His Secret Obsession Review (2023): My Verdict

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Welcome to the only His Secret Obsession review you’ll ever need.

I’ve not only read this book from cover to cover, but I’ve also had the chance to apply its teachings to my own personal relationships. Here are a few key insights:

  • “His Secret Obsession” by James Bauer serves as your ultimate guide to understanding and mastering communication with your partner, fostering a long-lasting and loving relationship.
  • Discover how to tap into the “hero instinct” within your man, with practical advice backed by extensive research and expertise, leading to a stronger and more fulfilling connection.
  • Transform your relationship using subtle yet effective communication strategies, becoming your man’s secret obsession and deepening your bond like never before.

In this review, I’ll share my thoughts on what His Secret Obsession is really like, who it can help, and what I liked and didn’t like about it.

By the end of this review, you’ll have a clear understanding of whether this book is the right fit for you.

Now, let me share my overall impression with you before diving into the specifics of my review.

My verdict

I can’t sing the praises of His Secret Obsession highly enough. From both the perspective of a relationship expert and a woman seeking relationship advice, this book delivered.

No matter where you are at in your dating or relationship life, this book is full of practical tips to help you get the most out of any relationship.

It’s down to earth, it’s relatable and it’s backed by years of research.

It’s definitely something I will be recommending to my readers in need.

However, you may wonder why I am so confident in this assertion. Allow me to provide you with a detailed account of my experience with this book, beginning with an explanation of its contents

What is His Secret Obsession?


His Secret Obsession is a relationship guide by James Bauer, a well-known dating and relationship expert.

The book is aimed at women no matter what stage of their relationship they are at — whether you’re still in the midst of finding a guy or have been married for the past 20 years.

What makes His Secret Obsession different to other relationship guides?

It empowers women to communicate with men in a way that is receptive to what they actually want. He calls them “secrets” but there’s nothing nefarious about it.

It’s just smart psychology.

These “secrets” take the form of specific words, phrases, and communication tactics that help trigger a man’s hero instinct (more about that below), and in turn:

  • Build long-lasting relationships
  • Break down barriers, and
  • Heighten attraction in a relationship (all good stuff!).

You get access to an eBook (as a PDF) and the audiobook. This is a nice touch, as you can read it on the go, or give it a listen while driving, taking the train, or on a flight.

While many of the concepts are simple (it’s almost like an ‘aha’ moment when on the first read), based on my own personal experience I know how powerful they can be.

Who can it help?

The idea of His Secret Obsession is to help women become their man’s ‘secret obsession’.

Sounds good, right?

Who wouldn’t want their partner (or future partner) to be completely obsessed with them?

In his book, James takes a good look at a number of different issues you might have faced in your relationship. All those roadblocks you keep hitting with each new (or old) relationship, such as:

  • Why men lose interest in women after such intense initial attraction
  • Why men have trouble committing to long-term relationships, especially when things seem so perfect at the start
  • Why men pull away. Ever had a partner go radio silent? James explains why and what to do about it.

James Bauer tackles these issues through a series of 14 attraction secrets that help women communicate better with their partner (or future partner).


Why you can trust this review

I’m Tina Fey, founder of Love Connection.

Although my website is dedicated to love, that doesn’t mean my own love life has always been smooth sailing.  

Finding Mr. Right is never simple and I’ve had my own struggles along the way.

Long story short: two years of dating the best man I’ve ever met, I noticed that the spark was gone and he was pulling away. I tried to reconnect with him on so many different levels, but nothing seemed to work.

So I decided to get a copy of His Secret Obsession. I’d heard great things about James Bauer, and wanted to see if any of the advice would work for me and my relationship.

The short answer is yes: today, I am happily engaged, taking that next step in our healthy relationship and I couldn’t be happier.

This book showed me exactly what was missing.

As I dive into this review, I will be offering both my view as a relationship expert, along with my own personal experience with this book.

Let’s look inside book

His Secret Obsession is broken down into 3 main parts:

  • How the hero instinct works
  • The words and phrases you need to know to trigger it in your man
  • Text message formulas that you can start sending your man straight away.

The book itself is 217 pages long, and there are 17 chapters.

Throughout the book, you’ll come across 9 different “signals” which you can use on your man. They are:

  • The “I owe you” signal
  • The “private island” signal
  • The “X-ray question”
  • The “ex-back” signal
  • The “glimpse” phrase
  • The “damsel in distress” signal
  • The secret “currency” of happy relationships
  • The “silent action” signals
  • The “fascination” signal

For each signal, James Bauer gives you the words, phrases and text messages to use. These are more like “templates” that you can adapt to suit the circumstances of your particular relationship. 

What I like most about the signals is that they’re subtle and can be worked into a conversation without him ever suspecting you’re triggering his hero instinct. 

What is the hero instinct

It’s time to talk more about the hero instinct.

It’s a relatively unknown term in the relationship world. In fact, I had no idea what it was before I picked up this book. But, as I discovered, it’s helped to change a lot of lives for the better.

So, what exactly is it?

While all men are different, they all have one thing in common: that’s their biological drive to step up for the woman he cares about and earn her respect in return.

Men are driven by these three basic things in life:

  1. To live a meaningful life and feel appreciated.
  2. To provide for those he cares about.
  3. To be respected by those around him.

Triggering the hero instinct in your man is quite literally the answer to whatever relationship problem you’re going through.

Whether you’re trying to win over a man who has eyes for someone else. Want to rekindle your marriage and rebuild that connection. Or you’re trying to stop your man’s eyes from straying elsewhere.

The solution lies in tapping into his hero instinct.


