Do you often find yourself amping up for a night out?
You’re wearing your favorite red lipstick, blasting Lizzo, drinking a tequila soda and telling yourself this is going to be the night you’re going to meet someone amazing.
Only to head home discouraged?
Time and time again, you find yourself noticing someone cute, feeling that electric buzz of potential sizzling through the air, and time and time again nothing ends up happening.
Although you may think of yourself as open and approachable, there are subtle things you may not even realize that you’re doing that could be pushing these exciting potentials away.
Don’t sweat it. Not only are these things common, they are easily fixable.
This article will go over the 16 most common reasons that guys don’t approach you (as well as what you can do to change that).
So read on, and before you know it, you’ll be fending off guys almost as often as Trump fends of reporter questions that would force him to give honest answers!
1. You’re always on your phone
If your face is constantly buried in your phone as your thumbs mindlessly scroll through the abundance of #FabFitFun sponcon from that girl you love to hate or #NoExcuses workout pics from the boy you hate to love, you’re not going to seem approachable.
It’s tough to start a conversation with someone who is on their phone (have you ever tried to talk to your Mom as she’s attempting to google something?), and it sends the message that there’s someone else you’d rather be giving your attention to.
Even if a guy thinks you’re attractive (from what he can see illuminated by your screen), he’s going to be deterred if you seem glued to the phone.
So, put the phone away and focus on being present in the moment.
Don’t worry, you’ll be taking it back out soon enough when that cute guy across the room asks for your number.
2. They never have the opportunity to catch you alone
It’s fun going out with a big group of girls, and of course you’ll want to spend time with your friends while you’re out.
It’s easy to feel confident when you’re surrounded by your best friends. You’re all dressed to the nines, dancing, and have drank that perfect amount of tequila that makes you feel a little bit invincible (remember: tequila, unfortunately, is a notorious liar).
But, despite all of that, no guys have been approaching you. And you can’t figure out why.
If you’re the type of girl who constantly has three or four friends glued to your side at all times, whether you’re heading up to the bar to get a drink or going to the bathroom (still don’t get why girls always do that), it can be intimidating for guys to approach you.
If there’s a guy that keeps catching your eye, find an excuse to slip off by yourself.
Whether it’s offering to go up to the bar alone to get the next round of drinks, or stepping outside for a breath of fresh air, this will give him the opportunity to talk to you one on one.
3. You don’t make eye contact
Speaking of a guy catching your eye, making eye contact is an important part of helping a guy feel comfortable approaching.
If there’s a guy who piques your interest, don’t be afraid to let him know that by making eye contact with him.
As Lonely Island so poetically expressed it, if you’ve “locked eyes from across the room”, you’re probably going to get the guy excited (hopefully not in the exact way Lonely Island describes).
Hold his gaze a second longer than you would with someone you weren’t interested in, but don’t make it into a middle school staring contest.
Smile, and then break eye contact and look down for a second and back up again before completely looking away.
4. You’re always approaching them first
Confidence is sexy, and there is nothing wrong with making the first move.
That said, flirting is a bit of a game and the most exciting part of that game is the build up.
Things like catching someone’s eye and sharing an intimate moment, subtly brushing by them on your way to your table, or accidentally-on-purpose ending up right next to them at the bar to place your drink order builds anticipation and attraction.
It’s an old-fashioned and heteronormative concept to think the guy always needs to be the one who should make the first move, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t create some flirty tension before doing so.
If you’re being extremely direct and quick to be the one to approach guys, you’re not only missing out on the opportunity to create attraction, but you’re also never giving them the time or space to be the one to approach you.
5. You don’t know what men want
If guys aren’t approaching you, then you probably don’t know what they really want from women.
Don’t worry. You’re certainly not alone.
Very few women actually understand what drives men romantically and what they seek from women (even when they meet you for the very first time).
There’s actually a new theory in relationship psychology that goes to the heart of why men approach some women but not others.
It’s called the hero instinct.
According to the hero instinct, men have a biological drive to live a life full of meaning, to provide for those he cares about, and the desire to earn respect from those around him.
And this drive is amplified when it comes to meeting and being with women.
The interesting thing is that you can actually trigger the hero instinct in your guy.
There are words you can say, phrases you can use, and little requests you can make to trigger this very natural instinct in him.
