He loves me, he loves me not …
It’s the age old question that needs to be answered. And you have come to the right place.
Sometimes a guy can be confused or unsure about his own emotions: but his actions won’t lie.
If he loves you then he’s going to show it in some very big ways, like it or not. If he doesn’t love you that’s going to become abundantly clear.
Here you go: 20 telltale signs that he loves you … and 17 signs he doesn’t.
1. He pulls away from you
Wait, what? Yes, really. Sometimes when a guy is feeling strong emotions or falling in love he will pull away from you.
This is different than him ghosting you or not wanting to see you. And you’ll be able to tell the difference.
Some girls I know thought their boyfriend was about to end things right before he asked them to marry them, so don’t overreact if he seems to need a bit of space.
Sometimes it’s just his heart charging up with all the love it’s feeling.
2. He wants to look after you
This might seem like a throwback to the 1950s – or the Stone Age – but really it’s just basic biology.
Men want to be protective and provide for women. Some barely even realize it themselves, but this inherent need drives a lot of their behavior and motivations.
It’s in their biological nature and it’s increasingly the subject of important scientific and psychological research. It’s being referred to as the hero instinct.
Relationship psychologist James Bauer is the one who came up with the new term, and it’s catching on because frankly it’s true.
As he explains in his free video, the hero instinct is about a man’s need to be more than just a friend, just a lover or just a guy you turn to now and then.
He wants to be your hero.
He wants to be the one you lean on and turn to when any negative situation comes up.
This triggers something deep inside him and lets his love for you flow outward.
If you want to learn more about the hero instinct and how to trigger it in your man, check out James Bauer’s free video here.
3. He goes the extra mile
This could mean he literally drives an extra mile to pick you up from work when you’re not feeling well or be a shoulder to cry on after a hard week.
Or it could just mean he cheerfully chips in with meals and laundry and gives you a kiss every time.
He goes the extra mile because you’re worth it to him.
4. You come first
If you’ve ever been dating someone who always had excuses about why you couldn’t spend time together or why he couldn’t help you out on something, think of this as the exact opposite.
The man who loves you puts you first in every case. He relishes the opportunity to do more for you, to gain your appreciation, trust and affection.
Perhaps he is even thinking of marriage and babies. But we won’t go that far yet.
He puts you first and – even when he has big work or life commitments – he always communicates very clearly to you and makes sure you know that you’re his number one priority.
5. He values your input on his life
If your guy loves you then he’s going to value your opinion on his life greatly.
Whether it’s about career, his friendships, family relationships, spirituality and religion or anything else – he’s going to come ask you.
He’s going to listen and really absorb what you’re saying and you’ll be able to tell.
Your words mean a lot to him, because he loves you.
6. He talks about future plans that include you in them
Guys tend to play their cards close to the chest, so when he talks about his future plans with you in them it’s a good bet that he’s falling (or fallen) for you bigtime.
You’re on his mind and in his future plans, whether it’s a white picket fence and a family or a high rise apartment in Manhattan.
He wants to be by your side, and get your input on how the future could look together.
Because he’s committed to you and in it for the long haul.
7. He makes the little things count
Even if it’s just a dentist appointment that you need a ride after or asking how you’re feeling after a day when he knew you had a big test at university and a little cuddly bear and chocolates – the guy who loves you will make the little things count.
He won’t mind if you vent about work or life frustrations now and then, he’ll welcome it.
He’ll take you for a Sunday drive and kiss you by the lake after a picnic and a lovely glass of wine. He’ll make your days a little more special and make the little things count.
8. He seeks you out
A guy who’s in love with you will seek you out physically, conversationally and emotionally.
Unless he’s in the “pulling back” stage discussed above, or having other insecurities – or he doesn’t love you – he’s going to want to be close to you, cuddle you, kiss you and caress you.
Even in the car he may reach and put a hand on your knee.
He’ll seek out intimacy with you inside and outside the bedroom because he is head over heels for you.
9. He can’t get enough of you
Being in love will intoxicate a man, and if he’s in love with you he’s going to let you know.
He’ll compliment you constantly, notice new styles you’re wearing, remark on how beautiful your hair or eye shadow looks today or anything else.
He’ll become an expert in making you feel good and make it absolutely obvious that he can’t get enough of you.
You might start feeling like a movie star or something, but don’t let it go to your head – although you can let it go to your heart. Wink.
10. Your happiness is his happiness
This is different than him being dependent on you or clingy. Instead, what it means is he will truly care about your happiness.
When you’re not doing well he will be concerned and devote time and attention to you.
He’ll have chicken soup ready when you’re sick and be patient and kind with you, without any expectation of something in return emotionally or physically.
