How to win someone back who doesn’t want you: 12 steps

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Look, I don’t know what happened between you and this special someone. 

But, if they don’t want you back, you don’t have to despair.

Although they might have serious reasons for rejecting you, your approach matters more than you think.

Unfortunately, you can’t win someone back just by saying you’re sorry and expressing your desire to reconnect.

However, there are steps that you can take to get that person to listen to you, appreciate the new you, and maybe even consider giving you a second chance.

Here are 12 steps for how to win someone back who doesn’t want you:

1) Get out of their life completely

The first step to winning someone back is to get out of their life completely.

I know this is the opposite of what you’d like to do, but it’s the right thing to do.

Don’t take my word for it, though. Here’s what Tina Fey, the author of Win Your Ex Back eBook says about this:

“The best thing you can do after separating from a partner is to avoid contact. It’s called the no-contact rule and it should be for at least four weeks, but up to six weeks ideally.”

Taking this time apart is essential not only for them but also for you. Even if you don’t realize it now, you need to spend some time alone and figure things out. 

If you apply the no-contact rule, it will give you the chance to really think about what happened and what went wrong between the two of you.

What’s more coach Adrian explains that:

“When a person feels like something is theirs and readily available to them, they have a very easy time taking it for granted. If you are very present in your ex’s life and even more so if you’re begging and pleading with them to take you back, they’ll feel like you’re there at their beck and call.”

In other words, disappearing from their life will remind your ex that you’re a valuable person. On top of that, they won’t expect you to just back off, so they’ll definitely notice.

2) Understand why you broke up in the first place 

The next step suggested by Tina Fey, as well as numerous relationship coaches, is to try to understand why you broke up in the first place. 

“It’s essential you unpick what happened before you consider trying to patch things up,” says Fey.

This step is especially important because you’ll have a much easier time getting back together if you can work towards understanding your past and why you drifted so far from one another.

You should also understand why your ex left in the first place, not just for their sake but for yours too because otherwise, your relationship won’t work – even if you get them back.


I’m glad you asked! Fey recommends taking a journal and writing down everything that went wrong between you and this person throughout your relationship.

The list you make should pinpoint the clashes between the two of you and highlight the root issues that drove you to break up. 

3) Ask for professional advice

If you can’t figure out what went wrong in the first place, and you don’t understand why your ex broke up with you, then it’s time to go to a professional.

With this step, you need to make sure that you get the advice of a good relationship expert who cares about both of your needs.

I recommend asking for help from someone who’s experienced in helping couples work on their relationships and use whatever tools they have to help them reconnect.

Personally, when I need life-changing advice on how to navigate and repair the issues I’m facing in my relationship, I always turn to Relationship Hero – a popular site where highly trained relationship coaches help people work through complex relationship issues.

Their popularity boils down to how skilled their coaches are, especially when it comes to figuring out what went wrong in a certain relationship and what would work to fix it.

When I needed their help, I was given genuine, helpful advice, and was finally able to see my relationship issues with real clarity.

That’s why I’m sure they can help you, too. So, if you’re struggling to get back with an ex, ask the experts!

Click here to get started.

4) Figure out what would make them want you back

The next step to winning someone back is figuring out what would make them want you back.

Dan Bacon, a dating and relationship expert, has a solution for men who want their ex back and that’s related to attraction:

“She doesn’t have to be totally in love with you for you to get her back. Instead, you’ve just got to make her feel that spark of attraction. You’ve got to make her feel that special thing that brings a man and a woman together and keeps them together.”

In other words, one way to get her back is to make her feel attracted to you; to show her that you’re desirable on many levels.

However, if you’re a woman who wants her ex back, there could be many things that you could do for him to want you back. 

To determine what, ask yourself these questions:

  • What did he like the most about you?
  • What made him want to be in a relationship with you?
  • Were you offering the type of relationship he wanted?
  • Was he always asking you to do a certain activity?

Once you answered those questions, it’s time to think about how you can put the spotlight on these qualities in order to win him back. Also, see what else you can do to fix your previous mistakes and how you’ll do things differently this time.

5) Inspire them to want to be a part of your life again

By now you should know what went wrong between the two of you and what would make them want you back. 

But, to win over someone back who doesn’t want you, you can’t afford to be a mess. On the contrary, you need to inspire them to want to be a part of your life again.

“This means that you can’t place your ex at the center of your universe. You have to have your own things going on and make it clear that you are making yourself very happy,” explains coach Adrian.

So, how can you do that?

Here’s how Tina Fey did it…

… by moving her body every day

… by connection with like-minded empowered women

… by joining breathwork and meditation classes

… by making time for a creative hobby 

… by getting enough downtime and rest

However, you can do whatever suits you. The main idea is to invest in yourself and in your well-being.

At this point, don’t hesitate to share your progress on social media, especially if there’s a chance this person would see your posts.

6) Figure out their communication style

Now, before you even begin to think about getting in contact with them again or getting their attention somehow, it would be best to figure out their communication style.

Communication is key in any relationship and if you’re not aware of their communication style, you will struggle to understand their wishes and what they need.

According to Jennifer Herrity, a writer and career coach, there are 4 main communication styles: namely passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive.

“Passive communicators are typically quiet and don’t seek attention,” says Herrity. You can best approach them directly and ask for their opinion often.

As for aggressive communicators, they “frequently express their thoughts and feelings and tend to dominate conversations,” she adds. 

How to approach them? By being calm, assertive, and knowing when to walk out or end a conversation.

