If you’re in love with a married man you know how bad it feels to be the “other woman.”
The problem is that so many men say they’re going to leave their wife and be with you but never actually do it.
Here’s how to go from talk to action.
I’m not here to judge how you fell in love with a married man or what brought you to the point of wanting him to leave his wife, I’m just here to give you the tools to get the job done.
How to get a married man to leave his wife: A 14-step guide
1) Stop having sex with him
This is probably not what you expected to read in a guide on how to get a man to leave his wife, but you need to stop having sex with him.
If you want him to really leave, you need to turn off his supply of sweet love-making and replace it with a seductive but mostly unavailable potential.
This will drive him crazy and make him start taking his feelings for you more seriously (if he has any).
Many men get sexually and emotionally frustrated in their marriage and begin looking outside it to satisfy their desires.
When those desires get satisfied, they generally follow a well-worn tactic: they stay with their wife and family while still getting their loving on the side and often promising to leave their current wife “soon” or “in the future.”
But it never happens.
If you want it to happen, you need to show him that you don’t give away sex without commitment.
“No matter what they say, men are mostly motivated by sex.
“If he can have great sex with you whenever he wants, and still be safely married and living at home, why wouldn’t he?
“Breakups are hard.
“Divorce is even harder.
“It’s hard on the finances, hard on the kids, and hard on the lifestyle. If he can have sex outside his marriage and stay with his wife, he will. Period.
“No matter what he says otherwise.”
2) Be less available and accommodating to his schedule
Related to the previous point, it’s crucial that you stop being too accommodating to your married man’s schedule and desires.
If you want to know how to get a married man to leave his wife, think about how it looks from his perspective when you’re always at his beck and call.
It makes him happy, certainly, but it also – inevitably – lowers his respect and core attraction for you.
There’s a difference between him wanting to be with you and him wanting to just spend time with you.
In fact, it’s the biggest difference imaginable.
And if you want him to see you as a real option for his future who merits him taking the major step of breaking up his marriage, you need to show him that you’re a woman with high standards.
Sure, you can tell him you have strong feelings for him.
But don’t ever let him think he can jerk you around and keep you as his side piece.
3) Be the best listener in his life (but make it short and sweet)
Like I said, many men who are getting busy outside their marriage are feeling emotionally or physically unsatisfied.
One of the most common complaints that men have is that their wife just doesn’t listen to them or understand them at all.
That’s why if you want to know how to get a married man to leave his wife you need to pay attention to providing some of what she’s not providing.
The trick here is to ace the balancing act between being the best listener in his life but also not being overly available.
When you are available, wow his socks off with the way you understand him and want to give him your ear.
But make this relatively short and sweet.
Show him what he’s missing out on by not putting you first and by not committing to you.
Show him the bright future ahead if he has the courage to leave his wife and be with you.
“Men rarely get heard, especially the married ones,” advises Bonobology.
“Take interest in him, ask him about his workday, or how he unwinds once he reaches home. Ask him about his favorite drink and share a few laughs around it.”
4) Learn to find and claim your personal power
Getting a married man to leave his wife isn’t easy and it isn’t usually quick.
Far too often, it’s the start of a disappointing saga of let-downs, false starts, and confusion.
If you want a married man to leave his wife that’s really only the first step
You want more, right?
So, if you want to get a married man to leave his wife and actually have a relationship with you then you need to change the way you look at love and romance.
There’s a reason why you don’t find fulfillment in relationships – you’re reliant on your partner for happiness and not yourself.
But when you learn to trust yourself and tap into the incredible pool of power within you, you’ll find what you’ve been searching for all along.
You see, we all have an amazing amount of potential. We’re all capable of achieving more than we realize. Happiness is in reach, we just look for it in all the wrong places.
And this has a knock-on effect on everything else in our lives, including our relationships.
I learned this from the shaman Rudá Iandê. He’s helped thousands of people restore balance to their lives, discover their personal power, and live life with passion at the heart of everything they do.
He uses a unique approach that combines ancient shamanic techniques with an effective modern-day twist.
