Throughout my relationship, I’ve used the “His Secret Obsession” phrases to create a loving relationship with my man, using techniques most women have never heard of.
I’ll be talking you through how the phrases work, and how I put them into practice.
But first, to understand how effective they are, you need to know the back story:
What are the His Secret Obsession phrases?
I first came across the book “His Secret Obsession” in the early days of my relationship. Now, I’m not one to read relationship advice books, I think most of them just repeat the same ideas, regurgitated in different ways.
But when I first heard about His Secret Obsession, it caught my eye.
It seemed different…in a good way.
The book doesn’t just explain what the hero instinct is though, it’s all about how to put the theory into practice and get through to your man.
The aim is to understand what men want and how to build the best relationship possible.
And as much as I like to think I know a fair amount of how men work in relationships, by the first few chapters in, I realized there was a lot more beneath the surface.
A lot that I’d been overlooking, and that I could and should be doing in my relationship.
So what is the hero instinct?
Through his research, James Bauer discovered something most women don’t know – what men really want and what drives them to be committed, loving, faithful partners.
And at the heart of it all, is their desire to be your hero.
Now, before you start conjuring up images of superheroes and villains, hear me out:
To feel like a hero, your man simply wants to feel:
- Like he’s earned your respect
- Like he’s able to provide for you
- Like he’s useful in your life
According to Bauer, this is deep-rooted in male DNA — these drivers are so ingrained in men that they themselves don’t always realize that that’s what they’re searching for.
Until a woman comes along and triggers those drivers.
Then, it’s a whole different story. He can’t get enough of her. He wants to be trusted, relied on, he wants to spend time with her and build a future together.
As you can imagine, upon reading this I was curious to put it to the test. A new relationship, and a new theory to put to the test?
It could have gone horribly wrong or wonderfully right – lucky for me it was the latter!
So, where do the secret obsession phrases come into it?
Well, they’re provided throughout parts of the book, and most have been broken down into sections. Different situations and different outcomes. But all lead to one thing:
A stronger, happier relationship.
Each phrase is designed to help you unlock your man’s inner hero. These are phrases you can use subtly, face to face and by text to connect with your man.
Below are some of the different areas where you’ll find the phrases, so I’ve summarized what each is about, and how I personally used them in my relationship:
The 8 His Secret Obsession signals
1) “The Private Island” Signal
Sure, you can get a guy’s attention. But can you keep it?
Can you make him crave to be around you?
Can you make him feel differently about himself just by being near him?
That’s what the private island signal does. With a few simple phrases, he won’t be able to stop thinking about you.
Because you don’t just spark his interest, you change something deep inside him.
Naturally, as one of the first signals in the book, I gave this one a go quite early on in my relationship.
I thought it would be tricky to implement, but in reality, it was simply about tapping into what my man was already interested in. Then, using his interests, I could trigger his hero instinct.
So, I waited for the right opportunity to present itself and I used some of Bauer’s suggested phrases. I adapted them a bit to make it seem more natural.
And then I waited.
I like to think of this signal as a “door opener”. Do your part, then sit back and watch how he takes more interest in the relationship!
2) The “X-ray Question”
Unlike the private island signal, the X-ray question is about understanding what your man wants and needs. It’s about understanding his core values.
Why do you need to know that?
Because until you know what truly matters in his life, you won’t stand a chance of becoming one of those important factors to him.
Now, my partner was like a closed book when we first met. To say it was hard to get through his tough exterior is an understatement.
Is he unique in this?
No. Unfortunately, social norms haven’t been kind to men. To be seen as strong and courageous they’re often encouraged to keep quiet about their wants and needs.
They’re rarely encouraged to express their emotions. Even positive emotions like happiness can get suppressed over time.
And this can, in some cases, result in them being emotionally unavailable, or afraid of commitment. They find it hard to open up and connect. Especially if they’ve been hurt in the past and never had the chance to heal properly.
This was the case with my man.
So when I came across the X-ray question, I jumped at the chance to use it. It was like stumbling across gold.
Finally, I was able to tap into the deep reservoirs he had hidden so well! The phrases are quite discreet, so he didn’t feel like this was a heavy, emotionally-led conversation.
