A lot of people would probably say they have a type when dating.
It could be the tall, dark and brooding vibe. It could be the laid-back blonde with blue eyes.
But what if your type seems to be exclusively white? Does this preference actually translate into prejudice?
This article will offer some practical tips on how to get over white fever and start dating Asian men again.
Don’t be hard on yourself, know that there are lots of subconscious reasons you might feel this way
First things first, don’t beat yourself up about how you feel. Feeling guilty or telling yourself you are wrong for feeling this way won’t do any good.
Attraction is complex.
Attraction is almost like our beliefs and opinions — we think it is ours, but in reality, it was largely given to us.
Think about it, you don’t pop out of the womb having certain ideas or preferences.
No, what happens is that as you go through life, the people you meet, the culture you are born into, and the experiences you have all shape you.
Here’s the ugly truth:
Whiteness has long been heralded in societies as both a standard of beauty and also of status.
That’s exactly why when it comes to racial preferences in dating, there are lots of societal factors at play.
1) Pop culture
Traditionally popular culture has made white faces more glamorized and aspirational.
We all know that other races have always been and still are drastically underrepresented in Hollywood, and not reflected on screen in the same way.
The same goes for the music industry too.
If all the so-called “heart-throbs” you grew up with posters of on your wall were white, if it was white men that were idealized, then you begin to understand how preferences are shaped from such an early age.
The message you are being sent on a daily basis is that white men are more worthy of being looked up to and desired.
2) Deeply ingrained societal beliefs
At the end of the day, pop culture is a reflection of deeper societal beliefs and status.
Racism is still a widespread issue in the world. It takes shape in both overt and subtle forms.
Centuries of imbalanced cultural and racial beliefs unsurprisingly can lead to these kinds of stronger preferences for white men.
It could be that on an unconscious level, society has made you think that certain cultures and races are somehow superior.
Assistant professor of communication and media at the University of Michigan, Apryl Williams, told Mic that so much of our thoughts on race are not really are own:
“Ultimately, a lot of our social behaviors are deeply rooted in ideologies about race, even if it’s very implicitly, even if you’re not thinking about it. The things that you do on a daily basis, where you buy your house, where you send your kids to school, who you date, who you marry — race plays a part in all of that,”
Some academics have pointed to a term known as hypergamy as one of the explanations for why as an Asian woman you may have a subconscious preference for dating exclusively white men.
In the social science world, the term is used to describe the practice of marrying someone who you see as being of higher social status or caste.
As Hawaiian Libertarian explains in the definition of hypergamy:
“Hypergamy simply means women’s base sexual nature is attracted to a higher status in relation to herself. In other words, if she does not “look up” to a man in some way, she will not be attracted to that man.”
If a fundamentally racist society bestows a greater privilege and prestige upon the status of white men, you too can end up absorbing those preferences.
If your brain is prompting you to find someone who will up your own status in society, it might also jump to the conclusion that a white man better offers this to you.
As Asian American writer Laura Nguyen explains in The Daily Californian:
“When I openly voiced my attraction to white dudes, it was partly a survival tactic. As an oppressed woman and racial minority, I wanted the power and privilege that came along with the acquisition of racial, gender, and class privileges that I otherwise wouldn’t have access”
4) You can’t force attraction, but you can question your preferences
It’s easy to just shrug off racial preferences just as we might any other preference.
Who knows why, right? After all, “the heart wants what the heart wants”.
But as we start to unpick the fabric of racial preferences, as we did above, we start to see how it’s not that simple.
Rather than hide behind personal preferences it can be worthwhile digging deeper below the surface if you do want to get over your white fever and start dating Asian men again.
It’s not about judging yourself, but you still might want to embark on some constructive self-analyzing when it comes to attraction.
That might involve:
1) Questioning what it is about white men that you think you find more attractive
You might think you just find white guys more attractive, but why?
Understanding why you feel the way you feel won’t necessarily change it (especially overnight) but it helps to confront and question deeply ingrained beliefs that often form as early as childhood.
It’s only by having greater awareness of yourself that you can push past the stereotypes that have shaped your potential subtle prejudice towards white men and against Asian men.
2) Questioning what it is about Asian men that you don’t feel attracted to
Try to figure out what internalized thoughts and messages you may have been telling yourself about Asian men. And where they could have come from?
For example, studies looking at online dating habits and race found that Asian Americans are the least likely of men to be matched.
Are there certain stereotypes that you hold which you feel are stearing you away from dating Asian men?
3) Do an inventory of your previous partners
Another good way to get to know and understand yourself better is to take a look back over your dating history.
If you find it difficult to pinpoint generally what it is about white men that you’ve been drawn to, then think specifically about your past relationships.
What was it that you liked about them?
On reflection, were there perhaps key physical features and characteristics that were specifically about their race?
If there were, then how might these notions reinforce certain stereotypes? For example, seeing white men as more confident or powerful, etc.
4) Ask yourself if it could be a fetish
What’s the difference between a preference and a fetish?
Well, a fetish is defined as a form of sexual desire which is linked to an abnormal degree to one particular feature. That feature can be someone’s race.
So if you vehemently will only date white men and instantly dismiss the idea of dating an Asian man, it could potentially be bordering on fetish territory.
On the other hand, maybe you feel like dating white men has been more circumstantial.
For example, if you grow up in a predominantly white neighborhood and white men make up the overwhelmingly vast majority of people you meet, then it could be that dating white men over Asian men may be (at least in part) more circumstantial.
5) Don’t try to force attraction, try to repair your relationship with yourself
Here’s the truth, you cannot force attraction. No matter how much we wish we could sometimes.
You might not be able to shift deeply ingrained preferences right away or try to force yourself to “snap out of it” and suddenly be attracted to different races.
Our sexuality might be pre programmed into us, but what we find attractive isn’t. Instead it is an undeniably complex and tangled mixture of complicated factors that draw us to one person over another.
But what you can do is seek to question yourself, and reprogram yourself about any myths or stereotypes you may be holding onto.
And not only about men, but about yourself too.
As you broaden your mind, it will hopefully open your heart too (along with your potential dating pool).
To achieve this, you may find you need to go back to basics and first reconstruct your reality and the relationship you have with yourself.
I learned this (and much more) from the world-renowned shaman Rudá Iandé. In this excellent free video, Rudá explains how you can lift the mental chains and get back to the core of your being.
A word of caution – Rudá isn’t your typical shaman.
He’s not going to tell you that everything will be alright. Nor will he sprout meaningless positivity solely aimed at comforting you.
Instead, he’s going to force you to look inwards. You’re going to face the real you and get to know that person much better.
It’s a powerful approach, but one that works, especially if you want to revolutionize your relationships with others.
If you think you’re up for the challenge, if you’re ready to find the love you deserve, there’s no better time to start than today.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.