In his excellent free video, Rudá explains how you can build the life and relationships you’ve always wanted, simply by following a few of his techniques.
So if you’re ready to take the plunge and live the life you know you deserve, check out his genuine advice below.
5) Look hotter than his wife
This may sound basic or dumb, but I assure you it’s not. It’s extremely important that you look hotter than his wife if you want him to switch teams.
Men tend to be very visually oriented.
If he consistently sees you looking a lot better than his wife looks, then at some point his heart, brain, and libido is much more likely to jump the railroad tracks and head for the welcoming lights of your station.
But before he can do that he needs to see evidence that you’re really worth it.
And as much as your amazing personality, listening skills, and overall presence and compatibility do matter (and they do) you also need to remind him that you’re a really hot piece of work.
One note of caution here…
Don’t bother with see-through slinky dresses and overly showy outfits or hairstyles.
This married man will tend to be much more impressed by more understated style and outfits.
For example, show some cleavage but not too much…
Let him get a glimpse of your caboose under your dress but only the basic outline…
Keep him guessing and make him drool with desire.
6) Cheer him on, but don’t be a doormat
One of the worst things that happens in a marriage is that partners often begin to take each other for granted.
You could say this might be equally or more true of the husband in this case taking his wife for granted – and you could be right.
But for the purpose of getting him to leave his wife and be with you, you want to assume that he’s feel pretty neglected by her.
He feels like she doesn’t appreciate her and doesn’t care much, and it’s left him feeling low and deflated.
What he needs is a cheerleader who really believes in him and backs him up.
That’s where you come in: bright, fresh, and full of enthusiasm about this guy and what he’s capable of!
“Making a married man fall in love with you is like solving all his needs and fulfilling his desires.
“In marriage life gets dull, and people can forget the power of appreciating each other.
“You might not blame the woman for failing to give the man the much-needed ego boost by showering the man with an appreciation for him and his actions.”
A note of caution on this is not to overdo it.
Yes, you want him to see that you are able to give him what his wife is unable to.
But you do not want to be a doormat for him or worship at his feet. Take it easy and give him praise now and then, but not as if he is some idol.
Make him earn it.
7) Consistently tease him in a mature and seductive way
Along with being there for this guy in a way his wife is not and being your own woman who doesn’t bend to his whims, you do want to tease and seduce him…
As I mentioned, it’s a good idea to turn off the supply of sex or limit it to a very small amount.
Even if you feel things are getting serious, don’t let him just talk, demand action.
If he’s only saying he might leave his wife, you’re only saying you “might” have a special outfit for him on Friday night.
There’s a whole world of maybes out there, but I’m guessing you’re not looking for maybe, you’re looking for yes.
So if that’s the case, you need to tease and seduce him on a regular basis without giving him everything he wants.
Text him provocative messages that leave a lot up to the imagination…
Tell him you have been thinking of him but don’t elaborate…
Let his imagination run wild when you say you’ve been making a lemon meringue pie at home and ended up getting cream everywhere.
If he’s got some neurons firing up there his mind will already be going wild and he’ll already be pitching a tent in his jeans.
This guy needs to be seduced and stunned by your beauty. Do your thing, girl.
8) Demand that he be honest and transparent with you
One of the most common mistakes that women make when they want a man to leave his wife is accepting half-answers and evasion.
They tell themselves that someday he’ll open up and commit to them, but someday never comes.
That’s why it’s important that you demand that this guy be open and transparent with you.
That’s especially the case if he tried to avoid mentioning he was married when you first started your affair (which is a giant red flag by the way).
You have to abandon your fear that you will lose him by being too tough.
If he values you beyond a fling then he’s not going to ditch you for being a bit hard on him.
If anything he’s going to respect and love you more because of the respect and love you have for yourself.
Far too many of us undervalue ourselves and put someone else on a pedestal, setting ourselves up for a lifetime of romantic failure and disappointment.
Never, ever undervalue yourself, even if you’re deeply in love.
Like Tina Fey writes, one of the top signs a married man will actually leave his wife for you is that he’s fully honest with you.
