Communication is a vital part of every healthy relationship.
But what do you do if you can’t talk to your boyfriend without him getting mad?
Don’t worry, this problem is more common than you think—and there are a couple of simple things you can do to avoid it.
In this article, we will be talking about 15 tips on how to talk to your boyfriend without him getting mad.
1) Understand where the anger is coming from
Try to put yourself in your boyfriend’s shoes.
What is he mad about? Why does he get so easily angry?
Perhaps there’s been a problem at work that unintentionally affected his personal life. Or, if he’s always angry, maybe the problem is more behavioral.
Regardless, remember that in order to resolve the problem, you should understand where the anger is coming from in order to understand it. This can also help you learn how to address it.
Try to empathize with him. Learn what he needs. Don’t add fuel to the fire by answering his anger with anger yourself.
Now that you know what he needs, it is time to ponder what you need.
2) Learn what your needs are
If your partner gets easily angry, it is vital that you are straightforward and to-the-point when you’re talking to him.
This is why you have to think about what you need to get out of the conversation before you talk to him.
Maybe you need him to understand that you’re not antagonizing him.
Maybe you need him to learn how to respond to a conversation without getting angry.
Maybe you need him to understand that there’s no need to lash out all the time.
Remember that your needs are valid, and your boyfriend’s reactions should not invalidate how you feel.
To try to avoid provoking him. To do this, explain your needs to your boyfriend calmly and rationally.
3) Remain calm and rational
When a person gets easily angry, it is unfortunately on us to remain calm and rational when we’re talking to them.
Otherwise, if we add fuel to the fire, we end up burning the whole house down instead of putting it out while it’s still just a small flame.
In other words, if you get angry too when he gets angry at you, it could only result in arguments that are more damaging than they are productive.
Getting angry at him too will not help you reach a reasonable compromise. You will only end up hurting each other.
I know it is difficult, but remaining calm and rational at all times will always help you make the right choices and choose the right words.
4) Make sure it is safe to talk to him
Most of the time, it can be quite dangerous to confront a person with anger issues. A 2010 study even found that anger issues in men usually easily escalate to violence.
Before you talk to him, make sure it is safe to confront him. You don’t want to find yourself in the middle of a very dangerous situation. If you do, it is best to get some help.
Talk to him only if you’re sure you can get him to open up without him ending up in physically violent outbursts.
Otherwise, it would be best not to talk to him and put some distance between the two of you. Having arguments is one thing; getting physically hurt is another.
On the other hand, if your boyfriend is someone who would be open to having a conversation despite his bouts of anger, you can try to ask him how he feels as a start.
5) Ask him to explain how he feels
Getting easily angry at everything is often a sign of deep, inner trouble.
To show him that you are willing to listen and understand where he’s coming from, you can ask him to explain how he feels.
Sometimes, in order to stop getting so angry, all we need is someone who would be willing to listen to our woes.
More often than not, underneath all the anger, a person can just be hurting—and maybe this is the case with your partner.
Ask him what’s bothering him. Show him he’s got a shoulder to cry on, if he needs. Help him understand that opening up is not a sign of weakness, and that you will not judge him no matter what.
If he finally understands that you’re on his team, the anger will slowly subside and be replaced by relief in knowing that someone’s got his back.
After all, being someone’s wall—especially during the most difficult times—is your most important role as each other’s significant other.
If he feels safe enough to open up to you, it is time for you to return the gesture.
6) Try to explain clearly how his actions make you feel
If you want him to understand your side, you can start by explaining how his actions make you feel.
Here are some things you can say to him to explain your feelings:
- I get scared when you get angry all the time.
- I feel like I can’t have a meaningful conversation with you because you get easily angry.
- I find it hard to constantly feel like I’m treading on eggshells because I’m always afraid you’re going to get angry if I say the wrong thing.
If you got him to open up to you, it is a little safer now to tell him how you feel so he understands your side of the story.
Don’t be afraid to say “I” statements, because if he truly loves you, he will not think of you as selfish—he will listen. Understanding how you feel is key for him to stop getting angry all the time.
Remember that other than communication, comprehension is an essential part of every healthy relationship, and opening up to him can only help him understand how you feel.
7) Let him know you’re not antagonizing him
When we are confronted, our usual response is to feel as if we’re being blamed for something or being painted as the villain.
If your partner is like this, it is vital that you make him feel that you’re not antagonizing him.
Help him understand that this is not you versus him—it’s you and him versus a problem. Clarify that you’re not trying to fight, but simply trying to have a meaningful conversation.
At the end of the day, you want to have this talk because you care about him. Caring about each other is where everything boils down to, which is what most couples forget especially in the heat of the fight.
No matter how intense the situation could feel, it is important that you both remember your love for one another in order to avoid hurting each other.
Remember that the goal of the conversation is to improve the relationship, which is why you should not bring up your partner’s past mistakes, as it will only set you back.
8) Don’t bring up the past
It is true that those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it.
However, in a relationship—especially in a serious conversation or argument—it is best not to bring up the past, as it will only worsen your partner’s anger.
Keeping score of your partner’s rights and wrongs will never result in a productive, meaningful conversation. It can only end up with the both of you growing more resentful of each other.
