15 reasons why nice guys aren’t actually nice

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Nice guys finish last.

When it comes to love and dating, nice guys finish last because women are attracted to bad boys who make their hearts race with fear rather than affection.

Right? Wrong.

That’s what we’ve been led to believe.

Nice guys don’t finish last; they simply have different priorities when it comes to love and dating.

It has also given rise to many misrepresentations of what it means to be a nice guy, and why so many women aren’t interested in dating them—at least not exclusively so—in real life.

No such thing as a nice guy. Here are some reasons why this is true:

1) They have ulterior motives.

Nice guys are the ones who always seem to be there for you, but they could be hiding something.

They’re not being nice because they want to be; they’re just trying to get something from you.

They might want your attention, or maybe they just want to take advantage of you.

Either way, it’s important to be aware of the signs that you’re being taken advantage of.

Self-proclaimed nice guys who were raised by narcissistic parents might have a hard time empathizing with others.

They may even tell themselves that everyone is out for themselves and that nobody could ever truly care about them.

They might try to compensate for their lack of understanding by going out of their way to do things for other people.

But instead of genuine kindness, they’re just trying to manipulate people into doing things for them in return.

If you see these warning signs in someone you know and trust, it’s important to speak up and let him or her know that you don’t appreciate being taken advantage of like this.

2) They’re often super judgmental.

Nice guys are often afraid of what other people will think of them if they try to stand up for women or start doing things that make them uncomfortable.

They see other men as “alpha” – strong and confident, whereas they don’t have the confidence to do certain things, like ask out a girl or get creative in bed.

And so they retreat into a kind of cowardly, passive-aggressive behavior where they try to control everything around them rather than standing up for themselves.

This doesn’t just mean that nice guys aren’t all that nice; it can also mean that they’re not nice at all.

If you want someone who is going to be there for you no matter what and who will support you no matter how big or small your struggle might be, look for someone who dares to fight for what he wants.

3) They tend to be manipulative.

It’s easy to assume that a guy who is nice to you must be nice because he loves you, but some guys are nice just to get what they want.

If your guy does something extra nice for you, it may feel like a genuine expression of his love and caring, but it might also be a way to manipulate you into doing what he wants.

If he’s doing things like paying for dinner or picking up the bill in a restaurant, he may be trying to make you feel obligated to pay him back.

However, in some cases, nice guys aren’t even trying to be manipulative – they genuinely believe that being kind and caring will earn them more respect and attention.

4) Their niceness is often a facade.

Nice guys are the people who do nice things because they want to be seen as someone worth emulating.

They are generally quiet, polite, and respectful of others and their property.

The problem with some nice guys is that they don’t mean it when they say they are being nice.

In their minds, being nice means doing what makes you look good in the eyes of others, not necessarily what is best for those around you.

Because of this, they often end up unintentionally hurting others as a result of their actions.

Nice guys often get into relationships with other nice people because they think this will make them look better and more admirable to others.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t always work out in their favor because most people aren’t looking for someone nice by default; they are looking for someone who demonstrates kindness regularly.

And that’s on point!

5) They can be passive-aggressive.

Passive aggression is a behavior characterized by being indirect and non-directive, often causing someone else to behave in a certain way.

This may be due to a fear of confrontation, or it may be a way of avoiding conflict altogether.

Passive aggression can be either good or bad depending on what kind you display.

It’s not necessarily a sign of bad character, but it does indicate a lack of self-control, so it’s important for people who display passive aggression to avoid acting on their impulses if possible.

Of course, not all passive-aggressive behavior is bad.

It’s just important to recognize when it’s happening to take steps toward solving problems and improving relationships instead of letting them fester.

6) They expect something in return for their niceness.

Sometimes, “nice guys” can be quite selfish.

They might put other people’s needs before their own.

But, in hindsight, there are other games at play.

They will get your approval and trust with the thought of harboring something in return in the long run.

So what makes a person a “nice guy”?

What qualities do you look for in a nice person?

How can you tell if someone is really being nice or if he’s just being selfish?

Well, here’s an answer for you.

While this article will shed light on the main reasons why nice guys aren’t really who they say they are, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.

With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice tailored to your unique situation…

Relationship Hero is a popular site where highly trained relationship coaches help people work through complex relationship issues, like identifying if a guy is truly nice. Their popularity boils down to how skilled their coaches are.

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7) They’re often self-centered.

Nice guys may seem like they’re nice because they’re trying to be, but underneath all those wisecracks and charming smiles, they’re selfish.

They’d rather have sex than a sincere conversation, and they’ll say anything to get it.

They only care about themselves and what’s best for them, so they don’t mind if you feel hurt or taken advantage of.

They might seem romantic and thoughtful, but in reality, they’re only interested in playing games and looking at porn.

If someone seems untrustworthy or dishonest, any hint of sexual tension or behavior that feels wrong should be enough to draw your line in the sand.

Not every relationship has to turn into romance; sometimes it’s better to just be friends.

And when it comes to dating, being upfront and honest from the beginning is always best.

8) They can be controlling.

Control is a slippery slope.

One step can lead to another and before you know it, you’re in a situation that you never should have been in.

It’s important to recognize when someone is trying to control you and, if that’s the case, to speak up. It’s not easy to do, but it’s an important step toward building a healthy relationship.

