My boyfriend is an amazing man and I love him, but there’s something big missing.
He’s too nice!
Like, all the time.
I know this isn’t what people expect to hear, especially from a modern woman in today’s society, but my boyfriend is too respectful – and it’s driving me nuts.
I want to bring out the bad boy in him and let the “real man” come out and take charge, but I’m not sure how. If he just fakes it I won’t even be turned on!
So if you’re in my situation too I want to help us both find a solution!
My boyfriend is too respectful: 10 tips if you feel this is you
1) Find out what makes him tick
Men aren’t motivated by the same things as women.
Yes, both genders like food, sex, enjoying life, and finding a purpose and meaning. But on a deep ancestral level, men crave a more outer role. They want to protect and provide: to be seen and appreciated.
The fact is, however, that modern society has increasingly led away from these male roles in outer life.
A recent study from Canada’s Concordia University shows just how much men are losing their traditional grip on what it means to be a man.
“As the patriarchal advantage began to diminish in Western society, the number of female breadwinners began to exceed the number of male breadwinners.
Recent studies in Canada, the U.K. and the U.S. indicate that women are outnumbering men in university in just about every field.”
This can make men shrink back into their shells and feel that their typical masculine traits aren’t wanted or appreciated.
2) Be a bit more vulnerable
One way in which you can help your boyfriend see that his masculine qualities are accepted and wanted by you is to be a bit more vulnerable.
Women in today’s world are taught that they have to be “tough,” “successful” and define themselves by career achievement.
Don’t I know it…
Maybe it’s true. We can’t let men have all the goodies. But work is also stressful and tiring and putting on a tough face can cause guys to retreat away from their masculinity.
To bring that back out in him and make your boyfriend a bit less hesitant and respectful around you, try being a little more vulnerable.
Ask him to help you carry in the groceries, to take a look at the weird noise your car is making. Tell him you need him. Remark on his strong arms and how hot he looks. Compare him to a movie star who’s typically “manly.”
These are all small things you can do to show him that you love that he’s a man and you’re a woman.
3) Let his inner hero come out
Every man has an inner hero just waiting to come out.
It’s not him ripping off his shirt to reveal shredded abs and his superpower. It’s a lot more subtle than that.
The good news is you have the power to bring it out in him.
This “hero instinct”, as it’s been termed by leading relationship psychologist James Bauer, is a very real thing. Letting his inner hero come out is actually pretty simple and easy if you know how to do it – and if you don’t overdo it.
Compliment him, let him help you, show him your feminine side in various ways.
He’ll take charge naturally in the relationship as he feels you open to him emotionally (and physically).
4) Encourage him to have manly friends
Nothing gets your man’s inner manliness perked up like spending time with macho buddies.
If he’s got a small friend circle and not many guy friends then try to throw some suggestions his way:
He could join a pickup football league or meet your brother and his friend Ben who loves to customize motorbikes.
Or did he hear about the stock car racing and beer fest happening down at the local track?
When you encourage your guy to go to situations where he’s likely to meet friendly, masculine guys, then he’ll be more likely to start adopting their more dominant attitudes and behaviors.
It’s good for their mental and physical health. It also helps them embrace their more traditionally masculine side.
5) Try out some dirty jokes on him
Another thing to do if your boyfriend is too respectful is to try out some dirty jokes on him.
Tell him how his butt looks in the new jeans he bought and encourage him to reply with whatever’s on his mind.
Many guys these days are pretty scared of offending their girl or telling her a joke that will make her think he’s an asshole or a misogynist.
I mean, to be fair, some jokes probably should be off-limits.
But let him dip his toe in the water and tell a dirty joke or two. Once he’s warmed up he’ll dive in with some really good stuff that will bring out his inner bad boy.
“Regardless of the reasons, bad boys are notorious for telling the meanest jokes you’ve ever heard.
In all honesty, finding a bad boy whose jokes are on the darker/harsher side of things isn’t the worst thing in the world.”
6) Treat him like a man, not a random pal
Men like to be treated like a man in relationships. It triggers their hero instinct.
Many modern relationships turn into something more like friendship with sex. In my opinion, that’s pretty sad.
I know it’s not what I want with my handsome man. I want love, sex, interesting conversations, and all sorts of good stuff. That’s why treating him like a man – not a buddy – is so important.
Don’t talk to him the way you’d talk to a girlfriend of yours or your sibling. Talk to him like the love of your life.
Don’t give him slaps on the back and “hey there stranger” crap.
Give him bedroom eyes and slow, sensuous trailing of your fingers over his bicep while he reaches in the fridge.
