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Whether you’ve been together for years or you’re still in the early days of your marriage, your husband losing interest can be downright painful and confusing for you.
Long gone are the days when he couldn’t keep his hands off you or you’d blush with his constant compliments.
It’s easy at this point to blame yourself and assume that you need to up your A-game and look phenomenal at all times – but this isn’t realistic.
What does work though is implementing a concept called the hero instinct, but we’ll look at how that can change your marriage later.
First, let’s cover those all-important, concerning signs that your husband isn’t attracted to you – and how to tell the difference between life getting in the way and losing the attraction completely.
The difference between just being “busy” and losing complete attraction
Here’s the thing:
It’s not realistic to think that the spark and attraction you had when you first got married will continue forever.
And throughout the marriage, life will get in the way, from work to kids to naturally growing older.
It’s a beautiful process, but of course, that passion you once had might dip along the way (and then pick back up) if you’re both willing to work at it.
But how can you tell whether he’s just bogged down with life, or whether he genuinely doesn’t find you hot anymore?
The key essentially lies in how much of an effort he makes with you.
Let me explain:
If he’s just extremely tired every night after work, on the weekends he’ll still pay attention to you or try to initiate sex.
If the kids are a major distraction from your sex life (and it can happen, especially if little ones insist on sleeping with you guys) he’ll probably jump at the chance of hiring a babysitter for a night to have some alone time with you.
But…
If your husband has little interest in trying to find ways to be together or never pays attention to you, even on his days off or when the kids are with the grandparents, it’s a troubling sign.
You see, men are visual beings.
When they like what they see, they want it as much as possible…and once they lose that visual stimulation, it can make them lose interest and act distant.
So what makes a man lose attraction?
The main causes are:
- The relationship feels too comfortable and routine-like
- The initial lust and passion has died down
- He’s stressed with life and struggles to pay attention to you
Now, I hear you, ladies, it doesn’t seem fair.
You’ve invested in this relationship, and you’ve chosen to love him and be attracted to him even when he doesn’t look his best.
Why can’t he do the same?
Well, a lot can be explained by understanding how men work, what their triggers are, and how they are biologically wired – everything that’s covered in the hero instinct.
But before we get to that, let’s cover the signs first so that you know for sure if his attraction to you has dipped.
Signs your husband has lost attraction to you
1) Sex life? What sex life?
Remember the good old days where he couldn’t wait to rip off your clothes?
Well, that might seem like a distant dream now.
Not only does he avoid having sex, when you do manage to talk him into it he’ll rush through it with very little passion.
Sex is one of the biggest indicators that he’s lost interest in you, but having a low sex libido can also be caused by other reasons, so it’s important not to jump to conclusions straight away.
What can you do about it?
- Try to reignite the fire by introducing toys or props into your sex life
- Invest in some sexy lingerie
- Instead of scheduling sex, try to make it as spontaneous as possible and explore areas outside of the bedroom
2) He treats you like one of the boys
At first, you probably liked it because he would joke with you, have playful banter, and treat you like his homie.
But as time goes on, it starts to become obvious that he sees you as a friend more than a partner.
Even if there’s still a lot of love there, if he isn’t attracted to you he’ll continue to act like you’re nothing more than glorified friends who happen to be married.
So why might he act like this?
Well, he loves you and he enjoys your company, but the spark has gone.
Whether he feels you’ve let yourself go appearance-wise, or you’ve just been together for a long time, something has shifted in his perception of you.
What can you do about it?
- Avoid being “too pally” with your husband – of course, every marriage is based on friendship but you have to remind him you’re also his life partner
- Encourage alone time together, consider reliving your first dates
- Talk to your husband about this issue – he might not realize how you feel
3) Your interactions feel like a routine
Do you ever feel like you’re both just going through the motions?
Sex is robotic
Conversations are always about the same boring daily things.
Even the restaurant you go to for date night has been the same for the last two years.
If you feel like you try to spice things up and introduce new experiences into the mix but your husband doesn’t want to, it’s another sign that he’s losing attraction to you.
