While hook-ups, friends with benefits and Tinder dates may be momentarily fun, there’s nothing better than making love with that someone special.
However, then that nagging starts ringing in the back of your mind.
“Is he really into me?”
“Does he love me?”
“Is this casual sex or are we making love?”
Women from every corner of the sex-sphere are just like you, also looking for cues and clues into signs he is making love to you. In that ambiguous place between the euphoric highs of a steamy romp and when you meet next again, these uncertainties can certainly mess with your head.
Thankfully, we’ve prepared a comprehensive list of 20 signs he is making love to you, as well as 20 clear-cut signs he’s not.
Grab a cuppa and start reading!
1. He makes eye contact
We’re talking cinematic steam like The Notebook, Mr and Mrs Smith and even Titanic. A man who’s just in it for the ride (pun intended) wouldn’t dare look you in the eye while he’s getting his rocks off. A man who is making love to you on the other hand is a completely different story.
If he is mesmerized by you, you have stolen his gaze.
2. He says your name
“That feels great, Meg. Keep going. Oh wait, your name is Meg, right?”
Its happens all the time. A man forgetting a girl’s name or even worse – shouting out someone else’s!
But for you, he’s got your name. It’s in his phone. It’s on his mind. Your name rolls off his tongue as you take a little trip to O-Town. Shouting your name during sex means the guy has fallen for you and he is making love to you.
What’s a girl to do? Shout his name back in bed!
3. He stays for pillow talk
A man who doesn’t care will roll over, fart and fall asleep. A man who is emotionally and intellectually invested in you will stay after sex to talk.
He may spark up deep conversations or try to make you laugh by sharing stories about his life. Getting men to talk can be a bit like getting blood from a stone, but if he is really into you, the conversation (or banter) will flow free and easy.
Pillow talk is also known to cultivate intimacy, so keep the words flowing.
Recommended reading: What do guys think after you sleep with them? (28 most common things)
4. He snuggles (or spoons)
Who says making love is just sex, right?
Humans are the only mammals to take pleasure in sex and achieve an orgasm, which means the very act of making love mostly happens in the mind. Therefore, if he cuddles you from behind and goes in for a snuggle, you know that he’s in it for more than just sex.
Showing affection after the main event is one of the signs he is making love to you.
5. He takes his time
Have you ever had a fling with a fella who does the deed, gets his gear on and is out the door all within five minutes flat? Not only do you feel somewhat dissatisfied, you get a hint of regret for being used as this guy’s plaything.
Make no mistake, if he’s truly making love to you, he will S – L – O – W – I – T – D – O – W – N. Cue Barry White. Cue candles, essential oils and sensual massages. Cue hot to trot.
He wants to make the most of every saucy moment while you’re together so he won’t rush things.
6. He is attentive to your needs
Being sensitive to your needs takes a special kind of person, one that you don’t come across every day.
Do you like it rough in bed or are you a gentle lover?
Either way, he makes an effort to consider what you want out of your sexual encounter, even if it means more foreplay. Having to wait longer to reach his big O is nothing compared to the satisfaction he gets in seeing you get yours.
Especially when you have multiples!
7. He listens to you
If you say stop, he pulls the brakes and stops. If you say go, he goes and it is ecstatic.
A man making love to you will really listen and not just be driven by his little soldier. Getting it on with a guy who refuses to listen because he’s too busy thinking about himself (or football) is probably the worst kind of sex there is. Period.
If he is serious and truly cares for you, he will be sure to listen and be attentive to your feedback.
8. He asks you questions
If he expresses curiosity when it comes to your sexual desires, it means his mind is on getting you in the mood. Instead of just taking care of his own physical needs, a man making love to you will want to serve yours.
This means he will ask what you like, whether you have climaxed and if you felt a deep connection between the sheets. He might ask if you want things harder and faster or take it down a notch for a slow burn.
Asking you questions to help enhance the experience means he is not just in it for himself, but he’s in it for you too.
9. He shows an interest in you
Furthermore, if he asks questions about you, your family, your ambitions, goals and career aspirations, this could be a clue into where he’s at when it comes to your relationship.
If a booty call is all he wants, he will only be interested in where the exit is and the fastest route there.
A guy making love to you will be sure to stay with you after sex, ask questions and express a genuine interest in your life.
10. He seduces you
Often, men assume that seduction is mostly the woman’s job, especially when pop culture and entertainment show mostly girls flaunting their booty. Or worse, they are manipulative purely to get their own way.
If your partner is really invested in you, he will do everything he can get you in the mood – and in the most sincere way possible.
