Finding out your partner has cheated is a traumatic and life-wrecking experience.
It guts you at your most primal level and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Except maybe him…Cory. That’s my ex-husband of 11 years. Things didn’t go so well with Cory, although that’s an understatement.
I’d never thought much about the possibility he was having an affair. When I found out the shit really hit the fan.
What made it 100 times worse was that Cory wasn’t just sticking his dick into another woman:
He was in love with her.
How to tell if your husband is in love with another woman
If your husband is cheating, you’re feeling terrible and thinking about the future of your marriage. It’s a place none of us want to be, and a place I hope to never be in again.
But if you are reading this and worried sick about how he feels for another woman then I’m here for you.
There are lots of articles and tips out there for how to tell if your husband is having an affair, and that’s definitely important to know. But figuring out if he’s actually in love with another woman is an entirely different league of severity.
I’m not just going to tell you if he’s running around on you, I’m going to tell you what the hell is going on with his affair.
I’ve made this guide of 28 tips for how to tell if your husband is in love with another woman.
1) She’s on the tip of his tongue
If your husband has a new woman in his life that he talks about a lot you should take notice.
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Maybe she really is “just a friend,” but maybe he’s also bonking her on his lunch break and falling in love with her.
If he talks about her frequently there’s only one reason:
She’s on his mind frequently. At the very least he cares about her significantly, even if it’s non-romantic.
And if he is cheating then talking about her a lot is a sign that he’s falling for her.
2) He hoards his phone like gold
When Cory was cheating on me, he’d hover over his phone like crazy and never let me even walk within five feet of it.
He’d tell me he was just stressed about work stuff when I asked what was going on, but when our eyes locked and his jumped down to his phone it was pretty obvious he felt guilty about something.
“Your partner is constantly sending messages. The phone is always angled away from you. They are constantly scrambling to keep the phone within reach.
When bedtime rolls around, they don’t put their phone on the nightstand anymore – it’s always tucked under the pillow. This is a common red flag.”
When your husband hoards his phone like gold and tries to hide it from you there’s a good chance he’s up to something, including possibly cheating, and he’d rather talk to her than you.
3) He’s more jealous of you than before
If your husband is cheating on you then the assumption is that you’re going to get jealous and possessive in response. But in fact, it’s usually the opposite that happens.
He may start engaging in what Sigmund Freud called projection, becoming jealous of everything you do and your actions.
This is classic overcompensation on his part and a lame attempt to get rid of the internal guilt he feels at being attracted to another woman who’s not his wife.
4) He’s drifting away from you
Love isn’t always on fire all the time but when it’s happening with someone else, you will take note of a big downturn in his attention and affection.
Things just won’t be like they used to be and he may often seem preoccupied, exhausted, or annoyed with you.
If you’re wondering “what did I do?” then the answer is likely that it has less to do with you than you think and could have more to do with him falling for another woman.
5) He has a sudden new hobby he never had before
In my Cory situation, the new hobby was “squash.” He bought a racket and some outfits and really seemed to be getting into it.
He came home sweaty and having long showers, so for a while, I thought he really was hitting the courts a few times per week.
He’d never expressed an interest in racket sports before but if he wanted to start a new activity and get more fit, I thought all the power to him.
Maybe he really did go to squash a time or two but when the whole drama came out, it turned out that a rubber ball was far from the only thing he was squashing.
6) She’s his priority, not you
If this woman is his friend or a work colleague you suspect he may be having an affair with, one of the dividing lines between him just wanting her for sex and being in love is that, he makes her a priority.
He’ll mention commitments he has to help her out or issues she’s having. But if you talk about some things that aren’t going great for you, either, he’ll have little interest.
“The truth is, wanting to “feel” like a priority with him isn’t really about the relationship in the first place. It’s about wanting a sense of security. Movies, TV, family, friends, books, magazines — all these things put an idea into your head about how much time you’re “supposed” to be spending with your man.
And if you don’t spend that much time with him? It makes you feel unwanted, unloved, not a priority to him. It makes you feel like your relationship is lacking…”
7) He’s financially secretive
Where there’s a new woman there are expenses. This usually leads to him becoming financially secretive even in tiny ways that could seem unimportant at first.
Hiding a credit card bill, making a weird excuse for why he was low on rent or is hurting for money…things like that.
You’re especially likely to note some irregularities if you share accounts and expenses.
8) He lies about small things constantly
When I wrote about how he covers up tiny financial things and doesn’t explain what’s going on being a sign of cheating, I wasn’t kidding.
It’s a classic indicator of him hiding a relationship with another woman.
