9 ways to break up with your boyfriend without crushing him

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Any kind of breakup can result in heartache for at least one person. Especially if you really loved your partner before ending your relationship.

But is there a way for you to break up with your boyfriend without crushing him?

The quick answer: Yes!

There is a difference between heartache and crushing pain. And as much as possible, we’d like to stay away from the latter.

So if you want to know how you can break the news to your boyfriend the kindest way possible, keep reading!

Because in this article, we’ll discuss 9 ways you can do this.

1) Do it in person

There is nothing more crushing than having a breakup over the phone or via text.

So, if you want to give your boyfriend some respect, dignity, and a chance to react to the breakup, tell him in person.

Doing this will give him room to process his emotions. And by doing so, you are already helping him through the process of healing.

Because the words came from your own mouth.

If distance and circumstances don’t permit you to talk in person, you can do so through a video call.

Just make sure you can see each other. That way, he can understand you better through your actions and non-verbal cues.

2) Be sure about your decision

Here’s the thing: Whether we’re aware of it or not, many of us use the threat of breaking up as a strategy to get what we want. 

So let’s get some things straight:

First, a breakup is not a threat. You don’t use the end of your commitment in order to keep your partner in order.

It doesn’t matter what your boyfriend did. There are other ways to demand respect without using breaking up as a threat.

Secondly, a breakup is not an expression of frustration.

A lot of us break up with our partners when we feel like exploding. Then we get back together once we calm down.

Remember: Breaking up with someone can break our hearts as much as our partner’s.

It symbolizes the end of a relationship. It’s severing a deep connection.

There are ways to demand healthy space without having to break up.

All of this to say – You have to be firm in your decision.

A breakup, when done incorrectly, can negatively impact your and your boyfriend’s well-being. It can even result in trauma!

3) Practice what you’re going to say

Once you’re sure, the next thing to do is to communicate it to him.

But you can’t do that without first knowing what to say.

It is highly possible that your boyfriend will ask the reason behind the breakup. And you have to be ready for that.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Once you’re decided on the breakup, there really is no need to provide any explanation.

So why should you still prepare one?

Well, because it’s kinder. If you were on the other side of the breakup, you’d also want to know why, right?

It doesn’t have to be an elaborate explanation. It can be as simple as the two of you becoming completely different people. Or maybe your visions for the future clash with each other. Or maybe you just don’t feel happy with him anymore.

Communicating these will leave your boyfriend with a sense of clarity. And you do owe him that.

4) Find the right timing

Timing is everything. Knowing when to break the news is crucial if you want to minimize the pain.

You can’t just blurt out about wanting a breakup while your boyfriend is down on his luck. Some situations include getting laid off from work, the death of a relative, or being in the middle of an internal crisis.

One thing to remember, though, is that these situations are just things you should consider.

They should not stop you from calling things off if that’s really what you need right now.

When it comes to bad news, the truth is: There is no good time to tell it.

Each time bad news is given, it will definitely create a negative emotion in the receiver. And that is normal. It just tells us that we value the thing we have lost or are about to lose.

In finding the right timing, let me tell you: You will never feel what the “perfect” time is.

The best you can do is find a sweet spot between two things– what your boyfriend is going through and what you need without compromising too much.

5) Be as clear as you can about what you want

A big mistake people make when breaking up with someone? They use euphemisms too much.

They try to soften the blow as much as they can. So they use words or phrases that beat around the bush.

They offer layers upon layers of disclaimers. Things like, “You’re a very nice guy, and these past few months have been the best time I’ve ever had…”

And they would go on and on that the main point of their speech gets lost in all the fluff.

This isn’t polite or diplomatic.

Instead, it sends your boyfriend mixed signals.

Even worse, packaging things this way only adds to the anxiety of the situation. For both of you.

If your boyfriend is a good, sensible person, he will have no problem taking your words for what they are.

You can tell him outright that you want to break up.

At first, of course, he’ll be heartbroken. But eventually, he’ll appreciate your honesty.

And if you want to keep a civil friendship between the two of you, that is what you should aim for.

6) Value a kind truth more than brutal honesty

Now when talking honestly, a lot of people would tell you to, “Just be brutally honest.”

But the thing is: Honesty does not necessarily need to be brutal.

It can be kind, gentle, and caring.

It’s the difference between “I want to end things because I’m bored with you” and “I just think we’re heading in different directions.”

Being clear and direct is commendable. But even in breakups, you should still choose to communicate with love.

7) Don’t assign blame

This is a big mistake people make when breaking up with someone.

In order to plead their case, they list down a hundred items of blame toward their partner.

Now I’d personally say this is okay if your boyfriend is a narcissistic prick.

But if he’s not, then assigning blame to him should not be the last thing he hears from you.

If you want to maintain a healthy level of respect between you and your boyfriend, just tell him the simplest truth.

You don’t have to list down his shortcomings anymore, because for sure you have your own, too!

Maybe it just so happened that both of you have grown tired of solving those issues with each other. And now you need time to figure things out by yourselves.

It can be as easy as that.

8) Don’t offer false promises

Another thing to keep in mind? When you break up with someone, never offer false promises.

False promises are statements that string people along… even when there’s no chance you will get back together.

When you tell your boyfriend false promises, you are opening a window despite closing your doors.

And that is dangerous and cruel.

Because you are giving him a semblance of hope that doesn’t exist.

The only reason for anyone to do that is if they enjoy toying with other people’s emotions.

And I’m sure this is someone you don’t want to be.

9) Be comfortable with discomfort

Something we don’t realize when breaking up with someone is this: We run away from discomfort. And hey, breaking up is really uncomfortable!

This is why many of us get stuck in unhappy relationships.

Do you know someone who’s like this? You see that there’s no joy in their eyes anymore, but they don’t break up with their boyfriend because “He’s a really nice guy” or “He loves me.”

But you just know they don’t feel that love for their boyfriend anymore.

This is also the case with people who offer false promises or try to immediately be friends with their exes. They can’t bear the discomfort of hurting someone and of being alone.

But one thing we should remember is: positive change often comes with a certain level of discomfort.

I know hurting someone by breaking up with them may seem cruel and insensitive. But staying with them even when you’re unhappy is much, much worse.

You’re basically treating your boyfriend like a charity case. And that’s just sad. When your boyfriend learns about this, it will definitely crush him more than your honesty.

So be okay with feeling uncomfortable. Remember, there’s a reason why you want your relationship to end.

No matter the reason, it’s valid. And it’s worth the sting.

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

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