“I messed up and she won’t talk to me” – 15 tips if this is you

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Sometimes, we all do things that we regret. And sometimes, the people we care about most won’t forgive us for our mistakes – or worse, they’ll avoid us entirely. 

But it doesn’t always have to be like this!

This post is going to cover 15 tips that can help you get over a bad mistake and try to make amends with the person who feels upset with you. 

It might not work out from the first attempt, but if you keep trying your chances of making things right will grow exponentially.

1) Let her know that you’re trying to make a fresh start

Whatever the reasons are why you messed up, it’s never enough to say “I’m sorry” and leave it at that.

You’ll have to let her know that you’re serious about trying to improve yourself and make a fresh start.

Does this person still have your trust? If so, you might be able to express regret for your actions, show that you’re ready to change, and ask for a second chance.

So how can you let her know that you’re trying to make a fresh start?

Simply by being honest, considerate, and conscious of her feelings and needs. This is one way you can show her that you’re serious about changing your ways.

2) Apologize genuinely (not as an excuse)

Of course, you should apologize if you made mistakes – that goes without saying.

But what you say and how you say it is much more important than simply apologizing. It’s crucial that your apology is genuine, not just an excuse to get her to forgive and forget.

Let’s look at a couple of ways in which you can sincerely apologize:

  • Verbally: When you’re talking to her, do your best to keep your tone of voice friendly and sincere. Don’t be afraid to be a little emotional when you’re reflecting on how wrong it was of you to do what you did. Give her reason to believe that you’ve accepted what happened and are ready for a second chance.
  • With actions: When an apology isn’t enough for the person who feels upset with you, actions can go a long way in showing that you’re truly sorry. Keep reading to find some examples of things you can do to show that you’re trying to be the person she wants you to be.

3) Don’t try to push her into forgiving you

Here’s the thing:

You can’t force someone to forgive you. If she doesn’t feel like it’s the right thing for her at this time, she won’t do it. 

So don’t turn into a pest, sending her dozens of messages asking her why she hasn’t forgiven you yet. This is just going to make things more awkward and you’ll come off as desperate and insecure – which aren’t good qualities to have when trying to win back someone’s trust. 

Instead of begging, you should try to show that you’re worth being forgiven. If she sees that you’re trying hard to make things right and are sincerely regretful for what happened, chances are she’ll eventually give in.

4) Let your actions speak for themselves

As I’ve mentioned above, actions speak louder than words. Let your actions say as much as possible in favor of your apology.

In the scenarios above, you’re trying to show her how sorry you are and how you’re willing to change. 

Don’t just say that you’re sorry – show it by:

  • Thinking twice before making a decision that could potentially hurt her
  • Taking some time off from your normal activities to reflect on what happened and figure out how you could improve yourself
  • Putting in extra effort to make her feel loved and cherished
  • Doing things for her even if you don’t feel like it
  • Helping her accomplish her goals and dreams (in case you’ve set your own goals now)
  • Try to connect with her on a deeper level – from a place of mutual respect and understanding.
  • Express love for her in ways that she can feel such as with creative gifts and thoughtful surprises for special occasions.

These are just a few examples of how you can show that you’re trying to make things right with her.

5) Keep in mind that it takes time for trust to rebuild

If you’re truly grateful for the opportunity to try to make things right with this person, then you’ll take the time to truly learn from your mistakes and commit yourself to improve.

This means that you won’t rush things, thinking that as long as she forgives you eventually it will all be fine. If she’s giving you a chance, then it’s worth investing some time in being patient and understanding. 

It takes time to get back into someone’s good graces and trust their judgment again. Try not to rush off when you feel the urge to do so, because you might come off as unworthy of the chances you’ve been given.

6) Focus on what you can do to be a better person

Have you ever wondered why some people are so forgiving? 

It might have to do with the fact that they believe that everyone deserves a second chance. And what’s more, they understand that everyone makes mistakes and can change for the better.

How can you make her feel this way about you? 

By showing her that you’re someone who is willing to change for the better. When you focus on how you can be a better person, she’ll naturally develop a sense of trust in you again.

Also, it’s important to remember that you don’t have to start from scratch. If there are things that you’ve been doing well (like treating her with love and respect or being considerate of her feelings), don’t stop doing them. Keep up the good work, and you’ll make her even more convinced of your commitment to change for the better.

7) Ask for help if needed

This is one of the hardest steps to take, but it might be the most important one.

You might find yourself stuck in a rut with your girlfriend, unable to figure out what you’re doing wrong or how you can change. And if you’re feeling frustrated and don’t know where to turn, it can be tempting to just give up.

The truth is that we all need help sometimes. When you’re trying to win back someone’s trust and make things right, this can be especially true. 