He’s doing the bare minimum and he doesn’t feel the need to put more effort into your relationship.
Why?
Because without the attraction, he’s lost that fire and enthusiasm – all those exhilarating and fun things you used to do aren’t his priority anymore.
What can you do about it?
- You don’t want to force him into anything, but gently introducing some new date night ideas or conversation into the mix can help
- Keep working on yourself – the more you invest into yourself the more interesting you’ll seem to him
- Come up with ideas together of ways to bring back the spark (even if it puts you both out of your comfort zones)
4) He seems uninterested in you
Does he roll his eyes whenever you try to talk to him?
Maybe he’s stopped asking how your day is and pays very little attention to what you have to say.
Either way, there’s a fine line between losing the attraction to someone and being outright rude.
Even without a strong physical attraction, if there’s still love there he shouldn’t ignore you or dismiss the things you care about.
But unfortunately, for some men, it’s all about the attraction, and without it, they simply can’t invest the same levels of interest.
What can you do about it?
- Be upfront with your husband – as I said there’s no excuse for rudeness
- Have an honest conversation as there could be other things on his mind
- Give him a taste of his own medicine (followed by a productive conversation) to highlight how he makes you feel
5) You seem to fight more
In even the most ideal marriage, fights are going to happen.
But why do they happen more when one person seems to lose attraction?
A lot boils down to the fact that your husband might feel frustrated.
On one hand, he loves you and cares for you, but on the other, he doesn’t feel attracted to you in the same way he once did.
The chances are:
He probably doesn’t even know what’s changed either. All he knows is that things aren’t the way they used to be, and this causes him (and you) to become more irritable with each other.
What can you do about it?
- Communicate, communicate, communicate (it is the only way you’ll get to the bottom of his lack of attraction)
- Seek the help of a marriage counselor – they can help explain the underlying issues in your marriage
6) He comments on your appearance
As women, we’re aware when we’ve let ourselves go a little.
We know when we put an effort into our appearance and when we get “comfy” around our partner.
And ladies – I’m all for being comfortable and natural in marriage – after all, he should love you for you more than for what you look like.
But what happens when he makes a point of nitpicking at your appearance?
Firstly, it can be hurtful.
I remember an ex mocking me for having spotty skin (basically adult acne, through no fault of my own) yet he was ruthless with his words.
Even though it was years ago, I still feel the sting and shock at being criticized for my appearance.
So, I can completely understand if your husband has made remarks, maybe if your body has changed after having a baby or you’ve naturally put on/lost weight.
But one thing I will say – don’t accept degrading comments from anyone, even from your husband.
Our appearances change all the time, some days we look better and others less so, but your worth shouldn’t be judged based on how you look.
What can you do about it?
- Stand up for yourself – be comfortable and confident in your skin
- Explain how he makes you feel when he comments on your body
- There’s also no harm in making an effort with your appearance from time to time (when it suits you)
- Call him out on it – especially if he also has stopped investing in his appearance two – it’s not a one-way street
7) You notice him checking out other girls
Checking out other girls can be pretty annoying, especially if your husband isn’t very discreet about it.
But, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s going to cheat on you.
Maybe there’s a certain look that turns him on and he’s more prone to staring – or he wishes you’d dress/wear your hair that way.
And that’s not completely unreasonable.
I love my partner yet when he grows his hair and beard out I think he looks like a crazy scientist and I start dropping hints about going to the barbers (in a loving way, of course).
We all have our tastes and likes, and he might be commenting or staring at other women to hint to you that he wants you to make more of an effort.
What can you do about it?
- Be clear with him if all the staring is making you uncomfortable (he wouldn’t like it if the tables turned and you were checking out other guys)
- If you know that there’s a particular style or look that he loves on you, wear it more often if possible
8) He acts as if he knows you inside out
And once he thinks he’s got you all sussed out, you’re no longer interesting or mysterious to him.
It’s a natural progression in a relationship, you start finishing each other’s sentences and you know instantly from their facial expressions how they feel.
But the downside?
It can make you seem predictable and even boring (to him).
