Why does he keep coming back if he doesn’t love me? 17 key reasons

Have you found yourself in a relationship that is fairly one-sided?

He keeps telling you he wants to be with you. But then he turns around and leaves when it suits him. Only to be back the next week, begging for forgiveness.

You know he doesn’t love you. He knows he doesn’t love you. And the game of hot and cold is both tiring and mentally draining.

Where exactly do you stand?

It’s like he just doesn’t want to let you go. Yet at the same time, he’s not willing to completely commit to you. So, why does he keep coming back if he doesn’t love you?

Here are the top 17 reasons why he keeps coming back

1) He’s lonely

As humans, we all need company. We crave it even.

If your guy is telling you he doesn’t love you, but still wants you around, it might be because he’s looking for the company.

Being alone and having no one to rely on can lead to a mixture of feelings. It can cause sadness, hopelessness, and more.

Every time this guy walks away from you. It’s only a matter of time before these feelings set in for him. As a result, he seeks you out again and wants to spend time with you.

Let’s face it, why would he choose to be alone and have these feelings creep into his life when he can turn around and come back to you when he likes?

It’s doesn’t make sense for him.

If you think about it, you may even be letting this happen for the same reason. You’re feeling lonely too. Even though it’s not love, the company is just what you’re after.

If your guy is playing hot and cold and keeping you around even though he doesn’t love you. Then loneliness could be a big factor here.

2) He doesn’t know what he wants

Sometimes it’s true when they say: It’s not you, it’s me.

We all have periods in our lives where there’s a lot of confusion over what we want.

He may like you — a lot. But just feel mixed up about his feelings. So, he walks away. But then he misses you and finds his way back again.

No wonder you’re feeling confused because he is too. The problem is whether or not you stick around and wait it out. It’s not easy waiting for a guy who doesn’t know what he wants. And there’s no guarantee that he’s going to choose you at the end.

That’s a lot of time you might spend wasted.

The best thing you can do is set a time limit and stick to it. Decide now, how much more hot and cold behaviour you’re willing to put up with and know when to call it quits. You have to work out what you want and put that first.

3) Want advice specific to your situation?

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4) He doesn’t want anyone else to have you

Have you ever noticed that relationships can turn into mind games?

Some men can be quite possessive and consider you their property. While he might not be ready to love and commit to you, he doesn’t want anyone else to. This is why he keeps coming back again.

He hates the idea of you finding someone else and moving on with them. So, he simply doesn’t give you the opportunity.

Think about the times he keeps coming back.

Does he wait long enough for you to get over him, but step in before you find someone new? Or perhaps he even waits for a new guy to come into your life before stepping back in again.

The simple fact is: you don’t belong to him. No matter what he wants you to think.

If he’s making empty promises and refusing to commit one day, then throwing himself back in your arms as you begin to move on with someone else, then he’s not the guy for you. He just thinks he is.

It’s time to knock down that ego of his and move on.

5) He’s not over his ex

He wants to move and he wants to be with you — but his heart isn’t letting him.

Every time he gets close, he shuts off and ends up creating distance between the two of you.

He then realizes what he’s missing and comes back again for more. He’s not completely over his ex and his feelings for her are getting in the way and stopping him from being with you.

Communication is the best way to work through this issue. Bring it up with him and work out exactly where you stand on the issue.

It may be hard at first, but it will give you an answer either way. You don’t want to be hanging around just waiting until he’s ready for you.

6) He’s seeing other people

If your guy keeps coming back even though he doesn’t love you, it may be a good indication that he’s seeing other people.

Not everyone considers a relationship to be exclusive — though it is an important conversation for the two of you to have together. After all, you have to be on board as well.

If he’s not committing to you, it may be because he’s having too much fun playing the field.

You have to work out whether an open relationship is what you’re after as well. It gives you the opportunity to see other guys as well, but that may not be what you want.

Of course, suggesting an exclusive relationship could mean he leaves you and doesn’t come back.

7) He’s not interested in a relationship

Often you might find that the guy does really like you, he’s just not interested in a relationship. He’s not confused. He’s not unsure of his feelings. And he’s not leading you along for the sake of it.

He likes spending time with you but simply doesn’t want to commit. This could be for a number of different reasons.

He could have a lot going on in his life right now, which means he isn’t able to commit to a relationship and take on those emotions as well.

He might not be in the right headspace and knows he can’t give you the attention you deserve.

Once again, you have the opportunity to stick around and see if this changes, but it’s probably not worth your time.

You could also try tapping into his hero instinct. If you haven’t heard of this instinct, it might just revolutionize your love life. It’s generating a lot of buzz in the relationship world, and with good reason.

Relationship expert James Bauer coined this term to describe one of the strongest instinctual drives inside of men. In fact, this instinctual drive is the reason behind every single decision that he makes.