Don’t bring up each other’s past mistakes, especially if they are not relevant to the conversation. Instead, focus on the present and the matter at hand.
Bear in mind that you will never be able to move forward if you keep on looking back.
However, if he keeps getting angry no matter how hard you try, maybe you can try to give him some time and space by himself.
9) Try to give him some time and space
Sometimes, when your partner is angry, the best thing you can do is give them time and space alone.
Of course, this does not mean giving them the silent treatment and being passive aggressive against them.
It simply means that you should not provoke them out of the blue or talk to them when they’re not ready.
Maybe something is bothering them that is completely unrelated to your relationship, and perhaps he just needs some time to process his emotions and think about what he needs.
In that case, it becomes your responsibility to give him the time and space that he needs to sort out his personal issues.
While you’re giving him time to think, you can also take this time for yourself to think about the implications of his actions.
10) Realize the implications of his reactions
When you’re with someone who has anger issues, it is easy to get caught up in thinking of ways to tame your partner’s anger.
You think, sometimes too carefully, of the things you should and shouldn’t do. The words you should and shouldn’t say.
“I should not do this, it will make him angry.”
“If I say this, will it make him mad?”
“If I do this, will he lash out on me?”
Stop this train of thought.
For once, think of yourself and your needs, too. Think of the implications of his constant anger.
Him constantly getting angry at you and disregarding your needs means that he doesn’t care enough about what you have to say or what you feel to listen.
Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t care about your feelings? Who makes you second-guess constantly?
If your partner’s bad treatment is behavioral, realize that there is nothing you can do to change him. Remember that you can’t control him or his reactions, no matter how hard you try.
11) Understand that you can’t control how he reacts
How your boyfriend reacts is something you can’t control.
If he gets angry or lashes out time and time again despite your best efforts, know that this is not your fault, because his reactions are not within your control.
However, you can still control how you respond and handle the situation.
For one, you should not let him make you take the blame for his behavior.
If he says any of the following, this means you are being gaslit:
- I only got angry because of what you did/said.
- I wouldn’t have gotten angry if you didn’t do ___.
- I lashed out only because you did/said ____.
In that case, you should never let your partner make you take the blame. His bad behavior is not your responsibility.
Remember that you still have authority over the situation, too. You can even choose to walk away if it is too much for you to handle.
Taking couple’s therapy is also something to consider.
12) Try couple’s therapy
Therapy can be scary—even more so when you have to take it with your significant other.
The good news is, couples therapy can work wonders for people who are willing to try. According to the American Psychological Association, Couples Counseling is roughly 75% effective using a technique called Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT).
In couple’s therapy, your partner can work out his anger issues with a professional. The negative feelings this causes on your side can also be talked about in a safe environment.
If you really want the relationship to work and want to help your partner work out his anger issues, couple’s counseling might be for you.
It can be tricky if one of you is not willing, though. Willingness of both parties is key in having it work.
If you really can’t work out your differences, perhaps it would be best to take some time apart.
13) Take some time apart
Sometimes, in order to resolve a problem, you need to step away from it for a while.
Having some time apart is a good idea because it gives you time to think and evaluate the relationship. It also prevents you from being at the short end of the stick every time your boyfriend gets angry.
Time apart can remind you of how life was like before you got into the relationship. It is up to you to decide whether you think that life is better or worse.
Some women even realize they don’t need their boyfriends to survive. The question of the matter is not whether or not you need him, it’s whether or not you want him.
So, do you want him in your life?
Remember: your partner’s role in your life should not be borne out of necessity. What you need to ponder is whether or not you want him in your life.
While you’re apart, it may also be a good idea to re-evaluate the relationship.
14) Re-evaluate the relationship
If you’ve done everything on this list—possibly more—but you find that none has worked, it is time for you to re-evaluate the relationship.
At some point, you have to think about whether or not the relationship is still worth your time and energy.
Ask yourself: is this relationship still worth having?
Or is it only causing baggage you don’t need in your life?
Can you still take your boyfriend’s fits of anger?
Or have you overextended yourself to the point of exhaustion?
Perhaps you’re willing to give it your everything to make the relationship work, but it’s a two-way road. If he’s not putting in the effort, it will never work out.
Remember that this is not because you were not good enough for him to make an effort. It simply means he’s got his own personal issues to sort out before he can get in a healthy, functioning relationship, and it’s up to you to find someone who can better fulfill your needs.
At the end of the day, we can’t change people if they themselves are not willing to change. We can’t help them if they don’t help themselves.
15) Think about what’s best for you
You’ve spent enough time thinking about what’s best for the relationship and what’s best for your partner—what words are best to say to please them, what things are best to do to avoid them getting angry…
It’s about time you start thinking about what’s best for you. And sometimes, that means having to leave a relationship that has gotten toxic.
If you’ve tried everything on this list and he still gets irrationally angry at you, that is a glaring sign that you need to leave the relationship.
I know that this is scary, but remember that you can’t find the right person for you if you insist on being with the wrong one. It’s hard to leave someone we love deeply, but we sometimes need to make difficult decisions because that’s what’s best for us and everyone involved.
Look after yourself, too. You can’t take care of other people if you don’t take care of yourself.
I know it’s incredibly hard to start taking care of yourself especially when all you’ve done all your life is take care of others, but it is never too late to begin.
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