When you meet a guy you like it’s an exciting time.
Especially when he seems to be into you too.
But the problem is that all too often he seems to be pulling away or playing hot and cold. Is it in your head or is he sending you a signal?
It’s a question worth asking.
That’s why I’ve written up these 15 signs he doesn’t want to get attached (and what you can do about it).
15 signs he doesn’t want to get attached
1)His dates are last-minute and slapdash
If a guy is into you he’s going to put effort into dates.
Even if he messes up, you’ll be able to tell he cares and that he put thought into it.
When he doesn’t want to get attached he’s literally scared to make you think he tried or put any thought into it, in case you start thinking he actually wants something serious with you.
For this reason, you may feel like he almost intentionally half-asses dates…
‘Cause he does.
Like dating expert AJ Harbinger says, bad date ideas can be enough to ruin any connection.
Examples are the movie date, the mall date or just kind of inviting you over while his buddies are around and offering you a beer.
No thanks, man.
2) He barely hears a word you say
If there’s a basic sign of respect in any interaction I’d have to say it’s listening.
From the very mundane to the super personal, listening shows someone you’re giving them your attention and give a shit what they say.
Not listening shows the opposite.
If a guy doesn’t want to get attached then he’s going to bypass most of what you say and you’ll find yourself wondering if he hears a single word you ever say.
You will likely have to repeat yourself often or make jokes or other attention-getting things to even get him to turn away from his cellphone, videogame, chat with a friend, and so on…
Here’s my advice:
Don’t make excuses for his sorry ass.
If he wanted something real with you he wouldn’t be ignoring you.
3) He shies away from any attempt at defining your relationship
People like to say that labels just control and micromanage love, but personally, I disagree.
If you don’t know where you stand how are you supposed to assess how serious to get, how much time to give, and so on?
Are you his girlfriend, future wife, or a random side piece?
What’s the deal, exactly?
Whenever you try to bring it up he acts like it’s the most boring or ridiculous subject he’s ever heard – and he dodges it like a whippersnapper dodgeball coming at his face.
“I know that modern dating is all about casual dating, but that’s just not me. I don’t want to keep things on the down low. I don’t want our relationship to be a secret. That just makes me feel like a guy is ashamed of me.
If I’m taking time out of my day to spend with someone special, he needs to think I’m special too.”
4) He’s still hung up about his ex
Old relationships sometimes die hard, I totally understand.
But if your guy is still hung up about his ex then there’s not a hell of a lot you can do except wait for it to fade or walk away.
If he was open to getting serious with you then he wouldn’t ever be even hinting at an ex who’s on his mind.
It’s good that he’s being honest or that the issue of his ex has come up…
But it’s bad that it means he’s likely not going to go all-in with you at any point in the foreseeable future.
5) He finds your values and dreams boring or unimportant
One of the worst signs he doesn’t want to get attached is that he doesn’t care about your values or your dreams.
He may smile and nod, but you can tell there’s no real fuse being lit.
He just doesn’t give a shit. And that’s unfortunate.
Because you’re never going to create a meaningful or long-lasting bond with a person who’s not in any way invested in your future or what matters most to you.
There’s no real way around this roadblock:
If you’re having this happen you should hunt for a new catch.
6) He’s locked up like Fort Knox
Guys are famous for not liking to open up about how they feel.
I get that…sure.
But we’re all human and now and then we all tell a story from the past or talk about where we’re at in our emotions.
If he never ever does that with you then you can be sure there’s a reason:
He doesn’t see a future with you and doesn’t want to get attached.
“When you tell someone how you’re feeling, they’ll usually ask you why you’re feeling that way. If he doesn’t have an answer to the question, it’ll force him to really think about it.
If he doesn’t want to psychoanalyze himself, then he’s going to keep everything inside so that he doesn’t have to,”
A guy who’s not that into you doesn’t want to get deep or open up. It’s just not in the cards.
7) He says he doesn’t know what he’s looking for
Hey, some of us really are lost in life and love. I sure have been in my day…
But if this guy doesn’t know what he’s looking for then it’s a red flag to end all red flags.
