“I can see you’re on it
You want me to teach the
Techniques that freaks these boys
It can’t be bought
Just know, thieves get caught
Watch if you’re smart”
— “Milkshake” by Kelis
Each of us has the opportunity to find love and connection.
The problem is that we often don’t see the ways we’re behaving towards others and ourselves that are sabotaging that opportunity.
Here are 9 reasons you’re not getting the guys you want and 6 proven solutions.
9 reasons guys run away from you (and what to do about it)
1) You try to move too fast
There’s no perfect tempo for a relationship.
In the first stages of dating someone a lot relies on intuition and feeling out you and the guy’s connection. You may be in different gears and need time to catch up to each other.
Unfortunately, one of the biggest reasons guys run away from you could be that you try to move too fast.
It’s not always linked to some deep-seated emotional issue. Sometimes it’s just plain excitement. But the result is the same: he starts to cool his jets and back off. And you start melting down and making it worse.
In her article about why men pull away in the early moments of dating, relationship writer Deanna Cobden says:
“You may start to have certain expectations. Or try and move the pace of the relationship along faster than he’s ready to go.
Which is all totally, normal by the way. It may just be a bit too soon, for where things are actually at between you.”
2) You’re too available
A guy doesn’t like being jerked around or played off against other guys.
But he also doesn’t get much joy out of chasing a girl who’s begging him to come to her with zero challenge or suspense.
In her article on what makes men run away, Marie Berbick says the following:
“Men are hunters. They relish a challenge. When a woman gives a man reason to want to pursue her, he enjoys doing so.
But if you take the challenge out of the hunt he might lose interest quickly.”
This isn’t about putting up intentional roadblocks or playing mind games to mess with him.
It’s just about valuing your own time and life as much or even more to a guy who shows interest in you.
3) You push him to open up before he’s ready
Opening up to each other is great. But when it happens too quickly or through pressure, it can be an absolute disaster.
Trust me: been there, done that.
If you push him to open up too much or too quickly it can backfire badly.
Even if it’s 100% not your fault, he may feel uncomfortable or “emasculated” by how much he’s revealed. Then he may back off and run away.
It’s great to ask personal questions and share your deepest secrets. Just try not to do it right away or you might spook him into ghosting you.
4) You’re crowding his space
Guys need space. Everyone does, at times, but guys especially.
If you want to spend every waking moment with him, he’s bound to start resenting it and feeling crowded.
This is when he might start withdrawing, answering less texts, and not being very into spending time together.
In this great guide to why men pull away, Christopher Kokoski advises women to give their guy some space.
“Men seem to require time alone to mull over life, to think about nothing at all, and to recharge so that they can be fully present in a relationship.”
Give your guy space to do his own thing and move at his own pace. He’ll really appreciate it and sense the space you’re giving him.
Plus he may use the extra time and space to hit the gym, and what girl doesn’t like abs?
5) You’re being possessive and jealous
Wanting your guy to yourself can be hot: in moderation.
If you start being possessive and jealous it drives guys away like antigravity technology.
They get within twenty feet of you and just start floating away. They can sense those jealous vibes and they go for a girl who’s more chill and sure of herself instead.
You want to be that girl instead of being possessive and wanting to own and control your guy.
When he commits to you, he’ll commit.
Trying to “own” him and monitor all his relations with women will simply lead him to one unfortunate conclusion: this girl is more trouble than she’s worth.
6) You’re blaming yourself for his problems
Some girls are just way too hard on themselves.
Guys notice this and they lose all interest. Or else they notice it and use it to manipulate and gaslight a girl until she’s f*cked up beyond belief.
The reason is simple:
You analyze and blame yourself for things that aren’t your fault.
You base your happiness in someone else and then when he falls through you begin to immediately pick yourself apart about what you did wrong, or why he may have changed his feelings toward you.
You obsess over things you can’t control and blame yourself. Excessive self-blame is a game you will always lose. Guaranteed.
When an emotionally manipulative narcissist uses your low self-esteem to mess with you, he can do a lot of damage and begin to string you along — sometimes for years.
“He pulls away just when things are starting to get more serious because he knows that this is how he can get more control.
“When he does that, you react and then unjustly blame yourself. You are triggered by a painful history that is now repeating itself.
You then work twice as hard to prove that you are understanding of his concerns and wanting to ‘take it slow.’”
7) You let him bench and zombie you
Benching is when a guy keeps you as an option while he flirts with and dates other women.
Zombieing is when he leaves or ghosts you but then reappears months later showing interest once again.
As you can imagine, the kind of guys who do this are generally very undependable and messed up or toxic.
But if you let him do it then he’s going to feel like he can get away with basically anything and he’s going to probably start treating you like shit or leaving you whenever he feels like and popping back in for a booty call.
“When he comes back around, which he will once his tank is full, let him know how happy he makes you.
This will boost his confidence and support him in making an even greater commitment to you.”
8) You let him have sex too early
This isn’t about “slut-shaming” or other concepts like that.
All I’m saying is that sex does matter and it can make a big difference in how a man perceives you.
Guys are commonly thought of as horny all the time and taking sex wherever they can get it. I don’t think that’s always true, but it’s not always untrue either.
The thing is that if you have sex too early, a guy may see you as a bedroom diversion not a serious girlfriend.
Sometimes jumping into bed with a guy too soon can sabotage your chances of something serious with him. Sometimes not.
But in general, try to make him wait, advises Gennina Ariton.
9) You’re making him scared to lose his freedom
In addition to making a guy feel he doesn’t have enough space, if you’re over-intense emotionally it may freak him out about the future.