How to trigger the hero instinct

hero instinct

James Bauer doesn’t just introduce you to this game-changing concept. He also helps you trigger it in your man.

Don’t be fooled by the name. There was no way you’d catch me playing damsel in distress and watching my partner fly in with a cape to save the day.

Instead, it’s about making him feel like your everyday hero.

The best part is, men, don’t even realize they have this need. Once you trigger it, it will open new opportunities in your relationship that you never saw possible.

The book doesn’t just leave you hanging.

James Bauer dives into signals and text message formulas that will help you trigger this instinct in your man. Here’s some of the practical advice you will find inside:

  • Words and phrases you can use that affect a man a lot more than you might have realized. Some women already use these without knowing it and unintentionally trigger the instinct in their men.
  • Ways you can build your confidence to keep a man interested and eyes on you. This comes with a deeper understanding of the way men think.
  • Steps you can take to trigger your man’s hero instinct.
  • The language you can use to speak to men that instigates their excitement, interest, and pursuit for you.

James also goes through the magical 12-word text. Yes, you read that right. It’s just 12 simple words that can have a powerful impact on your man.


My experience with His Secret Obsession

I was skeptical at first, but the more I read, the more it just made sense.

Coming from a background buried deep in relationships, it was easy to see just how James’ theory worked. It’s nothing new. He has simply brought years of research into the modern-day and shows a deep understanding of how relationships work.

So, I put the ideas into action.

I started off with the 12-word text, and it set things in motion straight away. I had no clue those 12 words would get such a response out of my man.

I then used some of the other tips offered in the book:

  • Asking my man for help: Once again, I knew I didn’t need his help. I’m not that type of woman. What I learned in the book is that he needed to feel helpful. So, I asked him to help with my dripping tap. I called him up when I was walking home to keep me company in the dark. He responded so well to all of this, I wondered why it had taken me so long to try it.
  • Showing him support: While I have always been there for my man, I haven’t been very good at showing it. With the tips James offers, I started really putting in the effort to support him in everything he does, while also making sure he had the space he needed to follow his dreams. Turns out, within a few short months of doing this, he opened up to me about wanting to change career paths but being too scared about giving it a go. Of course, I stood by him in this.
  • Appreciating the small stuff: When you have been in a relationship for a while (as we had), all those small things tend to get forgotten and lost along the way. Life gets busy! After reading this book, I took the time to actually appreciate all these small things once again. And when I did, my man reciprocated, and we grew closer together.

I went from being in a relationship I wasn’t sure about to now being engaged with a man I couldn’t be more in love or connected with. His Secret Obsession definitely worked for me.

How much does it cost?


This is my biggest fear when it comes to self-help books. Am I going to be on-sold each step of the way? Will have I have to make five purchases just to access the information I was after?

That’s not the case here.

His Secret Obsession is yours for life with just one payment of $47. Not too much of a gamble if you’re determined to revamp your dating and relationship life.

Plus, you have a 60-day money-back guarantee. So, if the book doesn’t work out for you, then you can get your money back.

Pros of the book…

Let’s start first with what I liked most about His Secret Obsession.

  • Fact-based. To truly understand the hero instinct and how it works, you need to know where it comes from and how it’s back by research. James goes through this in detail in his book, giving you a deeper understanding of the concept to help you when it comes time to put it into practice.
  • Comprehensive: It explores relationships and dating from a number of angles and opens the door to more effective communication between men and women in romantic relationships. James doesn’t just introduce you to the concept and leaves you to figure out the rest. He really hashes it out the why and how of the hero instinct, so you are left with a well-rounded view.
  • Practical: There’s nothing worse than a self-help book that doesn’t offer up any tips or strategies. That’s not the case here. Following the strategies James’ shares, I was able to actively trigger the hero instinct in my man and understand our relationship on a whole new level.
  • Expertise: If there’s one thing I can’t overlook, it’s the expertise that James brings to the table in this book. The entire thing is well-researched and James explains the psychology behind every one of his claims.

The cons of the book…

While there was a lot I liked about His Secret Obsession, here is what could be improved.

  • Choice of wording. I feel that many of the concepts introduced in the book, women have actually used before. The truth is, we don’t know we are doing it, or why. I feel this should have been brought to attention more in his book. Rather than spelling it out as a revolutionary way to win men over, it’s simply showing us what works and why, and some of this we have used before. That is a much more powerful message for me as a reader.
  • 12-word text follow-up. The 12-word text works. There’s no doubt about that. What I would have loved to see is a little follow-up to this. What next? I definitely got the response I wanted but could have done with a bit more guidance on how to keep it going.

Who is James Bauer?

James is well known for his earlier book, What Men Secretly Want, which helps women navigate the dating playing field. 

He’s a been a relationship coach for the last 12 years — working with thousands of men and women who wish to spark or strengthen their relationships. 

Through working with thousands of couples, James has uncovered many secrets to cultivating long-lasting relationships. Each relationship is unique, but he has been able to identify common threads in them that have allowed him to put together a guide which can help women gain confidence in their love life. 

When it comes to relationship advice, James Bauer is the real deal.

What are the alternatives to His Secret Obsession?

Are there any alternatives to His Secret Obsession?

If you’re not ready to commit to this book and fork over the money, there are plenty of free resources online for you to learn more about what men really want from you.

You can head to my website Love Connection for free articles on dating, relationships, and love to find the answers you’re looking for when it comes to your romantic life.

There are also plenty of YouTube channels offering free relationship advice. Check out this video on 5 Mistakes Women Make When A Man Pulls Away (and What To Do Instead).



Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

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The above link will give you $50 off your first session - an exclusive offer for Love Connection readers.

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