So having a coach, mentor, or close friend to ask for advice is a great way to get the help you need.

If you can’t get someone in person, then there are a lot of good books and resources out there on building better relationships that can help you. 

Take the time to learn from your mistakes and figure out how you can improve. You’ll be glad that you did!

8) Try to put yourself in her shoes and be understanding

You might think that you 100% understand why she’s upset with you. But before you run off and try to apologize, take a minute to put yourself in her shoes.

Do you really understand why she might be upset? Do you fully comprehend what it feels like to be left in a lurch like that? If not, then try to get more insight by asking questions.

This will also help you avoid making assumptions. When you assume that you know what she’s thinking and feeling, it can be easy to miss the mark. 

Instead, try to put yourself in her shoes and stop assuming what your actions mean for her.

9) Make her a priority 

Trust me, this one simple step can carry you pretty far.

When you’re trying to make things right with your girlfriend, they should be your top priority. You’re not going to get anywhere in a hurry if you keep going out with your friends and spending time on social media when you have a chance to connect with her and show that she’s worth the effort.

Of course, it’s good to have some balance in your life. That’s why I recommend putting in a few hours a day when you can make her feel cared for and show that you’re trying to build something meaningful with her.

Or you can even cut out your extra activities completely (or take a break from them) until you can be sure that she’s no longer upset with you.

10) Be open to constructive criticism

These criticisms not only come from your girlfriend but from others as well.

If you’re the type of person who doesn’t listen to the feedback that you get when you make big mistakes, then this will be hard for you at first. But it will go a long way to strengthen your relationship with your girlfriend and show her that you’re willing to improve as a person.

Especially if she’s willing to give you feedback, don’t turn away from it too quickly. Even if it’s harsh, you should take it to heart and avoid getting defensive.

Instead, try to realize that she’s not upset with you because she doesn’t love you. If she’s willing to offer constructive criticism then she cares about where your relationship is going and wants to see it get better.

11) Set new boundaries without coming across as desperate 

Think about this for a moment:

You’ve messed up, and your girlfriend won’t talk to you.

You get frustrated with this and want to make things right, but you don’t want to come across as desperate or needy. After all, she’s probably not willing to forgive you even though you’re willing to change.

So rather than just storming into her life demanding that things be different, try setting some boundaries for yourself. Set a time limit on how long you will give yourself to make things right. 

Don’t try to rush things or come across as trying too hard. If you feel that this is getting in your way, then consider taking a break from trying to get back together and just focus on giving her space and time to think.

Also, if you notice the same issue coming up again, think about how you might be able to avoid it.

12) Accept that it will be a long process before she starts to trust you again

Remember, you might not be able to repair things right away.

I know it’s frustrating, but you need to keep in mind that you have a long way to go before she’s willing to trust you again. It might take months or even years! 

So don’t give up. Don’t try too hard, and don’t expect things to move immediately.

13) Don’t minimize the impact of what you did

Every guy will make this mistake at least once in his life.

When your girlfriend starts to get upset with you, a lot of the time you’ll try to make it seem like it’s no big deal. This is called minimizing the impact. But sooner or later, this will backfire on you and make her even more upset that you aren’t taking responsibility for what you did.

So before she confronts you, remember to think about how important your relationship is to you. Think about how much she means to you and how much your actions have hurt her.

14) Be mindful of your words and actions when you’re around her

It’s pretty obvious advice, but it’s the type of thing you can easily forget about. 

If you want to rebuild trust with your girlfriend, then you will both have to do a lot of work. You can’t just make one mistake and expect that she’ll suddenly trust you again.

You need to be very thoughtful about what you say and do when around her. It could be something as simple as asking her questions about her day or simply treating her well when she’s not expecting it.

Don’t just dive into the details of what happened and try to make her feel better, remember that she’s still hurting and probably upset with you more than you realize.

15) Be stable in other areas of your life 

If you’re going through a lot of trouble in your life right now or you’re struggling with other issues, then it’s ok. You don’t need to be perfect.

But if you want her to trust you again and consider trusting you in the future, then try your best to avoid self-destructive behaviors and show that you have good coping skills for stressful situations.

Even though we tend to only focus on our partners when trying to build intimacy, it’s important that you take care of yourself as well. 

Make sure that you’re not completely dependent on her and do what you can to get ahead in life so that she can trust in your abilities and the relationship.

Final thoughts

Hopefully, these tips will help you work on mending your relationship and getting past the mistakes that you made.

Just remember that neither of you is perfect. Nobody is, and no one will expect you to be.

The key is to remain steady in your efforts and remember how much this means to you. Keep it in mind when she’s upset with the way that you’ve treated her.

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

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