Is your boyfriend secretly gay or bisexual and cheating on you?
It’s not a question any woman wants to ask, but it definitely happens: in fact, it’s happened to friends of mine.
If you’re going through this situation it can be confusing and upsetting.
Here’s a roadmap to understand more about what’s going on and what to do about it.
15 unfortunate signs your boyfriend is cheating on you with a man (and what to do about it)
1) He talks about a male friend or coworker in a suggestive way
Guys have good friends, and they love them in a brotherly way.
But if your boyfriend has started talking about male coworkers and friends in a more suggestive and sexual way, it’s a red flag.
This is one of the unfortunate signs your boyfriend is cheating on you with a man.
Just listening to him, you can hear that he thinks of men in a sexual way.
Then hearing about his thoughts and feelings on men he knows you can also sense that there’s more going on under the surface.
It’s quite possible that what’s going on is he’s cheating on you with a man.
2) He’s very secretive about guys he’s texting on his phone
Being secretive around the phone is one of the top signs of cheating, gay or straight.
If you specifically notice your guy acting strangely when you ask what guy he’s texting with, however, it can be a sign that he’s cheating on you with a man.
Of course, he’ll tell you it’s his buddy or a coworker, but if you get that “hand in the cookie jar” vibe from his answer it’s reasonable to wonder what he’s up to.
Because there’s a good chance he’s cruising for some sausage.
In addition, look out for secret accounts, and second phone numbers or Whatsapp accounts and so on…
This may be his place for finding the male intimacy he’s looking for.
“You may discover that your man has an email account you never knew about, or perhaps he has two phones and you only know one number.
“Another common sign is when he starts taking calls and walking out of the room, often telling you it’s work, and then gets defensive when you get near his phone.”
3) He’s gotten really into gay and bisexual porn
Whether you catch him watching gay and bisexual porn or he just openly tells you he’s into it, this is a big warning sign that he may be pursuing other men.
It’s possible that this porn appeals to you as well and turns you on, but keep in mind that it may be more than just novelty or variety for him.
It could be the necessary ingredient he needs to even get turned on, sexual scenes that remind him of what he’s really into.
The line between porn and real-life can actually be a lot shorter than many people realize.
And when somebody gets very into a certain type of porn it can often be a precursor or reflection of what they’re into in their real sex life.
Obviously, you don’t want to be in a position where you’re policing his porn habits.
But pay attention to what turns him on, because it can be a big sign about what he’s getting up to behind your back.
4) He flirts with men around you and talks about them sexually
If your boyfriend flirts with men around you and talks about them in a sexual way, then it’s one of the unfortunate signs your boyfriend is cheating on you with a man.
Examples might not always be super obvious, and could include him eyeing up a cute guy at the restaurant, licking his lips around a muscled gym bro, or catching his breath at the sight of Chris Hemsworth taking his shirt off onscreen.
Attraction doesn’t lie, and if your boyfriend gets turned on like this then there’s a good chance it’s an attraction he’s pursuing in his free time.
“You might have noticed that he can be pretty friendly with other men at times. Maybe he purposefully goes all-out and hits on men (as above), or maybe you just notice that his behavior changes around other guys.
“This might happen particularly with gay men and he’s subconsciously flirting as a way to explore his sexuality.”
5) He’s over-the-top homophobic for no apparent reason
Not everyone is cool with gay people, so it could just be that.
But if he’s suddenly acting over-the-top homophobic then it’s one of the unfortunate signs your boyfriend is cheating on you with a man.
The reason is that his extreme dislike of homosexuality could well be coming from repressed desires that he himself has.
This, combined with guilt over cheating on you with a man, can mix together into quite a potent cocktail of homophobia.
If your boyfriend can’t seem to shut up about how much he hates gay and bisexual guys and how distasteful their lifestyle is, then pay attention…
It sounds like he doth protest a little too much.
There’s definitely a chance that he himself is dipping a toe in the water or even jumping right in.
And he’s trying to alleviate the emotions he feels by ranting about his dislike of alternate sexual identities.
6) He’s emotionally checked out of your relationship
If your man is emotionally checked out of the relationship, then it’s one of the worst unfortunate signs your boyfriend is cheating on you with a man.
You may notice that he rarely makes eye contact, doesn’t initiate conversations and acts more interested in his phone than you.
He’s just “switched off” and there’s nothing you can seem to do to change it.
“It’s not surprising to find that when men cheat, they’re so busy directing their energy, attention, and focus elsewhere, namely to themselves and the other person who’s now in the picture, that they become less interested, concerned, and invested in you, your well-being, and the events in your life as a couple.”
7) He’s become much more into butt stuff in your sex life
This one is going to be a bit on the graphic side, but if you wanted to read a no-nonsense guide about how to tell if your boyfriend might be cheating on you with a guy, that’s what I’m going to give you.
One of the top signs your boyfriend is cheating on you with a man is that he becomes a lot more into butt stuff in your sex life.
He may even lose interest in vaginal intercourse altogether.
Suddenly he’s all about exploring your backdoor and he’s become a full-on rump ranger.
I’m not saying that guys who love anal are gay or bisexual, that’s not necessarily the case at all.
But if he wasn’t into it before and now he’s all about bum fun, then it’s possible he’s also been practicing with another guy.