I don’t often buy into popular new concepts in psychology or recommend videos. But if you want more (and higher quality!) men to approach you and ultimately want to be in a deep and passionate relationship with you, I think learning about the hero instinct can make all the difference.
6. You always go out with other guys
It’s great to have friends of the opposite sex, and only natural that you’d want to go out and spend time with them.
Just because you’re at a bar time with other guys doesn’t mean that no one who’s interested in you would ever approach you, but, from an outside perspective, it does make something that’s already a bit intimidating even more so.
There are a couple factors that would result in you being less approachable around your guy friends.
For one, guys might be worried about stepping on any toes by flirting with you.
Not only could it be unclear if one of those guys is actually your boyfriend but, just like when you’re surrounded by girl friends, it can be nerve wracking to make a move in front of an audience.
Especially if that audience contains your 6 foot 4 football playing friend Tom.
So, if you’re hoping to meet someone special, maybe consider branching off from your guy friends for the night.
7. You’re a wallflower
The Perks of Being a Wallflower don’t really include the best outcomes for romantic relationships.
Not everyone wants to be in the middle of the dance floor the whole night, understandably so, but if you’re spending the majority of the night glued to the wall or sitting at the table, you’re missing out on the opportunity to mingle.
If you’re avoiding interacting with people, chances are that most guys will take that as a sign you’d rather be left alone and have no interest in meeting someone new.
Swap out the table in the corner for a seat at the bar or, if you prefer to sip your drink while stretching your legs, make the effort to stand by something that has more traffic (like the pool table or juke box, for example).
A subtle shift like that can allow you to stay in your comfort zone without closing yourself off to someone hoping to strike up a conversation.
8. Your body language is closed off
Understanding and interpreting body language is an important part of flirting.
Guys are more likely to approach you if your body language is welcoming and open.
Having closed off body languages sends the message “don’t come near me”, so it’s important to be aware of how you’re carrying yourself.
Examples of closed off body language include: arms crossed, legs crossed, facing inward (having your back to most people), keeping your hands tucked closely to your body, having your face tilted towards the ground and having stoic facial expressions.
Smiling, facing outward, standing up straight and being animated and personable in both your gestures and expressions will magnetically draw people towards you.
9. It seems like you’d rather be somewhere else
People are naturally drawn to others that are engaging and interesting. Who are radiating positivity and emitting warm energy.
This doesn’t mean you’re expected to be a bubbly and smiley Patty-Simcox-esque caricature to get attention but, at the same time, no one wants to spend an evening with Oscar the Grouch.
It’s easy for someone else’s current mood to rub off on the person they’re spending time with so, if it doesn’t seem like you’re having a good time, guys will probably be steering clear.
Everyone has off days and it’s unrealistic for anyone to be feeling 100% positive at all times.
But, spending time in places that make you happy, doing things that excite you and surrounding yourself with people who bring out the best in you will attract people to you.
10. You’re not going to the right places to meet people
On the topic of spending time in places that make you happy, think about what those types of places are.
In what kind of environments do you feel like your best and most authentic self in?
What excites you?
Those are the types of places you should frequent, because those are going to be the types of places that have the highest chance of meeting a potential partner.
Maybe it’s going to a cooking class, or a 90s night at your favorite dance club.
Maybe it’s charity fundraisers or a concert.
If you hate sports, it’s not likely that you’ll be attracting the right type of guys at a baseball game.
If you hate being at clubs with loud music, you probably won’t be feeling in the mood to strike up conversation or get your flirt on at one.
Thinking about the types of places you like to spend time at and the types of guys you want to be attracting is important to have success in your dating life.
11. You don’t put effort into your appearance
This in no way means that women need to wear dresses or skirts and heels when they’re hoping for a guy’s attention.
There is no one right way to dress, and fashion is an awesome opportunity to express yourself and the type of person you are.
Plus, when you’re wearing something that makes you feel good, that results in you exuding confidence and, in turn, catching the attention of those around you.
So whether it’s a T-shirt, jeans and sneakers, a pantsuit, or your favorite sundress, wearing something that showcases the type of person you are will draw exciting people towards you.
12. You seem like you don’t want to be disturbed
Picture this: you’ve decided to muster up the courage to spend a Sunday afternoon solo at your neighborhood cafe, specifically because you know that cute guy from your building likes to catch up on work there during the weekend.
