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My boyfriend is not a deep thinker.
That’s just a fact. It drives me nuts sometimes actually.
I tried to change it for years now and give his brain a workout, but lately, I’ve come to see it in a whole new way.
His lack of depth on philosophical and intellectual issues is actually a blessing.
Here are 10 reasons you’re really lucky if your boyfriend is not a deep thinker
1) Deep thinkers overthink relationships and love
There’s a romantic, mysterious image of a deep thinker that many women may have:
A brooding, ultra-intelligent guy writing existential poetry in a sublime Parisian cafe while sipping on a very specific type of latte.
He’s thinking about the philosopher Slavoj Žižek and why happiness is bullshit.
But the reality of deep thinkers is different – and much less exciting.
Deep thinkers tend to come up with fascinating concepts and theories but be much less capable in love.
Relationships are something that is not easy for a deep thinker. They obsess over them, intellectualize them and pick them apart.
The Power of Silence puts it well:
“It’s more natural for them to rationalize their feelings than to follow their hearts.”
2) Deep thinkers are overly picky about dating
Well, I mentioned it above but it bears repeating: deep thinkers are usually really picky and weird about love.
My boyfriend is not a deep thinker, but he takes the good with the bad. He accepts and works with me during my rough moments and is there to cheer me on in my best moments.
I’ve had “deep thinker” type partners in the past and while there was some kind of intellectual fire burning for sure they were also really perfectionists in so many ways.
They wanted me to live up to some ideal in their head and the smallest thing would set them off and lead to weeks of awkwardness.
The problem with deep thinkers is that they can easily turn that big brain from solving climate change or social issues into “solving” you.
And that usually means being a dick to you.
I don’t have that problem with my current non-deep-thinker guy whatsoever (hallelujah).
3) Deep thinkers can be very oversensitive
There’s a theory that I’ve come up with about deep thinkers based on my own experience.
My theory is this:
Deep thinkers sometimes over-intellectualize because they can’t handle their own emotions.
For those of us who admire these deep thinker guys or find them impressive, their words and thoughts make us astounded. What a beautiful mind, we think…
But being in a relationship with one of these specimens shows you the other side of the coin: a man who is emotionally stunted and uses big theories to hide from life and love.
Simpler guys don’t use their thoughts to hide from emotion.
Sometimes they use other negative coping mechanisms, but that’s another issue. The positive thing here is that your non-deep-thinker boyfriend is not going to cloak his issues in big words and excuses.
So your boyfriend is not a deep thinker? Like I said, you’re really lucky if this is you!
4) Deep thinkers are so self-aware it becomes toxic
Deep thinkers are often quite humble in that they know they aren’t perfect.
This can come across really appealing to a potential partner, especially if the man in question is a powerful sigma male.
“I’ve hit the jackpot!” she says to herself, gazing at a man with a fashionable scarf as he regales her with stories about his quest for truth.
What she’s actually hit is a guy who’s so aware of his own faults and himself that he’s borderline self-obsessed.
He’s become so focused on what’s not good enough about him and his weak spots that he’s consciously searching for a woman who will fill a “role” to fix him.
Never believe that a deep thinker is above codependency; in fact, it’s often deep thinkers who are most vulnerable to becoming awfully codependent on an emotional level.
“It’s a very common thing for deep thinkers to use their relationships as a healing mechanism.
They’re perfectly well aware of their weaknesses, insecurities and vulnerabilities, which is why they often get into relationships so as to fill voids in their lives.”
5) Deep thinkers tend to be forgetful of romantic things
Deep thinkers can be really negligent in relationships because they’re busy.
What are they busy with? Well, basically, they’re usually busy…thinking deeply, in one form or another.
“Your deep thinker spouse might love you to bits, but has surely forgotten an anniversary, birthday, or failed to turn up to your parent’s place for Sunday dinner.
They forget to meet social obligations because these things don’t matter to them that much, i.e., socializing isn’t high on their list of priorities,”
My non-genius boyfriend never forgets a special date or what my favorite food is.
He’s there for me when I need it and he always has that extra little bit of conscientiousness that makes me assured he cares about me and has my back.