“If you’re certain that you’ve found true love with a married man, he’s going to do everything he can to be with you, he’ll be 100% open and honest with you about every facet of his life (including his marriage and family), and there will be no doubts about his intentions and whether or not he’s going to follow through with them.”
9) Tickle his funny bone
One of the best ways to get to a man’s heart is by tickling his funny bone.
Making him laugh on a consistent basis is a way to cheer up his day and see you as someone he’d love to spend his life with.
If you want a married man to leave his wife, you can’t look at the situation as one or two factors that will “steal him away.”
Really it’s all the factors added together that make him eventually decide to leave his wife for you instead of staying.
And one of the biggest factors is sense of humor and how much he enjoys laughing around you.
“If he goes out of his way to put a smile on your face or make you laugh, that’s a clear sign that he’s falling for you.
“As previously mentioned, a man will display the way that he feels through what he does,” writes Bibi Jannat.
“For example, he may go out of his way to find the perfect gift ideas to get you a present for no reason.”
Of course, you don’t want to be the class clown by any means.
But you do want to make it clear that you’re not a grim woman who’s trying to methodically remove him from his wife and “get” him.
You’re high value, you’re awesome and you’re a prize!
Your sense of humor should just be more confirmation of that for him so that he feels like you’re not dependent on him committing to you but it will be a major benefit for him if he does…
10) Don’t try to confront his wife
One of the worst mistakes that many women make is trying to confront the wife of a married man they love.
This is such a bad decision and it sounds ridiculous, but it really happens quite a lot which is why I need to mention it here.
Specifically, I need to emphasize: don’t do this. Don’t ever do this.
Even if you confront his wife about the affair and convince her somehow that her marriage is over, the husband is going to hold that against you and feel embarrassment, emasculation, and bitterness.
Even more likely, however, is that you confront her and break up the marriage and also break up your affair.
Busting everything open in public and having a loving reunion scene where you elope with your ring-toting Romeo looks good in the movies, but in real life, it’s a lot less dramatic.
And a lot less successful.
If you blow up his relationship with his wife he’s going to be furious. And he’ll also lose the ability to trust you.
Plus it shows that you don’t respect his ability to choose what he does for himself.
Do you really want to be with someone who you basically tried to force to be with you?
“Respect his wife because she is the innocent party in the relationship, and she is where you want to be,” advises Leave Her for Me.
“If you are nasty to her, when you finally take on her position, the same could happen to you, so be more understanding.”
11) Let him buy you gifts and take you out
Far too many women accept a married man treating them like a side piece who he’s ashamed of and wants to keep hidden.
Unless you want to be someone’s “dirty little secret,” you need to demand better of him…
Tell him you love a pair of shoes that you see while out on a date with him and say you just wish so much that someone would get them for you (wink, wink).
Ask him if he’s tried the new cocktail bar downtown…
If he’s too worried to be seen by friends out with you then he’s not going to leave his wife for you.
This guy needs to fully realize that if he won’t take a risk and a chance on you then you won’t take a risk and a chance on him.
Sure, he’s married and you’re (presumably) not…
But even if he has kids and a long marriage, that doesn’t make you his plaything.
It also doesn’t make you his therapist.
He still has all the same things to do to win your heart that any man would have to do, and you’re not rolling out the welcome mat for him if it’s just to wipe his muddy boots on for a few nights…
Not going to happen, guy…
12) Be completely honest with yourself about the future
As I’ve said, it’s vital that you demand honesty from him.
But you also have to give it to yourself and not hold anything back.
Far too many women aren’t honest with themselves about seeing a married man.
They either lie about his actions and behavior towards them in order to feel reassured, or they lie about the depth of their own feelings.
In the first situation, they basically pretend this guy is serious about them when he’s given zero indication of that and said and done the opposite multiple times.
In the second situation, they lie and tell themselves it’s fine if it’s just a fling anyway when inside they know it’s far from fine and they’re falling in love.
Be honest with yourself!
Failure to do so is only going to hurt you more.
“You need to think about the future before starting out dating a guy who is married.
“If you can honestly answer that yes, you think there is a future for you both, then it may be a circumstance where dating a married guy is ok — if he is one of them that is also in an unhappy, unsavable marriage.”
