Let’s cut to the chase: men and women are different.
This isn’t a bad thing — it’s actually very positive. Understanding more about our fundamental differences can strengthen relationships and help love grow instead of wither away.
The key to understanding men is knowing what drives them.
Money, sex, food, sports, power?
Sure, they call come into play at one time or another.
But the deeper truth is that men are not primarily driven by these external things. Especially when it comes to relationships.
The deepest driver of male behavior and motivation is something surprisingly few women know about.
It’s called the hero instinct.
If you understand the hero instinct and how to trigger the hero instinct in your man, you’ll be miles ahead of most other women who are still confused and unsure about what makes men tick.
What is the hero instinct?
The hero instinct is a term coined by James Bauer in his bestselling dating book His Secret Obsession.
It’s the biological drive inside men to live a life of meaning, provide for those he cares about, and the desire to earn respect from those around him.
This drive is amplified in romantic relationships. Men want to protect their woman, treat her right and earn her love in return.
The simple truth is that men don’t need to be Bruce Willis in their own version of Die Hard or an earth-saving superhero like Thor. But they do want to make a difference to the lives of those who are important to them.
Especially to the woman they love romantically.
Men want to be everyday heroes. And women can tap into this biological drive by helping their man feel like one.
Below is an excellent free video by James Bauer about the hero instinct. He gives a terrific overview of his breakthrough concept as well as free tips for triggering it in your man.
(Click the play button to watch — video opens in a new window)
Ten ways to trigger the hero instinct in your man
These are the 10 main ways to trigger the hero instinct.
(However, I’m just scratching the surface about what the hero instinct is all about here. If you want to guarantee the love, respect and devotion of your man, please watch the free hero instinct video here).
1) Ask him for help
This can include really small things like fixing a squeaky hinge on the door or carrying all the grocery bags.
These are only small things, but when a man knows he’s helping you out — even just a little bit — it triggers his hero instinct.
There’s no need to go around creating situations for him to feel useful, but if you make it clear that you appreciate his help and ask him for small ways to make your life easier his attraction to you will grow.
Try to ask for help with stereotypical ‘manly’ things like fixing things around the house, troubleshooting your computer, or repairing your car. Asking for help to make Christmas cards or decorate the foyer with flower arrangements won’t trigger this instinct.
If you have a problem at work, seek out his advice.
When he gives you advice or stands up for you he’ll feel valued and needed. And his inner hero will come to the fore.
Asking for help is a great starting point when it comes to triggering the hero instinct in your man.
2) Celebrate his successes
OMI sings about it in his song “Cheerleader.”
Of course, you don’t want to be over the top about this, but a man’s hero instinct will bask in the sunshine when you show him appreciation.
Even if he just changed out a light bulb for you, say thanks and smile to show you mean it. If you want to go for a sneaky kiss and affectionate hug his inner hero will be pretty happy about that, too.
If he just tuned up the car maybe you can mention how good he looks in that old shirt and jeans … This creates a positive feedback loop. You appreciate him, he appreciates you. The attraction grows and your love grows stronger.
It’s a cycle of mutual appreciation and it really works.
3) Keep it low-key
This might seem like a contradiction to tip 1 and 2, but don’t go overboard on asking for help and thanking him.
Keep it low-key.
Asking for help and showing appreciation are the tried-and-true methodd for triggering the hero instinct in your man, but if he can tell you’re only doing to make him feel good about himself, he’s going to feel weird about it.
Sometimes it can work well to have a longer-term project like expanding the deck or repainting a room in the house and let the idea germinate in his head for a while.
The point is that triggering his hero instinct doesn’t always have to be obvious or immediate. It can stretch out over a longer time and your appreciation can be subtle, rather than sudden and dramatic.
Genuine appreciation trumps fake appreciation every time.
4) Support him around his buddies
A natural part of the hero instinct is all about his group.
Men need validation just as much as women, and this often comes from his group of buddies. He wants to have their respect.
What’s your role here?
Treat him with respect when you’re around his friends. Don’t belittle, mock, or criticize him. If he’s treating you well, treat him well back around his friends and make it clear to everyone you appreciate your man’s good qualities.
Positive vibes have a way of spreading in a group of friends.
5) Let him make you happy
Be happy around your man and make him know that he’s the reason for these good feelings.
Okay, life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows.
You’re not always going to be happy and not everything he does is going to make you smile.
But the hero instinct is all about the drive men have to step up to the plate for their woman and make her life better. He wants to make you happy and you have to let him do this.
If you genuinely enjoy snuggling up to him at night or spending your Saturday’s hanging out with him at home, then let him know this. Let him know he makes you happier than anyone else possibly could.
There’s no point being happy on the inside but have a permanent poker face on the outside. He’s not a mind reader, nor does he have an inbuilt happiness detector.
Tell him he makes you happy and show it. You’ll make him happy, too.
6) Support his passions and interests
Supporting your man in his interests and passions is another important way to trigger the hero instinct in your man.
Whether it’s playing baseball with the guys, collecting whatever men like to collect, or working on a car in the garage, let him know you think it’s cool and to give him the time and space to throw himself into this hobby.
Bring him a drink while he’s doing or or pay a compliment about how good he’s going.
Even if his hobby isn’t your thing, you need to respect that he likes doing it.
He’ll feel that being with you allows him to live his very best life (which is basically what the hero instinct boils down to).
7) Show him he’s the only one
If you’re in a serious monogamous relationship or marriage then your man already knows he’s the only one.
But one of the best ways to trigger the hero instinct in your man is when you show him he’s the only one.
This can be done through everything from subtle body language and gentle touches to meaningful looks, smiles and paying attention to him.
You can also just straight up tell him something like “there’s nobody else like you, baby, I love you so much,” or something equally mushy.
At the end of the day, it’s always nice to reinforce the fact that he’s the one special guy in your life and who you value more than any other man. Men want to feel irreplaceable.
Showing him this will mean a lot.
8) Challenge him
Heroes love a challenge.
And giving your man a challenge of some kind to help you out will definitely get his hero instinct revving.
It could be something as simple as seeing if he can fix your laptop, to challenging him to try out a new activity and seeing if he can master it.
When a man has a challenge from the woman he loves it sparks up his desire to be more, be better and rise to the occasion.
On this one make sure that the challenge isn’t to gain your attention or affection or for him to compete for you with another guy. This is likely to lead to a more jealous and negative reaction, rather than a positive growth of love.
To learn more about the hero instinct, check out James Bauer’s excellent free video here. You’ll learn the specific words, phrases, and communication tactics you need to heighten attraction in a relationship. The video will teach you exactly how to tap into your man’s hero instinct and ultimately build a deeper and more passionate relationship with him. Here’s a link to the video again.