Treat him like a man and he’ll start to become much more assertive with you in the relationship.
7) Boost up his macho interests
Push your guy into healthy guy friendships: that’s great.
Also, boost up his macho interests in general.
If he’s always expressed an interest in hunting, order him some camo gear online and send him info about a local hunting club.
If he’s been obsessed with volunteering at the local fire department for years but always been too busy, bring it up with him and help him think of ways you can schedule it in.
Even if his interest is ballroom dancing or learning to garden, there’s no reason these can’t be turned into something manly. The male dancer in ballroom can be a real stud!
Manly hobbies lead to manly men. Manly men treat women in a more masculine way.
If you want more ideas for your guy to embrace his masculine side, here’s a list of 75 masculine hobbies from classic car restoration to geocaching from the Art of Manliness.
8) Bad boys attract women for a reason – and it’s not “looks”
From the man’s point of view, the reason girls can’t resist a bad boy is that a bad boy doesn’t care what they think. I can confirm that it’s super hot…
Writer Gerald Matiri calls it a “devil-may-care attitude.”
I think he’s right. The attractive thing about a bad boy isn’t that he doesn’t “care” about you, it’s that his attitude and ongoing behavior show he doesn’t depend on you for his validation.
He’s him and he owns that.
A man who depends on a woman for self-worth and validation begins to feel emasculated and comes across low-energy and less attractive.
It’s only once his inner manly man rises up that he begins to respect himself more and get your attention…
Like Matiri says:
“A common thing about bad boys is that they don’t pretend to be someone they’re not. Most nice guys act in a way that will portray them as sweeter, nicer, cooler, and more charming than their real self. They will act one way in a relationship and another way when they are around their family and friends.
Bad boys don’t pretend to be someone else in a relationship. Bad boys have no room for pretending to be who they are not in order to please a woman.”
If you want your boyfriend to take charge in the bedroom, in the relationship, and in his interactions with you then you need to know what it is that makes bad boys attractive.
9) Your boyfriend may have the wrong idea about what being a “bad boy” in a good way really means
There’s a type of “bad boy” who really is an asshole.
You know who I’m talking about: immature, naturally crude, aggressive, and stupid.
No guy wants to be like that and you don’t want a guy like that.
When I say my boyfriend is too respectful I don’t mean I want him to swear at me or call me a bitch when he gets stressed.
I mean that I want him to know he can flirt more with me, push my boundaries a bit, be naughty and make some of the important decisions in our relationship.
I want him to be a bad boy with balls, basically, not a bad boy with a faux-hawk and a bad temper.
“It’s important to note that Bad Boys come in all shapes, sizes, and ages.
As many women (and men) can attest to… age does not always equal maturity.”
This is sort of the popular media image of a bad boy. Your boyfriend may think this is what “manly men” are like and therefore be avoiding it on purpose.
This is why it’s important to bring up positive example of masculinity with him and show him that you know masculine men aren’t all losers and pushy creeps.
You can be masculine without being a total jerk!
10) Don’t go too easy on him
One mistake that many women make in relationships is confusing vulnerability with being undemanding.
When I advise you to be open and vulnerable to him, I don’t mean that you just tell him everything he does is the bee’s knees and that he’s your hero just for breathing.
He wants a challenge and to rise to the occasion.
Even if you’re just getting him to do small favors for you, show him that it’s going to take more than putting in a new lightbulb to truly impress you.
Give him a little wink and a nod when he shows his inner man, but let him know that you know there’s more man deep inside there waiting to come out.
If you want his inner masculine nature to emerge you need to give it something to sharpen its teeth on.
Don’t be too eager for him or too open to praising him overly easily.
“Men love a bit of a challenge so don’t make things too easy for him, don’t play mind games with him but don’t let him have you straight away easier.
If he cannot predict your next actions he won’t be able to stop thinking about you.”
No more Mr. Nice Guy
Now that I’ve gone over these 10 tips, I hope I’ve given you some ideas.
If you can tap into a man’s hero instinct you can enjoy the best of both worlds: a man who takes charge and is a bit naughty, but who also still treats you well at a fundamental level.
It’s stupendous to have a guy who treats you well and respects you, but now and then us girls want a little playful slap on the ass and a little bit of bad boy to come out of the shadows.
Am I wrong?
Once I apply some of the tips above I’m pretty confident he’s going to get the message: no more Mr. Nice Guy!
And I hope your boyfriend gets the message too.
Yes, my boyfriend is too respectful…but he won’t be for long!
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.