“All guys care about is sex.”
Raise your hand if you’ve heard that one before.
For years I was convinced it was true for 99% of guys – until I started experiencing the exact opposite problem.
Let me be blunt: my boyfriend doesn’t seem interested in me sexually.
Before you ask, yes he used to be into me sexually. Very into me.
Fortunately, I’ve started to turn things around, and we’re not headed for Breakupville.
Thanks to some important realizations and expert advice and research resources I’ve been able to figure out what was going on and make it better.
And that’s why I’m going to explain 11 potential reasons why your boyfriend doesn’t seem interested in you sexually and 10 surefire ways to turn the heat back on.
Is he really done with me?
If you’re wondering whether your boyfriend will ever touch you again it can be an awful feeling.
You feel anxious, unworthy and sad. I’ve felt it myself.
Is he just pretending to care?
This guide is going to help explain his behavior.
You will learn:
Why he went from hot to cold for apparently no reason;
What it means when he always says he’s “tired”;
Why he seems bored with your body but eyes up other women 24/7;
What to do to crank the intimacy back up to 11;
Why you should never blame yourself or try too hard to get him back into you.
So if you’re wondering: “why doesn’t my boyfriend seem interested in me sexually?” then I’m here to answer that question – and to provide solutions.
These took me a while to really figure out, but now that I’m “fully briefed” I’m comfortable writing about the reasons my boyfriend didn’t seem into me sexually and what to do about it.
11 reasons my boyfriend doesn’t seem interested in me sexually
1) He has physical issues
It’s not usually the most likely reason, but it’s something you should check first.
If your boyfriend is having physical issues then he doesn’t seem into you sexually because his physical body isn’t responding normally to stimuli.
This is generally not an issue unless he’s a bit older in age, but it is possible that he’s having a decrease in his testosterone levels and issues with blood pressure and other problems that can sap the sex drive.
With younger men, erectile dysfunction is almost always because of psychological causes, but there are exceptions.
If your boyfriend is having erectile and sex drive issues but also doesn’t know why then the best idea is to visit an urologist and find out what’s wrong.
2) He’s stuck in his head
Performance anxiety is a real thing.
Some women may think it’s just an excuse for a guy, but in some cases he really does get stuck in his head.
Sex is most enjoyable when you’re in the moment and enjoying the sensations and intimacy.
But if he’s started becoming anxious about when he will orgasm, how much you’re enjoying yourself, the size of his dick, other guys you’ve been with or many other things then he may start to drift away from the bedroom and become more sexually distant.
The best way to get over this is to start communicating openly about it and let your guy know that it’s ok not to be ok and that you’re there to help him have all the time or help he needs.
Sexologist Leigh Noren has great advice about it, writing that:
“One of the keys to sexual well-being and true intimacy in a relationship is emotional connection…One important factor in having a happy relationship is strengthening your emotional bond. Another important ingredient is healthy communication – about everything – even sex.”
3) He’s been going on too many dates with Pamela Handerson
Masturbation can be a healthy and erotic activity.
But some guys overdo it.
Too many dates with Pamela Handerson can drain the sex drive like a popped balloon.
If your guy is over-indulging in porn or engaging in multiple daily bouts of hand to gland combat then it could be the reason he doesn’t seem interested in you sexually.
He’s already getting his fix. From his hand.
In this case, it’s best to just bring it up a bit as a joke and try to ease into the subject.
“Save a little bit of sexy time for me and not just your hand, hm hun?” or “I’m starting to wonder if I should be jealous of your hand” are good ways to broach the subject as long as they’re done with a smile and in an easygoing way.
If your boyfriend has actual porn addiction or a serious masturbation compulsion that’s more serious and can cause erectile dysfunction and all sorts of other problems.
If he is addicted to porn he should seek counseling and help.
As sex addiction therapist Janie Lacy explains, masturbation can go too far:
“These points are not about whether masturbation itself is healthy or unhealthy, but rather when it could potentially damage the relationship. Either together or with the help of a therapist, couples should discuss their views on masturbation in their relationship and come to an agreement that both parties feel comfortable with.”
4) His hero instinct is absent
Every man has an inner hero.
Thanks to the groundbreaking research of relationship psychologist James Bauer, thousands of women finally understand the inner workings of the male mind.
The hero instinct is James Bauer’s new concept that explains how men think about their relationships and their sex life.
