During my university years, I caught my boyfriend at the time texting another girl.
I’d had my suspicions for a while. He was also so secretive, never let me on his phone, and always kept his password a secret.
So I know how it feels to have your gut tell you that your BF is up to no good — and the agony of trying to find out the truth.
If you’re in a similar situation, you’ll know the pain!
That’s why I’m going to share with you everything you need to know and do to find out who your BF is texting, and what you can do once your suspicions have been confirmed.
But first, is he actually up to something, or are you just overthinking things? Let’s have a look:
Signs that he’s texting someone else
Before you start searching for evidence that he’s messaging another woman, you’ve got to first be sure that your suspicions are correct.
The truth is:
Micro-cheating (cheating via text or apps) happens because it’s so easy. Everyone is accessible thanks to technology and it’s easier to hide unfaithful messages.
But equally, you don’t want to mistake an innocent conversation with an old friend or a colleague to mean that he’s being unfaithful.
That’s why it’s a good idea to consider the list below before you make up your mind:
1) He constantly uses his phone
As well as being disrespectful to ignore you and be on his phone all the time, if he’s constantly using it then you’ve got good reason to be concerned.
If he was truly invested in your relationship and wanted to spend quality time with you, he’d put the phone down for a few hours and give you his undivided attention, right?
So the fact that he’s constantly on it shows that:
- He doesn’t respect or love you anymore
- He’s probably busy texting someone else
- He’s possibly losing interest in the relationship
And if you question him about it, he might give you some believable excuses like he’s working or texting his sister. But if it happens all the time, there’s a good chance he’s hiding something.
2) He’s secretive with his phone
As well as being on his phone 24/7, whether you’re having dinner or cozied up on the sofa watching a film, you might find that he’s super secretive and weird about his phone.
Do you find your BF always tilts his phone away from you when he’s texting?
Or does he always place his phone screen facing down, so you can’t see any notifications that pop up?
Your BF might even go as far as to take his phone with him wherever he goes, even if he’s just popping to the kitchen or toilet, just so you’re never left alone with it.
Let’s be honest, if he wasn’t being secretive with your phone, you probably wouldn’t have any concerns.
One of the biggest signs that he’s texting someone else is when he blatantly doesn’t want you to see his phone and goes to these types of measures to stop you from looking.
After all, if he’s got nothing to hide, why all the secrecy?
3) He never answers his phone around you
As well as it looking very suspicious, if he takes all his calls outside and never talks on the phone in front of you, it’s not a good sign.
Let’s say, for the benefit of the doubt, he’s answering work calls. It would be understandable to take them outside where he can have some privacy.
But this excuse only works if it’s during working hours, calls late at night, or on his days off, Otherwise, it may indicate he could be talking to another woman.
4) He’s slow to text you back
Being slow at texting isn’t the problem, the problem is when he always replies late to you but when you’re together you see he’s constantly using his phone.
The two don’t add up — why does he have time for others but not for you?
It’d be one thing if he was slow at replying to everyone but the fact that he doesn’t have that problem is a worrying sign that his interests lie elsewhere.
5) He won’t let you use his phone
Using each other’s phones comes down to each couple. Some like it, some don’t.
After all, we’re still entitled to some privacy in a relationship.
But even if you’re not the type to casually pick up each other’s phone to search the internet or make a call, if you need to use it occasionally, it shouldn’t be an issue.
You share everything else in life so the fact that he never lets you use his phone is a major red flag.
He might be worried that if he lets you on it, you’ll “accidentally” hit the messages icon and see who he’s texting.
6) You’re not allowed to know his password
And if he never lets you use his phone, there’s a pretty good possibility that he won’t share the password with you either.
Again, this can be the case in some relationships.
But generally, over the years you do get to know your partner’s password, mainly just to make life easy. Like if he’s in the shower, he wants you to read out a text from the guy delivering his package, so you need to be able to unlock his phone.
Or your phone has run out of data and you want to order Chinese, knowing the password to use his phone is just convenient for these types of situations.
And the bottom line is:
Couples share each other’s passwords when they have trust and nothing to hide. They know their partner won’t go snooping through their phone.
It’s like an unspoken rule.
But the fact that he won’t share his password with you shows that he’s got something to hide and he’s not going to take the chance of you finding out.
7) He’s online but he doesn’t reply to you
It’s one thing that he’s always got his phone on him yet he replies late to you. Another is to physically see him online but he still doesn’t respond to your messages.