If he truly doesn’t know what he’s looking for that’s one thing.
But this is a line that’s used so often to string a girl along that it should come wrapped in a bow and say “Merry Fucking Christmas, Bitch.”
There’s very little chance he’s actually unsure about what he’s looking for.
There’s a very large chance he’s pretty sure he doesn’t want to get serious with you.
Otherwise he wouldn’t be diluting your dating with his doubts and confusion.
8) He doesn’t spend much time with you
Time is valuable and all of us use it for the things we care about:
Work, family, loved ones, projects and hobbies we love.
When he doesn’t use his time for you it means one thing and that is that he doesn’t want to get too deep into things with you.
He wants to keep it casual.
If not, be cautious, because this guy is not in it for the long haul. Even as you date him he barely spends any time with you.
That’s a bad sign.
And it spells a future relationship of neglect, feeling left behind and more nasty stuff.
9) He only gets interested when sex is on the table
Sex is good.
I personally am a big fan.
With the right person it can shake the rafters and raise the roof.
But when you’re with a guy who’s only after your booty it just gets fucking annoying.
OK you want some action: congrats.
I’m also a human being who has thoughts and emotions, not just a pussy.
This cycle leads you down a dark path. You start to feel like shit: extremely devalued and left behind.
Sky has a great article on “the psychology of a fuckboy” where she writes that:
“The reason why so many women question themselves when dating a fuck boy is because fuck boys are very inconsistent and you’ll never know where you stand with them. Fuck boys are also emotionally unavailable.
Emotionally unavailable partners create barriers to intimacy and can make you feel unloved or unwanted.”
10) You’re just not his priority
Everyone gets busy sometimes.
But if you’re never his priority then you have to ask yourself what’s up.
When a guy is in love with a woman – or even very fond of her – he commits time and energy to her.
He returns her calls, spends money on her and generally makes it obvious that he’s into whatever they’re doing together.
But when he treats you as some side project then you have every right to start doubting the connection.
No guy who was serious would treat you that way.
11) He’s out of range
Have you ever been left on read?
It feels bad, girl. Real, real bad.
It’s also super confusing and weird. Like, if he’s busy or away from his phone obviously it’s no thing.
But if he’s seeing you and swiping away it’s very much a thing: it’s him not being into you.
And that hurts.
But it should also deliver a clear message to you that this man is not wanting to get attached.
He texts or calls you when he wants to…
But when you’re feeling like getting in touch he’s … meh.
Not so romantic, is it?
12) The future is an off-limits topic
The future can make any of us stressful.
But when you bring it up with a guy who doesn’t want to get attached he’s going to try and shake it like a bad tick.
He won’t want to talk about the future in any way, even casually.
The problem on your end is that you may make excuses for him: oh he’s just at that stage of his life, he’s a very independent guy, and so on…and so on…
It doesn’t matter.
If he was serious about you he’d be 100% fine talking about the future in some way: in fact, he’d be excited.
“Why is the concept that a man will do everything possible if he’s interested in a future—aka marriage—so hard for women to believe? Maybe it is because giving reasons to the contrary makes us feel better,”
“Feeling important in a man’s life should never feel secondary if he honestly wants to build a relationship with you.”
13) He tells you directly that he doesn’t want to get attached
Sometimes it’s simple.
He just comes right out and tells you he isn’t looking to get attached.
Maybe it’s past trauma, other priorities or just his stage in life. But he will spell out the fact that he’s not looking for something serious…
What you do with that information from him is up to you.
But you can’t say he didn’t tell you.
If he straight up says he’s not looking for serious then there’s no longer any excuse for staying with him if you’re looking for more.
Unless you’re already in love.
In which case, Lord have mercy on you…
14) He doesn’t care if you flirt with other guys
Excessive jealousy is a major turn off for sure, but when your guy doesn’t care at all if you flirt with other guys then you have a problem on your hands.
When he doesn’t care at all if you flirt with other guys it’s one of the biggest signs he doesn’t want to get attached.
He may want some interaction or intimacy with you (read: sex) but he doesn’t actually care about winning your heart.
He sees you as disposable and he’s just passing time or getting some ass.
