You had a thing with a married man once…or twice. Alright, thrice.
You ended it before things got too complicated but then here he is again, making his usual moves on you.
I’m sure you wonder why he’s doing this.
So in this article, I will give you 10 obvious reasons why a married man keeps coming back to you and how you should handle it.
1) He’s fighting for your love
It might seem hard to believe, but just because he keeps coming back to you doesn’t mean he’s evil.
He’s cheating, sure, but that doesn’t mean he’s necessarily a player, or that he’s trying to be an asshole to his wife.
What’s more likely is that he’s just sad and confused…and possibly head over heels in love with you.
Perhaps he’s convinced that you’re really the woman for him. Perhaps he’s even convinced that you’re soulmates.
He had to leave when things got serious, of course.
Perhaps you pushed him away, or perhaps he backed off because of guilt. But he simply can’t resist you, and that’s the most likely reason he keeps coming back.
2) He’s looking for validation
While it’s not always the case, men who cheat on their wives are unhappy with their marriage for one reason or another.
He might be starving for praise (especially so if he’s the narcissistic type), or maybe he isn’t getting the emotional or sexual attention he feels he should be getting from the marriage.
He might even feel like he’s “less of a man” because he isn’t as appreciated as he could be.
And the thing is that most men NEED a certain amount of praise and validation—especially from their partners—to function. If they aren’t getting it from their partners, well… they’ll look for it elsewhere.
And perhaps it just happens to be the case that you’re especially good at making him feel good about himself.
3) He’s bored with his relationship—again!
There are some people who should never get married.
I’m talking about those men who get bored way too quickly and start looking for “fun” as soon as their relationships hit a plateau.
Unfortunately, it’s inevitable for relationships to get “boring” a while into a marriage. There’s such a thing as responsibilities, after all. Life’s not one neverending party.
But he wants to party, and you just so happen to be quite fun to be around with.
You don’t bog him down with chores, budgets, and nappy changes. Instead, you keep him engaged with talks of travel, sex, and mutual hobbies.
You’re his “fun girl,” and he runs to you when he’s bored, only to go back to his wife when he has satisfied his boredom.
4) He didn’t really stop loving you
It’s worth it to consider the possibility that he never stopped loving you.
Perhaps he backed off to protect you, or to avoid arousing his wife’s suspicions. But then, he really can’t stop loving you. So despite everything, he comes back to your side anyways.
The heart wants what the heart wants, they say.
There’s no doubt that this is a very tough place to be in if you’re a sensible woman. It’s not a regular kind of love situation that can just be easily fixed. And for situations such as this, I advise you to go directly to a relationship coach.
When it comes to relationship coaches, I can’t recommend Relationship Hero enough.
I had consulted with them back when I was having a tough time with my relationship, and they pulled me through in just a few sessions.
What I love about them is that they don’t just give standard advice that you can easily get anywhere. They’re experts at handling complex love situations such as yours and they make sure you are truly led in the right direction.
So…should you fight for your love, or should you leave him behind?
Their relationship coaches will help you work through complex issues such as this.
5) He misses his emotional pillow
Yep, that’s you.
Perhaps you always offer a helping hand, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on. And everyone loves you for it.
People find you easy to talk with. It’s like they can just tell you everything that’s on their mind and not worry about being judged or shunned.
And this is something that people find attractive, especially those who are having problems with being heard.
Chances are he’s quite lonely in his marriage—that he’s feeling empty, lost and trapped. And yet, at the same time, guilty for wanting to seek relief.
He wants someone who can offer him emotional comfort. His wife, for one reason or another, couldn’t provide that… so he goes to you instead.
6) He’s testing you
He wants to keep pushing your boundaries and that’s because he knows you can’t resist him.
He’d send you a message to see how enthusiastic your replies are, and he’d touch you to see if you’d cringe or get closer.
And so long as you’re clearly comfortable with his presence, he will inch ever closer towards you at every opportunity he has got.
He’s done it before and he wants to know if you still allow him to be with you. Not necessarily because he’s already made up his mind, but just to know where he stands IF he ever chooses you this time around.
7) He’s testing himself
So not only does he want to know where he stands, he wants to know how much HE likes you.
Some men measure how much they love a person by how much they’re willing to risk it all for them. He wants to see how much he’s willing to do for you because he’s probably wondering if you’re truly the “big love” he’s been searching for.
He’s probably as perplexed as you are why he keeps going back to you when he’s very much married.
He’s probably thinking that if he’s willing to sacrifice his marriage, his reputation, and everything else for you, then you must be the one.
8) He thinks you’re an “easy” target
Most married men who cheat are actually decent guys who are just suffering from circumstance, be it neglect or life crises. But most is not ALL.
There are also plenty of men who cheat because they know they can!
They’re predators who enjoy the thrill of the “hunt” and go after women who they think are “easy” to get.
And if they know that you like them despite knowing that you’re just a side-chick, they’ll definitely keep coming back for more.
This happened to me before. I went back with a guy who’s already in a relationship hoping that he’d finally leave his girlfriend. But in the end, he still ditched me and told me it was just fun and games—and that he thought it was just “nothing” for me too!
Men like these are dead inside.
They just want that feeling of conquest and dominance from getting women dancing in the palm of their hands. If he’s this kind of guy, you’re best off leaving him as soon as you can.
9) He’s just incredibly indecisive
He keeps coming and going because he simply can’t choose between you and his wife.
He likes you enough to keep coming back, but on the other hand, chasing you means saying goodbye to his relationship with his wife… as well as his kids, if he has them.
The guilt hits him harder if the relationship isn’t even “unhappy.” He might have a loving, kind-hearted wife… so he’s not sure why he loves you more than her!
