How to take charge in bed as a woman: 10 practical tips (complete list)

We sometimes include products we think are useful for our readers. If you buy through links on this page, we may earn a small commission. Read our affiliate disclosure.

 

If you’re looking for ways to spice up your sex life, feel more in control in the bedroom, and have him begging for more, then you’re in the right place.

This article will offer you 10 no bullsh*t tips to help you take the lead.

How to take charge in bed as a woman

1) Tease him

If he’s been good, you can reward him with some teasing.

This is one of the best ways to get him excited and make him want you even more.

Just tease him by touching yourself or wearing something sexy that makes you look hot.

If you’re feeling confident, you might want to do a little strip tease for him. Or if the thought of it makes you blush, then just undress slowly taking your time.

Let’s face it, a lot of guys can get stuck on one speed when it comes to sex — full steam ahead.

So take charge by slowing down the pace a bit. Make him wait and build the anticipation by teasing him.

He’ll be so turned on that he won’t know what hit him.

2) Refuse to fake it

Way too often, sex can end up feeling like a performance act.

We can get so worried about what the other person is thinking, and whether we’re pleasing them that we get lost in our heads.

Rather than being present and staying mindful of feeling into the sensations happening in our own bodies.

Taking real control in the bedroom runs far deeper than simply pinning him down on the bed.

It’s about daring to show up to the experience and keep it real. Nothing could be further from keeping it real than feeling like you’ve gotta fake it.

If he isn’t hitting the spot, don’t scream like he is. Don’t feel pressured to angle yourself into all sorts of weird positions just because you think he wants you to.

If you don’t like certain things in the bedroom — then don’t do them. Period.

Hate doggy style? let him know. Does it hurt when he tries to bend your legs back like that? tell him to stop.

Real kick-ass confidence from a woman in the bedroom comes from her finding her voice and her authenticity.

And you might just be surprised. That’s likely to turn your guy on far more than trying to impress him with lacey lingerie. 

3) Go on top

Mounting your man is a great way to take control in the bedroom for many reasons.

It puts you in the driving seat (excuse the expression).

There aren’t so many positions where it’s easy for you to control the speed and movement as you have sex. But being on top is one of them.

If he tries to take back control, you can gently hold down his arms or pin his legs with yours.

This should signal to him that you’re the one in control right now.

He’ll also enjoy this position as he gets to be lazy, lie back, and do pretty much nothing.

Plus he has good access to your ass and boobs — so what’s not to like?!

4)Talk about your fantasies

A good way to take control in the bedroom as a woman, and show him your wild side at the same time, is to reveal to him your fantasies.

Tell him about how you’d love to see him tied up and helpless. Maybe you’d like to play around with some erotic spanking. Or perhaps you’d like to be tied up and blindfolded.

You can talk about anything you want. Although probably not that you want to settle down, get a dog and have his babies — keep those sorts of fantasies for another day.

Talking about your fantasies is a great way of taking the lead.

It is also an opportunity to increase the intimacy between you two and genuinely learn more about one another between the sheets.

If you worry that talking about your fantasies might make you uncomfortable, you could always try writing a little list.

Slipping this to him or puting it into his pocket, especially before he’s about to go to work or out on a night with his friends, is a great way to tease him.

5) Be more playful in the bedroom

A lot of us are probably guilty of taking sex a bit too seriously.

But instead of pouting faces and straight-faced expressions, there’s nothing wrong with lightening things up a little.

One easy-going way of taking control in the bedroom as a woman can simply to be more mischievous.

Get a bit silly, and play around. Smile. Laugh. You might even want to introduce some props, toys or games into the bedroom.

Even when we’re trying to be all seductive and vixen, the reality is that sex can be awkward.

There can be embarrassing moments where things go wrong. It’s never like it is in the movies.

In real life, you can’t get your jeans off, they can’t get your bra undone and you have that unsexy pause to chat about contraception.

My point is that it often helps to approach things in a less serious way. It’s meant to be fun after all.

6) Send naughty texts

Taking control over sex as a woman doesn’t just need to happen in the bedroom. It can start way before then.

Plenty of women complain that they’re missing out on foreplay. It’s generally true that us girls do need more than guys do.

And whats more, for a woman what we count as foreplay begins way before we start taking our clothes off.