He’s cool with other dudes getting in the mix and taking you off his hands.
Harsh, but true.
15) He has zero interest in meeting your family or friends
This stuff is pretty simple but it’s like the old example of losing your glasses when you’re wearing them.
Sometimes what’s right in front of your face is easy to miss because you’re caught up in the moment.
That’s why I’m here to tell you:
If he has zero interest in meeting your family or friends then his level of interest is right at the bottom.
I realize that not everyone wants to do a meet and greet with ma and pa, but meeting your family and friends is not a big ask.
It’s just the basics of what a guy is willing to go through when he really wants something with a girl.
So if he doesn’t, then he’s on the outbound train…
What you can do about it…
1) Don’t get too attached to him
The best thing to do first off if you’re dealing with a guy who doesn’t want to get attached is not get attached to him.
If you fall for him or become hopelessly enamored then your power is basically gone.
And this is a guy who will lead you down the worst paths with no apology and strand you without a second thought.
Still, it isn’t all bad.
If you get attached too easily there’s still hope:
“If a relationship is the only thing you’re chasing in this life, you need to reevaluate your priorities.
At the start of a new relationship, you may want to drop everything and focus on your newfound love, but doing so accelerates the relationship faster than you can say, ‘does this thing have brakes?’ Newsflash: You need more than just a guy to complete you,”
2) Become the best you
Sometimes the best thing you can do is embrace your inner goddess.
I have, and I highly recommend it.
It feels good knowing your full potential and reveling in it.
I’ve improved myself on every level and I’ve done it for one very simple reason which I really want to emphasize:
Because I can.
I didn’t do it for any guy; I didn’t do it for my friends; I didn’t do it for my family or social expectations.
I made myself into a better person because it feels good and because if I have the ability to do so why not do it?
3) Let him know what you have to offer
There’s such a thing as a guy who’s a catch but is also dumb as rocks.
Basically he’s clueless and you need to lead him straight to water before he’ll take a drink.
This is where you show him what you have to offer without being pushy.
Treat him good, dress nicely and be his girl as much as that’s possible.
Then rip it away if he’s not willing to commit.
He’ll get the message real quick, believe me.
If a guy likes a woman he notices what she does very closely.
Demonstrating your worth in every way – non-performatively- will clue him in and make him realize that he has to up his game if he even wants a shot with you.
4) Bend but don’t break
Being flexible to change and accepting disappointment without letting it break you is a fine art that takes a lot of strength.
“When you bend you make the decision that this challenge will not defeat you! When you bend you make the decision that better days are to come and that you will not break!,”
writes Kris Mathis, adding:
“Based on size and looks you would never guess that the bamboo tree is one of the strongest trees on Earth.
What’s amazing about the bamboo tree is when the wind reaches 100 mph and there’s tropical storms, hurricanes, and typhoons it’s mind blowing how this tree responds!
When the strong winds begin to blow the bamboo tree will bend all the way down to the ground — sometimes less than an inch off the ground.”
5) Find a guy who does want to get attached
This might seem very obvious but it’s well worth saying.
If you’re dealing with a man who doesn’t want to get attached, then go find yourself a guy who does want to get attached.
I know this can be easier said than done, but do your best.
Churches, community organizations and other places are a good idea to seek out guys who might be serious about long-term relationships and marriage.
Tinder and online dating tends to be a bit of a crap shoot, although I’m not saying it never pans out (never say never)!
There’s only so much influence and control you can have over anything, and you can’t make a guy who’s not serious into Mr. Serious, but you can decided to move on from him and find a man who actually cares about you.
If you’re seeing a lot of these signs he doesn’t want to get attached then I recommend proceeding with caution.
If you’re looking for a relationship and he’s not, then sooner or later you’re going to get burned.
It’s happened to me, so I know.
And the problem is that the longer the good times last the harder it is when the disappointment comes and you feel the knife in the back.
If you know he doesn’t want to get attached then don’t lie to yourself.
Be honest that this isn’t going to go anywhere and walk away, or give him a clear message that you’re not in this just for fun and he can either take it or leave it.
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