8) He’s always working late or meeting a male coworker to catch up on work
Working late is a classic sign of cheating, and if it’s with his male coworker or boss then it can also be a classic sign he’s cheating on you with a guy.
Suddenly, your boyfriend needs to spend more time with Gary or Greg or whoever and “go over some charts.”
I mean, they could be going over charts, for sure. But they could also be bending each other over the desk.
Try asking him about the extra work in a non-accusatory way and see what he says.
Does he blush or lose his voice suddenly?
That male colleague may be more than just a work friend…
9) He has no reaction to seeing attractive women, but attractive guys are another story
Even happily committed heterosexual guys tend to notice when a hot woman walks by.
They may joke about it or at least raise their eyebrows a little, subconsciously salivating and then denying that they even noticed her.
But if you notice your boyfriend honestly doesn’t notice other women (and barely notices you) then there’s a good chance he’s gotten a taste for different romantic activities.
Watch how he responds when an attractive man walks by instead. Is there a different reaction?
“While initially it might seem great that some other girl is not interesting to him, but if a hot girl walks right up to him in a skimpy provocative top and there is no reaction, physical or otherwise, it could mean that there are warning signs.”
10) He’s become quite touchy-feely with other men, even in front of you
Another of the unfortunate signs your boyfriend is cheating on you with a man is that he’s become really touchy-feely with other men.
Even in front of you, he may gently caress guy friends, rub their hair, or do other borderline things.
They may technically be in the “good buddy” category, but when you really think about it you can probably picture them crossing over into the gay sex category fairly easily.
11) He talks about doubts about your relationship
If your boyfriend brings up doubts about your relationship, it can be a sign he’s losing interest or looking for an excuse to split.
Maybe he will bring up his sexuality here, but often when he’s trying to avoid that subject he’ll instead talk about the relationship in general.
He wants an easy out without having to admit he’s gay, in some cases.
He may not want to bring up the whole drama of discovering he’s into guys, much less that he’s been cheating on you with one.
12) He refuses to discuss his attraction to men or a specific man with you
If you know that your boyfriend is bisexual and ask him about it, the least he can do is try to tell you what this identity means to him.
If he refuses to do so – especially about a specific man or ex he may have dated – then it’s a warning sign that he’s back into dating men behind your back.
This isn’t about guilting or shaming him, but it’s reasonable to ask him about how he’s feeling being in a heterosexual relationship with you.
If he avoids it and won’t talk, this severely limits your options.
“Couples who can own their fears and share them—in other words, couples who can be vulnerable with each other—become stronger,” writes Lori Gottlieb.
“Maybe you’ll tell him that you’re not just afraid of having the rug pulled out from under you with a revelation down the line, but that you’re also afraid that you aren’t enough for him..”
13) He suggests having a bisexual open relationship with you
If your boyfriend suggests having a bisexual open relationship with you and another guy, then he’s all but told you he’s cheating on you with a man.
If he hasn’t actually done it yet, he clearly wants to.
Now the thing about open relationships is that they’re very tough.
It may sound exciting at first, but an open relationship will test the foundations of everything you and your boyfriend have together.
If it turns out he’s already been seeing this new guy without telling you, that can make it even tougher.
Because once the trust is eroded there’s not a lot you can go back to.
14) He’s rarely or never into sex with you
The sex life of any couple goes through big ups and downs. That’s normal and it’s to be expected.
But if he’s completely blanked out on any interest in sex with you, then you need to realize that it may be more than just a temporary lull.
He may be cheating on you with another man. Or he may just be cheating on you.
“If he never really seemed that into touching you, even in the beginning of your relationship when you’re supposed to be in a honeymoon period, then something is probably wrong,” writes Jorge Vamos.
“This sign by itself doesn’t mean he’s gay, but coupled with some of the other signs, it can be telling.”
15) You catch him with gay hookup apps on his phone
Gay hookup apps like Grindr are classic and unfortunate signs your boyfriend is cheating on you with a man.
One of my friends found out her boyfriend was cheating on her with a man this way.
She kept hearing him get pinged by apps and glanced over only to see a bunch of dick pics and wink emojis all over his screen.
I mean, come on…
Getting cheated on hurts, but having your boyfriend also lie about his sexual orientation can hurt almost as much too.
What to do about it
1) Talk through it
The first step to dealing with infidelity is to talk about it.
If it’s combined with your boyfriend also coming out as either bisexual or gay, it only makes the conversation that much more sensitive and difficult.
Go about it in as calm a way as possible.
Despite being badly hurt, offer him a chance to explain himself and tell you the truth.
2) Show him you care
As hurt as you are, make it clear to your boyfriend that you care about him and respect him.
Let him know that he can open up to you and be himself around you.
Tell him that you want what makes him happy, and explain how his lies and secrets have hurt you.
Offer him a roadmap to repair the relationship if possible, but be prepared for the chance that this won’t always be a possibility.
3) Don’t force it
As difficult as it will be, it’s important not to force it when it comes to this kind of subject.
Your boyfriend will use any pushiness on your part to claim that this is why he hid his sexuality and affair in the first place:
Because you wouldn’t “understand.”
Give him space and let him explain himself.
4) Make a choice
Ultimately you’ll have to make a choice on your side whether you wish to continue the relationship or not.
Even if your boyfriend does, you need to decide whether that works for you or not.
Be firm in your boundaries and don’t let this go further than you’re comfortable with.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.