Instead, it all felt pretty relaxed. Roughly two phrases in, and he’d revealed more about what makes him genuinely happy than ever before.
But here’s the genius of these phrases:
It also incorporates how you play a role in his happiness. This way you get a chance to see what really works for him, and you can then use this information to strengthen the relationship.
3) The Glimpse Phrase
As the name implies, the glimpse phrase is about giving him a glimpse into what life with you could be like.
While this may be more useful at the start of your relationship or during the “flirting” stage of things, I actually found it’s helped me out even years into my relationship.
Because I never want him to stop imagining a future together.
The beauty of these phrases lies in tapping into his imagination. Our imaginations are powerful, right?
So once you place yourself in his imagination, all you need to do after is let it do the hard work for you.
And trust me, there are no limits on where his imagination will take him. Here’s an example:
My partner has always been on the fence about having kids. He absolutely adores children, and he would make a fantastic father.
But I understand his hesitancy – he’s afraid of the responsibility. That he won’t live up to it.
So, I wanted him to “glimpse” into our future and imagine just how wonderful it could be if we were to have children one day.
Using the phrases, I planted the idea and let his imagination do the rest.
Once he saw for himself that yes, it will be a scary, exciting new chapter in our lives, but we’ll be a team getting through it together, he started to work through his fears.
Now, I’m not saying this phrase should be used to manipulate your man into doing whatever you want. Not at all.
But if like me, you can see your man wants something deep down, whether it’s a relationship with you, having kids, or taking that trip, you can use the glimpse phrase to help him overcome his fears.
And the best part?
You’re not out there trying to convince him or manipulate him. You simply say the right thing and his own mind will work the rest out for him.
4) The Secret “Currency” of Happy Relationships
There’s one thing that we all want in life. But men especially strive for it.
It’s what drives them to be successful. It’s what makes them go out of their way for you. It’s, essentially, what makes them feel like a hero.
And you’ll be glad to know it’s easy to use this “secret currency” in your relationship.
All you need is…appreciation!
But not the kind where you dish out meaningless words of praise and thanks.
No, it needs to be a little deeper than that. As Bauer teaches, you’ve got to first find out what your man deems as important and worthy of praise.
And then, using the right phrases, you can tap deep into his emotions.
And let’s face it – we’re all happier when we feel appreciated, right?
I’ve always considered myself an appreciative person, in general, and in my relationships.
But when I came across the “secret currency” and how to apply it to my relationship, the change was instant.
And the best part?
The more I implemented these phrases, the more I noticed my man trying to do things for me to gain my approval and appreciation.
Not because he wanted to bask in the glory, but because he genuinely wanted to receive that positive reinforcement. He wanted gratitude that he’d earned fair and square.
At the end of the day, it made him feel good about himself as a man.
And that in return made him a happier partner, which then translated into a happier relationship!
5) The “I Owe You” Signal
This signal makes the most out of human psychology.
It’s a simple technique but the results are powerful. It’s a play on how humans need to appear consistent with everything they do and say.
Why do we care about that?
Because when our words and actions match up, we appear more trustworthy. We appear dependable. We come across as sincere and genuine.
All the things your man wants you to see him as.
And with this signal, you simply pave the way for him to do just that. The phrases for this signal will require a little bit of knowledge of your man and the type of person he is (or strives to be).
Then, with this knowledge, you can get through to him on any subject. And you’re more likely to create a healthy relationship because you know what is important to him.
So how exactly does it work?
Well, with my partner I chose to use this signal when I wanted him to make time for me and the relationship.
I felt like he was prioritizing a lot of other things above us – his friends, his work, even scrolling on his phone seemed more appetizing than hanging out with me!
But I didn’t want to nag him – we all know how that ends.
So, I used Bauer’s phrases (adapted to my situation) and it didn’t take long for my man to agree to make more time for me.
And the best part?
I didn’t have to directly say what I wanted. The phrases and technique did all that for me.
In the end, he thought of it as his own idea that we need to spend more quality time together. And I wasn’t the needy girlfriend every guy dreads.
A happy ending all around!
6) The “Damsel in Distress” Signal
Contrary to the name, no you don’t have to be a damsel in distress to make your man happy.