When he loves you, your happiness means the world to him.
11. He plans special and romantic dates ahead of time
In the craze of modern life it’s all too easy to get lost in our schedules and clicks. If he’s making special plans and dates for you ahead of time and whisking you away, then you can absolutely sure you’ve been on his mind.
Which means he wants to show you a special time where you can bond more closely and spend quality time together.
Maybe it’s a dinner reservation at the new place you mentioned to him last week, or a date to a concert at a rustic cafe he knows you love (but not as much as you love him, hopefully).
12. You can count on him in emergencies and tough spots
No matter what happens, would your guy be there for you? If the answer is yes you could definitely be looking at true love.
If the answer is “I’m not sure” or “I doubt it” then there’s a problem.
A man who loves you will show up and drop everything to help you in an emergency. He will display courage and resilience in the face of danger and be there to comfort and support you in your hardest times. You can count on that.
13. He talks about you to his friends
If you’re out with your man and overhear him you’ll notice he drops details about your pursuits and time together to his friends.
He’s proud to be seen with you and talk about you.
He wants to share what you’re all about with the people he cares about because he’s never been happier in his life or more jazzed about meeting a kindred spirit who he can’t get enough of.
Time to bask in the light of love.
14. He’s got your best interests in mind (and heart)
He wants you to follow your dreams and live up to your full potential.
He won’t be afraid to tell you hard truth about bad influences in your life or hard decisions that have to be made in your family, career or personal life.
When he loves you, he truly respects and is open with you. He won’t walk on eggshells or try to think of what you want to hear and serve it back to you. He’ll really engage with you and tell you what he believes and always do his best to encourage you to follow the best path for yourself in life.
15. He takes any excuse to look at you
This one is a classic, and we’ve all been there. When you can’t get enough of someone you just want to see them.
You look and there they are – so beautiful and captivating. And then you look again.
It’s like that when a guy’s in love. He’ll always seem to be sneaking a glance at you even in a crowded room and smiling your way.
It’s like your own secret love language, and it’s pretty amazing.
16. He doesn’t give up
The man who loves you won’t shy away from hard truths, like I said. And he also won’t give up.
Even if you’ve had an argument or one of you is feeling misunderstood or let down in some way, he’ll do his best to patch things up and he won’t walk away or be a quitter.
The man who truly loves you is into you more than just transactionally or conditionally: he really wants to love you and make things work – and that will show.
17. He wants you for himself
Jealousy can obviously be toxic and controlling when it goes too far. But a little bit of jealousy in a relationship can be healthy and can be a sign of love.
The next time he asks who that guy is you were talking to or whether you still think much of your ex it’s a good time not to get defensive.
Keep in mind that the strong emotions he may be feeling for you are spurring a little bit of jealousy inside him.
When you see it that way it won’t seem so bad and you can let it deepen your bond and the trust between you.
18. He’s curious about your long-term plans
When he loves you he wants to picture a future together like I was saying.
For this reason, it’s normal that he’s going to want to know your future plans: this can include intimate things like whether you want kids, where you want to live and what career you envision for yourself.
If you’re not ready for this level of serious talks it’s fine to let him know, but be advised that it’s definitely a clear sign he’s a passenger on the love train.
19. He’s there for you in mundane situations where you need a hand
In addition to being there for you in emergencies and tense situations, your guy who’s truly full of love for you will be there in mundane situations.
Like helping you set up for a garage sale, or taking your cat to the vet for shots.
He’s not going to be annoyed or exasperated when you ask for small favors. He’ll cherish the opportunity and be happy to have more time around you.
20. He cheers for you on every occasion
The guy who loves you will be your biggest male cheerleader. He’ll wave his pompoms proudly for you at every occasion, whether you just cooked a yummy meal or you are going for a big promotion at work.
His underlying message will be clear: you can do it, I believe in you, I love you.
He will be overjoyed at every step you take forward and share in your success and happiness.
21. He picks you up when you’re down
Sometimes we all get down and life can throw some heavy punches. It’s not always going to be possible for your guy to “lift you up” completely.
But he’ll try.
And when he sense you just need a bit of space or some time to be sad or upset he will give that to you.
He’ll respect your boundaries but also do his best to help you keep smiling through the storms of life.
22. He lets you know what’s going on with him
When he loves you he lets you know. He tells you when he’s going to be a bit late, or why he’s hesitant to take a new job, or the fight he’s been having with an old friend.
He keeps you in the loop even when he could easily choose not to do so.
He doesn’t shrug off your questions, concerns or interest in his life, he welcomes it. He includes you as a co-partner whose opinions and support mean the world to him and he always lets you know what’s going on with his day.