Even if he does want something serious, he may envision having to answer to you at all times and losing his freedom.
He’ll see disappearing opportunities and a future of constriction rather than empowerment. Your behavior, attitude, and words to him give him the impression you want to run his life and it turns him off and kills his hero instinct.
Certified Health and Wellness Coach Lynell Ross says:
“The most common variable is that men are afraid of losing their freedom and independence. Men will often consider falling in love from a practical perspective.
Then, they will begin to wonder about such things as whether they will still have time to go out with their friends, how a more serious relationship may affect their football Sundays, or their ability to do what they want when they want.”
How to get guys running towards you, not away from you
If you’ve been dealing with the above issues, here are six ways that work to reverse the flow.
1) Love yourself first
Many of us have childhood patterns and emotional dependency that locks us in unhealthy attachment to others.
Instead of truly loving and appreciating them, we hope they can fulfill and complete us. The solution is to begin to show ourselves the love and consideration we wish others would show to us.
As world-renowned shaman and healer Rudá Iandê advises in his free masterclass on love and intimacy, you should never place your hope for completion in another person.
Even if you find true love that lasts forever, your relationship with yourself can never be faked or patched up with a few motivational posters.
Building that deep inner connection has no substitute. And once you do, you will begin to easily sort between guys who are serious and ones who are a waste of your time.
You will also begin to handle rejection and disappointment much better.
2) Get fit, active, and social
The more guys you meet who are high-quality and potential mates, the better your love life will be.
Working on yourself doing fitness, yoga, breathwork, and meditation is a great start. It’s not just because this will boost your appearance and beauty. It’s because it will increase your sense of internal wellbeing and inner peace.
And this internal sense of wellbeing is the key to a better love life and attracting men in a lasting way. Socializing will widen the circle of potential boyfriends you meet as well.
One of the biggest reasons that guys run away from women is when they can tell she’s depending on them for their happiness.
Don’t even think of socializing with others as looking for love. Think of it as living your life!
3) Mirror his behavior
The truth is that when a guy treats you in a negligent or disappointing way the worst thing you can do is overreact or underreact.
Let me explain:
Overreacting includes things like:
- Getting angry at him
- Stalking him on or offline
- Asking his friends about him obsessively
- Confronting him and guilting him about your feelings
Underreacting includes things like:
- Pretending everything is fine when it’s not
- Letting him bench of zombie you
- Being apologetic or trying to “earn” him back
The right approach is to mirror his behavior. Don’t get crazy but don’t do nothing either.
If he pulls away, you pull away. If he’s distant you become distant. Nothing personal: think of yourself as a force of nature.
Appollonia Ponti has great advice on this:
“In short, when you see that your crush or boyfriend is pulling away, you pull away too. Do not contact him.
Concentrate on your own growth, reflect on what you’ve learned from the dynamics of the relationship and move forward with your personal goals.
Be clear about your expectations and your needs. If they aren’t met, then move on and see if he’ll ever come around… Because if he doesn’t, I am sure someone else will!”
4) Stop beating yourself up
When you’re too hard on yourself it drives people away.
To truly love yourself as I explained in step one, you need to love yourself the way you wish others did.
This is easier said than done. But it’s important to do this.
One of the most common reasons that guys run away from women is when they feel that the woman in question has a poor view of herself.
In his column at Your Tango, Alex Cormont says it’s all about knowing your value and sticking to it.
“You are allowed to hate him, miss him, love him, hate yourself, hate all of this, want to give up when he pulls away…all of that.
All of that is simply the vulnerability of your feelings shining through. Allow it to speak to you.
Let it speak to your heart and your soul.
It is okay to experience all of that. Just take the high road, be a high value woman and choose not to blame him or intentionally want to make him feel bad about himself or the relationship.”
5) Trigger his hero instinct
Relationship psychologist James Bauer discovered the hidden key to why many relationships work or don’t work.
It’s called the hero’s instinct.
As this free video explains, triggering the hero instinct is fairly simple, but you need to do it correctly.
One of the top reasons that guys run away from you is if you don’t understand the hero’s instinct or how it works.
Many women don’t know about the hero instinct or do it all wrong, screwing up the relationship and losing guys left and right. But finding out how the hero instinct works and how to trigger it can go a long way to keeping a guy.
When a man has that inner instinct triggered he will stick around for the long term.
6) Know when to hit the road
The truth is that sometimes a guy just isn’t worth your time.
Sometimes he has issues of his own like past heartbreak, mental illness, unresolved trauma, and more.
Getting too deep into it will lead you down a path to codependence and misery.
When we try to “save” someone we end up repeating childhood trauma and trapping ourselves in a vicious cycle that can go on for years.
Sometimes it’s time to just walk away.
“Don’t wait around blindly in the hope that he cares (if it turns out that you can indeed feel in your gut that he doesn’t care).
And also don’t be afraid to walk away when it’s clear that he wasn’t committed in any way.
Or when it’s clear to you that he never intended to invest in you,” writes Renee Wade.
“Having the ability to walk away is part of being high value as a woman,” she adds.
Guys run away from you when you depend on them for your happiness and try to pressure them into filling a role for you.
If you are looking for the reasons that guys run away from you, then you are on a bright path, because you’re discovering things about yourself which you can make stronger and more integrated.
That’s a good thing!
When you invite them to fulfill that role and be there for them without being pushy, you allow the relationship room to grow.
Being loving but not possessive, interested in them but not nosy, and loving but not needy is the recipe for success.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
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