Promise you won’t judge me, but I have something to admit:
I want to cheat on my boyfriend.
In fact, I’m actively planning to cheat on my boyfriend.
This got me thinking about what it means and the pros and cons.
If you’re in a similar situation you’ll understand exactly what I’m getting at.
Here’s the ugly truth…10 reasons I should cheat on my boyfriend and 5 reasons I shouldn’t.
I want to cheat on my boyfriend: here’s why
1) He’s not meeting my needs
I want to cheat on my boyfriend because he’s not meeting my needs.
He’s not meeting them at all.
Maybe I sound entitled, and maybe I am, but I feel emotionally, sexually and yes, financially unsatisfied.
My boyfriend is a penny pincher and he’s also a bit of a stale fish in bed. He’s also become kind of boring in his not-so-old age.
It’s got me down and I want some action.
I want sizzling sex, fascinating conversations, a guy who can take me out to a classy jazz bar without scanning the cocktail prices like a hawk.
Am I a bad person for that?
Honestly, yes I probably am.
But I’m kind of over the whole idea of being a “good” person.
I want to be genuine and true to myself. And the truth is that my boyfriend isn’t doing it for me.
It’s like marriage therapist Christene Lozano says, “if you’re looking for someone else to emotionally or sexually satisfy you, it’s possible your partner’s not taking care of those needs.”
It’s not just possible, I can tell you straight up he’s definitely not taking care of my needs.
2) I like another guy more than him
Directly related to my previous comments, I’ve met another guy I’m more into.
We haven’t had sex yet, and we haven’t even done much physically, but I feel much more attracted to the new guy than I do to my boyfriend.
I know what you’re thinking: if you like another guy more than him then why don’t you just break up?
If only it were that easy…
Here’s why it’s complicated (I know, excuses, excuses…)
- We own a house together
- My boyfriend is best friends with my family
- I’ve been with him for four years, which is super long (at least for me).
- My boyfriend is close to my boss at work
- Even though I’m tired of my boyfriend I also know it would devastate me to say goodbye to him
I guess by now you’re getting the picture…
3) I feel trapped in my current relationship
But the reality is that I do feel trapped in my current relationship.
It’s all become so routine and predictable in a way I never would have imagined a couple of years ago.
My boyfriend is a nice guy and I can’t claim he’s “toxic” or “manipulative” or any of those other buzzwords.
He’s perfectly fine in most ways.
But I’m just plain tired of him.
He doesn’t turn me on anymore, almost at all. And I’m so tired of going through the motions like a robot on autopilot.
I want to cheat so badly.
Emma Maiorana has a great article about this that explains that “if there was ever a wavering feeling about your current relationship — feeling trapped, confusion or in my case (reason for breaking up with my boyfriend,) attraction to other boys — you sure as heck will know you no longer want to be with your less than significant other.”
4) I’m kind of over the whole monogamy thing
Another reason why I want to cheat on my boyfriend is that I’m kind of over the whole monogamy thing tbh (to be honest).
I know that sounds entitled, slutty, maybe a bunch of other bad things. Does it?
Hit me with your best shot, guys, I’m not going to pretend to be a paragon of moral virtue.
I am very interested in the idea of an open relationship, but I know they’re hard and my boyfriend would never agree to it.
The idea of being with one guy for the rest of my life kind of freaks me out.
Did I love my boyfriend at one point? Yes, I think I did!
But I’ve reached the point where I want to explore. I want somebody to rock my boat. I want to experience a one-woman sexual revolution.
Possible? I believe it is!
5) My boyfriend partly pressured me into getting serious when I didn’t want it
I know that the past should stay in the past. All good…
To be honest my boyfriend kind of pressured me into our relationship.
It’s not that I wasn’t into him, it’s just that I wanted to take things slow and he basically jacked our relationship up on steroids.
He wanted us to get serious fast.
He suggested moving in after eight months.
He made me feel so loved that I felt trapped.
It’s weird to say, but his focus on me has actually made me feel a burden instead of feeling joy.
Gabi Conti has a good article about it, writing “the real point here is while cheating isn’t right, there are two sides to cheating.
“The side where the cheater messed up in a moment, and the other side where the cheater may have felt cheated on and trapped from the moment they got into this broken relationship but never spoke up out of fear.”
6) My boyfriend previously cheated on me, and fair is fair…
Now I’m going to start dragging out all the baggage, because why not?
I think of this like me making my case for why I’m justified to cheat.
This should really be exhibit one in Cheating Court: he did it to me first!
And his apology was lame as f***.
He said he was going through a tough time and he’d made a bad mistake. Oh, really, bud?
What about my tough time when I found out my guy who I loved was out hunting ass after work like he was on a one-man booty safari?
Want to know how I felt?
I won’t burden you with the details, but on a scale of 1 to 10 I wouldn’t have even registered I was so low.
I even had a psychologist say at the time that I had an anger problem.
Trust me hun, my anger problem is that my idiot boyfriend went and disrespected me by banging another girl for two months behind my back.
Maybe I should have just broken up with him then…
7) My boyfriend makes me feel neglected and unloved
Another of the main reasons why I want to cheat on my boyfriend is that he makes me feel neglected and unloved.