If you can tap into this hero instinct, you will find him practically begging you for a relationship. He’ll give you his undying loyalty, love, and devotion.

James has just released a really great free video that talks all about it.

It’s worth checking out. Not only will you learn more about this instinct and how to trigger it in your man, but you’ll also learn about secret phrases that you can tell your man to make him yours immediately.

After decades of relationship coaching, James Bauer has this down to a science. The free video is worth a watch, you’ll walk away with a lot of valuable information.

Here’s a link to the free video once again.

8) He’s been hurt before

Another reason your guy might be keeping a distance is so he can avoid being hurt again.

He likes you and even wants to be with you, but he’s trying to protect himself in the process. This means he’s not allowing himself to fall in love. It also explains why he keeps leaving and coming back. He can’t deny his feelings for you, as much as he’s trying to protect himself.

It may just be a matter of taking things slowly and allowing him to work past his past traumas as you go.

It can also help to talk about it with him. Reassure him that you have no intentions of hurting him and are happy for the relationship to move at whatever pace suits him. It may help for him to open up about what’s happened in his past to help him move past it with you.

9) He doesn’t want to risk your friendship

Were the two of your friends before you “got together”?

If so, there’s the possibility that he’s worried about ruining that friendship by starting a relationship with each other.

We all know that it can be awkward if things don’t work out. It can be much worse if you share a lot of mutual friends before going into the relationship.

Once again it may help to be in the open about this and work out what you both want. Are you both willing to risk the friendship to give it a shot?

In order to work this out, think about all the different scenarios that could play out if you broke up.

For example, how would you feel being at the same party with each other? How would you feel seeing the other person with someone knew? How would you try and rebuild your friendship?

Talking through all the possibilities can make it clearer when it comes to knowing what you both want. The most important thing is that you’re both on the same page for this.

10) He’s keeping his options open

He may like you and enjoy spending time with you but simply not be ready to commit to a relationship and label what you have.

By keeping things casual and stepping in and out when he likes, he has the opportunity to see what, or should I say who, else is out there.

Many men simply love the freedom to live their life the way they choose to live it, without being tied down to one person in particular.

If you’re wanting commitment, then you may have to present him with an ultimatum. It’s a true test to see whether he’s willing to give up his freedom for you.

And if you’re dealing with this, you know how tempting it can be to try to force it to work. 

11) He’s feeling the pressure

No one likes to be pressured into anything.

While it may not seem like a big deal to you, committing to a relationship might be exactly that to him.

If you’re there making ultimatums and forcing him to commit, then he might be running out of fear. It’s his feelings for you that bring him back each time but the pressure will send him away again in no time.

Do you keep bringing up the conversation over and over? Do you keep asking him to commit to you?

He may simply be overwhelmed by it all and not ready to put a label on it.

It doesn’t mean he isn’t interested in you. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want a relationship with you.

He just wants to take things slowly and move forward on his terms.

12) He’s in it for the sex

Sex is just a physical act and doesn’t have to involve any feelings at all.

Your guy might not be interested in a relationship at all but rather looking for some casual fun. So, how exactly can you tell?

When he disappears and comes back into your life, is the first thing he wants sex?

When he arranges your next date, is it always at night and close to someone’s house?

Does he skip the date altogether and simply go for the booty call?

This is a guy who only wants one thing from you. And he’s getting it.

Time to take sex off the table and see what he really thinks of you. If he likes you, then he’ll stick around. If it was purely physical, you’ll have your answer.

It may not be what you want to hear, but it helps to know either way.

Sex is one of the most primal drives in men, but there’s a drive inside him even stronger than sex. If you really want to get your man to commit to you and stop being so wishy-washy, you can trigger this drive. 

When you do, you’ll see results immediately. He’ll be hanging off your every word, unable to get enough.

This drive was discovered by relationship expert James Bauer, and I mentioned it earlier in the article. Here’s the thing though: it’s just that effective. The hero instinct influences every decision of every man. 

When you can trigger it, you’ll have him in the palm of your hand. James Bauer’s latest free video reveals exactly what you do to bring out the hero instinct in your man straight away.

13) He’s bored

Similar to that feeling of loneliness mentioned above, it may be a more superficial case of boredom that is powering his actions. He’s not interested in a relationship but he does enjoy your company and killing time with you.

When he’s got other things going on in his life, then you won’t see him for a few weeks. He’s busy and he’s happy.

But when things get quiet again, he shows up on your doorstep, ready to hang out again.

This isn’t a relationship you want to be in. If you like the guy, then consider friend-zoning him. This leaves you open to date other guys, but still means you can hang out from time to time.

Without the thought of a relationship looming over your heads, it might be much easier to make things work between you two.

14) He’s weak

When you “break up” with someone or let them know you’re not interested in a relationship, it can be hard. He might simply be too weak to go ahead with it.