If he lies about where he’s been or what’s on his schedule after work those are classic warning signs but even small things like why he showered after work or why he’s not hungry should also pique your suspicion.
9) His expectations of you are through the roof
As well as projecting by being jealous of you, a man who’s falling for another woman can often create crazy high expectations for you.
He does this as a kind of excuse. If you’re not perfect then he’s justified in cheating on you and eventually ditching you for a woman he loves more, right?
Watch out for super exacting expectations from his end that seem to be like some kind of test that was designed for you to fail.
10) He’s touchy and oversensitive
The husband who’s in love with someone else tends to be very touchy and oversensitive. He goes off the edge easily at the slightest thing and seems like he’s super fragile.
The main reason is that he’s internally conflicted.
Unless he’s an all-out sociopath then he’s going through some tough emotions inside and he doesn’t know how to resolve them. That’s why he flies off the handle at the smallest issue that comes up.
11) He is constantly playing defense
When a man has his mind on another woman and he’s developing real feelings for her, he feels on edge.
He knows that it’s even worse than just chasing physical pleasure: it’s not just his body that’s cheating, it’s his heart.
For this reason, he tends to play defense constantly, even when little topics come up like why he’s been distant or what he plans to do next year about the yard.
He’s on edge, defensive, and odd. He’s in love with someone else.
“Relationships are hard, and doubly so when defensive behavior makes it impossible to discuss issues. I’ve published over 80 articles on relationships, four of which were specifically about defensive behavior, and I received a much greater response to those four articles in part because this behavior can be so frustrating and confusing.”
12) He just feels…different somehow
Never doubt the power of intuition.
In my case, I had over a decade with Cory and it wasn’t exactly hard to see the changes in his behavior, schedule, persona, and energy level. His whole attitude to life and toward me shifted dramatically.
I think he knew that I knew, and that’s part of why he stopped trying to hide it. Instead, he just took us all the way into the disaster zone and ended things before I could really wrap my head around what was even going on.
13) He’s got no guy friends
A close friend of mine had her husband of 27 years leave her for another man and come out as gay, so that’s also a possibility.
But assuming your husband is as straight as an arrow then one of the things to watch out for is a lack of guy friends.
The reason this is an issue is twofold:
One is that it means he’s probably a bit lonely in his social life and craving new company. And two is that it shows he’s not spending his time with men.
14) He jokes about threesomes or having an “open relationship”
Your sexual life is your business but if you’ve had a fairly traditional intimate relation with your husband and that suddenly change, you should think about why.
If he’s usually a fairly mashed potatoes kind of guy but he’s suddenly talking about having a threesome or changing things so you have an open relationship there is often a simple reason:
He wants to have his cake (you) and eat it too (the new woman).
15) He’s lackluster about sex with you
If he’s falling for another woman then this includes in the physical department.
As a result, he’s likely to be lackluster about sex with you. He wants it less, he’s less turned on when you have it, he takes longer to climax and he’s just generally … not into it.
This is one of the top signs for how to tell if your husband is in love with another woman for sure.
16) He has many addictions
With one addiction usually come other addictions. That’s because addicts tend to have addictive personalities.
Gambling. Drinking. Drugs. Television. Tobacco. Porn.
These are all examples of addictions your husband may be suffering from. Cody’s drug of choice was straight whiskey.
When you notice his addictive traits, keep in mind that this can extend to the world of him chasing skirts and hearts. He may even be a love addict.
17) He’s all dolled up
Your husband might have always been a sharply dressed man. But if you’re noticing a change and he’s becoming like some Calvin Klein model lately then there are only three options:
He’s doing it for his own self-confidence.
He’s doing it for you.
He’s doing it for another woman.
If it is option three then she’s a hot catch with high standards or he’s trying to impress her beyond the norm of what a typical cheater would do.
18) He gets a sudden promotion
A sudden promotion can be a common sign of a ready-made excuse to cheat.
He wants to open up more free hours in which to explore his intimacy with this new woman.
If he gets a sudden promotion and is quite distant and away frequently then you need to try to look at it objectively. Maybe he’s just doing great work. Or maybe he’s got someone new.
19) He’s still in love with his ex
If your husband has a serious ex he still talks to, you need to proceed with caution.
It’s fine and all if he wants to keep things civil with her, but it could be blossoming back into love.
The pressures of marriage are massive and sometimes we romanticize what we used to have and forget about the hard times. Then we want to go back.
If he’s always on about his ex and seems to be falling back in love with her, you should take it very seriously.
