Are you dealing with an angry girlfriend?
Having someone yelling at you is definitely not a pleasant experience, not to mention that it can be pretty stressful and cause a lot of anxiety.
If your girlfriend is yelling at you constantly, here’s how to deal with her and keep the peace for you two:
1) When she yells at you, don’t yell back at her
The first thing to keep in mind when your girlfriend yells at you is this: yelling back at her will only make things worse.
“It’s very natural to get upset when angry people confront you, regardless of whether their anger is justified. You feel under attack, and your body floods with “fight or flight” hormones, which can lead you to become angry yourself,” notes Mind Tools.
In other words, yelling back at her won’t get you anywhere and could make you both angrier.
While it’s hard to suppress your initial reaction, it’s important to stay calm, breathe deeply and analyze the situation.
In this regard, Shellie Braeuner writer for OEL suggests this:
“Before you say anything to anyone, calm your emotions. Use relaxation techniques to slow your heartbeat and relax your muscles. Use a special word or phrase that reminds you to relax such as calm down or take it easy.”
2) Talk to her about how yelling makes you feel
The next tip is the most difficult one of all:
You need to talk to her.
This is necessary because unless you tell her, she can’t know for sure how much her yelling at you impacts you.
It’s important to explain to her that you don’t like it, that it causes you anxiety, it makes you feel bad, and that you want to work on it together.
To do so, pick a time when you both feel comfortable and give her a sincere talk about how yelling makes you feel.
While doing so, Braeuner encourages you to “assert your needs by using “I” statements rather than “You” statements.”
For example, instead of saying “you make me upset,” say “I feel upset when you yell.”
Your goal is to communicate your needs clearly and accurately to create a safe space for them to be heard, understood, and acted upon.
3) Try to understand her side of things
If you want to handle your girlfriend’s angry outbursts well, it’s important that you try to understand her side of things.
The key is to learn what triggers these outbursts.
Maybe she’s nervous about something, has been under a lot of stress lately, or is having a bad day and is angry at you for no apparent reason. Or maybe it’s something you did.
Once you know what’s making her angry, you can then decide how to respond appropriately.
- She is emotionally immature
- She has anger issues
- She doesn’t know how to communicate
- She has unrealistic expectations of you
- Her anger has nothing to do with you
So, do your best to understand the situation and your girlfriend and how she behaves.
4) Talk to a relationship coach about what to do
Look, if your girlfriend makes you highly uncomfortable when she yells at you and you have no idea why she yells most of the time, then I’ve got an easier solution for you:
Ask a relationship coach what to do.
While I’m not a fan of skipping steps and getting answers from others without putting in some effort myself, I sometimes do it when things appear too complicated.
Relationship Hero – a team of experts dedicated to helping couples improve their relationships, who help build and maintain love.
Even if you know a thing or two about how the human mind works, when there are feelings involved, it’s hard to take a step back and analyze everything.
In this case, it’s best to contact a coach who can help you deal with your girlfriend’s angry outbursts by helping you dissect what’s making her angry.
So, if you want to make her stop yelling at you, click here to get started.
5) Set clear boundaries with her
If your girlfriend yells at you all the time, it’s important to set clear boundaries and stick to them.
While setting boundaries can be difficult, here are a few tips to help you out, according to psychologist Dr. Lynn Margolies:
- Tell your girlfriend what you are going to do. Do not tell her what she should do.
- Try to be as clear as possible when setting the boundaries and enforcing them.
- Talk to her about your limits. Do not tell her what she needs.
In other words, let her know what you will and won’t tolerate, when you’re going to do it, and how it’s going to be done.
Also, make sure to follow through because otherwise, she won’t take you seriously anymore.
6) Practice empathy and compassion with her
Want to know more?
If your girlfriend is yelling at you, you should practice empathy and compassion.
Even if you feel like the victim of your girlfriend’s anger, remember that she might feel scared, anxious, and out of control.
She might be feeling frustrated, disappointed, stressed, or any other number of things. She might even be feeling shame for yelling at you.
You see, when your girlfriend is yelling at you, she isn’t necessarily thinking rationally. Her thoughts are likely jumbled and confused.
That’s why, “sometimes, hosing down the fire with empathy helps alleviate a lot of painful interactions,” notes Jennifer A. Williams, an emotional intelligence coach.
What does this mean?
Simply put, it means that you need to think about your girlfriend’s perspective and put yourself in her shoes.
In other words, if she yells at you because she’s hurting, anxious, or nervous and feels like you’re the one who hurt her or made her feel that way, it can help to take a step back and realize that she’s probably dealing with some intense emotions.
7) Don’t apologize for something you didn’t do
The next tip is not to apologize for something you didn’t do.
If your girlfriend is yelling at you and you are feeling the need to apologize, make sure you don’t apologize for something you didn’t do.
If you are apologizing for something you did do, that is one thing. But if you are apologizing for something you didn’t do, you are only making your situation worse.
Your girlfriend might be yelling at you because she thinks you did something wrong. She might be yelling because she thinks you are at fault for something.
If you apologize for something you didn’t do, you are essentially devaluing yourself and accepting responsibility for something you did not do.
By doing this, you are not actually apologizing. Instead, you are accepting blame for something you didn’t do.
If your girlfriend is yelling at you because she thinks you did something wrong, the best thing to do is to address the issue without apologizing.
8) Acknowledge her feelings even if you don’t agree with her
The next thing you can do is acknowledge her feelings even if you don’t agree with her.
