Marriages are tricky—they’re in a constant state of evolution. In fact, long-term relationships of any kind are difficult.
As someone who’s been married for almost 10 years, I know firsthand the challenges of marriage. So, how can you know if your husband doesn’t want to spend time with you anymore, or if the relationship has just evolved?
I’ll show you 15 signs he doesn’t want to, and I’ll also tell you what you can do.
15 signs he doesn’t want to
1) He’s always busy
Granted, most people are busy these days. However, it’s also a convenient excuse for your husband to avoid spending any time with you.
No matter the occasion, if he’s constantly pushing you aside because of how busy he is, it’s likely an excuse.
Here’s the bottom line: We’re all busy, we’ve all got the same amount of time in a day. If he’s too busy for you, it’s likely on purpose.
2) He hasn’t taken you out in a long time
One of the most vital things that have kept my marriage happy all these years is making it a habit to go out together.
It’s important to spend time doing fun or interesting activities together. Keep dating, even though you’re married.
While this is sound advice, if your husband hasn’t taken you out, whether it’s for dinner, a movie, shopping, or otherwise, it could be a sign that he doesn’t want to spend time with you.
Why would he want to have anyone on one time with you if he’s trying to avoid you?
3) He tunes you out while you talk
Most guys aren’t exactly the best at listening. However, it’s one of the most vital keys to success in any relationship—the ability to listen and communicate.
Furthermore, there’s a difference between not being a very good listener and tuning you out.
If it seems like your husband is deliberately tuning you out, it could be a big sign he doesn’t want to spend time with you.
Whatever you’re saying, however important, it doesn’t matter to him. He could care less.
Here are some more interesting things you can do to test a guy to see if he loves you.
4) He rushes straight to the garage (or man-cave) after work
It’s a hardly-disputed fact that guys like their man-time—whether it’s working on a project car, building something on their workbench, or just wasting time watching sports and drinking beer.
But, in a relationship, it’s important to spend time with your significant other; in a healthy relationship, both parties should want to.
Yes, even after the “honeymoon phase” is over.
So if your husband comes home from work and hardly says hello, if at all, before running straight to his sanctuary, there’s a good chance he doesn’t want to spend time with you.
5) He works a lot of overtime
When money is tight and it’s difficult to make ends meet, your husband might be working overtime to provide for you and your family.
However, that time away from you isn’t going to be ideal for him, so he’ll cherish the time he does have with you. Unless, of course, he doesn’t want to spend time with you.
Therefore, if he’s working a lot of overtime, perhaps out of the blue, it could be a sign he doesn’t want to spend time with you.
Especially if he doesn’t seem too worked up about the time lost with you and his family. Every time you have plans, he’s working. Or when you talk about how he’s never around, he just shrugs, as if it wasn’t a big deal to him.
6) He hasn’t said “I love you” lately
The affection, love, and intimacy in every relationship will wax and wane. It will have its ups and its downs.
However, that love never goes away, and over the years it will only deepen and grow stronger, despite the challenges.
So if you feel your husband growing distant, and you realize he hasn’t said “I love you” in a long time, it could be because he’s wrestling with feeling like he doesn’t want you around.
In other words, it’s a big sign he doesn’t want to spend time with you.
Here’s a look at the 5 big stages successful relationships have to go through.
7) He doesn’t show physical affection
Physical affection can start to get overlooked in a long-term relationship, especially a marriage of many years.
However, what you’re looking for is a marked change in behavior.
Maybe he’s usually affectionate and good at showing it, but lately, he hasn’t. This could be because he doesn’t want to spend time with you.
Here’s the thing: acts of physical affection, no matter how small, create and foster intimacy and safety in a relationship. One month into the marriage or ten years.
8) He hasn’t had sex with you in a long time
In a marriage, the quality of the sex is more important than the quantity. However, that’s no excuse for your husband to avoid having sex with you altogether.
If he doesn’t want to spend any time with you, he’s not really going to be into the idea of sharing such an intimate act with you.
On the flip side, it could be that he still has sex with you, but he’s not invested in connecting, sharing the moment, or making it special. He just wants to use your body for his satisfaction and then get back to avoid you.
It’s despicable, really, and a big sign that he’s just not interested in spending time with you.
If his sex is lackluster, it’s possible he’s in love with another woman. Here are some big signs he might be.
9) He makes up excuses
You miss your husband’s company, so you endeavor to spend time with him. You try to plan things, invite him to places, cook together, so on and so forth—to no avail.
No matter what, no matter when it doesn’t matter. He has the perfect excuse. He can’t do it. He’s busy, or he’s got other plans. Maybe he works, or his friend needs help with a repair.
Who knows what the reason is, and it doesn’t matter.
You got the message: he doesn’t want to spend time with you.
10) He seems irritated when you come around
Men need their alone time, as does everybody. Interrupt that alone time, and it’s natural for that person to be a bit irritated.
However, when your husband constantly seems irritated every time you come around, whether it’s to say hi, ask him a question, or just to share his company, it’s a big red flag.
It’s clear that he really doesn’t want to spend time with you, and he’s having a hard time hiding his irritation that he has to see you.
This may be especially true if you try to approach him while he’s watching his beloved sports, or working on his beloved car, or at his beloved workbench.
Never mind his beloved wife.
11) He only comes to the bedroom to sleep
Most married couples sleep together. In my marriage, one of the things I hold dearest is the thought that I don’t have to sleep in an empty bed every night.
However, the bedroom is in many ways a sanctuary of intimacy, emotional connection, communication, sex, and also sleep.
This is especially true if you have children.
So if your husband only comes to the bedroom to sleep, he could be avoiding any kind of one on one time with you.