I know it’s unintentional, and I’m confident he’s not cheating again, but his daily behavior leaves a lot to be desired.
Our sex life is on life support, our conversations sound like people in their 90s and our romantic time together is nil.
We haven’t even been on any vacation in two years.
This feeling of neglect is something I’ve struggled with in past relationships as well, and one good thing it taught me is that I needed to focus on the relationship I have with myself.
8) My boyfriend’s life goals are way different from mine
Further in defense of my case: my boyfriend doesn’t want the same future as me anymore.
We used to talk about having kids and moving somewhere more outside the city, but in the past couple of years, he’s switched gears.
Now he’s all about career and any talk of a future family makes him look ill.
I’m starting to come around to his point of view, to be honest, because I don’t want to shack up and have kidlets with a dude who’s neglectful and boring either.
I’m about ready to part ways myself and I’m definitely ready to cheat.
But I just don’t know if I have it in me.
Still, the problems remain…
9) I don’t think I’m in love with my boyfriend anymore
By now it’s probably clear that the love lights are fading fast with me and my guy.
I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore, and that’s a big reason I want to cheat.
The thing is that I do still care about him, and I have some residual sentiments there…
But I’m not “in love,” not do I even love him in any real way…
I want the best for him, but I just don’t think we’re on the same page anymore.
At the same time, the idea of a dramatic breakup makes me feel a pit in my stomach and very depressed.
I just want to cheat, but I don’t know what would come next. I’ve never cheated before in a relationship, so this is new for me.
Like Crystal Raypole writes, “once the glitter fades, you might realize that the love just isn’t there.
“Or maybe you realize you’re in love with someone else.”
10) I feel a strong emotional bond with someone else
The guy I like isn’t only handsome, he’s also really interesting.
We’ve shared some deep conversations and moments together that go beyond physical attraction.
Am I falling for him? I couldn’t tell you, but as the eight ball says, “all signs point to yes.”
We are building an intimate connection and I don’t really want to just let it fall away.
I want to act on it.
Like Katherine Schafler explains, “intimacy doesn’t just happen, it’s built.
“If you’re sharing your emotional wins or woes with another person at the exclusion of your partner, that’s something to take note of.”
Trust me, I’ve taken note…
But it’s only making me want to cheat even more.
The five things holding me back from cheating on my boyfriend
1) I don’t want to act out of a fear-based response
One of the main reasons I haven’t cheated yet is that I don’t want to act out of fear.
I’m scared of being alone, scared of being trapped in a relationship and also sort of scared of cheating.
I want to do it, but I’m scared.
I know that it would be better to talk these things over with my guy and see how he reacts.
Like Cheryl Strayed puts it, “it could be an open relationship, it could be a breakup, or it could be that the two of you talk about what you truly long for in your erotic lives and you find a way to get it while remaining monogamous.”
That’s exactly it.
2) I like the fantasy more than the reality
I’ve always loved a good fantasy.
Part of me thinks that this desire to cheat could be more about fantasy than reality.
Maybe my boyfriend and I are just having a two-year rough patch and I should stick with it?
Maybe this cheating thing is just a fantasy?
Like Roe McDermott talks about, “by allowing yourself to imagine a different reality, to acknowledge the possibility that you could conceivably be with someone else, and to still choose your partner?
“Not idealised, not ignorant, not naive defaulting; but conscious, chosen, ongoing commitment. I think that’s pretty beautiful.”
I do, too. But is it possible with me and my guy?
3) My boyfriend will be badly hurt if I cheat on him
My boyfriend cheated on me and made an idiotic apology.
But I know that he’s basically fragile at heart.
Me cheating on him or leaving him for another guy would destroy him.
I don’t want to be responsible for him swerving off a road late at night in an alcohol-induced torpor.
So, there it is: brutal honesty. I’m partly not cheating on him out of fear about how much he’d destroy his own life if he found out.
4) I want to become a person with more self-discipline
Another thing holding me back from cheating is that I want to become a person with more self-discipline.
I’ve never cheated before, but I’ve definitely had discipline issues:
Eating unhealthy food, slacking off at work, being a flirt with many guys to play games, and so on…
I want to change.
Bestselling author Mark Manson writes about this, advising that while “it may feel good to rub your genitals all over that beautiful stranger’s face, but a mature person is capable of stepping back and deferring their gratification in favor of a more important life-long commitment.”
5) I don’t just want a quick fix, I want a real solution
Most of all, I haven’t cheated because I know it would just be a moment of pleasure followed by more confusion.
I want a real solution.
Could cheating be part of that solution? Maybe. But it won’t be the whole of it.
Like dating advice writer Shelly Carter explains, there can be good reasons to cheat and many benefits.
However, the urge to cheat is often a search for a quick self-esteem boost or distraction.
It’s not usually a real solution to the dissatisfaction or depression that’s plaguing you in your relationship.
I still want to cheat on my boyfriend: should I do it or not?
I’m still considering it.
If I do cheat on him I’m going to enjoy the hell out of it, but I know the guilt afterwards will also be severe.
The truth is I’m torn.
Wish me luck. What do you think I should do?
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