If your girlfriend is yelling at you or getting angry for some reason, there is a chance that she could be extremely hurt or upset.
While her reasons might not feel like a bad thing to you, it can help to say something like, “I know you’re upset and feel really hurt. I’m sorry you’re feeling so hurt right now.”
This way, you switch her focus from your reaction to the initial problem that made her feel upset in the first place.
Williams confirms it:
“Another vital action is to acknowledge the emotion and help the person feel understood. (This is true for your anger, too). Studies show that when an emotion is recognized and identified, it begins to soften and dissipate.”
So, give your girlfriend’s feelings the time and attention that they deserve.
Or, if you can’t wrap your mind around her feelings and why she’s angry, it’s also okay to ask for professional help.
I mentioned Relationship Hero before, they do a great job at analyzing people and their behavioral traits to give couples a better understanding of what’s exactly going on inside their relationships.
If you want to know more, click here.
9) Don’t take her yelling personally
Another way to deal with your girlfriend if she yells at you is to not let it get to you.
Many people might think that if their girlfriend yells at them, then it’s because of something they did wrong.
But I’d argue that this isn’t necessarily always the case.
While your girlfriend’s anger might stem from something you did that hurt her feelings, it also could stem from something you didn’t do.
It could stem from something that happened in her past. It could stem from something that she’s dealing with in her present.
It could stem from an unknown fear or concern. Or she could just be desperate for attention.
So, try to not take her yelling personally.
Is the situation really that bad? Or is she just having a bad day?
The important thing here is to figure out what’s really going on.
10) Stop being too nice to her
Want to know why your girlfriend keeps yelling at you?
Coach Corey Wayne has the answer:
“A big part of it is because he’s being too nice. He’s letting her get away with it, and there are no consequences. And because there are no consequences on her part, why should she change her behavior? What’s he doing to motivate her to change her behavior?”
In other words, if you keep letting her get away with her behavior, you are only reinforcing it and telling her that she can get away with it.
If you don’t want your girlfriend to yell at you anymore, there needs to be some consequence for her behavior.
She needs to learn that her yelling isn’t OK and will not be tolerated.
11) Walk away from her when she yells
If nothing else works, then the next thing you can do is walk away from your girlfriend when she yells. Take a step back, take a few deep breaths, and try to remember that she will calm down eventually.
Also, if you live with your girlfriend and you feel like she is yelling at you a lot, then you might even want to consider leaving her alone when she gets angry or upset.
This is why it’s so important to learn how to distinguish the difference between someone who genuinely needs help vs. someone who gets angry for attention.
If you know this difference, then you can walk away without feeling guilty or sorry for not helping.
12) Don’t let her control you
Some women often yell at their boyfriends to control them.
They do this to try and get their way and manipulate their boyfriends into doing exactly what they want.
If your girlfriend is like this, then the next tip is probably going to be very useful for you.
This tip is simply to not let her control you.
Don’t let her words get to you, don’t let her actions get to you, and don’t react the way that she wants you to react.
By doing so, “those who are angry at you will have to learn self-control for the first time, instead of “other control,” which has been destructive to them anyway. When they no longer have control over you, they will find a different way to relate. But, as long as they can control you with their anger, they will not change,” notes Boundaries Books.
Simply put, if you want her to stop yelling at you, then don’t let her intimidate you. Don’t let her manipulate you.
13) Try to diffuse the situation
Is your girlfriend yelling and you don’t know what to do?
According to a study done by the American Psychological Association, “previous research has found that self-focused rumination maintains or increases depressed mood, whereas distraction decreases depressed mood.”
What does this mean?
It means that when she’s yelling, you could try to distract her.
By doing so, you can help her shift her focus onto something else, and she might start to relax.
For example, after saying something like, “I understand you’re angry, I didn’t realize that was upsetting you”, you could immediately ask her to tell you something about a totally different topic:
- Is there something special you’d like to have for dinner?
- Our friends called about the weekend getaway.
- Hey, let’s go away for a few days together.
You get the point.
14) Make sure she’s not yelling at you because of a hormonal imbalance
Let me ask you this:
Is your girlfriend constantly yelling at you or just for a week or so every month?
If it’s the latter, then it might be something hormonal.
How do I know this?
A hormonal imbalance can cause women to be more emotional, especially when they’re having their period.
If it’s severe, then it could also cause her to yell a lot, which could cause problems in your relationship.
So, a good thing to try if your girlfriend is yelling at you a lot when she’s on her period is to help her deal with her anger and frustration in a healthier way.
If she’s truly upset, then you can show her compassion by allowing her some time alone to cool off.
You can also suggest that she take some time out for herself every month and go do something relaxing.
15) Accept that she might have an abusive personality
Look, I know this is not what you want to hear about your girlfriend, but if she keeps yelling at you, then this could be an indication that she has a personality disorder and may ultimately be an abusive person.
How can you tell for sure?
“An abusive person is easily insulted and claims that their feelings are “hurt” when really they are very mad. The abusive person will “rant and rave” about the injustice of things that have happened – things that are really just part of living.”
In other words, if your girlfriend keeps yelling at you and you’re not to blame or had very little to do with it, then it could be an indicator that she has an abusive personality.
Dealing with a girlfriend who yells at you is not easy, but there are ways to cope with it.
You can start by having a conversation with her about it, as well as explaining why her actions are negatively affecting you and your relationship.
After that, you should start taking some action and not let her get away with yelling at you anymore.
You can also try to handle things with kindness and compassion, which will help you bond better with each other.
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
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