Are you worried that your man thinks you’re no good in between the sheets?
We all want to feel desired and know that we turn on our significant other.
Here are 13 alarming signs he thinks you’re bad in bed (and what to do about it).
1) He has to check for a pulse
At the top of the complaints list for a lot of guys is when a girl simply lies there and does nothing.
Talking about their experiences with women who were bad at sex, one man anonymously noted on Reddit:
“Had a girl not move and make no noise. She wouldn’t even look at me. She just kept staring at the wall.”
Sex is between two people, and so it obviously works best when both people are equally playing a part. If you check out during sex he’s bound to notice.
Sometimes known as “starfishing” this passive approach to lovemaking can actually make a man feel pretty frustrated, undesired, and like you’re really not into the sex.
If you have a tendency to lie motionless during sex, there’s a very good chance he thinks you are bad in bed, whether he’s said it or not.
It’s not that you should be pulling out loads of fancy moves. It’s just that you’re not really participating.
As sex therapist Kimberly Resnick Anderson explained to Health.com being lazy in bed can easily become the norm.
“Once a woman stops bringing energy and enthusiasm to the bedroom, it can quickly become a baseline rather than a rarity.”
2) He complains there isn’t enough X, Y, or Z
If your guy has flat out told you certain things are missing for him but you haven’t paid any attention, he might think you’re bad in bed because you aren’t giving him what he wants.
That might be not enough sex in general, not enough oral sex, you not initiating sex, etc.
Part of being a good lover is listening to feedback and enjoying giving your partner pleasure (which he should also be doing too).
Rather than getting offended if he says you’re doing something he doesn’t like. Ask what he does like.
Complete sexual compatibility is rare. That means most couples need to make compromises.
3) He sends you material “for reference”
I asked some friends about what they’d do if their girl was bad in bed but they didn’t want to tell her straight out.
One said he’d: “try to teach her what I enjoy in bed like sending porn, articles or stuff like that”.
If a guy “casually” sends you things he wants to try out or things that gets him going, it could be him hinting that sex right now isn’t quite hitting the spot for him.
4) He makes jokes about your sex life
Making a joke often hides a lot of truth.
Sometimes it’s a passive-aggressive way of making a dig, and trying to hide behind the defense that he was only kidding around.
Of course, it’s not a good way to handle things, but it happens.
It might be a sarcastic comment about how often you have sex. It could be a snide remark about almost falling asleep the last time you had sex.
It may be a joke, but it could also be an honest assessment of what he likes and doesn’t like.
Either way, if he’s making jokes about your sex life it is probably a sign he’s not happy or satisfied in the bedroom.
5) You won’t talk about sex or trying anything new
Refusing to talk about sex with your partner is a sign of sexual immaturity.
Sex can be an embarrassing topic for many people. But if you’re not communicating about sex, chances are you don’t know enough about what each other wants sexually.
And if you’re not talking about it, then you’re not taking advantage of opportunities to learn more about your partner and what turns them on.
If it’s a challenge for him to get you to open up, or if you won’t even entertain the idea of trying anything new, he might think of you as a bit boring sexually.
6) You don’t make him feel manly
Don’t kid yourself that it’s only women that need to feel desired and wanted.
If he doesn’t feel like your hero in between the sheets, then he is less likely to enjoy sex with you.
You see, for guys, it’s all about triggering their inner hero.
I learned about this from the hero instinct. Coined by relationship expert James Bauer, this fascinating concept is about what really drives men in relationships, which is ingrained in their DNA.
And it’s something most women don’t know anything about.
Once triggered, these drivers make men into the heroes of their own lives. They feel better, love harder, and commit stronger when they find someone who knows how to trigger it.
Now, you may be wondering why it’s called “the hero instinct”? Do guys really need to feel like superheroes to commit to a woman?
Not at all. Forget about Marvel. You won’t need to play the damsel in distress or buy your man a cape.
The easiest thing to do is to check out James Bauer’s excellent free video here. He shares some easy tips to get you started, such as sending him a 12 word text that will trigger his hero instinct right away.
Because that’s the beauty of the hero instinct.
It’s only a matter of knowing the right things to say to make him realize that he wants you and only you.
7) You hide your body from him
If you could bottle confidence it would be the sexiest aphrodisiac going.
Confidence isn’t about being a supermodel. It’s about feeling comfortable in your own skin and owning every inch of your feminine charm.
Body confidence issues can be really problematic in the bedroom.
As sex therapist Laurie Watson points out in Psychology Today:
“For women, the way they see their bodies can have a big impact on their feelings of sexual desire and their ability to become aroused. In fact, according to research, next to relationship distress, negative body image is one of the biggest disrupters of sexual enjoyment, desire, and responsiveness in women.”
8) He goes quiet or withdraws after sex
Awkward silences are awkward for a reason. If they come directly after sex, then it suggests there was something about it that didn’t go to plan.
The after-sex glow should help to bond you and bring you closer. This is the time when a lot of couples cuddle, joke around or compliment the sex they just had.
But if he seems distant afterward, or if he avoids any conversation about it, it’s another sign that he may not have been into it.
9) You don’t enjoy sex
Women who aren’t the best in bed are usually women who don’t enjoy having sex. It makes sense. You’re obviously going to be less into it if you’re not having a good time.
If you dread sex, see it as a chore, and want to get it out of the way as quickly as possible it’s going to show.
Maybe you feel like you have zero sex drive or you’re ashamed about your sexuality and so find it challenging to let go.
If you feel anxious, tense, and uncomfortable during sex then your partner will be able to sense that you’re not having a good time.
