Why am I so needy and insecure? Everything you need to know

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 It’s no secret that we all have insecurities. However, it can be frustrating and difficult to live with these feelings on a daily basis. 

 It can be hard to feel good about ourselves when we think someone is judging us or looking down on us.

 Here are some ways you can try to deal with your insecurities and get rid of the neediness.

What causes insecurities and neediness?

Insecurities are often triggered by external forces rather than something we’ve done ourselves.

Insecurities can be caused by other people and society but typically, A lot of it also has to do with the fact that we all have different attachment styles.

Most of the time, our attachment style was formed during our childhood. These patterns or styles get passed down from generation to generation through how we were raised by our parents.

So let’s take a look at what each attachment style is and why they lead to neediness and insecurity.

1) Securely attached people

They tend not to be clingy and demanding, which means that they feel more comfortable in their relationships and are less insecure about them.

A person who is not secure will often feel like they can’t get what they want and that their needs aren’t being met. And this is why they’ll become needy and insecure.

2) Anxious-attachment

People with an anxious attachment style tend to be clingy, indecisive, and insecure. 

They’re always worried about their relationship status and feel the need to constantly check in with their partner to reassure themselves that things are okay.

People with an anxious attachment style also tend to be over-responsible, fearful, and paranoid.

3) Fearful-attachment

People who have an anxious attachment style are usually extremely frightened about the future.

They often feel like their partners will leave them and aren’t comfortable with the idea of being alone. They’re also very afraid that their partners might hurt themselves.

They see safety in being attached to someone else even though they want to get away from them. This can lead to a lot of neediness in the relationship.

4) Dismissing-attachment

These people tend to not be very clingy or needy. 

They’re usually efficient and often give little thought to the feelings and thoughts of their partner. They’re also usually calm and relaxed individuals who can see the big picture in life.

They don’t dwell too much on how their partner feels or what they want or need from them. This can lead to a lot of neediness in the relationship.

5) Unresolved-attachment

These people have no idea how they’re supposed to behave with their partners. 

They’re very indecisive, insecure, and fearful about their romantic partners. In fact, they often avoid getting into relationships because their past experiences with love have proven that relationships are doomed to fail.

So they try to avoid getting into relationships with their feelings and thoughts. This can lead to a lot of neediness and insecurity in the relationship.

As you can see, there are a few different attachment styles that cause neediness in relationships and even more that can cause insecurity.

 And if you are acting clingy or needy, this might be why!

Is being clingy and needy really such a bad thing?

If you find yourself on the needy/insecure side you’re probably thinking that you’re a complete loser and that having someone love you because of it, is impossible.

Well, the good news is that it’s not.

So, although the label has been given a bad rep, some people are just naturally wired to be this way and it’s more of a coping mechanism than it is a character flaw.

Check out this video where personal development expert Justin Brown explains why being needy is not necessarily a bad thing.

How do I know if I’m insecure and needy?

What behaviors and characteristics show that I’m needy?

If you’re wondering whether or not you fall into the cling/needy bracket, here are some tell-tale signs that you do.

1) You Wait for someone to tell you what you should do or how you should be

One of the most common pitfalls people find themselves in is waiting for someone else to tell them what they should do or how they should be. 

There are so many things that we don’t know and instead hold back because we’re afraid of not being good enough, not knowing all the answers, or being judged. 

Sometimes it can feel like you have too much responsibility on your own shoulders but there’s also a lesson when you trust yourself to make decisions without having all the facts beforehand; listen closely and dare to try new things while continuing with old habits. 

2) You are afraid of making a mistake or looking bad in front of others

You are afraid of the inner turmoil you may experience when your expectations don’t match reality. 

You’re also not that keen on the idea of exploring and challenging yourself, because it might make you feel like a failure in front of others.

However, these feelings aren’t based on fact; they stem from an irrational fear or insecurity that is holding you back from fully embracing life – which by extension deprives other people who encounter this same behavior of being able to enjoy their lives as well. 

3) You believe that you are not worthy of love and respect

You might even be suffering from low self-esteem or even feel worthless at times.

These feelings arise from a lack of unconditional love in your life. 

Lack of self-worth is an emotional response to being rejected, neglected, or feeling unloved as a child. 

This emotional conditioning can lead to cycles where you reject yourself out of fear and then believe that nobody could ever want anything from you because there’s something wrong with you anyway. 