When I first came across the subheading in the book, I did raise the proverbial eyebrow and think, “Here we go….”.
But I was relieved to find out that this signal doesn’t mean giving up your bad-ass independent self. It’s more about just letting him in from time to time.
And the more independent you are?
The easier it is to free up a little space for him. Not a lot. Just enough to make him feel useful and needed in your life.
Here’s how I did it:
I’m not great at asking for help – I’ll admit it. My motto is usually “If I want it done, I better do it myself”.
So naturally, as my boyfriend and I were getting to know each other, I continued as I had when single.
But there was a problem.
He tried and tried until he gave up asking to lend me a hand or help out when I was busy.
He started to act distant.
For the longest time I couldn’t work out what I’d done wrong, didn’t men want an independent woman who can handle life on her own?
Then I read His Secret Obsession and it all made sense. Luckily I learned this before it was too late.
So now, I “invent” jobs that I need help with to keep my man in the loop. I appeal to this inner desire and need he has to provide, by creating space in my life for him to help me out.
And whilst it’s been amazing for our relationship, it’s also helped me learn to ask for help when I need it.
7) The “Text Message” Formulas
Now, if you’re still at the digital stage of your relationship – maybe you met online, or he’s a friend or colleague who you’ve been texting for a while, Bauer has you covered.
The truth is:
There are subtle changes you need to make when texting. The aim is to be more engaging, capture his attention, and keep it.
The ultimate aim is to move him towards a happy, healthy relationship with you.
All of this over text!
The good news is, you don’t have to spend hours thinking up imaginative texts to write to your beloved. The phrases Bauer suggests are short and simple, but they open up the conversation and require his attention.
I have to say though, if you have a stubborn partner like me, this one will still be a bit of a challenge. My man hates texting and therefore would rather call or speak face to face when he’s home.
But I still use them now and then. And when he’s got time to respond, I see how much of a difference there is in his replies!
So this one will depend on your fella and just how patient he is with his phone, but it’s worth knowing in case you’re ever long-distance for a while.
Or, if you’re the type of couple who stays up until the late hours texting each other sweet nothings, use these phrases to take your conversations to the next level and tap into his inner hero.
And finally, they’re ideal for while you’re still getting to know each other.
8) The “Curiosity Phrases”
This section is filled with template phrases for you to use. It’s broken down into the following sections:
- The “Getting to Know You” Phase. This is when you first meet a guy and you want to genuinely spark his interest in you.
- Strengthening An Existing Relationship. This is if you’re already together, dating, or if you know each other as friends and want to take things to the next level.
Although I came across His Secret Obsession whilst already in my relationship, albeit in the beginning stages, I found phrases from both useful.
Mainly because they’re written in a way that’s easy to adapt to your situation.
Whether you’re just casually dating and want him to commit, or you’ve already committed and want to improve the relationship.
And even the phrases that are for those who are still in the flirting stages, knowing how to spark your man’s interest years into a relationship is always handy.
So, who needs to use these phrases?
As I’ve mentioned above, I’ve used these phrases at the start of my relationship and during it. I still use them.
The phrases will help you enormously if you:
- Like a guy and want to catch his attention
- Are already dating a man and want to take things to the next level
- Are dating/in a relationship with a man who struggles to connect on an emotional level
- Are in a “comfortable” relationship but want to increase love and affection, or excitement
- Have a partner who does the bare minimum and you want more from him
- Have a partner who is unhappy within himself and needs a boost of confidence and love
But the truth is:
These phrases are useful for any woman out there who wants to understand her man.
The whole “men from Mars and women from Venus” theory might be true.
But it doesn’t mean we can’t understand what makes men tick. What grabs their interest. Or, what makes them strive to be the best man they can be in a relationship.
After all, it’s not about simply hoping for the best and waiting to see how your relationship turns out. We’ve all tried that and failed, I’m sure. Because relationships do take work and effort.
And that’s why His Secret Obsession is about understanding how your man works, using the phrases to put things into action, and making your relationship the best it can be!
All by triggering his Hero Instinct.
It might just be the relationship fix you’ve been looking for…
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.
In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.
I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.