Is he intimidated by me or not interested? Here’s how to tell

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Many women are a force to be reckoned with and while that is great in the movies and makes you want to push your fist into the air and yell “girl power!”, the reality is that many women intimidate men to the point of being perpetually single.

If you worry that you’re intimidating guys right out of asking you on a date, this list can help you get clear on what’s the problem.

But the truth is that you don’t have to change a thing. Somewhere a guy is waiting for your badass self to appear so he can love you for everything you are and more.

First, we’ll go 12 signs that you’re intimidating guys, and then we’ll talk about 5 signs that show that he is just not interested.

1. They flirt but never follow through.

Every time a guy approaches you, he seems to be really into you but then he just walks away without asking for your number or asking you on a date.

What’s up with that?

It’s probably because you’re too much for him. Men are often intimidated by women who are strong, loud, opinionated, and independent. It’s his loss, hunny. 

2. They disappear mid-conversation. 

You might start into a conversation with a guy about a topic you’re really passionate about and all of a sudden you blink and he’s nowhere to be seen.

It happens. Guys catch a glimpse of a woman with a brain and an opinion and they want no part of it.

Don’t dumb it down just to get a guy. 

3. They want to step up (but can’t)

If you think your love life is suffering because you’re too intimidating, then you need to learn about a new concept in relationship psychology that’s generating a lot of buzz at the moment.

It goes to the heart of why some men commit wholeheartedly to a relationship — while other men pull away from intimidating women.

I’m talking about the hero instinct.

According to the hero instinct, men have a biological drive to provide for those he cares about, and the desire to earn respect from those around him.

This drive is amplified when it comes to women.

I don’t often buy into popular new concepts in psychology but the hero instinct is a fascinating take on what drives men romantically.

If you want to learn more, check out this excellent free video by James Bauer, the relationship expert who discovered it.

The interesting thing is that women can easily sabotage a relationship when they don’t allow a man to step up for them and act like a hero.

Your man wants to be there for you, help you when you need it, and protect you.

Are you letting him?

Because there are words you can say, phrases you can use, and little requests you can make to trigger this very natural instinct in him. James Bauer reveals what they are in his video.

If your goal is to be in a deep and passionate relationship with a man, I think learning about the hero instinct can make all the difference.

Here’s a link to the excellent free video again.

3. They seem nervous. 

He might be totally into you but he can’t get his own shit together enough to ask you out. He might be worried you’re too good for him or that you’ll laugh at him in front of other people.

Harsh? Sure. But probably a big worry for him if he’s not getting his thoughts out there. 

4. They get insulted. 

You can crack a joke with the best of them and maybe you use language they aren’t used to hearing women use and that’s enough to send him into a tizzy. 

Sounds silly, sure, but it happens. 

Guys pretend to like outgoing women but then when they find one, they realize that’s not really what they wanted. 

Don’t take it personally. That’s on him. 

5. They smile at you but never say anything. 

He might be nervous because your friends are gorgeous and you’re gorgeous and he has no idea what he’d say to you if he did try to talk so it’s better if he just says nothing. 

He might be waiting for you to walk up to him and ask him for a dance, but you’re not about to do that.  So he’s going to be smiling for a long time and you’re going to move on. 

6. Eye contact? What eye contact? 

He just can’t look you in the eye, no matter how hard he tries. Forget him. You want a man that can gaze lovingly into your eyes and get turned on, not freaked out. 

7. They seem jealous. 

He might not be able to tell you how he feels if he’s intimidated by you or worried you’ll reject him, but you’ll have your answer to the question of whether or not he likes you when he starts to show his true colors around other men. 

He won’t like it when you talk to other people, but yet, here he is, unable to talk to you himself.

Talk about frustrating. 

8. They can’t talk to you. 

See above. Everything points to this guy wanting to be with you but you’re just too much for him.  That’s fine. He’ll come around to his senses or he won’t but you’ll probably be already leaving with someone else. 

The reality is most women don’t know what men are thinking, what they want in life, and what they really crave from a relationship.

And the reason is simple.

Male and female brains are biologically different

One big difference is that the limbic system (the part of the brain that regulates our emotions) is much larger in female brains and male ones.

This is why women are generally more in touch with their emotions and men can struggle to deal with complicated feelings, such as falling in love.