Basically, men are wired to protect and provide for the woman they care about.
Even in our modern age of equality, making a man feel needed, appreciated, and —yes — even heroic, can do wonders for boosting his physical and emotional attraction towards you.
If you’re not feeding this very natural male ego, then he can lose sexual interest pretty quickly.
The good news is that his hero instinct can be triggered easily — he doesn’t need to save you from a burning building or rescue you from a mountain lion.
To learn how to trigger the hero instinct in your man and give your sex life a big boost along the way, check out this free online video.
James Bauer gives a terrific introduction to his concept.
I don’t often buy into popular new concepts in psychology or recommend videos. However, I think the hero instinct can be a game changer when it comes to getting your boyfriend to be more interested in you sexually.
5) He’s suffering from depression or anxiety
Nothing kills the mood like being really depressed or anxious.
Although sex can help alleviate both, it’s not something you usually feel like doing if you’re down in the dumps or sweating bricks about the future and other worries.
If he’s had a recent traumatic life event or something else is bothering him including family problems, business issues or more then his mind could be way off track with sex thoughts.
In this case, it’s not you, it really is him.
Encourage your boyfriend to get treatment and help if he’s suffering from anxiety or depression.
Improving these problems will go a long way to boosting your sex life back up as well.
6) He wants to wait
If you haven’t had sex with your boyfriend yet but he still doesn’t seem to want to it could simply be that he wants to wait.
Whether it’s for spiritual, religious, or personal reasons, he may have beliefs about sexual intimacy and when to initiate it.
This is especially likely if he comes from a traditional culture or has been raised with conservative views of sex.
In this case, it is best to be understanding and start slow – massage can be very intimate.
If your boyfriend wants to wait and doesn’t seem into you sexually it could just be that he’s very shy about sex or believes you should wait until marriage.
7) He’s upset at you and the relationship is in a rough patch
Sometimes sex can be the thermometer for the whole relationship. When I was most worried about why my boyfriend doesn’t seem interested in me sexually it took me a while to realize it was related to bigger issues in our relationship.
As Zahra Barnes writes:
“Feeling like your partner doesn’t appreciate you damages your connection with each other, which only compounds the problem.”
Once we started to work through those the sex life started to come back from the dead, too.
It’s hard to have sex and enjoy it when you’re angry at someone, disappointed in them, or upset at them in some way.
Intimacy is amazing and the sexual link between a couple can be a power core of a relationship, but once it goes dry or has issues it isn’t always easy to restart.
And in many cases, it’s directly tied to bigger problems, misunderstandings, and relationship anxieties.
8) He’s cheating on you
If your boyfriend is cheating on you then it can be a classic reason why he doesn’t seem interested in you sexually.
Because he’s getting that honey elsewhere.
This is obviously a code red situation, and even if he’s doing it “just” for sex and still loves you it is emotionally devastating not to mention physically dangerous in terms of STDs and the potential of unintended pregnancy with another woman.
Whether it’s with strippers, escorts, a woman at work, or just a friend, if he’s cheating on you then you deserve to know.
In my opinion, cheating also includes sexting relationships and him sending dick pics and naughty talk with other women without your consent.
Want to know if he’s cheating?
Raymond Green has tips, notes two potential indicators. One is that he “has been acting emotionally distant and withdrawn. But when you ask about it, he doesn’t want to discuss it and becomes very protective of his privacy” and he also “seems disinterested and distracted during sex.” These are two big potential signs he may be cheating.
9) He’s worried he’s not doing his ‘job’
What do you think men really want from a woman when it comes to sex and intimacy?
A firecracker in bed? A woman with a flat tummy and big chest?
Spoiler alert: men don’t really care for these ‘qualities’ at all.
Because when it comes to sex, what men really want is for their prowess to be validated. That he’s satisfying the woman he cares about.
In other words, men want to feel like they’re doing their ‘job’ as a man.
Nothing makes a man feel more masculine than satisfying his woman. Men are hardwired to make women happy. Doing this gives them the sense of meaning and purpose they crave.
When men feel like they’re not doing their ‘job’ in the bedroom, they can pull away. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is seemingly going well in other areas.
Even if your boyfriend appears to have lost interest in you sexually, there are certain things you can do for him that will feed this very natural male ego.
