What to do when your ex apologizes
When your ex apologizes, maybe the flood of emotions will make you feel confused, hurt or let down. Or maybe you ‘ll feel happy, relieved or flattered.
But even if you’re in a low mood, do not let your ex see that or things could get worse. That’s why it’s important to have a strategy for what to say or do when your ex apologizes.
To help you out, here are 12 things to do after an apology from your ex.
1) Find the reason for his or her mistake
No mistake does not stem from a specific cause. The first thing you should ask is asking a why question.
So the question to ask them is why did that happen? It can help you find out whether they have learned from the mistakes and will not repeat them and whether you can accept that reason or not.
Everyone has their own story, even if it’s told in general it will be like other people’s stories or stories you often read online, but all events, memories, stories of two people, only two of you know.
You can feel for what reason they made the mistake, whether it was intentional or unintentional.
For example, if during the time you were together, your partner still treated you well.
One day you find out your partner was cheating on you and the two of you broke up.
Your ex-lover came and said that they felt remorseful, they said the reason was just that they had a temporary interest in that girl and didn’t do anything over the limit.
Is that cause worth your understanding and sympathy?
If your answer is yes then you can choose to forgive them and give them a chance. At the same time, the two of you need to talk to each other and make sure the mistake doesn’t happen again.
If the cause is unacceptable to you, then tell them how you feel, you have the right to forgive or not forgive them.
2) Consider the whole process of the two of you together, don’t just look at the mistakes they make at the moment
Don’t just look at the mistakes that your ex-lover made when you’re talking, looking back over the entire relationship.
You can get a general idea of what kind of person they are following the time you’ve been together, then decide based on your feelings.
Here are some questions you need to answer to figure out whether you should forgive them:
1) During the time you two were together, did they always care about your feelings, or pay attention to your words and always try to make you happy?
2) How often did they repeat the same mistake? Or was it the first time they made a mistake?
Imagine for a moment:
You see that they treated you well and this was the first time your ex made you unhappy or if you think your ex can become a better person and they are willing to change, then forgiveness is possible.
Explain to them what the relationship looks like now. If you two met, fell in love, and shared your whole lives, like this is just a small problem that led to bigger problems, then you can forgive them.
Sometimes when two of you are together, you also hurt your partner, but your partner still tolerates and forgives you.
Take my story for example, when we were dating, I used to want to break up every time we had an argument.
This made my boyfriend uncomfortable and insecure with our relationship.
That’s why he was attracted to other girls and that led to him cheating on me
3) Assess the severity of the mistake
After knowing the cause, think of the severity of the mistake. Whatever type of mistake your ex made, will affect your life in several ways.
Was it just something small or was it huge?
If the issue was just a small issue and they apologize for it, it does not mean that they won’t repeat the same mistake or make the same mistake with another issue.
If you find out there is no other problem to be solved but this one, then you can consider forgiveness.
But here’s the thing:
If the mistake is something severe, it is highly recommended to be cautious when forgiving them.
If a mistake is easy to fix but your ex does not want to fix it, then forget about fixing it and move on with your life.
In my story, my boyfriend cheated on me twice and the hurt he caused me haunts me for the next 2 years. So during these 2 years, there was no way I could forgive him.
His betrayal made it difficult for me to trust others and this greatly affected me when building relationships with other people.
After being cheated on, it took me a long time to heal the pain. I’ve learnt that I should focus on developing your inner relationship before having good relationships with others.
I learnt about this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. In his excellent, free video on cultivating healthy relationships, Rudá reveals where most of us go wrong in our relationships.
So why should you listen to Rudá’s life-changing advice?
Well, he uses techniques derived from ancient shamanic teachings, but he puts his own modern-day twist on them. He may be a shaman, but he’s made the same mistakes in love that you and I have.
And now he’s found the solution, he wants to share it with you.
So if you’re done with feeling less than worthy, if you’re tired of toxic relationships, and you want to cultivate real, genuine love, check out his simple yet effective advice.
