It feels bad when you hook up with a charming guy and get good chemistry going, only for it to not go anywhere.
And it’s not just once. It happens to you over and over again and you can’t help but wonder if there’s something wrong with you.
In this article, I will tackle 10 reasons why guys want to hook up with you, but not date you.
Take heart—it’s most likely not as bad as you thought.
1) They’re simply not ready.
The simplest answer is that you’re simply hanging around men who aren’t ready.
Sure, they might love fooling around, but because they know (or believe, at any rate) that they aren’t ready for a serious relationship, they back off.
Young men in their early 20s and those who had just felt the sting of a break-up are most likely like this. They might feel like they need to be successful first before dating someone in earnest, or maybe they still need to heal from their break-up.
But sometimes, men can reach middle age without ever feeling like they’re “ready”, so don’t count out this reason just because he’s a little older!
Pay attention to the things they have told you.
Did they in any way express some kind of insecurity or uncertainty they’re struggling with?
If a guy worries a lot about his career, for example, it could be that he wants to focus on that and doesn’t want to get tied down to anything that may hold him back.
2) You seem like you’re not ready.
On the other hand, it’s also possible that you’ve been giving him the impression that you’re not yet ready.
Perhaps you might have vented a bit too much about your exes or your failed attempts at love, or had ranted too much about how “all men are bad” or “I don’t need no guy” or something similar.
It might not cross your mind at the moment, but saying things like “all men are cheaters!” or ranting about how bad your ex was will push away any guy who has an ounce of self-respect in his body.
He will think “if this is how she is, what will she say about me if I date her and our relationship goes bad?”
Or maybe you’ve simply just talked so much about your obligations that you’ve painted the image of someone who barely has time to spare, and figured that dating you will be a very lonely affair.
It won’t be too surprising to see men decide they’d rather be single than be in a relationship where their partner isn’t invested in the relationship.
3) You started casually.
If you get into relationships with those men as “friends with benefits”, then the last thing you should expect is that they’ll fall in love with you.
Sure, it might sound “natural” for you to fall in love. After all, you’re already explored each other’s bodies—maybe you’ll find the other irresistible and fall in love.
But the thing is that by establishing a “friends with benefits” relationship, you’re setting the expectation that you’re not expecting anything serious to come out of it.
Maybe it’s because you were sexually attracted to one another, but don’t have any mutual romantic feelings at all.
If the two of you wanted a serious romantic relationship, you would have done it from the very start.
And even if you do manage to realize later on that you do love each other, there might be other reasons why he can’t commit, and why he’d rather stay as friends with benefits.
4) You haven’t made them infatuated with you.
Something to consider is that maybe—just maybe—you haven’t managed to get them infatuated with you yet. Sure, they might be somewhat interested in you, but they’re just not that invested in you.
Thankfully, it’s not that hard to get men to fall head over heels in love with you. And sometimes, the best way to learn how to wrap men around your finger is to listen to what men have to say on the matter.
And to that end, Dating and Relationship coach Clayton Max had developed sets of phrases that are guaranteed to get men hooked on you.
These phrases reach men on a deep primal level – most women don’t know about this, which is why they struggle to keep a man’s infatuation.
To find out what they are, watch his video here where he explains everything.
You wouldn’t believe how easy it can be and wished you knew these tricks sooner.
5) Blame it on the dating culture.
You can also blame Dating Culture as a whole.
For better or for worse, the internet had shrunk the world down to the size of your palm. No longer are we limited to just the people we see in our suburb or state.
In this modern world of ours, we can now choose from just about anyone from all corners of the globe.
That sense of choice, together with our natural desire to seek perfection, means that people just aren’t motivated to stay too long with any one person.
Looking for a partner has become no different from looking for a shirt at the local mall. One can just scroll through a list of dates and swipe left or right when they feel like it.
And maybe, just maybe, those men “swiped left” on you before they truly got to know you, simply because they feel there’s something more out there.
6) You’re attracting the wrong type of men.
This is probably the most likely reason men aren’t pursuing to have a relationship with you.
There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re just attracting the wrong men!
Maybe it’s the places you hang around in, or maybe it’s how you present yourself.
And sometimes, the things you look for in men just come with some unfortunate baggage, and sometimes that can lead to conflicts between your interests and theirs that lead to your relationships just straight out failing on day one.
For example, if you like men who live as free spirits, love independence, and like to roam, then you can expect them to be unwilling to be tied down. Some might even not believe in dating or marriage as you know it.
So when you try to start a relationship with them —especially from a more traditional angle— they might be hesitant for more reasons than one.
Likewise, if your type is someone who’s bold, popular with the girls, and likes to party, then you might end up attracting men who are just that. And men like that, unfortunately enough, aren’t necessarily eager to stay faithful to any one woman.
They’ll see you as a conquest and, once they’re done with you, will move on to the next girl in the line.
7) You haven’t shown them how much you value yourself.
Tugging at men’s heartstrings by making them want to comfort you might seem like a good idea, but here’s the thing. It’s not.
You’re not going to get love saying things like “I’m the worst,” or “I’m no good.”
Men who are looking for a serious date will listen to your cries of pity and think “oh, she’s going to be a bother to date” or “she’s just going to toy with my emotions, isn’t she?”