Felicity Keith is a 42-year old soccer mum who struggled for a long time with low self-esteem between the sheets.
Now a global relationship coach in demand, Felicity teaches women how to seize control of their relationship by capturing their man’s mind and imagination.
If you want “tried and tested” words, phrases, and text messages to make him feel like he’s doing his ‘job’, even when you guys aren’t having regular sex, you don’t want to miss her new video.
10) You just don’t turn him on anymore
I know it’s the last thing you want to hear but one of the reasons your boyfriend may not seem interested in you anymore sexually is just because he’s not turned on by you anymore.
This doesn’t mean you gained weight or “look bad” or anything else.
There may be signs you notice all over your relationship of him losing overall attraction for you and this will also carry over into the bedroom.
If you don’t turn your boyfriend on anymore it’s not your fault, but I know it can be a humiliating and depressing situation..
11) Your sexual relationship has become one-sided
Sex is a two-way street (full of nice palm trees and flowers and happy people). If your sexual relationship has become one-sided it can stop him in his tracks.
If he’s always the one who initiates he can start to feel like you’re not into it and turn his attention everywhere.
On the other hand, if you’re always the one who decides when it’s time for intimacy this can also turn him off.
There needs to be a balance, and the same goes for exploring your desires together and enjoying your time in the bedroom (or on the couch, or whatever your thing is).
Communicate clearly about what you like and pay attention to what turns him on. If he’s a good boyfriend he’ll do the same for you.
What should I do if my boyfriend doesn’t seem interested in me sexually?
This is the big question.
If you’re lying awake at night worrying my boyfriend doesn’t seem interested in me sexually then you want to know how to fix it.
Fortunately, there are a number of ways to go about resolving the issues if your boyfriend isn’t sweating up the sheets with you.
Here’s a look at 11 ways to improve the situation.
1) Identify the Problem
The first thing you should do if your boyfriend doesn’t seem interested in you sexually is figuring out why.
Sometimes this can be easier said than done, and many guys aren’t super communicative – I get that.
Try to be observant and sensitive. Don’t ask him what’s wrong in a way like it’s an accusation.
Ask like a loving girlfriend who just wants to know what’s up and why he’s not into sex lately.
Because that’s what you are.
2) Trigger his hero instinct
A quick and easy way to boost the sexual intimacy in your relationship is to trigger his hero instinct.
I mentioned this concept above.
Simply put, men want to be an everyday hero to the woman he cares about. He wants to step up to the plate and be there for her.
This is deeply rooted in his biology.
I know it sounds a bit silly. In modern times, women don’t need someone to be their “hero” to save the day.
But here’s the ironic truth. Men do still need to feel like they are a hero. Because it’s built into their DNA to seek out a relationship with a woman that makes them feel like one.
By triggering his hero instinct, he’ll see you in a whole new light. Because you’re providing him with something he needs to be satisfied in a relationship.
To learn the words you can use, phrases you can say, and texts you can send to trigger the hero instinct in your guy, check out this excellent free video.
3) Communicate openly
Open communication is the key to finding out what’s wrong, so make it a priority to be understanding and let him feel comfortable talking freely.
Life and sex can be complicated – and emotional- subjects, and he may sometimes need a bit of space to open up as well as the certainty that it’s OK to talk about what’s going wrong with him.
If he makes vague statements like being busy at work or generally stressed try not to push the subject.
Give him space and show him he can trust you so that he begins to open up more.
Even if he says things you don’t want to hear such as admitting an affair, talking about porn addiction or saying his feelings for you have changed, you’re going to be better off hearing what’s really going on than excuses.
4) Get on the same page
Even in serious relationships, it’s very possible to be on different pages about many things.
Your boyfriend might not want the same future as you do.
He might see the relationship a lot differently than you think.
Or he may just be completely focused on other things and not have the energy or interest to dedicate himself to your relationship.
You need to get on the same page before you can really move forward on sexual – or any other – issues.
As the College of Relationship and Sexual Issues notes:
“There are many reasons why lack of sexual desire occurs. Life events such as bereavement, pressure at work and day-to-day stresses may mean that sex becomes of secondary importance. A difficult childbirth may also cause loss of desire, and new mums may be so overwhelmed by caring for a new baby that they lose themselves for a while.