Tim Veninga notes:
“When you’ve had a long relationship with someone, and the relationship suddenly ends…
Of course, your feelings for that person don’t suddenly just go away after a couple of months. I hope this isn’t the case with you, but perhaps he keeps bringing up things like:
“I remember when (name of his ex) and I were in Paris. First, we went here, and then we did this…”
20) He’s full of excuses
Excuses come easier to some people than others. Your husband could be a lazy man for all I know …
However, if you have observed a marked change in his reasons for not doing things, then you should pay attention.
Examples include lots of last-minute cancelations, missing out on events with the kids (if you’re parents), dodging activities you used to do as a couple, and making excuses about why he’s not into sex, date nights, and so on.
21) He plays hurtful mind games with you
Well, I told you about how he’s going to be testing you in weird ways that you seem bound to fail.
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That’s true. The cheating man who wants to drop you for another woman also likes to play hurtful mind games.
He may gaslight you, for example, accusing you of cheating or being emotionally distant.
He may ask you why you’re behaving strangely when, in fact, you’re just behaving differently because he is being weird.
These mind games and gaslighting hurt and they’re not OK.
22) He has photos of her on his phone or computer
It’s a lovely gesture when a guy puts your photo as his phone wallpaper or computer background.
Having photos of someone that we see on a regular basis is like a love reminder and makes us feel those sweet emotions that we have around them.
If he has photos of his new woman on his computer or you catch him looking at them like he’s transfixed then you know that he’s more than just chasing tail, he’s falling head over heels.
23) He’s all over her social media
If you notice that your husband is posting a lot more on social media and clicking “like” like crazy all over her photos and posts then you have a real sign that he’s in love with another woman.
Even if he hasn’t slept with her yet, it’s not exactly reassuring that he’s hovering over her profiles like a dog in heat.
And the fact that he’s reaching out and seeking attention and interest from her is a sign that he wants more than just the physical, he wants to gauge and acquire her true romantic feelings for him.
24) He rates you versus her — and you lose
If your marriage is approaching full breakdown and you’re having knock-down-drag-out fights with your man, then he may begin simply telling you why she’s better than you.
This doesn’t only go for him rating her physical appearance, either.
If he’s in love with a new woman then be prepared for him to rate her personality, cooking skills, agreeableness, and all sorts of other factors against you and tell you all the ways in which you are supposedly lacking.
25) He starts hitting the gym regularly
When men want to appeal to a new mate they work on their body and fitness.
If your husband has started hitting the gym more recently and seems more concerned with his physique and the shape he’s in, then it’s a sign that he could be in love with another woman.
26) It’s hard to get in touch with him by text or phone
Your husband may be in love with another woman if he’s very hard to get in touch with but he used to be mostly available.
If he always seems to be on his phone but now he’s only on it for reasons other than communicating with you then you can be sure that his attention and interest have drifted elsewhere and it’s not toward you.
Another warning sign is if he never wants to talk to you and ends your phone calls as soon as possible as well as answering texts in a neutral or even unfriendly tone.
27) He complains that you don’t support him enough
Your man may be going through an insecure and rough patch: a midlife crisis, a work fiasco, or any other type of thing that’s making him haywire.
Unfortunately, we can sometimes take our spouse for granted or hold them up to an impossible ideal.
If this is what he’s doing to you and complaining that you aren’t there for him enough then don’t fall into the trap.
If he doesn’t want to work on your relationship and chases another new woman instead that’s on him, not you.
28) He doesn’t want to reconcile
If you’ve caught him cheating but you’re still in love, it’s an awful situation.
If he’s fallen for another woman, he won’t want to reconcile and will seem very resistant to working things out — even if you’re willing to forgive him and work through your issues.
The fact that he doesn’t want another chance shows he was just torching the relationship to be with someone new.
Can you still save your marriage?
If the above steps have enlightened the situation for you then I’m very glad but we’re still left with a serious problem.
If your husband is in love with another woman, what can you do?
Can you still save your marriage or is it all over?
The fact of the matter is that your marriage is either busy surviving or busy dying, to paraphrase the Shawshank Redemption.
Even if your husband is not physically cheating on you, the fact that he’s messaging and seeking emotional intimacy and romance elsewhere is a giant red warning light.
It means he’s not satisfied at home, and if he’s falling in love with another woman then you have your work cut out for you — and so does he — to get back to the kind of marriage you once had and bring it back to life.
One relationship expert who I highly recommend is Brad Browning, a marriage specialist who knows how to salvage whatever is left and give you the best fighting chance at reconciling and building back what you once had.
Browning’s free video on how to save your marriage is full of outstanding advice about how to save your marriage and move forward proactively.
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