The men who will fall for this tactic are, ironically enough, often the very same men who won’t make good partners. Men who are themselves insecure or desperate will see you putting yourself down as a moment of weakness that they can exploit to get into your “good side.”
So instead of putting yourself down or trying to draw their pity, try to draw their respect instead. Present yourself as someone who values yourself and holds fast to the values you believe in. Set boundaries, say “no” sometimes.
While this will scare off some men, you will earn the respect of those who are actually going for something serious doing this.
8) You seem too good to be true.
It could be that, for some reason, you simply come off as someone who’s too good to be true. They might have the idea of a perfect girl and, by coincidence, you fill that idea exactly.
You might think that this might make them want you more, but the thing is that being a bit too perfect will instead make people suspicious. And not only that, being too good to be true also makes you incredibly intimidating.
So some will see you as a catch, a conquest to be taken. Others will think that you’re simply out of their league. Yet others would be worried about why you’re ‘too perfect’, and wonder if you’re faking it or if you’re somehow hiding something.
If you’re giving off these vibes, chances are that you might be trying a bit too hard to uphold a certain image of reputation (whether you know it or not) and trying to be more true to yourself will help get rid of this problem.
But if you’re not doing anything to project this image, then it’s totally their loss. But for your own good, you have to spot these men and stay away from them.
9) You still don’t know what you want.
Maybe the reason why men aren’t dating you seriously is because you’re just not sure what you’re looking for.
Do you want a free spirit, or someone who’s bound to their duties? Do you want someone who’s more progressively minded, or one who prefers to stick to tradition?
Until you’re absolutely sure what you’re looking for, there’s always going to be a slight touch of uncertainty in the way you act that will tip men off and discourage them.
After all, why would they waste their time dating someone who isn’t even sure if she’s serious or sure about them or not? Being single can often be better than dating an uncertain person.
10) You’re truly an awesome person.
And of course, it could also be that you’re just too good.
You’re a truly awesome person and because of that you attract all kinds of people. Unfortunately, that also includes people who aren’t the right fit for you.
Some people just have something about them that draws people towards them like a magnet, and oftentimes they have this “magnetic quality” without knowing it.
The good thing here is that if you have this magnetic quality, all you need to do is to figure out which of the men in your life are actually serious about you, and which ones are simply after a friend with benefits arrangements, no strings attached.
You have to learn how to separate the chaff from the wheat.
What to do
Know what you want.
Ask yourself what kind of guy you want to settle down with. Try to describe him in as much detail as you can, and write it down on paper.
If you have something like “tall, dark, and handsome” or “likes me” then you’re most definitely not yet sure what you want. Think about what kind of beliefs you want your partner to have. What do they want to achieve in life?
Knowing not just what kind of guy you want to go out with, but also what kind of life you will build together is important, because when you know what you want, you can begin searching for love in the right places.
Stick to finding the kind of men that you’d want to be in a relationship with.
When you’ve figured out what your type is, then you can (and should) start looking for them in all the right places. You’re probably not going to find a quiet nerd in the middle of a loud bar, or a party man at the local library.
Sure, you might catch a nerd sitting behind a bar every so often, and a party man can certainly read a couple of books at the library, but these just aren’t the kind of places they hang around all the time.
Make them infatuated with you.
When you’ve found the right kind of men you want in your life, then something you must do is to make them care for you. Have them fall head-over-heels, even!
And that’s something you can do by understanding what makes them tick and then saying the right words at the right times.
I brought up the Dating and Relationship Coach Clayton Max earlier, and his videos are invaluable to helping you figure out how to understand men. Here’s the link to his video again.
Make them invested in you emotionally before you have sex.
You don’t put the cart before the donkey, or count your eggs before they hatch.
For the same reason, you should avoid having sex with a man before you get him infatuated with you.
Build that emotional bond first before you take him to bed. If you bring him to bed too soon, he’ll see you as a cheap lay or an “easy conquest” and you don’t want that.
By making him emotionally invested in you, you stop being something to conquer or “earn”, but a human person he has a deep emotional bond with. And when that happens, sex will become a bonding act between the two of you, and simply the two of you satisfying your lust with each other’s bodies.
Be proud of who you are—but not too proud.
Avoid self-deprecation. Don’t try to do things simply to elicit pity or sympathy from him because that will color your relationship with him negatively.
He will see you as someone below him, someone to always comfort or pity instead of someone who can stand by his side as an equal.
But at the same time, don’t try to make yourself too perfect. It becomes intimidating to approach you—much less talk or relate with you—if you try to present yourself as a little miss perfect.
Instead, you should strive for a balance. You are who you are, flaws and all. You’re not flawless, but you’re not defined by your flaws either.
What you have to remember is that it’s not your fault. It’s not because you’re a girl that doesn’t deserve love and respect. Not at all!
There are many reasons why men might like hooking up with you, but not take the next step and date you seriously. And all of them, thankfully, have a solution somewhere.
Sometimes the solution is as simple as changing the place you hang out in, and sometimes the solution needs a bit of introspection.
What’s important is that you actually go through the effort of trying to understand why your situation is the way it is, and having the resolve to deal with the issue once you have identified it.
Dating is tough. Don’t let it get to you.
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