Is your ex in a new relationship and still relentlessly contacting you?
This can be a confusing situation, I mean, do they still like you? Do they just want to be friends?
And most importantly: How should you react?
To help you out, here are 13 reasons your ex is with someone but still contacts you and what you can do when it happens:
1) They’re Still in Love With You
Okay, let’s get the most burning question out of the way right from the start:
It’s possible that your ex still has feelings for you and is trying to get back with you.
They may be dating someone else but are still contacting you because they can’t get over their feelings for you.
To be honest, this situation usually only applies if you were the one breaking up with them and if the breakup was fairly recent.
If your ex was the one to break up with you or if it’s been a while since the breakup, there’s a good chance that your ex has moved on and is only contacting you because they want to be friends.
But it’s still a very likely scenario!
You see, feelings are strange, sometimes they hit us from one day to the next, but to get over someone can take months, or in some cases even years!
So if you broke up with your ex fairly recently and they’re contacting you, there’s a good chance that they still have feelings for you.
Of course, this is tricky, especially as they are in a new relationship.
It is only fair for them to either stop contacting you or break up with their new partner, nobody deserves to be with someone who has feelings for their ex.
If your ex is contacting you and you suspect that they still have feelings for you, I suggest that you talk to them and explain that it would be best if they either stopped contacting you or broke up with their current partner.
However, don’t give them hopes of getting back together with you unless that is something you are planning on doing!
You wouldn’t want them to break up with their partner for you, only to find out that you don’t want to be with them, after all!
That brings me to my next point:
2) They Want To Get Back Together
Your ex may be contacting you to get back together with you.
When that happens, you should decide if this person is worth getting back with, and if they are, tell them how you feel.
If they’re not, try to not contact them for a while to let those feelings on their part die down a bit.
You should say something like this: “I don’t know what to say, I’m so happy you contacted me, but I’m not sure if we can get back together right now. I need some time to think about it.”
If your ex still wants to be with you after some time has passed and you’ve had a chance to think about it and like the thought, then maybe you two were really meant for each other!
However, never feel obligated to get back with someone just because they still have feelings for you.
And most importantly: throughout this whole process, keep their new partner in mind.
Don’t do anything that could hurt them – that’s just not decent.
If your ex is contacting you to get back together and you are unsure, I suggest that you take some time to think about it.
You should also let your ex know that you need some time to think about it!
It is not your ex’s place to make the decision for you, after all!
And if they keep asking, ask them why they are still with their partner if they are trying so hard to get into a relationship with someone else.
3) They Want Something From You
Another reason why your ex is contacting you although they have a new partner may not be that they still like you, but they want something from you.
It could be something materialistic, or it could be a connection of some sort.
Usually, this reason exposes itself rather quickly, and you probably don’t need this article, as they will just ask outright.
But it’s not always the case, some people will talk to you for a week or two before dropping the bomb because they want you to build up a liking for them again.
So, if you’re not sure, there are a few things to keep in mind.
If your ex contacts you and asks for money or favors, be careful.
I mean, nobody knows them better than you do, so if you trust them, go ahead, but just remember that you are not together anymore and you are not sure what their “true face” is.
They may be lying to you, or they may be telling the truth!
So be careful and don’t trust anyone too fast.
And remember: it is not your ex’s place to decide for you if you should help them or not!
So think about whether or not you can give them what they want, and if you can, then maybe it’s worth helping them.
4) Ask a relationship coach for advice
While this article will shed light on the main reasons your ex is contacting you while being with someone else, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.
With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice tailored to your unique situation…
Relationship Hero is a popular site where highly trained relationship coaches help people work through complex relationship issues, like talking to an ex after a breakup.
Their popularity boils down to how skilled their coaches are.
Why am I so confident that they can help you?
Well, I recently experienced a tough patch in my own breakup, and I reached out to them for help.
From the moment I got in touch, I was given genuine, helpful advice, and was finally able to see my issues with real clarity.
I was blown away by how kind and empathetic my coach was.