Simple gestures like buying you a beautiful bouquet, making chocolate fondue, taking you out for dinner or writing out a meaningful poem in a card could be his way of seducing you.
11. He kisses you
There’s pashing and then there’s kissing.
While it’s nice to have a bit of both, being smothered in kisses during the very act can feel quite intimate.
If he takes his time to kiss you all over your body and not just on the mouth, this could be something real. If he kisses all your erogenous zones, you’re onto a keeper.
On the other hand, if the best you get is a peck on the cheek and a handshake, it was simply a transaction, and a disappointing one at that.
12. He compliments your body
The way he compliments you during sex could be an indication of how he feels about you.
If he states that you’re beautiful, sexy and he loves your body, it could be more than just meaningless sex. If he wants to connect with you on an emotional level by making you feel adored and admired, then it’s a sign he is making love to you.
However, be sure to distinct between genuine compliments and signs he is just trying to get you into bed. You deserve more than a man trying to charm your clothes off and break your heart in the process.
13. He stays the night
You may believe sleepovers are for giddy teenagers but think again.
A guy who is very much interested in you will stay the night and not sail into the sunset after ejaculation. Even if it was a one-night stand. He wants to contract the gap between you both, by staying the night, being close in proximity and catching z’s together.
14. He makes you breakfast in bed
Avo. Toast. Egg. Bacon. Yes please!
After serving up a hot session of sex, does he get in the kitchen and prepare you breakfast?
Breaky in bed takes ‘staying the night’ a whole step further. Not only does he want to feed your sexual appetite, but he goes that extra step to really impress you by flipping pancakes and brewing fresh coffee.
Eat it up and take it all in.
15. He smiles around you
Smiling is the most expressive non-verbal way of communicating desire, happiness and love. In fact, it’s one of the most effective facial expressions when flirting.
Does he smile before, during and after sex?
While your man doesn’t necessarily need to smile all the time (in fact, that would actually be kind of creepy), expressing enjoyment means he wants something more. Showing appreciation for you, your body and the wonderful experience you have together can be a sign he is making love to you.
16. He expresses his emotions
An outdated of way of thinking is that ‘real men’ don’t express emotion. This could not be further from the truth.
Being able to own one’s feelings is deeply profound, especially in the act of love-making. A man that is grunting and groaning can seem somewhat primitive, compared to your intimate partner who unashamedly expresses his deep desire when making love to you.
In the moment, he shows tenderness and vulnerability simply because he loves being close to you.
17. He respects your boundaries
For many reasons, sex doesn’t always work out the way we hope.
He may be over-excited and peak too quickly. Perhaps you feel insecure about your body, which inhibits your ability to relax. Contraception can fail and pain can be felt instead of pleasure.
Unfortunately, television and cinema have a lot to say for putting unnecessary pressure on couples to have great sex.
In real life, he should respect your wishes in bed. If it hurts, he will stop and if it’s a no-go altogether, he will pull back. And then, when all goes according to plan and you finally come together again, you will know for sure that he is making love to you.
18. He’s a gentleman
They say chivalry is dead, but not in the bedroom when it comes to how he relates to you.
Don’t get me wrong. Between the sheets there’s plenty of room for rumbles and tumbles, slaps and tickles.
But throughout the experience, he will leave you feeling like a queen.
Things like practicing good personal hygiene, being polite and respectful, making you feel special and even talking openly about contraception are signs he is making love to you.
19. He says he loves you
The L-word is significant if he whispers it to you while making love. It’s what every girl wants to hear from their mate.
If he looks you in the eyes and says he loves you, he really means it. Few men would make such a declaration while in the throes of passion without really meaning it.
Boldly telling you he loves you while making love is a truly special moment that every woman longs for.
20. He maintains regular contact
In a digital world where basic social skills have been thrown completely out the window, staying in touch is often rare.
While sexting and sending nudes is the 2021 dating playbook, calling just to ask how you are means he is in it for the long haul.
Some guys will put your name and number on the backburner in case he goes through a dry spell, but not so for you. If he contacts you regularly and not just to initiate sex, he could be wanting something more.
While this list has been comprehensive, it’s important to remember that you don’t need all these signs he is making love to you as final confirmation. While it would be nice to be sleeping with a man who ticks all the boxes, it’s a lot of pressure for just one person.
Seeing several traits is enough to be an indication of where he’s at, how much he’s into you and whether he was making love to you.
20 clear signs he is not making love to you (and what you can do about it)
Now that we’ve clearly outlined the signs he is making love to you, what about the signs that he is not?
How can you tell if it’s just sex and nothing more?