But what if you could change this, and as a result change your life? 

You see, so much of what we believe to be reality is just a construction. We can actually reshape that to create fulfilling lives that are in line with what matters most to us.

The truth is:

Once we remove the social conditioning and unrealistic expectations our family, education system, even religion has put onto us, the limits to what we can achieve is endless.

I learned this (and much more) from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandé. In this excellent free video, Rudá explains how you can lift the mental chains and get back to the core of your being. 

A word of warning, Rudá isn’t your typical shaman. 

He’s not going to reveal pretty words of wisdom that offer false comfort. 

Instead, he’s going to force you to look at yourself in a way you have never before. It’s a powerful approach, but one that works. 

So if you’re ready to take this first step and align your dreams with your reality, there’s no better place to start than with Rudá’s unique method.

Here’s a link to the free video again

4) Other people’s opinions are more important than your own.

You may be afraid of not pleasing others or being judged for your actions, thoughts, and feelings.

 You may be afraid of saying what you think or feeling what you feel. 

The problem is that you value other people’s opinions more than your own and thus become less motivated to do the things that are important to you. 

You’re also not keen on taking action because of the fear of losing others’ approval in the process – which only makes it harder for yourself to make better choices in the long run.

5) You have a tendency to always follow the crowd.

You’re a bit of a sheep.

You may be afraid of standing out or being different from others. 

But the truth is, you’re afraid of being judged and not appreciated for who you are. 

You don’t want to be different because that means risk—something we all have a natural tendency to avoid when possible. 

It’s important to recognize this fear so it doesn’t stop your progress in life from happening! 

 6) You blame the world for your struggles

It’s never your fault!

When you blame the world for your struggles, you give up any chance at change. 

Sure, it’s easy to point fingers and say “well if they just did this or that differently my life would be perfect.” It isn’t true. 

You should take responsibility for your own actions instead of blaming others for what happens in your life.

7) You are always seeking approval from others

The need for approval is an insidious disease that can be difficult to shake. 

A person who needs approval from others will always seek it because the desire for such a thing never goes away, no matter how much they might try or wish otherwise. 

But what causes this? 

The cause of this unhealthy habit has roots in one’s inability to accept themselves and their own self-worth as well as not believing they are enough just being themself with all their quirks and flaws included.

8) You always try too hard!

The search for external validation stems from deep personal inadequacies which come out in our most vulnerable moments when we think nobody cares about us or even notices us at all.

When we don’t believe people care or notice the little things like if somebody understands your jokes vs laughing outside of politeness, you’ll find yourself seeking more attention by trying too hard instead of pursuing meaningful relationships

9) You feel that everyone is out to get you

You’re a complete cynic.

You feel that everyone is out to get you, and it’s hard for anyone to earn your trust. 

You don’t like being around other people because they may be judging you or talking behind your back. 

This can lead to isolation which will only worsen the situation. 

How to overcome being needy and insecure

By now you should have a pretty good idea of why you’re needy and what it looks like.

If you’ve come this far, good on you. Let’s get to the good part of how to overcome this.

And yes, it’s definitely possible.

1) Become aware of your neediness

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

There is a difference between needing attention and being needy. When we are needy, we always want more attention than we deserve. 

We want it even when others do not give us the attention we need, sometimes even demanding it from them. 

Instead of caring about being needy and insecure, become aware of when you feel the neediness. 

Ask yourself why you are feeling this way and if your thoughts are correct or if they are exaggerations that have been repeated so many times in your head that you now believe them to be true.

2)  Improve your self-esteem

You need to feel good about yourself in order to get rid of your insecurities. 

People with low self-esteem are more likely to be needy and insecure than people with high self-esteem and a sense of independence. 

If you have low self-esteem, there are several ways you can boost it:

a. Improve your self-acceptance

The first step to improving your self-esteem is to accept yourself for who you are. 

You probably have a bunch of negative beliefs about yourself that are not true, or maybe only partially true.

These beliefs can be changed by reprogramming your mind to focus on positive thoughts instead of negative ones. Here are some ways to improve your self-acceptance:

b. Overcome your negative beliefs

Some things you may have been told about yourself that are negative are:

  • “You’re fat.”
  • “You’re ugly.”
  • “You’re stupid.”

c. Understand that you are worthy of love and attention

If you have a difficult time accepting yourself, it might be helpful to learn more about unconditional love. 