4) Why does your ex apologize?
They might not be able to say why, but by making an apology, you should look for a reason for that.
They might need something from you, such as a second chance.
Or they apologize to you because they feel guilty and want to receive forgiveness from you so that you two can continue to be friends.
If they are not likely to do anything more than apologize and move on, then your job is simply to forgive them and become friends with them.
On the other hand…
If they don’t know why they shouldn’t even bother, or if they are only apologizing because you want them to, then you shouldn’t accept their apology.
5) Consider the time of the apology
There are some questions you need to answer about when your ex is apologizing
- Are you going different ways now?
If their apologies come up just when you are going different ways, you need to consider whether they will still want to change and what their plans are.
While It is impossible to believe that your ex will change overnight, it’s also hard for you to give them a chance when you’ve been apart for so long and you’ve gone your separate ways.
- Is it too late to apologize?
In my experience, there are some kinds of mistakes that the sooner your ex-lover apologizes, the more likely it is that they have truly changed. If they apologize after a long time, then there is a greater chance of making the same mistakes again.
Let’s say you were together for a year and then broke up. You find out later that your ex cheated on you.
They come and tell you that they feel very bad about what they have done and the two of you can be together again.
The chances of the trick being repeated again become higher than if you get together and they apologize to you immediately after breaking up.
But if they only apologize after a couple of days and do not even take their time to think about what happened, then they will probably do it again when the time comes.
6) What kind of people are you?
Think carefully about your personality.
At the point where your ex is apologizing, you will probably accept their mistake because you still love them very much. But are you sure that the hurt they caused won’t haunt you in the future?
Here’s the thing:
If you are a sensitive person or think about the past, you may find it difficult to put this story behind you and restart your relationship with your ex.
When there is a conflict between the two of you, you might think about the mistakes they made in the past and feel miserable.
This will make the relationship between the two of you become more strained.
But if you feel like it’s entirely possible for you not to let your past mistakes affect you in the future, then you can continue to move forward with your relationships.
When you are more rational, you will be able to consider the point of view that this is just one of the mistakes they have made during your relationship and forgive them.
7) Take the time to listen and understand your desires
Do not rush into it. Always take your time to think about their apology, what you want and what they offer.
You need to be clear or you might be regretful later on and feel like you should have waited longer.
So don’t just accept their apology right away, but always let yourself think before making a decision.
Your ex may have a point, but you have to listen carefully and consider what is best for you.
You have to make your decision based on what’s right for you, so don’t be swayed by what other people think or say.
Meditation and journaling are great ways to better understand your desires.
Sometimes when you decide to forgive them, a voice inside you tells you that it is a bad idea and that this is the same mistake your ex will do again and again. If this happens, then it’s okay to rethink your decision.
Do you want to forgive them and continue to be friends or do you forgive and get back with them?
What if they apologize to get comfortable and want to continue being friends with you while you want to get back together with them?
You can’t directly tell them you want to continue dating him, you have to make him want to continue the relationship with you.
To do this, you only need to change the emotions he associates with you and make him picture what a brand new relationship with you would look like.
In his excellent short video, James Bauer gives you a step-by-step method for women who want to change the way their ex feels about them. He reveals the texts you can send and things you can say that will trigger deep feelings inside him.
Because once you paint a new picture about what your life together could be like, you could end up creating the relationship you’ve always dreamt of.
8) Consult others
You should talk to people who have been in a similar situation. Don’t get me wrong, consulting doesn’t mean you have to follow other people’s opinions.
If you have mutual friends between you and your ex, sometimes they will give you other perspectives on your partner that you don’t know yet, they can keep their secrets and this might be the right time for them to reveal to you.
Why do I say that?
Sometimes there are things your partner can only share with friends but not with you. For example, they sacrificed some habits or fun with friends for you.
Such things their friends will know better than your own.
If you’re still unsure of your decision and want to discuss the matter with others, your own friends might be the best people to talk to.