Who could he be talking to that’s distracting him so much?
That’s why this sign is quite indicative that he’s messaging someone else. If he was online and only talking to his friends or family, he’d surely have time to message you back too.
So, is he texting someone else or is it all in your head?
After reading the signs above, you’ll either be feeling great because none of them apply to your situation or your heart will be sinking because now you know he’s messaging someone else.
If your suspicions have been confirmed, you might be wondering what to do next.
Should you confront him straight away?
Or should you take the risky option, go into detective mode, and snoop through his phone?
Before we look at your options, I should warn you that going through his phone is a big deal and it could jeopardize your relationship if he’s not actually up to anything dodgy.
And the fact that you’re having these doubts, his behavior is weird and you’re considering going through his phone doesn’t signal a healthy relationship built on trust.
With that in mind, you’ve got to trust your gut feeling and do what’s best for you and your relationship.
So how can you find out who your BF is texting?
How to check who he’s texting
Take a sneak peek whenever his phone pings
Crane your neck, learn to keep one eye on the TV and the other on his phone, use a mirror if you have to, seeing who pops up on his notifications will give you a good clue.
But here’s the important part:
You’ve got to make it look natural.
Standing directly behind him probably won’t help and neither will slowly shuffling to get closer to him.
You could try busying yourself around the room, cleaning or tidying up, and then pass behind him to see what he’s doing on his phone.
Once you’re able to see semi-clearly, you’ve then got the hard part of working out the name.
You might not get it the first time around but if you manage to sneak a peek enough times, you’ll eventually get there.
Hopefully, you’ll see it’s just one of his friends, but if not, you’ll probably have some questions for your BF (we’ll have a look at what to do in this situation later).
Try and get the low-down from his friends
This probably won’t help you much if you don’t know his friends.
But if you’re super close, maybe his friends were your friends first or you’ve become one big family and you know they love you, you could enlist their help.
Ask them if he’s mentioned anyone else.
See if they know why he’s being so secretive — if they’re his best friends he must have mentioned something to them.
Another way to approach it:
Get your friends involved. Maybe they’ve got some friends in common with your BF and they could ask around to get the low down and see what he’s been up to.
Here’s the thing, if he’s messaging another woman, he’s probably meeting up with her too. And most affairs don’t stay secret for long, someone out there will have spotted them together.
So playing detectives with your friends might work out in the end but it’s not a quick-fix solution to finding out who he’s messaging.
Go through his phone
This is the option you’ve got to think about very carefully before proceeding.
You could go through his phone — it’s certainly the quickest way you’ll get the answers you’re looking for.
But as I mentioned earlier, it’s a big risk.
Personally, even though I remained suspicious of my ex-boyfriend, and like many women, I still get the odd irrational worry that my current partner is texting someone else, I resist the urge to look.
Partly because I wouldn’t like someone going through my phone (out of respect for my privacy), but also because it’s a huge breach of trust and I’d rather squash my worries by asking him upfront.
The truth is:
I’d rather feel a little silly and embarrassed when he shows me he’s chatting with an old uni buddy (not the sexy brunette that I envisaged in my head) than go behind his back and risk him finding out that I went through his phone.
Of course, if I found proof of him texting someone else I guess you could say my wrongdoing isn’t worse than his, but it’s still disrespecting his privacy regardless.
But, the choice is completely yours to make and there’s no judgment on what you choose to do because you’ve got to go with your gut instinct.
Maybe you’re at your wit’s end with his secretive behavior and you can’t stand living this way a second longer. Ultimately, crossing this line might lead you to the truth and you’ll be able to move on with your life, so it’s understandable.
So, if you do go ahead with it, make sure to do the following to cover your back:
- Aside from the usual social media and apps like Whatsapp, check if there are any other he’s using
- Look through all his folders, they might not be on the home screen or easy to find
- Make sure you close any tabs you open on his browser and any apps (there’s usually a way to see recently opened apps to swipe them away)
- Check his pictures and videos
- See if he’s got any web-based storage like Google Drive or Apple iCloud where he might be storing evidence
Finally, if you come across proof, take a picture using your phone just for safekeeping. That way, if and when you decide to confront him, he won’t be able to deny it.
Use spy software
Now, if going through his phone is risky, using spy software takes things to the next level.
This is truly a last resort, and in most cases, you’re probably better off just confronting him about your suspicions.
So, what’s the advantage of spying on him?