Passive-aggressive communicators act like passive communicators but think like aggressive communicators. This means that they might agree with you, but still do whatever they see fit.

You can best approach them by making clear requests and confronting their negative behavior.

As for the assertive style, it is typically characterized by friendliness and openness. If your ex has this communication style, you can encourage them to fully express themselves about their likes and dislikes.

7) Learn a few psychological tricks

The next step to win over someone who doesn’t want you back is learning a few psychological tricks.

If you’re ready to start talking to them again – especially after you’ve identified their communication style – it wouldn’t hurt to learn a few ways to get their attention.

That’s where dating expert Brad Browning comes in.

Brad is a best-selling author and has helped hundreds of people get back with their ex via his extremely popular YouTube channel – including myself.

With practical tips to get your ex back, there’s no one better to turn to. He won’t just help you get through to your ex, but he’ll also guide you on rebuilding a happier, healthier relationship. 

Click here to watch his free video.

And the best part? He reveals simple texts and phrases that you can use as soon as you’ve completed the steps above.

So, what are you waiting for? Check out his excellent free video here

You can use his advice as inspiration for when you are ready to break the silence and win them back.

8) Start to actively interact with them

Dan Bacon, relationship and dating coach, shares the following advice for men:

“To get an ex back when she doesn’t want you, you have to be active about it, rather than being inactive.”

What does this mean?

It means actively interacting with her by calling her, texting her, reaching out on social media, or meeting in person. 

In this regard, sending her a text could break the ice.

This advice works really well for women, too. At some point, you have to reach out to him and begin interaction to win him back. 

Before you text them, though, remember to take their communication style into consideration and figure out what approach would be most effective for them.

9) Change their mind about you

Are you ready to win them over for good? 

If you are, you can start by changing their mind about you. 

Do they think you’re a liar? Find ways to prove to them you’re not.

Do they think you’re boring? Try to spice things up in a new way. 

Do they think you are immature? Find ways to prove you’re a grown-up.

Do they think you’re controlling? Find ways to show them you’re not.

Let me explain:

By now you should be on speaking terms with your ex, especially if you’ve followed the steps above. 

However, before you can expect positive feedback from them, you need to make them think about you in ways that might help change their mind about you.

Depending on what you need to change and depending on the type of relationship you had, you may want to show them proof. 

For example, if they think you’re a liar, talk less and do more. If your ex thinks you are boring, try to be more interesting. If they think you are immature, show them you’ve grown up while you were apart.

10) Pay special attention to your appearance

Listen, you might have hurt this person in the past, but time has passed and they’re only human. It’s not just your words, but your appearance that will change their perspective on you.

When you look good, you feel good and exude confidence and attraction. When your ex first started dating you, they probably found you attractive. If not, they wouldn’t have considered making a future with you. 

Whatever the case may be, it’s time to start paying attention to how you look and how that affects the way people see you.

If you’re a man, first, do a self-assessment. Look in the mirror and figure out what it is that needs improvement. Some things to consider are your hygiene, clothes, shoes, accessories, etc. Also, wearing perfume is a must.

If you’re a woman, learn to style your hair, put on makeup, apply a little bit of fragrance (not too much), and wear something that shows off your best features.

Habitually dressing well for yourself will help boost your confidence and make you feel beautiful inside and out.

Now that you’ve paid attention to your appearance, it’s time to change your attitude about yourself. In other words, it’s time to believe you are worth getting back together with and it’s time to believe you deserve this person in your life. 

11) Work on your confidence

Confidence is not only important if you want to win someone back who doesn’t want you, but also to keep them.

Confidence is a trait of attraction. In other words, confidence will help you get them to fall for you again and will also help keep that spark alive. 

How can you improve your confidence? Here are a few tips:

Try to put yourself into the mindset that everything about you is perfect just the way it is and the only thing that needs improvement is the image your ex has of you.

Also, recognize what you’re good at – everyone is good at something. Do you have a talent? Think about what it is and use it to feel good about yourself.

Make a list of all the things you love about yourself, both physically and mentally. Sometimes we can be so hard on ourselves that we forget to appreciate ourselves for the amazing people we are. 

Figure out what you like about yourself and use those details to remind yourself why you need to feel confident.

12) Take things slow

The last step to winning someone back who doesn’t want you is taking things slow.

Tina Fey shares her last piece of advice:

“I get it, we all want everything when we want it in life. But patience is a virtue, and it’s a quality worth cultivating when it comes to relationships. Simply put: don’t rush. There is no need to hurry through the process of trying to get back with your ex-partner.”

In other words, you don’t want to rush into things and risk being rejected again. Take it slow, as Tina says.

If you’re eager to win them back, get excited, but remind yourself that you are not in competition with anyone else for them. You want them to choose you because they want you. 

Yes, winning someone back is about helping them see the value in you by doing positive things for yourself and making positive changes, but it’s ultimately up to them whether they want to be with you or not.

Winning someone back is a process, not a race. It might take time, but you have to remember that it’s worth the effort. 


How to win someone back who doesn’t want you?

You can try to simply explain why they should give you another chance, but that probably won’t work. People tend to have a hard time moving on when they have already decided they don’t want things to change.

That’s why the steps above are important. 

By changing their negative views of you, learning communication and psychological tricks, as well as improving your confidence, you will show them that it might be worth giving things another try.

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

Click here to get started.

The above link will give you $50 off your first session - an exclusive offer for Love Connection readers.

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