You pick a strategically located table, not obviously close but close enough that he’ll have to scoot past it on his way to the restroom.
You open your laptop and plug in your headphones (trying to look natural), and order a cappuccino (sophisticated but not too fancy).
Two hours go by, and he still hasn’t approached you. Discouraged, you head home.
If a guy sees you bent over your laptop with your headphones in, he’s going to think you’re too busy to have a conversation or that you straight up don’t want to be disturbed.
It’s still possible to go work, write or read at a cafe and have someone approach you, but the trick is to not be entirely submerged in it.
If you’re working on your laptop, take out the headphones.
If you’re writing in your journal or reading a new book, take mini breaks to sit up and look around.
Having something that you’re doing and interested in can be a great conversation starter, but making sure you’re open to eye contact and your body language isn’t closed off will give the opportunity for that conversation to actually start.
13. It’s not clear that you’re single
If a guy isn’t sure you’re single, no matter how interested he may be in you, he’s probably not going to even try to approach you, since he’ll know he doesn’t have a chance.
If you tend to go out mainly with other couples, it may be interpreted that you’re also in a couple and therefore unavailable.
If you wear a lot of rings on your fingers, it could also send confusing signals and result in a guy feeling like it wouldn’t be appropriate to flirt with you.
As mentioned earlier, going out with a group of your guy friends can also make things a bit murky for a potential date.
Obviously, it doesn’t mean that any of these things are possible to do and still meet wonderful, interesting (and probably more observant) people.
However, if any of those resonate with you, it’s helpful to keep those factors in mind so you can be more mindful of the messages you may be, unknowingly, sending out.
14. You never put yourself out there
If you keep going to the same places over and over again, you’re going to run into the same types of crowds over and over again.
So if you haven’t been finding success meeting people going to your usual spots or doing your same routine, it’s probably time to switch it up.
As Einstein puts it, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
So, be smart about it!
If you’re feeling down on yourself and like you’re never being approached by new guys, it could be because you’re in a rut.
Challenge yourself to try something new every week, whether it’s taking yourself on a solo date to check out that new band you’ve been wanting to see or finally agreeing to go out with your roommate and her friends for the night.
By putting yourself in new experiences, you’re going to open yourself up to new possibilities.
15. You still hang out at the same places as your ex
Whether you live in a small college town, or just frequent the same bars in the West Village that you went to while you were still in a relationship, you’re putting yourself in the position to continuously be haunted by the ghosts of relationship past.
By surrounding yourself with crowds who probably know of your ex and your history, you’re also going to be surrounding yourself with crowds who probably don’t want to step on anyone’s toes or get in the middle of anything potentially messy.
It’s also going to be really difficult to get yourself in the best headspace to flirt with new people if the guy you thought you were going to marry one day is ordering a Bud Light (should have been your first red flag) on the other side of the bar.
16. They’re afraid of rejection
If you are very picky about the types of guys you’ll engage with (must be over 6 feet, needs to be athletic, a finance guy, blue eyes, etc), you might have unknowingly gotten a reputation for typically rejecting guys.
At the end of the day, putting yourself out there can be scary and if a guy thinks he has no shot with you, he’s not going to put himself in that kind of vulnerable position.
Challenge yourself to stop focusing on the superficial, and focus on how a guy makes you feel.
Is he making you smile? Does he show genuine interest in what you have to say? Does conversation flow easily between the two of you?
You don’t owe guys who approach you anything, so you’re not committed to giving him your number or agreeing to a first date just because you have a conversation with them.
By actually focusing on how the guy is making you feel, rather than what he looks like or what his career is, you’ll be much more likely to meet guys who are relationship material.
So, take time to really think about what your relationship values are, and be realistic about your deal breakers.
Perhaps as you’ve been reading this article there have been a couple of moments of self-realization.
If so, don’t get down on yourself, that’s a good thing!
If you have clarity on what you’ve been doing in the past that has prevented you from having the experience you want to have when it comes to dating, that means you also are now equipped with the clarity to make positive changes.
By making the small and subtle changes addressed in this article, you are putting yourself in the position to have so many new and exciting experiences and interactions.
Remember, this doesn’t mean the first couple of guys to approach you are going to check all your boxes.
But, each new person you meet is going to give you a better idea of the type of person you do want to be with, so you’ll be able to spot them once your paths cross.
The real reason why men pull away
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