Thankfully, there are some obvious signs that will help you decide for sure whether he’s the real deal or it’s just a sexual encounter.
- He maintains little or no eye contact with you
- He can’t remember your name or worse, calls you by another girl’s name
- He is not much of a talker and says very little words
- He doesn’t show any affection such as hugging or snuggling
- He drops in for a quickie and then makes an excuse to leave immediately
- He doesn’t care about your needs and wants
- He won’t take time to listen to you before, during or after sex
- He does not show an interest in you or your life
- He cannot be bothered with foreplay or romanticizing you
- He only pecks you on the cheek to say hello and goodbye
- He sees you and your body as only a mere object
- He refuses to stay longer than he needs to and tries to leave quickly
- He doesn’t smile or act happy around you, either before or after sex (or both)
- He is vague with his emotions and doesn’t share his feelings with you
- He pressures you for sex, even if you’re not really in the mood
- He has your number but never calls you back and asks you out again.
It can feel disappointing and even heartbreaking to spend the night with a man who doesn’t appear to value you or see something more serious in your relationship.
Rest assured, not all is lost.
If you’re feeling proactive, there are actually several things you can do to help alleviate the anxiety you feel.
Perhaps you starting to fall for a guy you only started casually dating and want to take things further. Remember, all great things begin somewhere, so read on to see how to play your cards right, keep your cool and all the while enjoy your life.
1. Give it time
Most solid relationships take time to be established, in fact, there are usually 5 different stages a relationship goes through to reach the ideal point of commitment.
Just like peas and carrots go together, so does time and space. Which means, if you’re wanting him to desire and love you more, you need to allow space to grow between you.
Vanishing into thin air or ‘ghosting’ is not what I’m referring to, even if it’s common practice these days.
A good balance of catching up regularly while allowing him to pursue his own interests will show you’re not desperate and ready to rush things into a marriage waltz, which is generally a big turn-off.
2. Don’t play hard-to-get
The old school way of thinking was to play hard-to-get and often, it just backfired. If you play hard-to-get, you will be exactly that. Hard. To Get.
Your man will lose interest and completely give up pursuing anything with you, which is the direct opposite of what you want!
It is important you continue to reciprocate interest whenever you chance to meet. It may seem impossible to strike that perfect balance between ‘casual interest’ and ‘you complete me’ level intensity, but it can be done!
Show that you’re having a good time while he’s in your company but don’t despair when the moment eventually ends.
3. Ask the right questions
There’s a chance your love interest is into you, but he’s just afraid of getting hurt.
There may be a perfectly logical explanation as to why he doesn’t say much around you or acts differently when you’re in the room.
A good way to get around this is to ask the right questions.
And I’m not referring to a forensic investigation or reciting a 100 point questionnaire. Gently asking about his family, friends and past relationships may help get a window into his psyche.
You can ask questions like, “what did you like most about your last girlfriend?” or “where was your favourite place to go?” may help you understand him a little more while showing you’re both curious and mature enough to hold a meaningful conversation.
4. Invest in yourself
The dating scene is confusing, frustrating and uncertain, filled with dizzying highs and disappointing lows.
While we love the highs, we tend to not deal so well with the lows. Luckily, time is on your side. Make the most of time in between dates and sexy rendezvous to invest in yourself.
To help keep your mind off things, consider starting a course in something that will help you in the long term. It could be personal development, leadership, communication – the choices are endless! You could even try something practical like joining a cooking class, getting a first aid certificate or buddying up with your friends for organised sport.
Take any opportunity to focus on your wellbeing during this time.
5. Re-evaluate what you want
Being loved, adored and worshipped by a man you’re attracted to feels wonderful. It’s every girl’s pipedream from the early days of playing princesses pining for Prince Charming.
A healthy dose of reality always helps when it comes to our expectations and perceptions.
A comprehensive study taken over 10 years conducted by psychotherapist, speaker, author and sociologist, Esther Perel revealed that love is not a permanent state of enthusiasm. The overwhelming feels of euphoria are a result of chemistry, which is not guaranteed to last in long-term relationships.
What that means is if you wind up in a serious relationship with the guy you’re sleeping with, the thrill and excitement will only last so long. This is nothing to be feared but everything to embrace because commitments paves the way for safety, security and trust.
We’ve outlined signs he is making love to you and clear signs he is not.
More importantly, being able to accept things exactly how they are while waiting for what you ultimately want (i.e. commitment, love, long-lasting intimacy) will be the most challenging for you.
Bide your time, pursue other interests and most importantly, look after yourself.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.