He likes you, but not enough to date you, and doesn’t know how to let you down without hurting your feelings.

So, he does the next best thing and just comes in and out of your life without committing to you. This isn’t the right thing for either of you.

You’ll end up stuck in limbo from here on out, not able to move on and find a proper relationship with someone.

It might be time for you to rip off the bandaid and show this guy what strength looks like. Confront him and tell him now’s his chance to tell you how he really feels. Tell him he doesn’t need to be worried about hurting your feelings, you can take it.

But, if he’s going to keep stringing you along when there are no feelings there at all, that will upset you much more.

When you put it like that, he might just find the guts to fess up about how he feels about you.

15) He wants to stay in your life

We all know just how hard it can be to stay friends with the ex.

We all say it will happen at the beginning of the relationship. We like to think we’re the exception. But then life gets in the way and reality is messy.

He might want to avoid this and genuinely wants to stay friends with you.

His way of doing that is to stay in your life and keep that connection there. He has no intentions of progressing the relationship but doesn’t want to let you know for fear he’ll be kicked out of your life.

Now, you have a decision to make.

Are you willing to stay friends? If so, let him know it’s OK. That your friendship is still there and you can both forget a relationship together.

But, if your feelings are too strong, then it’s time to cut ties.

Tell him you like him, but more than a friend and if he doesn’t want the same thing, then it has to end here. Remember, it’s important to think about what you want out of all of this.

16) You’re paying for things

This isn’t something any woman (or man) wants to think about, but it happens far too often.

If your man has no solid cash flow coming in and possibly doesn’t even have a place to call home, he may keep coming back to you for the freebies.

He enjoys that meal you pay for, he loves going out to the movies on your dime and he’s always happy for you to cover the costs.

It’s easy to know if this is your guy, all you have to do is suggest splitting the bill 50/50 next time you see him and sit back and watch him squirm. Or perhaps he offers to pay for you, before letting you know he left his wallet at home.

It might not even be so obvious. He might simply come over to your place and hang around, digging through your fridge and using your things. It might be time to part ways and let him know he needs to make it one his own now.

17) It’s a habit

If your guy’s sticking around, but there doesn’t seem to be any feelings there, it could just be a habit for him.

You might have been together for a while now, never putting a label on what you have and he’s simply grown used to it.

After all, if he feels like he has a good thing going, why would he want to change it?

He can come and go as he likes, without any of the problems that come when feelings get in the way. Sounds good!

But, if you’re after love, commitment, and an actual relationship, then you need to speak up now and let him know what you want.

Just hearing how you feel might be enough to change his tune and commit to you. After all, he may not even realize he’s been holding back.

What to do if he doesn’t want a relationship?

When a guy tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, then it helps to listen to him. He means it.

As much as you’re happy to wait around and put him first, if he doesn’t want it then you’re going to be waiting a while.

Your next step is to consider whether your current arrangement works for you.

Are you happy to continue the way things are knowing he’ll never commit to you?

Your answer to this question will determine what you do next.

1. You move on with someone else.
2. You continue with what you have and forgot about the label.

Do you need the label?

It’s important to recognize that there’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to relationships. The most important thing is that you’re both happy and there’s compromise on both sides to make it work.

If you’re after an exclusive relationship and he likes to play the field, this won’t work.

If you’re after love and he just wants sex, this won’t work.

If he keeps failing to show up, makes you feel insecure, or doesn’t treat you the way you want to be treated, this won’t work.

It’s not just about him. You need to work out what you want and need out of a relationship and whether or not he meets those needs.

But if you both like each other, enjoy spending time with each other, and are willing to see where things go, then don’t rush to put a label on it.

Sometimes it helps to take a step back and see things from the other person’s point of view. Understanding where they are coming from and what they’re thinking and feeling can go a long way in any relationship.

Final thoughts 

No two relationships are the same, so don’t get fixated on what everyone else is doing.

But if you’re tired of the hot and the cold, there’s a solution. If you’re just ready for him to pick you, to settle down and show unwavering commitment, there’s a secret way you can get it.

What is it?

It involves activating his hero instinct, a concept I’ve mentioned a couple of times already. Like sex, love, and eating, the hero instinct is a primal drive in men. It’s the reason behind every single decision they make.

Yet, only one in ten men know about it. Less than one woman in a thousand knows about it.

James Bauer, having spent over a decade coaching thousands of women in relationships, started to notice a pattern. This free video talks about it more.

Essentially, James has discovered seven secret switches inside of men that, by using the right phrases and actions, you can flip. The result? He becomes more devoted, more loyal, and crazy about you.

No more hot and cold, no more coming back just to leave again.

The free video is worth checking out. You’ll learn a lot, even a few things you can try on your man as early as tonight.

Here’s a link to the free video again.