It’s the whole build-up.

So take control of the anticipation you create around sex, and kick things off earlier in the day.

Text him something naughty whilst he’s at work, or out doing something else. Let him know what you’ve got in store for him when you see him.

7) Initiate sex

How do you take initiative in bed? For starters, by making sure that you are initiating sex.

Men initiate sex more than women do.

One survey reported in Psychology Today found that among heterosexual women, only 28 percent said that they are often or always the initiators of sex. In comparison, 50 percent of heterosexual men said the same.

But why?

Sex therapist Sandra A. Davis tells WedMD that women can lack the confidence to be the one who makes the first move:

“Many women I see in my practice are strong, progressive women in all other areas of their lives. But when it comes to an intimate sexual level, they aren’t comfortable expressing themselves, and they feel a man should pursue them.”

So one of the most basic ways to take control in the bedroom is by making it clear when you’re feeling in the mood and want to have sex. Be the one to get the ball rolling (so to speak)

It’s your sex life too, so don’t leave it all up to him.

8) Use dirty talk

Men and women experience sexual arousal differently — both physically and psychologically.

It’s an old cliche that men tend to be more turned on by what they see and women get more turned on by what they hear.

There’s definitely some scientific evidence that women want to hear they are the object of desire. Just knowing you are wanted is a turn-on.

So talking dirty and hearing all those things he loves about you between the sheets can be a great way to turn up your desire.

If sex has been feeling a bit flat recently, injecting some dirty talk can help to bring some life back.

Find out what works best for you. Some women may love to talk dirty, but others will only really like to be on the receiving end of it and hear their partner talk dirty.

9) Tell him what you want and like

Maybe you are always thinking things like ‘How can I give pleasure to my partner in bed?’

Whilst that’s very considerate of you, you might want to flip the script.

Part of taking charge in the bedroom is not being afraid to put your needs first sometimes. It’s perfectly ok to prioritize your pleasure just as much as your partners. 

Make sure that you get yours. And one of the best ways to do this is to tell him what works for you and what doesn’t.

I once had an ex say to me “loads of other girls like that”. Well good for them hun, but I am not one of them.

We’re all unique and we shouldn’t assume to know what our sexual partners want from us. There’s often a temptation to be polite and not speak up when a sexual partner is doing something that doesn’t work for you.

But to have better sex lives, we all need to try to have open conversations about it.

That’s how you can take control and responsibility for your own orgasm.

10) Explore your own body

When it comes to sex, take time to explore your own body.

You might find that certain positions, techniques or toys make you feel more aroused than others.

Masturbation and self-exploration can be a really good way to figure out what you like and don’t like.

The more confident you can feel in your own skin, the more confident you are likely to feel with a partner too.

Touching yourself in front of your partner can also be a really great way to take control in bed and turn them on.

The key to taking charge in the bedroom as a woman

If you want to feel more in control when it comes to sex, then by all means go for it.

It could be for several reasons:

  • To turn on your partner
  • To gain more control over your own pleasure
  • Just to spice things up a bit

But it’s important to point out that you also don’t have to take control if you don’t want to. Especially if the desire to do so is purely for someone else’s benefit or because you feel like you should.

At the end of the day, we all have different preferences and personality types.

Also there’s a subtle but important difference between taking control and being controlling.

Sex is often best when no one in particular is in control — you both are. Because sex is a dance that involves both of you.

It can be fun to let them take the lead sometimes, and you lead other times.

To conclude: Get specific advice for your unique situation

I hope this article has given you plenty of ideas on how you can take more control in bed as a woman.

There are some practical and actionable tips you can try straight away. But the truth is that whatever is happening in your relationship (and in the bedroom) right now is unique to you.

That’s why it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.

With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice specific to your life and your experiences…

Relationship Hero is a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations, like the sometimes messy subject of your sex life.

They’re a very popular resource for people facing this sort of challenge.

How do I know?

Well, I reached out to them a few months ago when I was going through a dry patch in my own relationship.

After being lost in my thoughts for so long about how to change things, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

I went into it thinking sex was one of the issue but it turns out it was something entirely different. It was simply manifesting in different ways in my relationship.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

Click here to get started.

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

Click here to get started.