Guys love the chase, even if you’ve been together for years, he’ll miss the challenge of working out how/what you feel or think.
Without this, he’ll probably have little patience for you and won’t even bother to ask your opinion since he thinks he knows it all anyway – all of this is a sign the initial attraction has faded.
What can you do about it?
- Surprise him – bring up a controversial topic and give your opinion on something that isn’t predictable or “the same old”
- Educate yourself on new topics, he’ll find you more intriguing
- Avoid yapping to him about everything you think or feel – this will inject some mystery into your relationship
9) You’re always the first one to make a move
Do you feel like you’re always the one kissing him or suggesting to go out?
When it comes to sex, do you have to convince him?
Maybe all those special things you used to do for each other have dried up, and you feel like you’re the only one who makes an effort now.
Being the first one to always make the moves indicates that his loss of attraction means he’s his enthusiasm towards the relationship has also dwindled.
But it doesn’t mean that all is lost…
What can you do about it?
There’s only one thing to do here – talk about it. Understand how you both feel and work out a way to move forward together
10) He’s distracted when you’re together
Do you find that your husband constantly stares at his phone when you’re together?
Or maybe halfway through your conversation he zones out or interrupts you?
Being distracted is another common sign that his attraction to you is dwindling, and as heartbreaking and frustrating as it can be to feel this distance, he might not even be aware of it.
What can you do about it?
- First, work out whether he’s got a lot on his plate (it could be work or stress getting in the way)
- If that’s not the case, you need to get to the root of the problem – is it your appearance or has his interest in the whole relationship dried up?
- Talk to him about these issues and explain that he’s not investing enough in the relationship
11) He starts playing the blame game
How many times have couples played the blame game only to realize it doesn’t get them anywhere?
But it’s a common tactic to use when you’re trying to deflect responsibility and if he’s lost interest, it could be his way of masking his guilt about this.
So, somehow, you’ll be at fault for everything.
Even ridiculous things like the fact that it’s raining outside will somehow be your doing.
All this highlights that there’s a bigger problem here – and you need to get to the bottom of it.
What can you do about it?
- Don’t give in when he tries to start the blame game – it’s not productive or fair
- Learn how to communicate better with each other so arguments can be resolved without blame
- Relationship therapy might help uncover the real issues in your marriage
12) He goes out…a lot.
Now, that’s not to say your husband can’t have a life of his own, to meet with friends, or practice his hobbies or passions.
But as his partner, you’ll know if his routine changes and he starts going out more and coming home later and later each time.
Is he cheating?
It’s a possibility.
But also – it could be his way of avoiding you.
By staying out all the time, he doesn’t have to confront the elephant in the room – which is his lack of attraction to you.
It’s a common avoidance technique, but it doesn’t lead to any healthy resolutions and all it does is raise suspicion on your part.
What can you do about it?
- Ask your partner if they’re genuinely busy or just avoiding spending time with you
- Let them know that you’re willing to work through your issues together rather than separately
13) He doesn’t miss you anymore
Remember the days when even just a few hours apart felt like an eternity?
Well, it’s natural if that isn’t the case a few years in – but there should still always be an element of missing your partner if they go away for a few days.
If he never messages expressing how much he can’t wait to see you, or if your absence makes him happy – something is up.
Let’s face it, it takes less than 30 seconds to text someone that you miss them.
And even worse?
When you get home, if he doesn’t rush to spend time with you and hear all about your adventures, It’s a pretty obvious sign that he’s not attracted to you anymore.
What can you do about it?
- Don’t stop expressing how much you’ve missed him – make him feel loved and wanted and he might start doing the same in return
- Bring up the issue – it could be that he does miss you but he also needs some alone time every and now and then to focus on his work or goals
14) He never compliments you anymore
In the beginning, he couldn’t get enough of you, even first thing in the morning when you emerged from the bed looking like a yeti, he found you irresistible.
But now, even when you make an effort he doesn’t acknowledge it or compliment you.
What changed?
For one thing, his attraction to you.
Even if you still dress the way he used to like or wear your hair in the style that used to turn him on, if he’s lost attraction to you, he won’t even notice the effort you make.
