking, or going on a solo trip to find the right perspective about your life.”
Think about what happened the last time you put someone on a pedestal. Did it end well? Did they deserve to be on that pedestal? Be brutally honest about your past experiences of idealizing someone to this degree.
12) You’ve become infatuated with a certain image of him
The images we build up in our mind can sometimes overpower reality.
If you’re fantasizing a lot about a guy sexually it’s often because you’ve decided he’s a certain type of guy you want and need.
Whether he truly is or not is a completely different story.
Our own beliefs and imagination are immensely powerful.
We tell ourselves that someone is a certain way and then we latch onto that fantasy fully and never let it go.
In a way it’s a codependent relationship with a fantasy: we build up a fantasy to be what we want it to be and then hope it will calm us, satisfy us and excite us.
But in the end, it’s just a fantasy.
Katie Uniacke writes about this for A Conscious Rethink:
“But if things haven’t gotten that far yet thoughts of him are still getting you down, then a reminder that there are plenty of other men out there could be just what you need.”
Get to know this guy better and don’t shy away from the good, the bad and the ugly. You’ll soon realize that he’s far from the perfect image you’ve built up in your head. You may even notice dandruff flakes on his shirt collar (yuck!)
Seeing him in a whole new light
Sex matters, nobody would deny that.
Even the Puritans had sex or they wouldn’t have created future generations!
But sex isn’t as important as you think.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.