How to make an emotionally unavailable woman fall in love

When you think about the words ‘emotionally unavailable’ do you think of men first? It’s a stereotype that men aren’t as emotional as women, and not as in tune with their feelings.

But women can also be emotionally unavailable, for a variety of reasons. 

Maybe she’s been hurt in the past and tucked her heart away to avoid more pain. Maybe she’s afraid of commitment and being vulnerable. 

Maybe she’s just working so hard on achieving her life goals that she doesn’t have time for a serious relationship.

Being emotionally unavailable isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but if you want something more, there are a few ways to help an emotionally unavailable woman fall in love with you.

Ready to get right into it?  Let’s go:

1) Be patient

It’s going to take time to get an emotionally unavailable woman to lower her defenses, especially if she has trauma in her past. While it may feel a little unfair, if you want to gain her trust, you’ll have to put in most of the effort.

The harder you push an emotionally unavailable woman, the more likely she is to run, and run fast. While you may enjoy a chase, this isn’t the kind that results in a loving and committed relationship.

Funny story: when I was in my very early twenties, I was seeing a guy casually. One day, out of the blue, he told me he was looking to get married and settle down to have a family.

Now, I don’t consider myself emotionally unavailable, but I was a) 20 years old and b) not looking for anything more than a fling. He basically instantly threw cold water on our relationship and I stopped seeing him shortly after, which was probably for the best for both of us.

My point being: be careful making these dramatic sort of statements, especially to an emotionally unavailable woman. You’ll only spook her and undo any relationship you’ve built up so far.

What you really want to do is make her feel that she’s safe with you. How do you do that?

2) Create a safe space

I don’t mean physically, though welcoming her to your living space and not pushing her to do anything intimate are certainly important. What you really want to do is create a safe space for her to connect emotionally, which includes respecting her boundaries.

Your first step is to show her that you’re self-sufficient and independent, so make sure you have your own life outside of the one you want to have with her. She won’t want a needy or clingy man—or one that doesn’t have his finances in order.

Beyond that, be an active listener and open yourself up to her, especially if she makes the effort to reach out. Watch for her to make gestures that say she loves you, without her having to actually say it out loud.

She’ll do small things for you, like bring you your favourite treats or listen to your throwaway comments and take action on them. She’ll try to reach out if you’re apart, even if it’s just to share a silly joke or point you towards a news article she’s found interesting.

Keep an eye out for these small signs and acknowledge them when they happen, but be gentle if it seems like she takes one step forward and ten steps back.

3) Let her be alone

An emotionally unavailable woman needs her alone time, and she also needs the space to evaluate your relationship. Let her have it, and by doing so you can also show that you’re independent.

Just let her also know that you’re there to support her when she needs it. By giving her the time to adjust and change, you’ll let her come to you when she’s ready—which is the best way to get her to fall in love with you.

When you make a promise to an emotionally unavailable woman, it’s incredibly important that you keep it or she’ll feel that you’re untrustworthy and she’s right to keep you at arm’s length.

And when you’re both ready, you can discuss your relationship, and you can make sure she knows exactly what your goals are.

4) Show her what you want your life to be

You want to show an emotionally unavailable woman that you want her to be part of your life, but you aren’t going to jump right into trying to force her to commit. Trying to force her to do anything will only make her push back harder.

She’ll have trouble expressing her needs and emotions, at least at first. She’ll also have trouble understanding and empathizing with your needs.

Having goals outside of your relationship is healthier for both of you. So go on adventures if you want to, follow your career dreams, and pursue your hobbies. And if your woman shows an interest, be sure to include her.

When you’re a little more settled in your relationship, you can start making your relationship goals more clear by discussing them with your partner.

5) Communicate about your relationship

Feeling ready to talk about your relationship and where to go with it? There are a few strategies you can employ to move your relationship to the next level while keeping an emotionally unavailable woman comfortable.

If your partner still needs physical space and time to be alone, try texting instead. And communicate your emotions to each other by leaving notes; I know I find it way easier to communicate by writing instead of speaking.

You can also try reaching out to a professional: a relationship coaching service like Relationship Hero helped me when I was going through some relationship woes with a previous partner.

Sometimes you just need someone else to listen and offer advice from a place of neutral distance, which is what the excellent, certified coaches at Relationship Hero do. The coach I spoke to about my relationship was kind and welcoming, and I really felt that they had my best interests at heart.

The best part about having a coach is that they’re focused on guiding you towards solutions to problems. Nothing wrong with the value of talk therapy, but an emotionally unavailable woman will certainly appreciate a more concrete way to move forward without feeling like she’s being blamed.

6) Use “I” instead of “you”

If you’re running into snags in your relationship and you want to talk it out, be careful about accusing your partner. Putting all the emotional responsibility on her will only make her defensive and nervous.

Instead try communicating how you felt about something she did, and offer a possible solution.

For example, instead of telling her, ‘You always focus on your career first!’ you can try, ‘I feel hurt when you ignore me for your job.’  As a solution, book a date for dinner after her regular work day ends, so she won’t work overtime.

What if she never responds?

You’ve tried the above tips and you still feel like your partner is never going to be emotionally available and will never love you?

It happens, unfortunately. Whether the reason behind her distance is past trauma or just disinterest, you deserve a partner who will commit to you and support you.

So if you’re feeling rejected or discouraged, take a step back. Evaluate your relationship and whether you truly want to continue with it.

You may actually come to the conclusion that your partner’s been displaying small signs of being in love with you that you couldn’t see properly until you stepped back. Or you may need to try harder to communicate with each other.

Breaking through that wall will take time and work, so it’s not something you should take on as a whim, or without knowing what it might entail.

The bottom line

At the end of the day, a relationship shouldn’t be totally one-sided, where you’re the only one putting in any effort. If it’s affecting your mental health or draining your emotional battery, you should definitely rethink the relationship or seek out help from a professional.

That being said, when an emotionally unavailable woman lets you in and feels safe to express her love and commitment to you, it’s a rush like no other. You’ll know that she’s truly fallen in love with you, and together you can take your relationship to new heights.