23. He sees you for who you really are
When a guy is in love with you he will get a Ph. D in you (and not in the creepy way like that Netflix show You). I mean this in a good way.
He will notice things about you that even you might not have realized. He’ll be honest with you as well. Sometimes that won’t always lead to a feel-good buzz, as he will not hesitate to call out ways you’re falling short.
He’ll see your full potential and the true you underneath your public persona.
Which is what makes your relationship so much deeper and also what shows that his love is true.
24. You’re absolutely secure around him and about how he feels for you
The truth is that a lot of knowing a guy is in love with you comes down to intuition. A woman just knows.
When you’re in bed together, he makes you feel comfortable and secure
When he tells you how he feels and that he loves you, when he kisses you and looks you in the eye, when you feel your invisible but rock-solid bond from across the room you get a deep feeling of security.
This guy loves me and would do anything for me.
You can feel it, you know it.
And you’re probably right.
25. You don’t worry about other women catching his eye – or his heart
When he’s in love with you and his actions reflect that then you won’t worry about another woman catching his eye or his heart.
You won’t have to worry about him getting obsessed with p*rn or starting to drift from you, because it will be crystal clear that you’re the only one he wants.
Even a stunning waitress serving you when you go out won’t cause you a flicker of jealousy and it won’t cause his attention to wander.
Because he loves you and you’re all he ever wanted.
Unfortunately, things don’t always go as planned and the road of love is full of many disappointments. So, here’s the flip side: 17 signs he doesn’t love you …
On the the other hand, 17 signs he doesn’t love you
1. He comes and goes without commitment
When he loves you he feels a sense of commitment and dedication. He wants to be around you more, return your calls and texts and be the guy who’s always there for you.
If he’s dipping in and out of your life like a whack-a-mole then it’s a whole different story.
It’s very possible he’s feeling a lack of purpose and his hero instinct isn’t being triggered. It’s also quite likely the emotions he feels for you may be waning unpredictably or not hitting home for him.
He’s Mr. Sometimes, while you want more.
It’s a tough position to be in, but it’s a good sign that it’s not love.
2. He displays untrustworthy behavior and acts sketchy
It’s a very good idea to become very acquainted with yourself and love yourself. If you are feeling strong intuition that there’s something untrustworthy or sketchy about this guy it could be because there really is.
When he often seems to skip out on things you had planned, gives weird excuses for his behavior, fails to open up on a deeper level and overall seems shady, then you should take stock of the situation.
You can’t love a guy you can’t trust. And it’s on him to prove that you can trust him.
3. He makes you feel inadequate and attention-starved
How you feel around your man says a great deal about the connection between you. If you feel overlooked and starved for attention you might not necessarily be needy.
You might just actually be overlooked and starved for attention.
There’s such a thing as independence and doing your own thing, and that is great, but if your guy is treating you like an accessory or a time out break to give you a quick kiss after he’s done the next level on his video game then you have to get real.
This guy isn’t putting you first – not by a long shot.
4. He’s ignores you and plays mind games
While we may mention that if he loves you, he may appear more distant, unfortunately, it may also mean that he doesn’t love you.
If he’s ignoring your texts and taking ages to respond, then you might not be at the forefront of his mind.
A man that truly loves you will want to make time for you and see you whenever he can.
5. He doesn’t respond to what you say
When you talk or give advice and you feel like you’re talking to a wall? That’s a big sign right there.
A sign of disrespect for one, but also a sign of disinterest and lack of love.
When he loves you he wants to hear how you see things and what you think about his life and future.
When he doesn’t love you it’s just annoying to him and he blocks you out with invisible d*ck earplugs.
Sorry love, better luck next time.
6. His future plans are vague and unsettled
This is a warning sign that he doesn’t see a future with you. If he truly loves you, he’d be planning his future around you.
But when you ask, or the topic comes up, he retracts into his shell like a snail (and moves just as slow).
He doesn’t want to make any decisions that could involve you in them.
And starts stammering like a sheep whenever anything remotely related to the long-term or your future together comes up.
7. He puts sex first
When sex seems to be the first topic that always comes up it can seem fine at first. The attraction may be strong and guys are h*rny all the time, right?
Well, not necessarily.
A man will guide an interaction and relationship like steering a boat.
And if he’s always turning the conversation and your time together into a session between the sheets then there’s a very solid chance he’s in it for the nookie.
That’s not going to make love bloom, sorry to tell you.
8. He doesn’t ever think of things you need
This doesn’t mean he needs to shower you with bracelets from Tiffany’s and gift certificates at the end of every week. But still, a gift now and then or even a little necessity he knows you were looking for will go a long way.
When you never get anything sometimes it’s because you barely mean anything to him.