Deep thinkers can be remarkably shallow in actual relationships.
6) Deep thinkers get lost easily in fantasy land
Deep thinkers are the kind of people who invented Artificial Intelligence, write masterworks of literature and change our perception of reality and society.
They are vital for the world to keep progressing and humanity to keep learning.
However, deep thinkers don’t do as well in love because they get lost in the imaginary worlds they create.
AI may be amazing and effective when it comes to machine learning and our economy, but it doesn’t fix a failing relationship.
“Alexa, please tell my girlfriend I am angry at her but still love her.”
Natch.
“Deep thinkers exist because they are most in love with the worlds they can create within their minds. When a reality they choose disrupts their fantasies, it can be traumatizing,”
That’s it right there.
7) Deep thinkers are scared of love
A lot of deep thinkers hide from their feelings in big thoughts.
When you realize that in a relationship it’s like ripping the mask off a clown and finding their real face is even scarier than their mask.
Deep thinkers aren’t only scared of negative and painful emotions, they’re scared of feeling too much joy as well.
There could be 100 reasons why:
- They come from a broken home and have seen good love go bad
- They were burned badly in the past and now fear strong passion
- Their big brain knows love is always a risk so they can’t stomach it
- They see your faults and therefore don’t want to get too invested
And so much more…
But it all comes back to this:
Guys who are less in their heads will take a chance, but in many situations, deep thinkers are scared of love.
8) Deep thinkers tend to be commitment-phobic
Because of their constantly whirring mind, deep thinkers can be really commitment-phobic.
Even when they start dating you and getting interested you’ll notice they suddenly pull back and have doubts.
It’s maddening.
“It’s more common for a deep thinker to have a longer string of almost relationships and would be partners than serious failed relationships, because they are more likely to analyze and evaluate before they really commit,”
This is why I feel so lucky that my boyfriend is not a deep thinker.
9) Real romance starts with realizing nobody’s perfect
When you date a deep thinker, you date someone who’s very head-centered.
They have strong emotions underneath as I mentioned, but they guard them carefully and cloak them in all sorts of big words.
This can lead to very “surface” relationships.
That’s actually the irony is that dating someone deep can leave you in a very shallow situation where you’re living up to some idealized image.
The truth is that realizing nobody – and no relationship – is perfect is actually a great thing!
“Everyone who has found themselves in the squishy middle part of a long-term relationship has realized, with whatever degree of existential, mind-melting horror or comfy acceptance, that the person you love and are committed to is, in some intractable way, not everything,”
10) Deep thinker dudes rarely let anyone past their outer ‘shell’
Deep thinkers can be amazing partners for a very specific kind of lady in a very specific time in her life.
But they are much harder to “crack.”
That’s because even though they’re usually very self-aware, their mind is like a bank vault.
Inside are all their deep experiences, traumas, joys and passions, but they guard that key zealously.
Many women – myself included – have spent years trying to get the key and take a look, but even when we got a peek our sensitive, deep guy freaked out and shut down even harder.
That’s part of why I’m so glad I’m now with a man who’s willing to truly open himself to me.
“The moment you realize he is never going to fully let you in is going to be the moment you have to decide if you are content with that or if you should move on for your own sanity,” explains Cashie Rohaly.
The difference between shallow and simple
We live in a world where many people are shallow and fake.
Ain’t none of us got time for that shit, especially dating someone who’s fake or shallow.
“It’s becoming more and more difficult to make friends with genuine and deep people who don’t have hidden motives.
Sadly, the consumer mindset has changed much more than just the way we see material objects. It has also altered the way we see each other.”
But having a boyfriend who’s simple or less intellectual is not the same thing at all.
My boyfriend is a simple man and I love him to bits. His heart is so pure and genuine, I know I can trust him, and our chemistry is undeniable.
He’s the opposite of shallow or fake.
I realized that for years I was chasing an idea I had of my perfect match and twin flame that was actually way off base.
What I really wanted was someone I felt deeply connected to and loved without all the perfectionism and intellectual fantasies.
My boyfriend is not a deep thinker and I couldn’t be luckier.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
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