9 reasons why an emotionally unavailable man may eventually fall in love

You’ve probably heard plenty of horror stories about emotionally unavailable men. Maybe a girlfriend fell in love with one and had her heart broken. Maybe you’ve seen it in a family member.

With that in mind, why would you ever want to have a relationship with a man who can’t–or won’t–be there for you emotionally?

Take it from someone who’s been there, unfortunately: falling in love with an emotionally unavailable man hurts.

But there is hope. Your man, like mine, might have a good reason for being emotionally unavailable, like trauma in his past.

And he isn’t trying to hurt you or be inconsiderate. He’s just been locked down for so long that he’s struggling to let you in.

The good news is if you feel he’s worth the effort, then he probably is. And there are reasons he may still eventually fall in love. Plus I can tell you how I worked on my own relationship, with a little help from a professional.

Let’s get right into it:

1) You start with friendship

Creating a solid base of friendship first helps your emotionally unavailable man start to open up to you without the pressure of romance.

You might be gaga over him, but you keep it on the down low so you two can be friends first and connect that way, learning about any shared values, hobbies, and interests.

I started out as just friends with my partner, which really allowed us to build a solid foundation where we got to know each other first before feelings began to grow—organically. Though he shied away at first, he still knew that we would always be friends, even if the romance didn’t work out.

An emotionally unavailable man wants to know that you’re not wholly dependent on him, though he might still want to play the hero for you (more on that in a moment).

Let him know that while you’re interested, you still have your own life to live.

2) You’re still independent

Much as you might love someone, it’s still important to be your own independent person. And not only for your own benefit, but for the benefit of your unavailable man.

Focus on yourself first and show him that you’re not clingy and you won’t drive him away by being too much, too soon.

How do you manage this in a practical way?

Personally, I found the free Love and Intimacy video by world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandê to be invaluable.

It felt like someone really understood my struggles with love and intimacy while I was watching it. And it reminded me that first I had to focus on my inner relationship with myself, before I focused on my relationship with my partner.

After all, you need to love yourself before you can give love, and receive it in turn.

That doesn’t mean you can’t still subtly encourage him to be your hero.

3) You make him your hero

Ever heard of the hero instinct? The term comes from relationship specialist James Bauer and basically says that all men have a biological instinct to earn your love. Even if you’re willing to give it freely, men don’t feel satisfied if they aren’t actively doing things to ensure you love them.

On the plus side, this means when they do have the opportunity to earn our love, they feel more connected and committed to you.

So how do you make him your hero?

You can outright ask him for help, even with something as small as unscrewing the lid on a tough jar, or helping you hang up some new shelves.

And when he stands up for you or does something for your benefit, you compliment him. Just make sure it’s an honest compliment and you truly are grateful, or he’ll sense it and it won’t work.

Besides, doesn’t complimenting someone, especially someone you love, feel good anyway? And being honest with an unavailable man is another excellent reason he’ll fall in love with you.

4) You’re totally honest

Honesty is always the best policy, especially when it comes to an emotionally unavailable man. Of course, you should be honest anyway—though not brutally honest (which is usually just an excuse to be mean).

Mostly what honesty means here is that you don’t play games. You’re respectful and you let him know how you feel so he doesn’t have to worry about rejection when he does reach out.

And when he does try to reach out? You also don’t push him to do it, or try to force him to do more than he’s comfortable with.

5) You don’t rush him

With an emotionally unavailable man, you have to take it slow.

You might want to push him to make a commitment to you, but doing so will only drive him off. On the other hand, when you don’t rush him and let him just enjoy being with you? You’ve just given him another reason to fall in love.

This is especially true if you’re still young, though there’s no rush for older couples either. A lot of people feel like they need to hit relationship milestones as soon as possible.

Take this as a friendly reminder that you don’t. It’s true that there are some time limits on things (like having kids) but they shouldn’t be the driving force behind your relationship.

So give your unavailable man some time to process—and you’ll be pleasantly surprised when he starts to talk about your future together of his own accord.

6) You don’t push him to talk about the future

A lot of men (and women too) hear alarm bells when their partner wants to talk about the future. You may be thinking of the rest of your lives, but your partner is still just enjoying the present.

Talking about the future is important, of course, if you see this relationship as a long-term thing. It’s just easy to spook an emotionally unavailable man if you come on too strong about where you’ll be in five years, ten years, a decade.

When my partner started talking about our possible future together, even in a joking manner, I knew that he was comfortable with our relationship. I made sure to reassure him that I saw a future there too—just didn’t start planning a wedding immediately.

What it really comes down to is support. So how do you support an emotionally unavailable man?

7) You support him

Seems like a given that you should support your partner, but it’s especially important to support an emotionally unavailable man.

I don’t mean that you should obey him or always go along with his every wish—like I said above, he’ll value your independence. But when he does reach out or make an effort to connect, support him even if the attempt doesn’t quite work out.

You can do this with words or actions of support, or a mixture of both, depending on what works best for you and your partner. Communication is key; tell him if your needs aren’t being met. And let him tell you when he needs something.

After all, the best way to help an emotionally unavailable man open up and fall in love is to show him that he can trust you.

8) You show him he can always trust you

Emotionally unavailable men have trouble with relationships mostly because they feel that they can’t trust anyone. By being withdrawn from the beginning–or pulling back as soon as they feel uncomfortable–they’re trying to protect themselves.

So showing your partner that he can trust you is a big reason he’ll fall in love. This applies to the big things, of course: cheating, finances, your life together. But it also applies to the smaller things, like being patient and supportive when he does reach out.

Remember that trust is the foundation of a solid relationship, and you should both be able to trust each other. When your partner feels like he can trust you, he can feel more comfortable expressing commitment.

9) You let him express commitment first

Writing this article, I’ve felt a bit like I’m giving advice on how to tame a stray dog, but honestly? The principles are pretty similar.

Humans aren’t pets, of course, but the best way to build a relationship with a shy animal is to let them come to you. It works the same with an emotionally unavailable man.

Your partner needs to feel that commitment is his idea, and that he isn’t being pushed into anything. It can be frustrating to wait for him to do that, but it’s a sign that he’s truly in love and willing to overcome his fears to build a relationship with you.

Only you know if an emotionally unavailable man is worth the effort, but if he is, then I hope these tips help you. And if you haven’t yet had a chance to check out the free Love and Intimacy video by Rudá Iandê, I encourage you to do so. It certainly helped me!