You’ve had a crush on him for a while now. Maybe you’ve been chatting constantly online. But he hasn’t asked you out yet.
What is taking him so long and what should you do?
I’ll hold my hands up and admit that I’m an impatient girl. Especially when it comes to romance.
So this article aims to help you get to the bottom of what is going on.
Why is he taking so long to ask me out?
1) He wants to be totally sure you’re going to say yes
He could be holding back because he’s unsure of your feelings.
He thinks you’re into him but he isn’t totally 100% certain, and he’s not asking you out because he doesn’t want to risk rejection.
Look at things from his side. It can be quite scary asking someone out. We want to make sure we’ve read the signs right.
Otherwise, he risks making a fool of himself in case he has got it wrong. So he might want to wait and see how things progress.
That gives him more time to figure out if you definitely are into him romantically, rather than just want to be friends.
2) He isn’t interested
Let’s get the worst-case scenario out of the way nice and early. Because as unfortunate as it is, it’s also happened to us all.
We’re not going to be everyone’s type. And that means at some point in life we’ve all had a crush that isn’t reciprocated.
Maybe there’s no chemistry for him, he isn’t attracted to you, or he just wants to be friends. He might like you, but he doesn’t like you in “that way”.
Look out for signs that show a lack of romantic interest:
- He is never flirty
- He’s doesn’t give compliments on your appearance or looks
- It’s been months and months and he still hasn’t made a move (despite plenty of opportunities)
- You only hear from him every now and then
3) He’s getting to know you better
We all work at different paces.
How long is too long for a guy to ask you out? I’m going to answer this a bit more later, but generally, there aren’t clear-cut answers.
It depends on the guy, it depends on your situation.
He might not have asked you out yet because he is still figuring out exactly how he feels and deciding whether you are a good fit for one another.
It can be a mark of respect taking the time to get to know you before jumping to ask you out right away.
As long as he is still making an effort to get to know you better, it’s a good sign.
4) He’s shy & nervous
If you think about it, guys who are really shy and nervous around girls tend to take longer to ask them out.
They don’t feel confident enough to approach you. They may worry they will come across as creepy or weird.
They might worry about being rejected. Or maybe they are simply scared of messing up.
If you think this guy could have self-esteem issues or be a bit insecure, be patient. Don’t expect him to ask you out straight away. Give him time to build up his confidence.
You’ll both grow together, and when he does finally decide to ask you out, he won’t need any encouragement.
5) He is leading you on
When a guy leads you on, it’s not that they’re totally uninterested in you, they just aren’t ultimately interested enough.
Think of it like window shopping. They are happy to browse but aren’t prepared to commit to any final purchase.
This is your typical player, or the more modern incarnation — the f*ckboy.
It’s usually accompanied by flaky behavior like breadcrumbing, blowing hot and cold, flirting then disappearing again.
His reasons are usually very selfishly driven.
He might be looking for attention and validation and not much else. Or he is bored and killing some time.
6) The timing isn’t great for him
Sometimes we meet people at the wrong time in our lives.
Certain practical and emotional factors could be getting in the way of him asking you out.
He just got out of a long relationship and he’s not ready to date or be with someone.
He is totally focused on his career at the moment and putting all his energy into climbing the career ladder.
He’s just about to go traveling, move somewhere else or isn’t going to be around for a while.
Life is hectic and stressful or he has personal problems happening. You don’t know what is going on behind the scenes.
It could be that it doesn’t feel like the right time to be asking you out.
7) He has zero clue that you are into him
Some guys are oblivious.
They are completely blind to our feelings and attraction toward them. They are clueless and don’t realize that you are into them.
He thinks you see him as a friend and nothing more. He might worry you are out of his league.
If you’ve been acting cool or playing hard to get, then you might have been giving off totally disinterested vibes.
Guys aren’t psychic. You need to show them you like them.
This is especially likely if you’ve been leaving it all to him, expecting him to chase you and not putting in any effort.
8) He’s catfishing
This one obviously only applies if you connected online and haven’t met in person ever.
Once upon a time, this would have been a pretty far-fetched reason, but sadly not anymore.
In fact, if you use dating apps then there is a very good chance you’ve ended up matching with a catfish at some point.
If you’ve been talking to them for ages, they are taking a lot of interest in you, talking constantly but never suggesting you meet in person — they may not be who they say they are.
They are using someone else’s pictures and that isn’t them. They can’t ask you out because you’ll find out.
Sometimes guys taking such a long time to ask me out is what first arouses my suspicions that they aren’t who they say they are.
After a quick Google reverse image search with their pictures, I realize they are a fraud.
9) You’re scaring him off
If you’ve been coming on a bit too strong, he might panic and hesitate to ask you out.