He’s preoccupied with his life and you’re an afterthought.
He takes you for granted because losing you isn’t really something he’s thought about much and he considers you replaceable. It hurts, but you have to face that this could be true.
9. His friends and family are in the dark about you
When he loves you he wants the world to know. When he doesn’t he shies away from introducing you to friends and family.
He constantly seems to want to meet up for sex or not at all.
If you do meet his relatives they seem a little unsure about you or confused about his intentions towards you and you can tell he’s deeply uncomfortable.
This is a big warning sign that you should keep in mind.
10. He messages other girls and cheats on you
If he’s messaging other girls still or has cheated on you it is a pretty clear sign that his love may be waning or non-existent.
Not only is this behavior deeply hurtful, it’s evidence of a lack of commitment on his part and a drifting libido and emotional center.
He’s going after other women and seeking satisfaction elsewhere. It hurts and it’s a big sign that he doesn’t really love you, or that if he does he really needs to learn how to show it better.
11. He distrusts your motives and character
A man who loves you may sometimes question you or your life choices and call out bad influences or decisions. But he won’t fundamentally undermine your character, motives or who you are as a person.
If you are constantly feeling unsupported, adrift and untrusted then you can make a good bet that this guy doesn’t love you.
He’s chipping away at your self-esteem and basically trying to spur feelings of self-doubt and low morale to bring you down to his level.
Just say no.
12. He’s ultra-clingy and paranoid
Guys with some serious abandonment and control issues can start to seem like Big Brother controlling your life. He wants to know your schedule constantly, he monitors your social media or gets mad if you post a pretty photo, he tells you what you can and can’t do like he’s your boss.
This clingy and paranoid behavior is the sign of a deeply insecure and potentially volatile individual who could erupt at the slightest provocation. Proceed with caution, this ain’t love.
13. He puts you down and makes you feel like sh*t
OK, I know this can sometimes happen even when two people are in love, but if it’s a recurring pattern then you need to be clear that this guy isn’t full of love for you.
He’s acting out his own issues and unloading them on you, undercutting your personality and life to build himself up. It’s weak and it’s pathological.
And it doesn’t lead to roses and rings, it leads to more resentment, loneliness and lost dreams.
Remember, toxic codependency is not love.
14. He’s awkward with you in public
In addition to not being very into introducing you to his friends and family, the man who is not in love with you will often act awkward or uncomfortable in public with you.
Maybe he won’t want to hold hands.
He’ll often break eye contact frequently or seem to intentionally not want to talk about anything.
He’ll smile awkwardly at strangers or look down almost like he’s denying that he’s with you as your partner.
It’s a sh*tty feeling and it hurts.
15. He leaves right after sex
Similarly to a guy who is only in it for sex, the guy who doesn’t love you takes a hike right after sex.
He might “work hard” to get the sex or even be good at pretending to be all over you and caring about you prior to the sex.
But once the act is done it’s “hit the road Jack” and his boots are on before you even roll over to take a breath.
It’s not love, it’s lust.
16. He emotionally manipulates you
There’s a tendency when we think of abuse to imagine scenes of a man striking his girlfriend or wife, or smashing lamps and furniture in a rage.
But emotional abuse can be much more subtle.
If you’re in a relationship with a narcissistic abuser, you will be the subject of almost constant manipulation.
He’ll twist your words and your emotions. He’ll even use any love you have for him against you or to get more from you.
Turn off the taps and put your foot down. He doesn’t love you, he’s just using you, and he needs to work out his own issues before he could ever truly be there for you.
17. He expects you to be his savior
The savior complex can sabotage even the best relationships, and it’s a sign that he doesn’t really love you – he just wants you to live his life for him.
The needy person clings to you and feeds on your feeling that you need to be there for him, creating an unhealthy and codependent cycle. If he expects you to be his savior and you fall into that role it can feed a deeply toxic pattern of codependency.
It doesn’t end well.
In fact, sometimes it doesn’t end nearly soon enough and drags on for far too long.
But either way it’s not love and it’s not healthy.
The bottom line: love is in the air … maybe
Whether or not he loves you can be a perplexing issue. Hopefully this guide has helped you see many of the signs that point the way to real love and away from fake love.
The hero instinct helps explain a lot and I truly think looking into it can be a real eye-opener for many women. Knowing about the hero instinct and really getting men’s inbuilt biological drive to be a provider and protector for their woman can even save relationships.
This goes beyond simply wanting flattery or recognition: men really want to help and be their for their woman in every way possible.
As author James Bauer explains in this free online video, the hero instinct is fundamental to so much of what makes love work – or not.
At the end of the day love is beautiful, and if you stay true to yourself and your heart the future will be bright.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.