Well, all you need to do is get access to his phone once, download an app that’ll spy on his activity — who he messages, which apps he uses, etc — and it’ll send updates through to you.
You’ll essentially be able to see most of what he’s up to and you’ll quickly get answers.
But, finding the app, setting it up, and sneaking it onto his phone isn’t a 1-minute easy job, plus the consequences if he ever found out would be terrible.
Quite rightly, he’d probably be furious, and if you had any hopes of repairing the relationship then this would kill them.
So, with these options in mind, you can now think about what your plan of action is. If you take the snooping route, be careful and mindful of what you’re doing.
But what happens if you do come across proof that your BF is texting another woman?
Your boyfriend is texting someone else, what now?
Understandably, you’re upset.
You’ve found the evidence and it’s clear your man has been deceiving you. Your suspicions were right (you’ve got to love the accuracy of gut instinct).
But, first things first:
Don’t make any rash decisions
I get it, all sorts of crazy thoughts are running through your mind.
When that girl messaged my ex that morning, I could’ve grabbed his phone and thrown it out of the window (luckily for my broke university self, I didn’t).
But it’s important not to panic. Take a deep breath and calm down.
What do you want to happen going forward?
How bad are the texts? Is your man in a full-on relationship with someone else?
Has he just been casually texting someone who he’s never even met?
Either way, it’s understandable for you to be upset. There’s no excuse for it and he certainly wouldn’t be happy if it was happening the other way around.
But before blowing up and unleashing your fury on him, it’s good to consider all these questions.
Especially if the situation isn’t that bad and you want to try and get over it.
And that leads on to the hard part:
In an ideal world, you’d sit him down and calmly explain what you’ve found.
In the real world, adrenaline, hormones, anger, and everything else will take over and you’ll probably shout at him the moment he walks through the door.
Whichever approach you take, remember that you need to get answers.
The texts will have only given you so much information, the rest will have to come from him. So, take the route which will be more successful in terms of getting the truth.
A great way to approach this is by stating how this whole situation makes you feel. If you launch an attack on him and accuse him directly, he’ll probably go on the defensive (making it much harder to get him to talk).
Use lots of “I” statements (“I feel extremely hurt by seeing these texts”) instead of starting with “You’ve been ….”.
And an important point to consider:
If you’re not sure about the nature of the texts, definitely don’t accuse him of cheating.
They might be quite ambiguous or you might just be suspicious because it’s a girl’s name you’ve never heard him mention before.
If it truly is just an old friend who he forgot to tell you about, you don’t want to make the situation worse by calling him a cheater.
In this case, just be honest with him.
Explain that you’ve been feeling disconnected from him lately, him constantly being on his phone hasn’t helped, and is there a reason why he’s texting so much?
Hopefully, he’ll explain the situation himself and you can avoid ruining the relationship over nothing.
But if the proof is in the pudding and there’s no denying he’s texting someone else, you’ve got two options…
Decide if you want to work through it or move on
Here’s the thing, he might have made the biggest mistake of his life, he’s now regretting it and he’ll do anything to have you back.
If you believe it’s worth giving him another shot, that’s your call. Maybe you have a lot invested in this relationship or you truly believe he’ll change his ways.
After all, people do mess up and it’d be a cruel world without second chances.
If you do want to make it work:
Cheating is a sign that something isn’t right in your relationship. Together you need to find out the problem, work on it, and rebuild the trust in your relationship.
Many couples find that therapy helps, so that might be an option you want to consider.
But, on the other hand, you might want to dump him instantly and get it over and done with.
This ultimately comes down to you and whether or not you can forgive him for texting another woman (or even multiple women in some cases).
After all, there’s no trust in your relationship anymore, he’s comfortable lying to you and you deserve to be with someone who respects you.
But even worse:
You might find that he’s not bothered that you found out. He’s lost interest in the relationship and doesn’t care.
If this happens, don’t even think twice about putting an end to your relationship.
It’s clear that he doesn’t respect you and he doesn’t even have the decency to appear sorry for his deceitful, unfaithful behavior.
The bottom line
It’s natural to have doubts from time to time, especially if your boyfriend suddenly starts spending a lot of time on his phone.
If you’re certain that he’s up to no good and you decide to take measures, be prepared for what you might find.
And if it transpires he’s cheating on you?
Well, hopefully now you know your options going forward.
The truth is, finding out your BF is texting someone else will hurt like hell, but the sooner you confront him and move on (or work on your relationship together) the better.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
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