On one hand, he could pursue his feelings for you and the love you have to give. On the other hand, he could work on figuring out his feelings for his wife and enjoy the stability he already has in his life.
It’s not necessarily an easy choice, and he simply couldn’t decide… so that’s why he always keeps coming back.
10) He wants you to officially become his side chick
If he “won” you for the second, third, fourth time around, that means you’re willing to accept the situation—that you’re just his side chick. And some men love this.
This is especially so if you know he’s not going to leave his wife, either from him telling you outright or from you figuring out elsewhere.
It might even be possible that his wife knows of you and tolerates the “fling” so long as she knows who his side flicks are. This is especially common in long-term couples who are very emotionally involved, but prefer to have open relationships.
Of course, if this is the case, you can expect that you’ll always be the side chick.
There’s no way that you’ll ever take him from his wife, and that they both will kick you out if you tried.
You might be okay with this, or you might not. You’ll have to ask yourself how you feel about being simply the side chick.
What to do
There are four possible situations that you’ll be facing when dealing with a married man who keeps coming back.
The first one is when you don’t want him at all. This one is easy enough to deal with—simply cut him off and, if he persists, call the cops!
Another is that his wife is letting him have an “affair” with you for one reason or another. In this case, you should probably try to have good communication between the three of you.
The other two scenarios are more complicated and that’s what we will be discussing in this section.
Scenario 1: If you love him but you want him to stop
- Be firm and certain with your decision.
Before you confront him about your decision to call off the affair, sit down and remind yourself why you want to stop. List down your reasons!
Unfortunately, men can be quite stubborn and this would make it harder for you to let go.
If you think your guy is one, I strongly suggest talking things through with a trained relationship coach.
I often bring up Relationship Hero for their help in bringing couples together, but they also have plenty of good advice if you want out of a relationship or affair instead.
You need to be ready for whatever excuses he might give to try to change your mind… because he will try.
- Have a sit-down conversation with him.
Discuss why it can’t work and what you need for him to do.
You should talk about:
- How this is making you feel.
- Your boundaries.
- Why it’s important for you that he respects your boundaries.
- What you will do if he won’t respect your boundaries.
Note: Refrain from getting too emotional. Don’t say “I love you but…” You’re already decided that you want to end things, remember? So don’t give him an opportunity to sway you.
- Make sure he’s respecting your boundaries.
Although you asked him to respect your boundaries, don’t expect him to follow through.
He WILL try to make you fall for him again. That’s a guarantee. He might even try to be sneaky about it so that you won’t catch on until it’s too late.
That’s why you’ll have to be vigilant and strong. Keep monitoring the lines you’ve set, and if he’s crossing them… don’t be afraid to call him out on it.
- Work on healing.
Saying goodbye to a man who has wormed his way into your heart like this is easier said than done, affair or no.
You’ve tried before, but failed. It’s easy to say that he’s simply that charming or persistent, but honestly it’s probably because you haven’t started healing properly.
He managed to sway your heart because he noticed a vulnerability or weakness of yours and managed to exploit it.
Don’t be ashamed that you have a weakness, because everyone has one. Instead, be mad at him for exploiting it.
- Start a brand-new life.
Sometimes, the best way to heal and escape toxic patterns is just to go as far away as possible from the life that you currently have.
You want to break free—so do so!
Make plans that do not involve him, and make sure to follow through those plans.
To hold fast to these plans and resist his advances, you need resilience. It’s not going to be easy. I’d know, since I myself struggled with temptation for ages.
Thankfully I stumbled across this free video by life coach Jeanette Brown.
Her advice did wonders putting my life back in my own hands and helping me beat back my vices.
I’d wager that her advice will do wonders in helping you forge a new life too. She knows just what the secret to resiliency is.
And so will you, should you ever check out her video here (do it, it’s free.)
Scenario 2: If you want him to leave his wife for you
Just a disclaimer: I condemn cheating.
I personally would rather you steer clear of this option unless it’s very clear to both of you that his marriage is already over, and that he has tried everything he has to fix it first.
That said, if you really think you’re meant to be together and that the marriage is unsalvageable, then go ahead.
Here’s what you should do to make it work this time around.
- Do some introspection before you recommit.
Ask yourself first if you can really commit to be with this guy. Sometimes guys simply have affairs because they like to have a taste of the “forbidden fruit.”
And guess what, maybe you too. Maybe you like him because he’s forbidden.
So you have to ask yourself the hard questions before making a risky move.
- Be a team player.
You know what they say—teamwork makes the dream work.
Ask him what he wants out of you, and share with him the expectations YOU have from him while he’s getting a divorce.
Be understanding, be patient…and do whatever it takes to make each other’s lives easier.
- Set a deadline.
Do make sure that he’ll leave her for good this time around.
You don’t want him dangling a carrot in front of you forever. You might as well go date someone who isn’t wasting your time!
Give it all you’ve got but make sure that this is the last time. You’ve wasted plenty of time already, and you need not waste any more.
- Be ready for your new life ahead.
It’s not easy dating someone who’s already married, and who probably has kids.
Chances are that you’ll have to deal with irate ex-inlaws, hostile kids and friends, as well as an angry ex-wife.
You can always walk away if things don’t work out, but remember that you love each other and that you decided this together.
That’s why if you aren’t sure you can handle it, just don’t.
It might feel amazing to have the attention of a married man.
There are few things that boost the ego more than being wanted by someone who is already taken.
But at the same time, this is a situation where you’ll have to look out for yourself. He might be running to you for escape, or he might be a predator who simply wants to take advantage of you.
So tread carefully and if you want to walk the risky path, make sure he’s worth it.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
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