We all process breakups differently. Some of us go on trips, get haircuts, date around, wallow in self-pity, go on a journey of self-reflection, keep ourselves updated about our exes, or completely move on at the first chance.
Sounds familiar? Well, it’s why you’re here, aren’t you? That one ex who raised so many red flags during your relationship is already in a new one.
You can’t wrap your head around it, right? I get you. So we’re going to talk about 12 possible reasons why your “insecure” ex moved on quickly and what you can do about it.
But first, stop looking at his Instagram…
If you’re reading this article on one hand and have your ex’s Instagram open on the other hand, sis, you better close that Instagram account right now.
First of all, I’ll tell you what I say to my friends after breakups: focus on yourself.
The attention you give him after he’s no longer in your life is energy you can’t get back. If the idea of him is hurting you like this AFTER he’s no longer in your life then you need to reevaluate if that’s really what you need.
Also, congratulations. It might be a swift left turn that I’m even congratulating you on this but it’s necessary. If you consider your ex as “insecure”, then is that man really worth losing sleep for?
We constantly hurt ourselves over people who do not deserve it and it’s important that we screw our heads on straight before we jump into this list. You need to know if it’s going to be worth it, after all.
Fair warning: you’re gonna read things that might be difficult to accept, so brace yourself.
The kind, the ugly, and the brutal
I put the reasons in categories (the kind truth, the ugly truth, and the brutal truth) because you might need to hear different ones at different stages of your moving on.
I’m no longer going to nitpick about what makes your ex insecure or what you consider fast when it comes to moving on since that’s different for everybody.
I will, however, go out on a limb and assume that the relationship and/or the breakup was rocky at best.
The kind truths
1) He’s not as moved on as you think
“Fake it ’til you make it” is an overused cliché for a reason. Even if we don’t feel like it, life goes on as normal. Same with him.
He needs to look the part to play the part of being okay. Sure, he might be in the genuine phase of wanting to move on, but not entirely. At least not yet.
Insecurity does play a part in this in a way that a lot of us need the affirmation that we will be okay. Breakups are hard, man, we are left thinking that we failed.
And if your ex was insecure to begin with, it’s going to be extra tough because he will seek that affirmation. And fast.
2) He doesn’t know how to process the breakup
In a perfect world, men will be allowed to express their emotions and NOT be judged for it. In an ideal world, they can grieve a breakup without people around them breathing down their necks for being “soft”. I wish we lived in that perfect world.
Unfortunately, men have images and societal expectations to keep up with. For the record: Men are allowed to express emotions and be soft should they wish to be.
However, so many men still refuse to show vulnerability because society dictates that “being a man” means not showing emotions—besides maybe anger.
This means that it’s not just him who bottles up his emotions but so do his friends.
He doesn’t have the emotional support needed to process the end of your relationship. So he’s going to “man up” the entire time and hope for the best. It’s not very emotionally healthy but it’s the reality for a lot of men out there.
So, yeah, he’s probably not as moved on as you think (as I said in #1). He wants to show you—and the world—that he is though.
He needs to look as though he’s okay. So he posts photos of him wrapping his arm around somebody new, he changes the relationship status, and he smiles for the camera.
He shows that he’s moved on and thriving… but is he, though? Or is the breakup just gonna hit him much, much later?
3) He’s not over you, but he’s trying to
Remember what I said at the start that we all process breakups differently? He could be one of those who date to get over people (this study found that men are more likely to do so).
Yup, he’s rebounding.
Rebound relationships get such a bad rep because they’re generally seen as a band-aid relationship, the in-between relationship that won’t last. Because, well, it’s the in-between.
By definition and practice, rebound relationships are relationships that someone gets into shortly after a breakup. They are seen as short-lived, temporary, and for fun; they exist even though feelings from the previous relationship have yet to disappear.
I have to be honest, rebound relationships are 50/50 for me, it depends on which side of the breakup you are in.
And I get it, it doesn’t feel good that someone is genuinely moving on from us while we’re still in ruins over the breakup.
Like, how did they do it so fast, right? While you’re here, reading this article, searching for answers. It does feel unfair. I get that, too.
4) You’re giving him more credit than he deserves
Hot take: he deserves none of the credit you’re giving him post-breakup. Yup, this is me still being kind to you right now, but you need to hear this.
Has he really moved on or is that what’s posted online? Was this all gossip? We perceive people the way we want to or are used to even if we know better.
We’re biased and you need to step away from the situation and objectively see the facts for what they are.
You can interpret this as either me telling you that you shouldn’t think about him or that you’re seeing him in a happier light than he objectively is.
The ugly truth
5) He started moving on long before you broke up
We’re breaching ugly truth territory: did your relationship end way before you broke up? That’s a thinker, isn’t it?
There could have been problems leading on to the end, you know this one yourself.
Perhaps you were just never ready to confront the truth but now is as good a time as any. Why are you so bothered by this man now? Is it because you saw it coming but didn’t stop it? Another thinker.
If your ex is as insecure as you think he is, there’s a possibility that he was already moving on while you were still together.
If he felt that the breakup was incoming and inevitable, he might have already readied himself for the crash.
Maybe this is also why you feel bad about the situation, you feel left behind or caught off guard. Maybe it’s feeling like you should’ve done the same and this feels like another loss, either way, that’s not on you.
If he chose to move on even when you were still together (in whatever means this could be), then that choice was his and his alone.
6) He’s a serial monogamist
Look, we know at least one serial monogamist, that one person who gets into relationships one after the other with very little gap in between. It’s as if they hate the idea of being single. It’s not rebounding per se, they’re 100% into every relationship because they can’t be 100% on their own.