10) You find the male form kind of gross
This is a pretty obvious one. The more you dislike guys’ bodies, the less likely you’ll be attracted to him.
Being freaked out or uncomfortable about nudity and bodies is often a sign of sexual inexperience.
But if you don’t want to touch him, or enjoy seeing him naked — it’s going to knock his confidence.
Being “good” in bed is largely about how you make your partner feel about themselves too.
11) You never get booty calls from exes or former flames
According to research 43 per cent of single women regularly have sex with ex-partners. If you’ve never had an ex come back for more, then maybe there’s a reason.
Sure, some breakups were probably too messy for anything other than a clean break.
But at some point, you’d expect at least one former fling to slide back into your DM’s up for a bit of no strings attached fun.
According to sex expert, Tracey Cox, if it’s never happened, then it might be for a reason.
“If you’ve got a fair number of lovers under your belt and not one of them has ever made a drunk booty call or suggested you continue to have sex while you’re between partners, it’s probably not a great sign. Unusual for not even one ex to ask ‘How about it?’. Either the sex wasn’t great or your breakups are so dramatic and draining, you simply never stay friends.”
12) He is less interested in sex than he was or makes excuses to avoid it
A man who becomes progressively less interested in sex is a red flag.
Sure it’s possible he’s just tired, having problems at work, stressed, etc. Libidos do fluctuate. After the honeymoon period, it’s also normal for the amount of sex in the relationship to drop off.
It’s not true that all guys are sex-crazed and it’s all they think about. But a consistent decrease in his sexual appetite points to something deeper going on.
If he had a high sex drive in the beginning but can be barely bothered now, he might not be enjoying the sex with you.
13) You leave everything up to him
If he always has to take the lead, it might get tiresome for him. Especially if he is always the one to initiate sex.
Research has even found that sexual satisfaction is higher for couples when both partners initiated equally (or when women at least sometimes made the move).
He’ll start thinking that you just aren’t interested in having sex with him if he always has to make the first move. And that’s not good!
So, instead of waiting for him to always initiate sex, try taking control of the situation.
He’ll find it incredibly sexy.
When you initiate sex you’re showing him that you find him desirable. And feeling desirable is key to making sure that he feels like he’s the king of the world.
What to do if you suspect he thinks you’re bad in bed
If you worry you’re bad in bed, the good news is:
- There are some things you can do instantly to be better in bed
- There are other things you can work on overtime to improve your sex life.
Know that there’s no such thing as “bad in bed”
Despite everything we’ve just said, it’s never really helpful to think of yourself as bad or good in bed.
Sex is like ice cream flavors.
There isn’t a bad flavor. Some people just like chocolate and some like cookie dough.
Good sex comes down to compatibility.
It’s easier to have good sex when you have natural chemistry and you enjoy the same sort of things in the bedroom (aka you already like the same flavors).
It can be trickier when you have different preferences. But it’s important to know that your preferences are equally as valid as his.
It doesn’t make you “bad” in bed if how you like to have sex isn’t the same as him.
Some people prefer kinky sex, others like sensual sex. Some people love to change positions and others enjoy sticking to one or two which gives them the best stimulation.
Rather than trying to be better in bed, aim for a stronger sexual connection, and ways to increase the pleasure for both of you.
Practice feeling sexier in your own skin
“The sexiest thing a woman can wear in bed is confidence.”
But sadly it’s not something that comes naturally to a lot of women. If you have self-esteem issues, that’s going to be reflected when you make love.
Play around with things that make you feel sexier. It might be getting dressed up, putting on red lipstick, wearing lingerie, putting on perfume, or kissing passionately.
It’s also important to work out what you like and explore your own body. Knowing how to pleasure yourself is always the best starting point for sexual exploration.
Research has even found that among women, masturbation has been associated with more positive sexual experiences and a healthy self-image.
Get to know each other’s likes and dislikes
Being a selfish lover is something you can pretty much stop instantly.
Trying to take pleasure in both receiving and giving it in the bedroom will go a long way.
Get to know what each other likes and dislikes. This will help you find new ways to please each other. Don’t be afraid to ask.
It may mean you’ll have to practice opening up about sex more and learning to communicate. But being more open about sex is going to strengthen your bond.
That doesn’t mean doing things you don’t want to do. But it may involve listening to what he enjoys without judgment.
You have to be prepared to discuss things and encourage open communication.
As you do you’ll both learn more about each other’s bodies and desires. And you’ll both end up happier in bed.
Plenty of women would like a guy to be more romantic. But having to ask him to buy you flowers or pay you compliments sort of defeats the object, right?
The same goes for enthusiasm in the bedroom.
Guys want to feel desired too. So show him you’re into him. Tell him if you like something. Make it clear he turns you on.
As this guy points out on Reddit, a real man will find it a turn on to see that you’re into sex with him:
“Guys, like women, want to be wanted. When a woman is whispering in my ear, and telling me how much she wants me, how hot she finds me, and she shows it, then that is the best sexy I’m going to have. I’m also going to give myself more to her at the same time.”
Being good in bed isn’t all about the sex, it’s about the build-up too.
It’s about knowing how to tease. Leave little notes, send flirtatious texts, wear something that you know he likes. It’s about helping him to feel special.
In short: Make an effort.
This also relates back to the unique concept I mentioned earlier: the hero instinct.
When a man feels wanted and needed, he’s more likely to enjoy sex with yo. And the best part is, triggering his hero instinct can be as simple as knowing the right thing to say over a text.
You can learn exactly what to do by watching this simple and genuine video by James Bauer.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.