It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, but your style or approach might be a bit intimidating for him.
Playing games is childish. But the truth is that we still all like to do a bit of a dance when we’re wooing.
If you come across as too keen it might all feel a bit too easy for him. If you’re being too forward, he might think you’re trying to pressure him.
10) He doesn’t know what you want from him
If he is worried that you two are on different pages he might be pondering whether it’s better not to start something.
He could be trying to figure out what you want from him.
Maybe he thinks you could be looking for a boyfriend and he is looking for a fling. He just wants a hookup or FWB kinda thing, so he’s hoping that might just happen without needing to make any kind of commitment.
He’s giving it a bit more time before deciding what you both want out of this.
What to do if he is taking a long time to ask you out
1) Be patient
First things first, let’s try to remember dating doesn’t come with any timetable rule book.
Maybe he doesn’t know when he should ask you out. It’s not always straightforward.
Some women expect a guy to get to know them first, chat and then slowly ask them out. Others (like me) lack patience and want things to move quicker.
But there’s no wrong or right, just different approaches and preferences.
But your patience isn’t going to be never ending, and you might be wondering ‘how long do guys take to ask a girl out?’
Hack Spirit has some interesting stats on this.
Surveying around 40,000 (mainly female) subscribers they asked how long it took guys on Tinder to ask them out. Here were the results:
Less than 24 hours: 8,323
1-3 days: 5,342
3-7 days: 5,480
1-2 weeks: 17,456
2-4 weeks: 3,219
Longer than one month: 326
3 months or longer: 12
As you can see, the vast majority were somewhere between one and two weeks. So that gives you some idea of what’s most common.
But it’s important to remember that if you know each other in real life that timeline might be much longer.
Maybe you go to school together, have the same friends or are work colleagues.
There can be more at stake in putting yourself out there when. And there may feel like less of a rush.
2) Drop some hints
Step up your flirting, be open and communicative, make an effort and reciprocate his efforts.
Basically, make it clear you are interested in case there could be any doubt. Offer him reassurance.
You might even drop a few more obvious hints that you’re waiting for him to ask you out. This could help him to relax and give himself permission to ask you out.
3) Trigger his hero instinct
There’s a new theory in the relationship world that’s causing quite a stir – it’s called the hero instinct.
Coined by relationship expert James Bauer, this fascinating concept finally explains how men really think and feel in relationships.
And it’s something most women have never even heard of.
According to James Bauer, men have certain innate drivers. And when a woman comes along and triggers them, it causes a powerful response.
The result is a man who loves harder, commits wholeheartedly, and truly dedicates himself to the relationship.
So, how can you trigger your man’s hero instinct?
The easiest thing to do is to watch this simple and genuine video by James Bauer.
So if you want to have guys chasing you, rather than twiddling your thumbs waiting for them to ask you out — make sure to check out James Bauer’s excellent video.
In it, he reveals the exact texts and phrases you can use straight away.
4) Ask him out
This option isn’t going to be for everyone, but if you’re fed up of waiting for him, what is stopping you from asking him?
I’ve asked out plenty of guys out before and it really doesn’t need to be a big deal. You can do it in a very casual way.
“Do you feel like grabbing a drink sometime?” “Have you got any plans for Friday evening? I was thinking about trying this new restaurant if you feel like it?”
At worst he’s going to make a polite excuse. Rejection never feels good but neither does it kill you.
At least then you know either way if he is interested or not.
5) Stay busy
Too much time on our hands often leads to overthinking.
A watched pot never boils, and a watched phone never pings.
Making an effort to keep yourself busy, have fun and not put all your eggs in one basket can help you to chill out about it all and go with the flow.
Taking your focus off him will actually shift your energy too.
You’ll inadvertently be giving off a more independent and relaxed vibe. And that is very attractive to a guy.
None of us are looking for someone who seems desperate or needy for our attention.
6) Know when to move on
There comes a time when you’ve got to cut your losses. Or at the very least start giving other guys more of your attention than this one.
Only you can decide when this should be. But consider this:
- If it’s been several months, it’s less likely he is going to ever ask you out
- If his attention has been fading, then he’s probably not showing enough interest for things to go any further
- If he’s been acting distant and cold, then why would he suddenly change now?
Get him to ask you out now
If you’re not ready to give up on this guy just yet, your best bet is to hurry him along so that he makes his move.
I touched on the hero instinct earlier – it’s the perfect remedy for the situation you’re facing.
Because once a man’s hero instinct is triggered, he’ll only have eyes for you. You’ll reach a part of him that no woman has ever managed to reach before.
So if you’re ready to take that plunge and get him to hurry up and ask you out, make sure to check out relationship expert James Bauer’s invaluable advice.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
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