I learned this from relationship guru Carlos Cavallo. He’s one of the world’s leading experts male psychology and what men want from relationships.

If your man won’t talk to you, watch Carlos’s simple and genuine video here.

Most men don’t think about relationships in a logical way. At least not in the way women do.

What men really care about is how the relationship makes them feel.

The simple truth is that your man wants to feel like he’s found the absolute best woman for him. Like he’s won the game of love.

Carlos Cavallo will show exactly how to do that. In his new video, he’ll show you a simple and genuine way to give your man this unique feeling…

Here’s a link to his free video again.

9. They don’t like your new date. 

His competitive side comes out when he realizes you’re on a date with someone else and he’ll start cutting that guy down to size pretty quick. His buddies will give him a hard time for letting you go, but he really has no idea what to do with a woman who has got her shit together.

Guys like it when girls need them. Not the other way around.

10. Everything is awkward. 

No matter how hard he tries, he can’t say or do the right thing.

Tongue-tied is an understatement for this guy.  He tires, God love him, but it just doesn’t come outright. 

It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It just means he needs to do a lot of growing up before he’s ready to be with someone like you. 

11. He can’t look you in the eye 

Well, this is a surefire give away isn’t it?

When you’re intimidated by someone, it’s difficult to look them directly in the eye. It shows that he is nervous when he is speaking with you and the more he looks you directly in the eye, the more nervous he gets.

But if he is a brave guy, he’ll still approach you. He just won’t be able to gaze at your eyes for an extended period of time!

It’s kind of cute in a way.

12. He makes an excuse to suddenly leave 

Some men can’t handle having their manhood questioned. If you’re totally overshadowing him in terms of your confidence and attitude, then his ego will be taking a hit. As a defense mechanism, he’ll want to get the hell out of there! 

After all, he needs to protect his most valuable commodity: His ego. 

On the other hand, here the signs that he is not interested

1. His friends know nothing about you

When y’all get together, his friends hardly even know you are you. He has never mentioned to you.  They know nothing about you and they don’t even care that it’s awkward for you to meet them.

He kind of hoped they wouldn’t do that, yet here we are: he’s into you and he likes you more than a friend.

2. He’s not acting like your hero

A sure-fire sign that a guy wants a relationship with you is when he wants to step up to the plate for you. He protects you from the big and little things in life, provides you emotional support, and acts like your rock.

In other words, he acts like your hero.

I don’t mean an action hero like Thor, but an everyday hero who provides you something no other man can. If a man is just intimidated by you he’ll probably go out of his way to do things for you, like open the door for you or put his body on the side of the traffic.

Unfortunately, when he isn’t doing any of that, it’s a pretty clear sign that he doesn’t want a relationship with you right now.

There’s actually a new theory in relationship psychology that goes to the heart of why men want to step up for some women but not others.

It’s called the hero instinct. I mentioned this above.

According to the hero instinct, men have a biological drive to live a life full of meaning, to provide for those he cares about, and the desire to earn respect from those around him.

And this drive is amplified in their romantic relationships.

James Bauer is the relationship expert who first coined the term. Click here to watch his excellent video about the hero instinct.

The interesting thing is that you can actually trigger the hero instinct in your guy.

There are words you can say, phrases you can use, and little requests you can make to trigger this very natural instinct in him.

I don’t often buy into popular new concepts in psychology or recommend videos. But if you want your guy to throw himself into your relationship, I think learning about the hero instinct can make all the difference.

Here’s a link to his video again.

3. You’re the one putting in all the effort

If your text message conversations look more blue than the 2020 electoral map and you find yourself constantly being the one to initiate seeing each other, it’s probably because there’s an imbalance of interest levels.

You can’t stop thinking about him, but he doesn’t seem to think about you. Ever. 

There’s nothing wrong with making the first move or enjoying being the one to make the plans in a relationship, but there needs to be a give and take.

Whereas a guy that is intimated by you will always reply back to you and at least try to engage with you, a guy that isn’t interested will simply forget to reply back.

The amount of effort he puts in is a big indicator of the amount of interest he has for you.

If he wants to see you or talk to you, he would reach out.

4. Plans are often canceled

If he’s not willing to commit to Tuesday night drinks, he’s probably not willing to commit to you. You see, if he is just intimidated by you, he will still want to see you because he knows he might not get many chances to have a date with you.