12) He’s closed off
Communication is vital in a marriage. Not just when it comes to simple things, household issues, and logistics. Rather, communication on an emotional level is important.
At the end of the day, it’s important to be open about everything: thoughts, feelings, emotions, struggles, and so on.
This vulnerability leads to intimacy, closeness, and a stronger bond. When your husband starts closing himself off, there’s feelings he’s not sharing with you.
Something has changed, and he just doesn’t want to spend time with you anymore.
Here are some more concerning signs that your husband just isn’t into you anymore.
13) He doesn’t show appreciation for you
Marriage takes work. Both people have all kinds of responsibilities and stresses that go into managing a household and working together to share a life.
It’s important to always be thankful for our spouse. Showing appreciation engenders love, kindness, and safety.
When your husband chronically fails to show his appreciation for you, it’s a bad thing. No matter the reason.
Pair it with some of these other clues and you’ve got a pretty good reason to think that he doesn’t want to spend time with you.
There’s something up, and he’s avoiding you because of it.
14) He doesn’t want to share meals
Mealtime is important for families. In fact, it’s important to share meals with anyone we care about and love.
It’s such an incredible way to build community and forge closer friendships, connections, and relationships.
This is especially true in marriage. My spouse and I adore the time we can spend cooking together and eating together. Even if we’re having a terrible day, once we sit down and reconnect, things are always better.
Therefore, when your husband doesn’t want to share a meal with you, it’s a really big sign that he’s not interested in spending any time with you.
It can be a difficult pill to swallow, and leave you upset and hurt, but the first step in fixing a problem is identifying it.
15) He’s rude or argumentative
Every healthy marriage has its fights. Sometimes they’re big, ugly, and painful. However, a healthy fight will lead to a better understanding, a clearer picture of the issue. Importantly, it will be fair and have a good resolution.
Even if that takes a while.
However, there’s more to the story if your husband doesn’t want to spend time with you.
For instance, he’s rude and argumentative for seemingly no reason. It’s almost as if there’s something he’s not telling you. He comes into the room ready for a fight, full of frustration.
He could also be using rudeness as a tactic to piss you off, which makes you leave, which means he doesn’t have to spend time with you.
It sucks, but once you’ve got a good idea that he doesn’t want to spend time with you, you can do something about it.
But it’s important to understand why he might not want to spend time with you.
Why doesn’t he want to?
1) He’s dealing with a lot of stress
Guys tend to have a one-track mind. When something in their life is off-kilter, it will bleed into the rest of their life, too.
So, perhaps he’s not interested in spending time with you because he’s dealing with a lot of stress. He has to work through things and figure it out.
What to do about it: You would be wise to find a good time to bring it up. Let him know in a non-confrontational way that you’ve gotten the impression he doesn’t want to spend time with you.
Let him know how you feel, and ask him if it’s because he’s been stressed. Allow him the opportunity to tell you about what’s weighing on his mind. If he’s receptive to talking about it, that’s a really good sign.
2) He’s cheating on you
There’s a chance that your husband is cheating on you if you’ve felt like he’s trying to avoid you all of a sudden.
The key element here is that something has changed rather suddenly. He seems different, distant, and off. He’s avoiding you because he’s going behind your back.
He’s being dishonest, disloyal, and lying to you. Naturally, he’d want to spend as little time around you as possible. If that’s the case.
What to do about it: You’re better off not going in with guns blazing here. Not unless you have definitive evidence. So, bide your time. Watch him closer, observe his behavior. There’s no need to be excessively suspicious. Trust is important in relationships, after all.
However, he has been treating you poorly lately and avoiding you. Which gives you a reason to be worried and suspicious.
Play your cards close, be cautious, and don’t be afraid to bring them up, especially if you’re sure about it.
Here’s a great article with some big signs your partner is cheating.
3) He’s dissatisfied with the relationship
Long-term relationships are often extremely difficult. There’s no telling the number of variables that can lead to it failing.
It’s different with marriage, of course, there’s a stronger bond and a deeper dedication. However, it’s so often that marriages fail.
Maybe your husband has reservations about your compatibility. Maybe he’s unhappy in the marriage, and he doesn’t know how to fix it.
When he doesn’t know what to do, he hides his feelings and hides from you.
What to do about it: There’s no better remedy to this problem than to open a line of communication. Open it wide, too. Talk about everything. Let him speak his mind, allow him to be completely honest, and let him feel safe in doing so.
What he says might upset you, scare you, or mean the end of a relationship, but that open communication will be the best thing you can do for him, you, and the marriage. Who knows, there may be a way to fix it, too.
4) He doesn’t know how to bring something up
Sometimes guys just don’t know how to say things. They can’t find the words to properly articulate their feelings, an issue, or a problem.
So his solution might be to avoid you, to not spend time around you. It’s easier than figuring out how to bring something up.
What to do about it: Whatever it is, he doesn’t feel comfortable or ready to bring it up. So let him know your feelings in a non-confrontational way. Tell him that you’ve felt lonely, you’ve gotten the impression that he doesn’t want to spend time with you.
Endeavor to make him feel safe, and that he can bring anything up with you, and doesn’t have to be afraid to. Give him time, give him space, allow him the opportunity to figure out what he needs to do.
Of course, all of these things should be done in a way that respects yourself. You and your emotional well-being are the most important.
There’s no reason for you to sacrifice your standards, boundaries, and happiness for someone who is refusing to spend time with you, communicate with you, or respect you.
These are just a few of the signs that your husband doesn’t want to spend time with you; there are countless more reasons why that’s the case.
Just remember to be open in your communication, endeavor to understand where he’s coming from, and try to reach a solution that benefits both of you. No matter the outcome, your marriage will be healthier because of it.
The real reason why men pull away
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