19 concerning signs he doesn’t value you

No relationship is perfect and every couple has rough patches.

If you’re with a guy who means the world to you but he’s slowly fading away then it’s normal to wonder what the hell is going on.

If his behavior has changed a lot since when you first got together, you may need to step back and reassess whether this is something you want to do anymore. 

Let’s cut to the chase

A lot of articles on this topic skirt around the issue.

They tell you all the reasons your guy might be ignoring you or treating you poorly that are actually because of his own issues or unrelated problems in his life…

They tell you the various things that might not be your fault that cause him to treat you badly just as a side-effect. 

I’m not going to do that.

Your man isn’t paying me to be his public relations representative, why should I cover for him or provide excuses for his behavior?

This article is straight-up honest: 

These are signs he doesn’t value you, not a psychoanalysis of his deep, dark issues or the supposed excuses for his behavior. 

I’m not going to sugarcoat these signs or downplay any of them. 

If he’s doing this shit then you have a big problem on your hands. 

Period. 

Top 19 signs he doesn’t value you

1) You’re not his choice, you’re just an option

If you’ve recently started seeing a guy or are in a relationship and you notice he treats you as one of many options then there is a serious issue.

Signs include frequently cancelling at the last minute before a date, joking about or commenting on other women around you and generally making it clear that spending time with you is “no big deal” and not really that special to him. 

Here’s the thing:

No girl wants fake flattery and a guy to fawn all over her like some over-the-top soap opera star. But that doesn’t mean the opposite is acceptable either, because it’s not. 

Remember if a guy treats you like an option, leave him like a choice. 

Because it is your choice.

2) He never stands up for you

One of the clearest signs he doesn’t value you is when he never stands up for you in front of others. This can include family, friends, or even strangers.

He doesn’t take your side and he acts like you’re some raving vagabond he happened across in the street who’s saying crazy shit if you ever end up on the wrong side of an interaction. 

This includes professional settings such as if you complain to a business about something that wasn’t good enough that you paid for.

He’ll stand there as if you’re off your rocker kind of doing that “women be crazy” thing with a smirk.  It also applies to a social situation. 

“Yo man, you seein’ this chick?” an obnoxious friend of his might ask if you happen to say something the friend group considers weird or silly. 

“Ah her? You know how it goes man,” he responds with a wink.

Translation: you’re a piece of ass and he puts up with your social awkwardness because of your looks.

Drop this guy like a hot potato and then kick him in the trash.

3) Want advice specific to your situation?

While this article explores the main signs he doesn’t value you, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.

With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice specific to your life and your experiences…

Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations, like whether you should fix a relationship or leave it. They’re a very popular resource for people facing this sort of challenge.

How do I know?

Well, I reached out to Relationship Hero a few months ago when I was going through a tough patch in my own relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

Click here to get started.

4) He drops you at the last minute

Sometimes last-minute stuff comes up and your guy has to cancel. It could be legit, I’d even go so far as to say you should give him the benefit of the doubt…

The first couple of times…

But when cancelling at the last minute becomes his go-to move then you can be sure of one of three things:

He’s ditching you for another girl, friend or event;

He changed his mind and only let you know at the last minute because he knows you’ll put up with it;

He doesn’t value you.

And none of those three things is what you want in a guy you’re interested in.

So my sincere advice there is to let him know it’s not good enough for you and give him a simple choice:

Shape up or get lost!

5) He doesn’t introduce you to family and friends

As I wrote in my earlier example, you may end up in uncomfortable settings with his friends or those close to him.

However, if a guy doesn’t value you then one of the things he will often do is not even introduce you to family and friends at all.

And if you do bump into them he’ll act like he barely knows you or you don’t mean much to him. 

He may introduce you as his “friend,” by your name or any other trick to avoid getting into actually talking about whether you’re his girlfriend.

The subtext here is loud and clear if you’re willing to listen:

You’re a side piece for him and he doesn’t value you.

A flip side of this scenario is when he loves showing you off in public and to friends and family because of your status or looks but never actually cares whether you want to go out, meet his inner circle, and so on.

Yes, in that case, he’s open about seeing you, but he’s also treating you like some trophy, not a human being, and – trust me – that’s not valuing you.

6) He won’t pick up

He doesn’t answer the phone, even when you call often or ask if he’s OK or wants to meet up.

Yes, you’ll get the usual excuses and hell — who knows — there could be some truth in them:

He’s super busy at work;

He’s been feeling under the weather;

He has a family situation;

And so on…

But the thing is that when him being distant and only talking to you when he unilaterally decides is not a sign of valuing you. 

It’s a sign of treating you like a disposable object he calls upon when feeling lonely or horny. And that’s pretty insulting, actually.

7) He undermines your beliefs and values

Another one of the biggest signs he doesn’t value you is when he undermines your beliefs and values. 

This is quite different from respectfully disagreeing or presenting his own point of view and accepting that you do not share it. That is actually healthy and it’s a kind of honesty that leaves room for the relationship to grow. 

Undermining your beliefs and values is a toxic power dynamic where — consciously or unconsciously — he is trying to gain the upper hand over you and let you know that you’re “not good enough.”