Think to yourself, was there a pattern? If he had exes before you, what’s the timeline? Did he jump from his ex to you? Is that what he’s doing now?
If he is a serial monogamist, then the speed of his new relationship was expected. Him not being in a relationship is like a fish being out of water and he wants back in. Now.
7) He needs the validation (+ his ego can’t handle the rejection)
Insecure people need validation, that’s the simplest truth. They thrive on the attention showered on them, they want to be wanted, and they hate rejection. The thing you need to know, accept, and keep in your back pocket at all times is that their insecurity is not on you.
If they’re no longer getting their validation from you, they need to get it somewhere somehow. Your breakup will feel like a rejection (for whatever reason, even if it isn’t) and that doesn’t sit well with an insecure person. They have egos to soothe and hurt feelings to nurse.
But by reacting now, you’re giving them validation again. They can skew your attention for whatever purpose their ego needs and do you really want that? Your attention is not fodder for anyone’s insecurities, much less your ex.
8) He’s proving a point
Perhaps the point is this: He can be without you. Or maybe the point is he’s better off without you. Or that he won the breakup. It could even be that he’s proving to the world—not to you—that he’s happier after the relationship.
Or maybe he’s proving a point to himself. At the start of this list, I told you about faking it ‘til you make it, and this could be connected. We need to prove that our decisions are correct because losing hurts so damn much.
He doesn’t even need to win the breakup per se, he just doesn’t want to lose. (Maybe even the same way you don’t want to lose to him, ha!)
9) He wants to show you he’s moved on
This could be sinister or not, the way mind games are. He could be trying to get a rise out of you and giving a reaction is feeding his insecurity.
You’re validating him again that yes, I still know what you’re up to and it’s hurting me. (Like I said on #7, it deserves another mention.)
If he’s blatantly parading his new relationship, look away. You’re not doing yourself any favors by playing into his game.
The brutal truth
10) He doesn’t care
This is somewhat the reverse of the previous number and I’m going for tough love here, okay? He doesn’t care.
He’s moved on (or is in the process of) and didn’t even think about you the entire time.
He’s already living his best life and you happen to NOT be part of that. You’re only making yourself miserable by thinking he cares about what you think because the thing is: he really doesn’t.
That doesn’t make him a bad person per se, but that definitely makes him not worth your time anymore. He’s claiming space in your mind without paying rent and girl, you don’t need that energy in your life.
Accept that the breakup is the end and do as Beyoncé says in her video below, “Tell him, boy, bye”.
11) He’s moved on
Plain and simple. He found someone new and he welcomed it. It might seem unimaginable that it’s a possibility considering how fast you think it is, but it is and he has.
I know that it leaves a foul taste in the mouth when we’re the one being left miserable in a situation that includes two people but sometimes, that’s just how it is.
Insecure or not, it’s possible that they’re just over you, simple as.
12) This was never about you
You wanted the brutal truth, huh? Often, we overestimate (or underestimate) our space and value in people’s lives. Maybe because we hope they treat us the way we treat them or we just see the good in people, but the thing is, people are who they show you.
People are exactly how they present themselves: no ifs, no buts, and no filters.
His moving on? Not about you. His new partner? Not about you either. The faster you accept that the two of you are separate entities now, the quicker you can rebuild.
What should matter to you is you. As I said at the start: focus on yourself; because he sure as heck won’t. And you shouldn’t expect him to.
What do you do now?
Over him? Ideally nothing. For yourself? A whole lot. I’m always on the side of treating ourselves kindly in these kinds of situations.
I think it’s easy to be judged by others when we tell them that we’re still affected by situations or people that were not good for us. However, navigating a breakup, no matter how awful the relationship or the partner was, is always difficult.
If you find yourself yearning, or at the very least, itching to like his status updates, know that that’s a valid feeling. Not that you need to act on it, but it’s okay to accept that you’re feeling it.
I don’t want to give you a bunch of possible reasons for his moving on and then not give you a few tips you can take for yourself, so I’ll do just that.
Remember: you are not food for his ego. Do not feed the monster rearing its ugly head within you either. Mind games are exhausting, give yourself the chance to move on away from the idea of him.
You already got yourself out of that mess, is it really worth it to linger?
Talk to a professional
If talking to your girlfriends won’t suffice, consider talking to a professional. There is no shame in asking for help, you can try going to your local relationship counselors or coaches or you can try Relationship Hero.
Relationship Hero is a popular site where highly trained relationship coaches help people work through complex relationship issues, exactly like the situation you are in. Their coaches are skilled and empathetic, they will do their best to help you through your situation.
Remember why you broke up
I understand missing exes, I’ve been there, and I will probably be there in the future as well, but the fastest way I stop missing them is by remembering why it didn’t work out.
In this case, if you think your ex had been insecure the entire time, ask yourself: do you want to deal with that again? Would you trade your peace to be entangled with them again?
Ever so often we’re so hyped by the competition of who’s doing better post-breakup that we don’t even remember the reason for the breakup.
Were you miserable? What part of them is holding you back? Remember their patterns, what was your last straw? Let that anchor you.
Your healing is up to you
There’s a very good chance that you read all this because you didn’t get the closure you wanted and think you deserved. I, however, have an unpopular opinion for you: our exes don’t owe us closure.
Closure is wishful thinking. Should your healing really start after they said sorry? I sure hope not. Your healing shouldn’t depend on what they gave or did not give you. That’s on you.
So I want to leave you with this, and you can take them as affirmations if it will help:
You are worth more than what the situation is letting you think. You deserve someone who will appreciate you wholeheartedly. You deserve the love you want. This is not just an ending, but also a beginning.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
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