This kind of love is not based on anything you do or how you look.

 It is just an emotion that comes from the heart and is felt for someone no matter what they do, look like or say.

3) Tap into your own personal power

So how can you overcome this insecurity that’s been nagging you?

The most effective way is to tap into your personal power

You see, we all have an incredible amount of power and potential within us, but most of us never tap into it. We become bogged down in self-doubt and limiting beliefs. We stop doing what brings us true happiness. 

I learned this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. He’s helped thousands of people align work, family, spirituality, and love so they can unlock the door to their personal power. 

He has a unique approach that combines traditional ancient shamanic techniques with a modern-day twist. It’s an approach that uses nothing but your own inner strength – no gimmicks or fake claims of empowerment. 

Because true empowerment needs to come from within.

In his excellent free video, Rudá explains how you can create the life you’ve always dreamed of and increase attraction in your partners, and it’s easier than you might think.

So if you’re tired of living in frustration, dreaming but never achieving, and of living in self-doubt, you need to check out his life-changing advice.

Click here to watch the free video

4) Work out any trust issues you may have

Insecurity comes from the inability to expect good things from others and to feel safe. 

You may have had a traumatic experience in which you were betrayed or put down by someone. 

This can cause you to feel unsafe with new people and not look forward to working with them.

5) Learn more about yourself

In order to feel better about yourself, you need to learn more about yourself and what makes you different from other people. 

Everyone is unique in some way, therefore everyone has something that makes them unique and an individual.

6) Find new hobbies and interests that make you feel good about yourself

Finding some new hobbies or interests can make you feel better about yourself. 

If you like to dance, go and learn a few dance moves, then practice them a few times. 

Do some research on different dance styles, watch videos of people dancing, and start dancing all by yourself in front of the mirror for fun. 

Also try to find things that you enjoy doing with others, even if it is just to have fun with your friends.

7. Get some “me time”

See where you are spending the most time and try to cure the habit that is causing your insecurities. 

For example, if you are spending most of your time at work, you need to change the way you spend your free hours.

Start by taking a break from work every five minutes and then leave as soon as you get home for ten or fifteen minutes, then go back to work. 

If you insist on staying at work all the time, try to avoid spending time there when nobody else is around so you can’t be tempted to act needy.

8) Get support from friends and family

Surround yourself with people who lift you up and who make you feel good about yourself.

If you have a hard time accepting yourself, then surround yourself with people who love you for who you are and who don’t make you think constantly about your flaws.

It could be a friend, a family member, or even a group of people at work. Make sure they lift you up and don’t put you down.

9) Know you can change

You might not think that it’s possible but, I can vouch that it definitely is!

You can change your life and become more confident, but it will take time and effort. 

Changes you make to improve your self-esteem can be disappointing and discouraging when they don’t work at first. 

When you think about how far you have come in the past, though, it is easy to see that it takes time for things to work out.

10) Stop comparing yourself to others

Being bombarded by social media to act, live and look a certain way can be exhausting.

But, remember,

You aren’t obligated to be just like anyone else and we’re all different!

If someone has something that you want, you should be glad for them and happy for them. 

Don’t compare yourself to others and envy what they have or don’t have. 

You will be happier in life if you stop this behavior because it doesn’t help your self-esteem.

11) Know that everything is temporary

Insecurities can cause people to feel as though everything is permanent. 

They worry about things that did happen in the past and think of them as never changing or will never change. 

You must realize that bad thing are a part of life, but they aren’t permanent. 

They happened in the past, but they won’t be forever, you can have good things happen again and you can have good times again. 

Things will get better!

12) Having low self-esteem doesn’t make you a horrible person

You’re not broken, maybe just a little bent!

Having low self-esteem doesn’t mean that you have bad character. 

Someone with low self-esteem can also be very kind and good at what they do. 

Everyone has good and bad qualities, but if you are committed to changing your life, it is possible to work on things that will help you overcome your insecurities and improve your self-esteem.

Conclusion

After reading this article, I hope you have gained greater insight into insecurities and neediness.

Remember, it doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means that you have to be willing to put in the work to ensure that it doesn’t stop you from being your best self.

With some introspection and with clear communication with your partner you’re bound to be able to work out what your attachment style is so you can get rid of neediness and insecurity in the relationship.

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

Click here to get started.