Within minutes, you could be receiving life-changing advice on how to navigate and repair the issues you’re facing and figure out what to do next.
5) You’e Their Comfort Zone
They might not want to be single like you, but they don’t know what they want in a partner.
And guess who they have to turn to for help? You.
After having been in a relationship for a long time, it’s normal that your partner becomes your comfort zone.
They are the ones you turn to for help and they are the ones you can tell everything about, from childhood trauma to insecurities.
Now: in a new relationship, that connection is not there yet.
They don’t know the other person nearly as well as they know you, and they might feel like they are missing out on something.
So, if you’re still close with them, it’s easy for them to turn to you for help with their new relationship, but also with random things going on in their life.
But remember: it is not your responsibility to be there for your ex when they are in a new relationship.
I get it, sometimes you still care about them and just want to help, but remember that you don’t owe your ex anything.
So, if you are their comfort zone and they want to talk about something difficult in their lives, you could suggest that they start opening up to their partners about this, instead of you.
It’s a great way to help them out and to show them that they can talk to their partners about anything.
And if you’re not the type of person who can give advice or just don’t feel comfortable with the whole situation (understandably), then maybe it’s better for you to just stay out of the loop.
You see, sometimes, boundaries are important, so if being their emotional crutch is not something you are comfortable with, you should set firm boundaries with your ex and let them know that you can’t be there for them in that way.
Maybe they will get mad at first, but they’ll understand eventually.
Your ex is not your responsibility, so don’t feel bad if you’ve set boundaries with them and they’re upset.
After all, it’s not like you’re doing anything wrong!
6) They want to be friends with you
When your ex contacts you, it’s often because they want to stay in touch and are looking for a friendship with you.
They know that you’re in a better place now and have moved on, so they might not be aware of how their contact is making you feel.
In this case, your best bet is to tell him or her how you feel, as this will be different for everyone.
If they are looking for a friendship, then it’s important that the two of you communicate about this.
You see, when your ex is in a new relationship, there are many factors at play here.
First off, they need to understand that their partner might not be a fan of them being friends with you!
I mean, they are in a relationship now and the last thing their partner might want is for them to get back in touch with their ex.
So, it’s important that you talk about this with your ex, before you decide to go ahead and stay friends with them.
What’s more, if your breakup was relatively recent and you know or suspect that one of you still has some feelings, then you should steer clear of being friends with them.
You see, I 100% believe that being friends with an ex can work, but only after a time of no contact where you both got the chance to move on and heal.
Otherwise, you might be setting yourself up for heartbreak and pain.
So, if your ex wants to stay in touch with you, make sure that they understand your boundaries and that they have a good reason for wanting to stay in touch with you.
If they do, then great!
But if they don’t have a good reason or can’t set boundaries with you, then it’s probably best that the two of you part ways and leave each other alone for now.
7) They’re Bored Or Just got Dumped By Their New Partner
Okay, I know you’re not going to like this one, but it’s unfortunately another reason your ex contacts you.
It doesn’t take much for someone to get bored in a relationship.
There’s only so much Netflix and snuggling that one person can take, and so sometimes people will resort to contacting their old flame for some excitement.
If you’re ex contacted you from boredom, then the best thing to do is not respond at all or shut things down once you realize what they are trying to do.
You see, when you know that they are in a relationship, it’s good to be the better person and not let things go too far.
If your ex is bored, they should just break up with their partner, plain and simple.
Now: another reason they might contact you is that their partner just recently dumped them and now you are their backup.
This is one of the worst reasons for your ex contacting you, and it’s definitely something that you don’t want to experience.
The last thing you need is for your ex to be contacting you because their partner just broke up with them and now they are looking for support.
What happens when things don’t work out between them and their new partner?
Well then, it looks like they’ll be coming back to you!
And this can be a mess, so it’s good to try and avoid getting stuck in this situation.
You don’t want to get used to it just because your ex is feeling a bit sad.
8) They want to brag about their new partner
When your ex contacts you, they might be seeking validation that they’re in a new relationship.