The most obvious signs are when someone ”nice” tries to make all of the decisions for you or micromanage your life.

Other signs include pressure for you to do things your way or feeling like you have no choice but to go along with them (even if you disagree).

Once you’ve identified it, the next step is speaking up.

Always remember to value your autonomy and self-trust!

9) They might have a superiority complex.

This means that they think that being nice is something special and impressive about them.

But it’s not. In fact, it’s just being nice.

There is nothing superior about being nice, mind you!

The truth is that being nice doesn’t make you any better than anyone else and it isn’t any more impressive than being mean or rude.

So unless there is a good reason to be nice (like if someone needs your help), don’t feel pressured to be nice just because other people expect it from you.

Instead, do what makes sense for you and be honest with yourself about how your actions impact other people.

10) They can be hypocritical.

Nice guys can be hypocritical because they’re not genuine.

They say they want to help, but they do the exact opposite.

They lie to girls and make them feel bad about themselves.

If a nice guy wants to be with you, he can’t fake his emotions or act differently than he normally would.

The only way to tell if he’s being genuine is by looking at his actions and how he treats you.

If he does things that show that he cares about you, then you can be sure that he’s genuine.

Keep in mind that nice guys can’t be true to their word 100% of the time.

Even though they try their best, there are always going to be some instances where they fall short of your expectations.

That doesn’t mean that you should give up on them, though.

Instead of holding onto unrealistic expectations, just take a step back and see if there’s anything you can do to improve your relationship with them.

11) They can be two-faced.

Nice guys aren’t actually nice.

They can be two-faced, sometimes even with the same person.

This is especially common in relationships where one partner has been hurt by a previous partner.

Sometimes nice guys may appear to be nice at first, but they have their agenda.

Like all people, nice guys have their own set of emotional and physical needs.

They want to feel safe and cared for, and to be valued for who they are.

If a woman treats him like he’s less than human, it can leave him feeling devalued and empty inside.

So instead of being genuine with her, he tries to be what she wants instead — which is often not what she wants at all.

Nice guys who feel insecure may also use manipulative behavior to try to get what they want from women.

12) They’re often gossipers.

Gossiping is one of the most common reasons nice guys get rejected.

When it comes to dating, people usually have a natural “reputation bias” – they look for other people who are like them, and this causes them to overlook the many qualities a good date candidate may have.

Gossiping can be a form of projection – it can seem harmless because it’s not confrontation, but if you’re constantly talking about others behind their backs, the impression that you leave will be negative.

It could also cause people to lose trust in you if they see that you aren’t being honest.

If you want to make sure your date doesn’t feel like they have to lie to get into your pants, keep your mouth shut.

A gossip is also a form of manipulation – when someone tells another person something they want to hear, they are essentially using that person as a tool to achieve their own goals.

If someone says “you’re so nice! I wish I had friends like you!” then you could interpret this as “I want you to like me!” and decide that must mean this person is nice too.

This kind of manipulation happens all the time – even in politics – and it is an unfortunate reality of life that can lead to some hurt feelings and confusion.

13) Their niceness is sometimes just an act.

Nice guys are seen as being the opposite of a jerk.

They might be friendly, but they’re not necessarily looking out for other people’s best interests. Their niceness is sometimes just an act.

People may think that nice guys are nice because they truly care about others; however, their niceness could also be a way to get what they want.

They might not be looking out for other people’s best interests because they don’t care about them or think about anyone else but themselves.

To see if someone is truly nice or just playing the part, look for the following signs:

Does he try to be friendly and engaging with others?

If so, this is a good sign because it shows that he genuinely cares about other people.

Does he do things that help other people?

If so, this is a good sign because it shows that he cares about other people.

Does he put other people’s needs first?

If so, this is a good sign because it shows that he cares about other people.

14) They can be really jealous.

If a guy sees that you’re talking to someone else, he might get jealous. He might turn into a jerk and start getting angry at you.

He might even start avoiding you or threatening to break up with you. This is not nice behavior. It’s called “jealousy.”

It’s normal to be jealous when someone gets close to you. But it’s not nice to act like an asshole because of jealousy.

Nice guys don’t get jealous because they are nice.

They get jealous because they care about you.

If they care about you, they will want to protect you from any threat that could hurt you.

That’s what makes them nice guys.

It’s important to understand why people are jealous when they get close to you.

This helps you avoid being taken advantage of by people who aren’t really your friends.

15) They can be supercritical.

You may have noticed that sometimes when you are dating a nice guy, he can seem critical or nitpicky about little things.

He might be very picky about what he will eat, where he will go, or even how he looks.

This can be upsetting if you aren’t used to someone being so critical of your every move and appearance.

This can be a sign that the nice guy isn’t actually being nice at all.

Instead of being sensitive to your needs and feelings, he is only trying to make himself look good by putting down others.

He is likely not even being nice because he is just too insecure to show his true self.

If this describes your situation, then it’s time to take a step back and reevaluate what is going on between you two.


And that’s it. The points above will help you gauge if your love prospect is being a truly nice guy or just pretending.

Keep in mind that despite a long history of being perceived as weak and less desirable, nice guys don’t finish last.

Don’t forget that there are lots of women out there who find them attractive and find them worthy of a relationship.

However, you have to remember that sometimes, being nice – or too nice for this matter – is not at all good. 

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

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