So you know he doesn’t like you if even when plans are managed to be made, they’re far too often rescheduled or just cancelled all together. His excuses might be vague, like he’s “not feeling great” or “something came up at work”, and he doesn’t come up with any alternative solution or rain check.

The only time flakiness has a place in a solid relationship is if he’s bringing you a pastry with your morning coffee.

5. He’s hot and cold

One week things are feeling good. He’s been texting you, asking about your day and even sending a flirty snap or two.

Then the weekend comes and it’s radio silence. Your last question remains unanswered and you find yourself repeatedly checking your messages for that text bubble that never comes.

Sometimes he wants you passionately and other times, he just doesn’t want sex at all.

Yes, perhaps he is fighting his feelings for you, and that is why he seems to be so inconsistent. 

A couple of days or even a week go by with no contact and then one morning you wake up to a text from him and it’s right back to how it was before.

With no explanation beyond maybe a “things have been crazy” tossed out there, you’re left racking your brain trying to figure out if it was anything you did or said.

Typically when guys go MIA like this, it’s because you’re not their top priority.

Whether he’s been pursuing other romantic options or simply spending time with his friends, it’s a strong indication that he’s focused on what he wants and when he wants it, and definitely not on a relationship with you.

Is He Intimidated By You or Turned Off By You? The Real Question to Ask

Is he intimidated by you or is he turned off by you?

Look, perhaps you’ve identified with some of the signs above. You might be wondering what’s wrong with this guy who won’t make a move and you might be inclined to blame yourself or sell yourself a story about how you’re a strong independent woman and that turns him off.

The truth is that being intimidated by you and being turned off by you are the same thing.

If he is intimidated by you, there’s not much you can do to ease up and get him to step up and accept you the way you are. If he is turned off by it, then there’s no need to pander to him.

Which begs the question: what’s the real problem? Let’s explore that here now.

The story of strength and independence

Many women have been raised by doting mothers who preach about strength, independence, and being able to take care of themselves. That’s one story.

The other story they feed you is that you should look for a man and get married and be happy.

It’s a hard line to walk, and it’s not their fault – their mothers did the same thing to them. But it is exhausting and it has certainly screwed up more than one strong, independent woman who wonders why her strength and independence are not making her happy.

Something always seems to be missing, no matter what. And that something, whether you want to admit it or not, is usually a man or partner of some kind.

So when you meet a guy you’re interested in and he seems put off by you, you might be telling yourself the story of strength and independence. You might try to sell yourself the story that he is intimidated by you and you don’t need that in your life. But then you walk away feeling lonely and left out and feeling like there must be something wrong with you because you did what your mother said and yet, you’re still unhappy.

In the same vein, your independence turns him off and you wonder if you should pander to his needs.

You know, do you play the damsel in distress? Do you create drama to get his attention?

The hard truth here is that it might not be your strength and independence that is turning him off.

It might be that you are acting like you don’t need him and sending him signals that you’re perfectly fine on your own.

But how do you play into interest without losing your independence? Well, for starters, nobody said you had to shack up with this guy and cook his every meal as soon as you meet him – or ever, for that matter.

You’re backing yourself into a corner with only two choices here: you’re pretending you can either be strong and independent OR you can either be happy with a man.

But why can’t you be a strong and independent woman who is happy in her relationship?

This paradox happens and leaves women wanting because they don’t consider the possibilities of both sides of the story. It seems like it needs to be one or the other and if you aren’t pandering to a man, you must be strong, and if you’re pandering to a man, you must be weak.

The truth is that we make these stories up to keep ourselves small, single, and miserable. You don’t have to change who you are to be with someone. You can keep what makes you you and still be happy with someone on your arm.

So the next time you wonder if he’s intimidated by you, consider that you might be actually sending him signals that make him feel like you don’t want him around.

It’s not an easy pill to swallow but being in a relationship means taking responsibility for how you show up and what you put out into the world. It’s a good starting point and it can help you get what you want without giving up who you are. It just requires you to be aware that he might not be the problem.

You can keep telling yourself that he’s the problem or that any guy who is intimidated by you is the problem, but eventually, you might have to look in the mirror and ask yourself what you’re doing to drive people away.  

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

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