They may want to brag about their new partner, share their happiness with you, or simply check-in to see how you are doing.
This is a sign that they still care and want to keep up with you. But it could also be a way of rubbing their new relationship in your face, depending on what kind of person your ex is.
You see, some people are just plain to mean, and they like making other people feel bad about themselves.
So if your ex is contacting you for a reason like this, then it’s best to shut things down before they get out of hand.
If you find yourself in this situation, the best thing to do is respond with a friendly response but don’t make it all about them.
Share your own successes and happiness so they know you’re happy too.
9) They Wanted To See If You’d Respond
If your ex is contacting you, it’s likely because they’re hoping to hear back from you.
They may want to see if you’ll still respond to them or if you have any interest in the relationship.
You can do one of two things: stop responding or respond with a clear message that you are no longer interested and that any future contact should be avoided.
You see, some people use this technique to feel better about themselves and to gain a sense of superiority.
I know, it’s stupid, but it’s true!
So, if you respond, or at least when you are super nice in your messages, they will get a thrill out of believing that they could still “get you”.
The truth is that this could lead to more contact, and it will be harder to cut off the relationship.
So, if you don’t want your ex contacting you any longer, then you have to make sure that they don’t have any reason to.
You can do this by responding very coldly or not at all.
If they are contacting you because they want validation in their new relationship, then respond with the same amount of validation as you would give to a stranger.
10) They want forgiveness
Your ex may be contacting you out of guilt. They may want to apologize for hurting you and try to make amends.
This one doesn’t necessarily have to mean that they want to get back together with you, maybe they are simply feeling bad about how things ended and want to be on good terms with you.
You can use this to your advantage by letting them know that you are willing to forgive them and move on.
You see, forgiveness is actually not about them at all, it’s completely about you!
When you forgive your ex, you are finally letting go of all those negative feelings you have towards them and that will help you move on.
So, if they want forgiveness, you can say “I forgive you, but I still don’t want you in my life anymore” (for example).
11) They simply miss you
It’s possible that your ex still misses you and doesn’t want to let go.
It’s hard for someone to accept that their relationship has ended, so they might be contacting you every now and then in hopes of renewing the relationship.
The thing is, even if you’re in a new relationship, you might sometimes just miss the presence of your ex.
That’s a pretty natural human thing and could be the reason why your ex is reaching out to you.
Maybe they wanted to hear your voice or wanted your opinion on something in their life.
In that case, it’s up to you to decide what you want to do.
You can talk to them and catch up, or, if you feel like it would be healthier, tell them you don’t really want contact with them.
12) They are in an open relationship
If your ex contacts you out of the blue, the reason could be simple: they are in an open relationship.
Perhaps they thought you might be a good person to hit up and hook up with.
You see, if that’s the case, they hopefully tell you as soon as you ask about their relationship.
It would explain why they contact you while being with someone else!
Now it’s up to you to decide what you want to do.
You see, morally, there is nothing speaking against it, but watch out for your own feelings.
If you aren’t over your ex yet, you shouldn’t do this, as it will just hurt your feelings.
You might think that you are being in control, but in the end, you will only be hurting yourself.
13) They want sympathy from you
Last but not least, an ex might be contacting you simply because they want sympathy.
They want to know that you’re still thinking of them and that you care about them.
It’s a very selfish reason, but it’s a reason nonetheless.
If they contact you out of the blue, it means they didn’t do anything wrong and they simply miss you.
Maybe their current partner isn’t giving them the sympathy or attention they are used to, so they turn to you.
At this point, it’s up to you to decide what you want to do.
You can talk to them and catch up, or if you feel like it, tell them you don’t really want contact with them.
Listen to your gut
Whatever you do, make sure that you listen to your own gut feeling and your intuition here.
You know the situation better than anyone else, so try to take advantage of that and see what feels right!
When in doubt, talk to your friends, family, or a relationship coach about your issues and they can offer you a third-person perspective of the whole situation.
In the end, it boils down to what you want to do!
Can a relationship coach help you too?
If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.
I know this from personal experience…
A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.
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