The truth is, they are the people who understand you, will be able to know what you want without even realizing it yourself
Tell them what happened, what you feel, and how you think about it. Let them know if your ex has changed or not. They can give you helpful advice or help you think more clearly.
9) See the way they apologize to you
If your ex apologized to you and you felt that they were sincere, then you should accept their apology.
From their words and actions, see whether they really care about you or just want to move on.
However, if your ex apologizes for something that is not necessary to apologize for, or does it in some sort of a trick to get sympathy from the person who is being wronged, then it’s not likely that their apology will be accepted.
If they only apologized out of habit or did it because they think that they should do so, do not give them any more attention.
You should think about what commitment you have from your ex to redeem this mistake.
How serious are they with their mistakes after they’ve apologized? If they are willing to make a real effort to redeem themselves, then they are indeed remorseful.
The bottom line is:
It is up to you whether you believe that they still have room for improvement, but if they seem devoted enough, you can accept their apology and forgive them.
Or, if they have not lived up to their promise to redeem themselves, you should not forgive them.
10) Understanding forgiveness
Forgiveness is not accepting, forgiving, or forgetting something. Forgiveness means to let go! Letting go of hatred. What the two of you are doing means that your issues are completely settled and you can move on.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you condone what happened or that you’re okay with it, it means that you have let go of the problem and are free from its influence. So you can now focus on how to live your life, instead of how to cope with the problems.
Forgiveness is not based on whether or not you think they’ve learned their lesson. It’s not based on whether or not they understand your feelings or whether it was their fault or wrongdoing.
You cannot forgive someone if you find a certain reason that they made a mistake.
When you really understand what forgiveness means, you’ll know whether you can truly forgive your ex’s mistake or if you’re accepting it for some reason.
This is extremely important for your future because it will determine whether your life in the future will be disturbed by past traumas or not.
11) Observe their changes
What has changed? Just because they apologized doesn’t mean it’s forever over. If your ex’s actions were really wrong, then they should be willing to make changes instead of making promises and apologies.
If you know your ex broke up with you because of their mistake, it doesn’t mean that they don’t want to change.
But many people are not willing to change after a breakup. They think that if they apologize, the problems that they caused can be settled, so why should they have to change?
If your ex said they will try their best to avoid repeating the mistake, then you should observe the changes for some time and see if their efforts are sincere or not.
However, if they said that they will keep changing as a person but you do not see any change yet, then you have to decide whether to continue the relationship.
Even if they won’t change because they think they can settle it by showing their sincerity, at least let them know how you feel about it. Tell them what you expect them to do to make you feel comfortable.
After all, love is a combination of feelings and actions. Take time to interact with them.
Find out their real intentions through their actions and words. Don’t get tied down by your past memories, take time to know them better and decide whether to give them another chance or not.
12) Don’t accept too early
Don’t accept their apologies too early, you have to wait and see if they will actually follow what they had promised to do.
When you don’t have enough time to think about whether it’s right to forgive them, then you might make a hasty decision and not give them a chance.
Anyway, let yourself find what to do when your ex apologizes. This issue shouldn’t be resolved immediately, you should think about it first and go from there.
If you still decide to forgive your ex, then it’s a good chance for the two of you to make up and see if things can work out again. If you still don’t feel like forgiving them, then be honest with yourself, they are not worth all the effort and time.
If your ex apologizes, but only for a day, then it’s not enough time to make a decision. In most cases, people tend to persuade themselves and accept too soon.
You can also tell them that you are willing to give it another try, but at the same time do not expect too much and do not rush into it.
I hope that these tips will help you to find out what to do when facing your situation.
I don’t think we will have definitive answers to that question anytime soon, but it may help us to consider all the perspectives before making a decision.
It’s your story and only you can understand it. At the same time, it is important that you have a goal for yourself in mind.
Love makes people blind, sometimes.
This is the most important thing that we need to learn from all these experiences we have. We need to learn how to take care of our emotions and make decisions wisely, especially when it comes to relationships.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
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