Loss of desire is also a well-known side effect of some medications, such as antidepressants, and depressive illnesses. Sometimes losing interest in sex can be a response to dissatisfaction, disappointment, anger or unhappiness in your relationship as a couple as a result of communication difficulties.”
5) Light his fire
Something brought you together in the first place.
Not only your personal connection but hopefully a strong physical attraction as well.
Rekindle that fire. Dress sexy for him the next time he comes home or give him a massage with oil that leaves him melting.
Even if he doesn’t seem to care about sex anymore on the surface, underneath there is still the guy you fell in love with.
And if he’s still got any of that desire he feels for you hiding underneath his cold exterior then it’s going to bubble up in streaming lava once you coax it a little.
Light his fire and watch the fireworks explode.
6) Spice things up
Sex should never be a chore.
For you or for him.
Spice things up in a variety of ways:
Roleplay and fun stories and games you play;
Dressing ultra-sexy to make his jaw hit the floor;
Watching porn together and discussing your fantasies;
Try new positions, new sexual activities and talk to him about what turns him on.
If he feels comfortable he’ll tell you what turns him on – and if nothing does then there’s definitely a deeper problem under the surface in your relationship.
7) Get help
Sex therapists can be incredibly helpful and I recommend them if you’re in a relationship that’s headed for sexlessness.
There’s a perception that sex therapists are sleazy or just kind of sit there, but the truth is they can have very helpful insights and suggestions.
They never push or force advice on you, but a good sex therapist is surprisingly skilled at figuring out root issues that are driving you and your partner apart.
I urge everyone having sex problems in their relationship to give it a try.
As one of the best sex therapists Dr. Ruth Westheimer puts it:
“When it comes to sex, the most important six inches are the ones between the ears.”
8) Be a little harder to get
Sometimes a relationship can leave a guy feeling entitled.
Sex becomes so easy for him to get that he no longer appreciates he.
In fact, he starts to barely even get turned on by it and want something “new.”
This is an unfortunate fact of life for many guys, especially in our Tinder age of swipes and endless variety.
If you make sex a little harder to get and leave him wanting more then he’s likely to start getting more turned on again and lusting after you like he used to do.
Jessica Blake explains it well:
“You could be at a salsa class or out with your best friends but when the guy calls, you choose to go out with him rather than enjoy what you were doing. This only sends the message that your life’s boring, which it isn’t! Remember: there’s nothing more attractive than a woman who has a life she loves.”
9) Change your look
It sounds shallow, but sometimes changing your look can flip him from complacent to chomping at the bit.
Try out a new sundress or pair of yoga pants;
Buy some scarlet lingerie and see what he thinks when you drop your clothes;
He’s going to notice.
Change your hairstyle, try new eyeliner and seek out beauty tips that will let your natural beauty shine out.
This process isn’t about “proving yourself” or being good enough. It’s more just trying out things you would want to do anyway because he’ll love how great you look and your exciting new appearance.
10) Seduce him by voice and text
Your voice and your words are powerful.
They can get him ready to camp in his pants (pitch a tent) in only seconds.
Test out some flirting and sexting strategies and send him naughty messages on his lunch break.
If you’re poetically inclined send him little poems about how you want him to undress you and caress your curves…
There’s a lot of potentials to rekindle his interest in sex by using your words and images.
11) Accept things if it’s time to call it quits
Sometimes despite getting counseling and doing everything you can there’s nothing there to rekindle.
Part of resolving a lack of intimacy in your relationship can be accepted when it’s time to move on.
As sad as it is, a full lack of attraction from him is not something you should be expected to stomach for the rest of your life.
If he doesn’t want to love you anymore and there’s no way over that hurdle then sometimes it’s best to move on.
How to rekindle the flame
I really hope that this article has helped you to work out why your boyfriend doesn’t seem sexually interested in you.
I highly recommend the shaman Rudá Iandê’s free masterclass on finding true love and intimacy. I know it was a massive wake-up call for me and it reminded me of things I’d forgotten about how love really works…
I also found Rudá’s lessons on shamanic breathwork incredibly helpful. Breath is the link between our conscious and unconscious and it can be a bridge to inner healing and integration that’s often standing in the way of our own self-realization.
It’s not your fault;
Your boyfriend is not the measure of your worth;
You deserve love and true intimacy;
Never push anyone to validate or boost your inner worth;
Live life deeply and fully, loving yourself first.
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The real reason why men pull away
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