Here’s a concrete example:

Say you’re a woman who doesn’t drink and dislikes loud nightclubs and party scenes.

This guy may act like he respects that at first but as the days go by he will start to make sarcastic, undermining comments about it.

This isn’t him just being funny, it’s him trying to pressure and force you to change and letting you know he’s the bigger prize because he’s “fun,” and “easygoing” or whatever.

Be careful of this kind of guy.

And remember that he’s not going to doom your love life. Even though it sometimes feels like you keep drawing the short straw, keep in mind that there’s a way to tackle this from a different angle. 

Maybe you need to take a different approach to fixing your relationship.

Maybe you need to work on the most important one you’ll ever have, before you can fix the others:

The one you have with yourself. 

I learnt about this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. In his excellent, free video on cultivating healthy relationships, Rudá reveals where most of us go wrong in our relationships. 

So why should you listen to Rudá’s life-changing advice? 

Well, he uses techniques derived from ancient shamanic teachings, but he puts his own modern-day twist on them. He may be a shaman, but he’s made the same mistakes in love that you and I have.

And now he’s found the solution, he wants to share it with you.

So if you’re done with feeling less than worthy, if you’re tired of toxic relationships, and you want to cultivate real, genuine love, check out his simple yet effective advice. 

Click here to watch the free video.

8) He makes fun of you in private and public

I hinted at this one earlier, but it’s important to point how often it can be excused as a joke. 

The thing about jokes is…they’re funny. Or at least they should be. 

In fact, humor is one of the biggest aphrodisiacs, at least for me it is.  But when this guy is making fun of you in private and public it’s a different matter.

Making fun of someone in a very light way or manner that’s still inclusive and well-intentioned is honestly fine in my opinion, especially if they allow you to dish it right back and it’s a kind of bonding method.

The issue happens when the making fun only goes one way and when it has an undercurrent of judgment and mean-spirited vibes. 

The list of examples I could give here is almost endless but to present just a few examples, this could be making fun of your style, voice, friends, career, home or home decor, vehicle, future dreams, and values. 

I don’t care if he read about doing this on some pickup forum and calls it “negging” or some other juvenile, misogynistic term. 

If this guy does that stuff he’s a dick and he doesn’t value you.

9) He challenges you to leave him and plays mind games

One of the ugliest, glaring signs he doesn’t value you is mind games.

Some guys — and people, generally — are very passive-aggressive and maybe an attractive angel at times and become a horrible demon at others. It’s almost like they build you up just for the pleasure of watching you fall.

If he plays mind games like challenging you to leave him or holding the threat over you like a blackmail tactic then you are in a sticky situation.

You may have fallen for this guy’s “good side” but you’re horrified and turned off by his petty, vindictive side that’s playing with your mind.

My advice is to get out as fast as possible before it spirals into outright physical or sexual abuse.

Dawson McAllister explains it well here:

“Some people use mind games to selfishly manipulate others so they can get what they want to meet their own unmet needs. This may include: sex, always having someone by their side, having someone adore them, a need to control someone and hoping another person will heal their deepest hurts.”

10) He doesn’t care if you see other guys

None of us want a guy who’s ultra jealous and pounces on any text we send. But it’s also kind of bizarre if you’re seeing a guy who genuinely doesn’t care about you flirting with or even seeing other guys.

Yes, I’m aware of so-called “open relationships” and if that’s what you’re doing then his behavior would make sense in that context.

But in a monogamous relationship it tends to mean only one thing:

He’s just not that into you. 

If he respects your privacy and space that’s one thing — and that’s great.

But if he openly laughs at or dismisses you mentioning other guys you find hot or even when he knows you could be actively going to meet other guys then you can put money in the bank that he has huge commitment issues or only sees you as a side piece.

11) You mean nothing to him

This may seem obvious but it can be tricky. Here’s why:

You may be seeing a guy who’s generally kind, sociable, well-liked, and popular. 

He may be a maven at uplifting others and telling jokes everyone loves and getting the eye of every girl in the room.

And, unfortunately, he may be just doing the same thing to you and taking you as an opportunity that happened to come along.

In other words, he may be treating you fairly well, but if he’s treating you exactly the same as he does everyone else then you have to be honest with yourself.

If you were special to him, why is he just copy-pasting his approach to everyone else onto you?

It’s enough to definitely start asking some serious questions…

12) He just doesn’t make the time

This is related to him not picking up the phone and only being available when he wants to be.

One of the top signs he doesn’t value you is simply that he just doesn’t make the time.

He makes time for work, for friends, for fun, but you? You’re an afterthought, a last-minute booty call, a confused “oh hey uhhh… what you up to?” response when you call.

(That “uhhh” was probably because he had trouble remembering your name or is still exhausted from a night of wild sex with another girl).

He doesn’t make the time for you because he doesn’t value you.

I almost guarantee it.

The only exceptions are if he’s legitimately completely tied down like on military deployment, very ill or dealing with a tragedy that just happened.

And if that’s the case I guarantee he’ll express a genuine apology and love for you regardless if his time is currently unavailable. 

13) It’s all give, no take

There are times in every dating scenario and relationship when one partner takes the lead. 