What can you do about it?
- Compliment him – maybe he needs to hear it to remind him to dish it out a bit more
- The few times he does mention your appearance, don’t brush it off, show him that you appreciate his attention
- Ask him what’s changed and whether there are any other issues to be concerned about
15) You can just feel that something isn’t right
And ultimately, you’ll have a gut feeling that your husband isn’t attracted to you anymore.
Our intuition, that feeling of just knowing, that something has changed is the most accurate tool you can use to work out if your husband isn’t attracted to you anymore.
You know him better than anyone else, and for sure the way he’s been acting will have made you feel self-conscious and sad.
It’s not a pleasant situation or anyone to experience.
But, attraction can be lost for several reasons, and there’s always the possibility that he’s going through some personal issues which are making the situation seem worse.
What can you do about it?
- Approach him on the subject and see how he reacts
- If he covers it up but your gut feeling still tells you he’s not attracted anymore, it might be worth exploring therapy to work through it
- Keep practicing self-love and remind yourself that you don’t need his validation to feel beautiful
But even with all these tips in mind, there’s still one important thing you can do to turn things around…
So, how can you make him attracted to you again?
Right, you now know the signs that he isn’t attracted to you anymore, but what can you do about it?
As I mentioned at the start, the hero instinct is a concept that is teaching women how men think and feel, and function in relationships.
And once you’ve got this under your belt, you can make your man completely obsessed with you again.
I’m talking about how it used to be when you first met when he found every inch of you gorgeous and even a long day at work wouldn’t stop him from giving you his undivided attention.
So what is the hero instinct?
It’s essentially the basic, innate drivers that men seek from relationships.
And it isn’t all about sex or physical appearance (shocking, I know).
The hero instinct was first coined by psychologist James Bauer – he explains the concept in detail in his book “His Secret Obsession”.
So what is it that men want from a relationship?
In essence, these three things:
- To provide and protect the people he loves
- To feel wanted, needed, and appreciated
- To be respected in life
The truth is, don’t we all want those things?
Yes – but men and women are wired differently.
For men, it has a pretty special effect on how they view you if all those needs are met.
You’ll become irresistible just by letting them in and giving them a purpose in their life.
And it comes at no cost to you – the hero instinct isn’t about giving up your power or acting weak to boost his ego.
Simply things can activate it, such as:
- Cheering him in his successes
- Letting him help you with things around the house
- Supporting him in his passions
- Expressing your appreciation for him
Just by implementing these steps, your distant, cold husband will feel revived again and he’ll see you with new enthusiasm and passion.
Why?
Because you’ve triggered the hero instinct in him, and ultimately, all men want to feel like the hero of their life.
I’ve put this concept to good use with my partner and the change was almost instant – he still treats me like he did when we first met and I enjoy him helping me out from time to time.
So if you feel that your husband has completely lost attraction, try the tips I mentioned above but don’t forget that the hero instinct could make a huge difference to his desire towards you.
To learn more about the hero instinct, check out this free video that explains everything you need to know about getting your man interested again.
Final thoughts
There’s plenty of advice out there that will tell you to change your appearance or work harder to get the attention of your husband.
I’m not going to encourage that, because I think that if he fell in love with you for your personality, that should overrule all.
And, natural changes such as childbirth or getting old should be celebrated – cellulite and stretch marks included.
So if your husband makes you feel bad over things that aren’t in your control, it’s worth seeking therapy and helping him to realize that your worth isn’t just based on your beauty.
But, on the other hand, I’m also not opposed to keeping the spark going and making an effort from time to time.
That doesn’t mean waking up an hour early to doll up before his alarm goes off, but taking care of yourself and looking your best when you have time could go spark his interest again.
The bottom line is:
A relationship is built on more than just the physical attraction, and although it does play a huge part in keeping the flame going, there has to be more than just the superficial to make your relationship work.
Be honest with your husband and if he has any respect for you, you’ll be able to work together to find out the root cause of why he’s not attracted to you – and what you can both do about it.