13) Trigger his hero instinct
There’s a concept that’s gaining ground in the relationship world that explains a lot about men and why they fall in love or not.
It’s called his hero instinct.
This revolutionary concept helps explain so much about why men cheat, what makes them fall in love and why they commit or run away.
Nobody is completely predictable, of course, but once you understand the hero instinct you’ll grasp so much more about your married guy and the reasons for his behavior.
You need to offer more than just an exciting presence in bed or a good conversation partner.
You need to tap into his hero instinct.
The secret to what makes a man want to commit and fall in love is tied to early evolution and a man’s deepest needs.
Men want to be a protector and providers for the woman they care about.
As relationship psychologist James Bauer writes, this desire is something that a woman has to bring out in her man by triggering his hero instinct.
Bauer explains how to do it in this free video.
14) Be kinder to him than his wife is
I’ve emphasized in this article that you should not be overly available or doting on the married man that you want for yourself.
But at the same time, it’s very important to treat him well and be kind.
What I mean here is that you don’t want to be the kind of woman who’s stressing him out and making him seek an escape from his regular routine.
You want to be the one he runs to, not the one he runs from.
You want to be his goal, not a cheap fling who he uses and then pushes away.
It’s vital that you treat him well and be kinder to him than his wife.
Because when it comes time to decide about his future or you give him an ultimatum to choose you or her, he’s going to think about your overall behavior.
Have you respected him, cared for him, and given him his space to process things?
Or have you pushed him, pressured him, and treated him in a disrespectful or manipulative manner?
It matters a lot and it could make the difference between him choosing you or his spouse.
“Some wives become monsters with time.
“I honestly don’t know why they become so bitter, but they become so mean that their husbands can’t tolerate them anymore.
“She practically drives her men away.”
You don’t want to be that woman, ever. Otherwise, you become part of the same vicious cycle.
Will he really leave his wife?
A man’s decision to leave his wife is deeply personal and difficult. It all depends on the nature of the relationship he has, the strength of his connection to you, and his own values and personality.
Here are the main factors that a man may consider when deciding whether to leave his wife for you. Get enough of them in your favor and there’s a high probability he’ll choose you.
- Who is the more sexually attracted to?
- Who does he prefer to talk to?
- Who is more fun and relaxing to be around?
- Who looks better?
- Who treats him more kindly and well?
- Who gives him the space he needs?
- Who supports him in tough times?
- Who respects his beliefs and values?
- Who does he imagine a better future with?
- Who will care about his kids, friends, and relatives more going forward?
It’s crucial that you think about your relationship with this man as a whole and be honest about it.
When we develop feelings for someone it’s so tempting and easy to see them through rose-colored glasses and imagine that they care about us when they don’t.
As I’ve mentioned, the most common way this happens with married guys is by imagining he sees you as much more than just a sexual adventure or release.
“Oh come on, there were all those times we did X, Y, and Z,” you might say. “It was clearly about more than sex.”
But are you absolutely sure about that? Or at least highly confident?
“If the totality of your relationship with him is physical (you only have sex when he’s with you, and never get around to just spending time together or doing things that intimate couples do), you may want to come to terms with the fact that he may not leave his wife.”
Count the amount of times you’ve been with him and he hasn’t mentioned or tried to get sex.
Do they outnumber the amount of times he was all about getting down to sex?
Be honest here, because if he’s mainly been focused on sex when he’s around you it’s probably because he’s mainly been seeing you to have sex.
If he really has seen you many times without being sex-focused and gotten to know you on a deeper level, however, it can be a very different story…
What comes next after he leaves his wife?
I touched on the hero instinct earlier – it’s the perfect remedy for the situation you’re facing.
Because once a man’s hero instinct is triggered, he’ll only have eyes for you. You’ll reach a part of him that no woman has ever managed to reach before.
And in return, he’ll be compelled to commit to you and love you like he’s never loved another woman.
So if you’re ready to take that plunge and reach new heights in your relationship, make sure to check out relationship expert James Bauer’s invaluable advice.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.