Our schedules and lives have an ebb and flow like everything else that exists.

That’s normal.

What’s not normal — and not OK — is when he expects you to put everything into the relationship and he just lays back with his hands behind his head and watches UFC or whatever “guy thing” he’s into.

The one-sided thing goes for many issues in a relationship including:

Sex (he expects you to do all the work and be into it only when he is);

Cooking (he loves your lasagna so much, it’s not that he’s lazy! suuure…)

Socializing (when he’s in the mood to do something it’s balls to the wall, when only you are it’s ehhh, maybe another day?)

And so on…

No relationship can survive being this one-sided.

Sorry to break it to you but you’re headed for a breakup right quick.

14) You’re invisible and inaudible to him

When a guy values you, he hears what you say and watches how you’re behaving. 

When you’re upset he asks what’s wrong.

When you ask him a question he answers.

Crazy concept, I know.

When a guy doesn’t value you he ignores most of what you say unless he’s getting something from it and barely looks at you unless he’s checking out your ass or cleavage.

Hey — I told you this article would be straight-up honest!

Don’t be afraid to bring this up with him if you’re feeling invisible and unheard. It is true that sometimes guys communicate less and become distant without fully realizing it.

I’m not making an excuse for him though, and if this shit keeps up for more than a few days you’re going to have to draw a line in the sand.

15) He’s hooking up with other women

If he values you then even the most sex-crazed guy is going to be willing to be exclusive.

Sorry, not sorry.

If you’re not enough for him that’s his issue, not yours. I really want to be clear that you are not to blame, and nor should you accept, his gallivanting around on the side.

If he’s hooking up with other women then he doesn’t value you. At least not enough.

Don’t let him talk you into it, downplay it or get away with lies you know are nonsense. You deserve more from a man.

Like psychologist Robert Weiss writes:

“As a therapist, I find most of the reasons that cheating men use to justify their infidelity fascinating—because almost all of these reasons imply that cheating was the only logical solution to their relationship issues and other life problems.”

16) Your sex life is on the rocks

Sexual desires wax and wanes: sometimes it’s wax on, wax off (Karate Kid pun, y’all).

But the point is that when he never wants to have sex with you and goes limp when you do, then there’s a good chance he’s finding loving elsewhere or doesn’t value you much.

One thing to keep in mind here is that it can be very difficult to get the physical and romantic lined up.

There are cases where a guy does value you as an individual and loves spending time with you and being with you but just genuinely is not that turned on by you and your physical body. This sucks and it’s a really hard dilemma.

I don’t have an easy answer for it but I can say that unless sexual intimacy is not important to you at all then it’s probably not going to work out between the two of you.

Sex isn’t everything but it still matters.

17) Your sex life is all he cares about

The flip side of him ghosting you on sex is that he’s only ever about the sex. 

At first, this could seem cool!

You’ve met a guy who’s all over you (literally, so I hope he’s not overweight) and wants to spend his days and nights tracing the contours of your body like a blind cellist.

How romantic and European … or something.

However, after a few weeks or months (who am I to judge your stamina?) of this, you begin to see some question marks popping up.

Wait a second: I’m more than just a hot body, I’m a hot person!

I sympathize, believe me. I don’t want a guy who never notices my sizzling body but I also stay far away from those who only ever go after my booty. 

18) He never pays

Money’s no big deal right? Who cares if he pays in our days of female empowerment and all that…

Well, I for one do care!

Call me old school, but if a guy doesn’t even reach for his wallet then I start to get cold feet.

Come on, dude.

I’m a lady and I damn sure expect to be treated like one, bro.

Call me a diva if you want or even a gold digger (I reject all such labels!) but the fact is I want a man who’s not afraid to treat his lady right.

And that includes taking the burden of dollars and cents off my mind when we go out for a nice night or even when he takes me to get my car repaired and chips in for the bill.

If your guy never pays then he’s a scrub and he doesn’t value you.

19) You’re always the one who reaches out

When he never initiates there’s a simple reason in almost all cases:

He doesn’t care.

If you approach him he may respond with interest, but that’s just his below-the-belt brain thinking, believe me.

If you’re always the one who reaches out first then Houston, we have a problem. There should be some back and forth in your communications and flow of conversation, so pay attention to that and listen to what it’s telling you. 

The exception here is booty calls.

If he reaches out late at night or at random hours of the day to sext or meet up for some boot bumping then you have a certified fuckboy on your hands.

And unless that’s what you’re looking for I’d suggest showing him the door and blocking his number.

Time to face the music…

If more than 25% of the signs on the list above are true in your dating or relationship then it’s time to face the music.

This guy doesn’t care much about you and you can do better.

It hurts to leave someone you are interested in, even if they don’t reciprocate.

But I promise you can do better and that true love and intimacy are waiting for each of us the more we value and improve our relationship with ourselves.

Don’t make excuses for this guy.

Even if there is some other very good reason he’s treating you like nobody he can tell you how sorry he is and come after you if he’s really into you.

Never lower your standards because you think you’re not worth more.

You are worth more and you deserve a man who values you for who you are: mind, body and soul!