Even more so when your significant other is breaking up with you and you’re still in love with him. Or at least you think you are.
It can be hard to accept, which is why most of us stay in denial.
It’s a natural reaction to want to fix what has happened and to get him back.
You think you love him. You think you can make it work. You think you can stop the pain.
Here are 12 questions to ask yourself before you go down the path of trying to win your ex back.
Remember: not all relationships are worth saving. Read on to discover whether yours is.
Do I really want him back?
Here are 12 questions you need to ask yourself to help you decide
1) Have you given the relationship space?
If the answer is no, then it’s time to step back and do just that.
We all know how much breakups hurt. It’s enough to cloud anyone’s judgment.
If he’s just broken up with you, you’re likely feeling a huge mix of feelings from surprised and angry, right down to hurt and rejected.
It’s also normal for you to blame him for this pain he’s causing you.
He made this decision to hurt you.
He made you feel like this.
He is the reason behind it all.
So, why do you want to get back with him?
It’s for the simple reason that you think it’ll take your pain away.
But think about it, he broke up with you for a reason. Even if it’s not one you agree with, it’s one you have to accept.
In time, the pain will lessen but you do need to give it time.
Jumping back into a relationship is a band-aid solution.
The issues were already there and it’s likely he’ll do the same thing again in the future and put you through all this pain again.
Treat it like a case of grief and give yourself time to heal. It’ll give you a new outlook on everything and you’ll discover that you’re better off without him.
After you’ve given the relationship some space, you’ll be in a better position to answer whether or not you want to get back with him.
2) Do you share the same values?
A relationship has no future if you both have different values.
This could be one of the reasons he broke up with you in the first place and it’s not something you can fix.
Our values are what make us who we are, and we can’t change them for anyone.
- He wanted kids but you didn’t.
- He wanted a country life but you want the city.
- You wanted marriage and he didn’t.
If these core values don’t align, then you aren’t going to work together and it’s best to walk away now before your feelings get hurt even more.
3) Does he genuinely want you back?
If your ex has been in contact trying to discuss getting back with you, it’s easy to see why you might be tempted.
Is there anything better than a guy coming crawling back and regretting his actions that hurt you?
I don’t think so!
But, that still doesn’t make it the right decision to get back with him.
What’s to stop him from breaking your heart all over again in a few month’s time?
Instead, pay attention to whether his words match his actions. Ie, is he walking the walk and not just talking the talk. This will show that he’s serious and willing to make an effort.
At the end of the day, it comes down to a judgment call for you.
You have to trust your gut on this one and decide whether it’s truly what you want and whether or not you trust him.
Of course, if you’re not interested then now’s your chance to kick him to the curb and show him what it’s like to get hurt!
Trust me, it’ll feel great.
4) Are your issues resolvable?
Let’s be honest here, you broke up for a reason and it’s worth working out what was.
There are big issues and there are small issues and there’s everything in between.
Where do your issues lie?
Is it something you can both work on if you choose to get back together?
A clash of values is never going to change but a clash over how often you go out can. Think about where your clashes have been and whether there’s anything you can do to overcome them.
After a bit of thinking, you may realize it just isn’t worth changing yourself for him. Either way, it could help you move on.
Also, think about how many issues you had together. If it was one after the other then it suggests you had an inherent personality clash, which isn’t likely to be fixed with time.
5) Do you miss him or the idea of him?
It’s important to sit down and work out exactly what it is that you miss about the relationship.
Do you miss the person he was? The way he treated you. The way he looked at you. The way he cared for you.
Or do you simply miss being in a relationship? Some people are relationship people. They thrive when they’re with someone else and struggle to be alone.
This isn’t a reason in itself to get back together with your guy.
In fact, it could actually be healthy for you to get a bit of distance and have some time working out what it is that you want.
While being in a relationship is nice, it’s that time we’re single where we really find ourselves.
6) Are you idolising the relationship?
This is something all of us do — so you’re not alone.
Idolising the relationship isn’t healthy. Yet it’s so common.
So, why do we do it?
It’s that little thing called nostalgia. Your brain only wants to playback all the positive parts of your time together and all those darker moments are thrown into the shadows.
This is our brain’s way of validating the decisions we’ve made in the past — ie why we got together with that person in the first place.
It’s also nature’s way of ensuring we find our way into another relationship. If you only remembered the bad parts, you might steer clear of relationships for good.
You don’t have to fight the nostalgia — it just comes naturally, so let it. But also remind yourself of those not-so-nice moments you had together.
When you see the whole picture, does the relationship still stand on the pedestal you’ve built for it?
It’s probably a good time to let go and move on to greener pastures.
7) Has anything changed?
Sometimes relationships end because of a matter of timing.
Once this timing issue is sorted, there’s nothing else holding the two of you back from pursuing happiness.
But how do you know if that’s the case for you?
Think about the reasons he broke up with you in the first place.
- Was he moving away for university and not interested in a long-distance relationship?
- Did he get a big promotion and was spending too much time in the office and not enough at home?
- Were you going through a party stage and out every night with girlfriends?
And most importantly, has anything changed for either of you since the breakup, which means timing now isn’t an issue?
If it’s a simple matter that one or both of you wasn’t focusing on the relationship or putting it first but is now ready to, it could be worth giving it another go.
You have to make sure your priorities have well and truly changed before taking the leap, just to make sure you avoid any more hurt feelings along the way.
8) Is it what you want?
It’s important to think about this question before diving back into a relationship. Whether it’s with your ex or a new one entirely.
Coming out of a relationship is the perfect chance to take some time and reflect on exactly what it is that you want. What makes you happy.
Once you’ve taken the time to do this, you’ll be able to work out whether or not your ex fits in with this future you see for yourself.
9) Do you both recognize your mistakes?
Before you consider getting back with an ex, you need to know whether or not you can make it work.
This means you both have to be able to recognize these faults and be willing to work on them.
Just because you want to get back together and work on your issues, doesn’t mean he’s willing to do the same. In fact, he might not think he has any issues as all. This is a big red light heading back into a relationship.
10) Did you truly have a great relationship?
Relationships are built on so much more than good sex and good times. So, if this is all you’re remembering from your past relationship, it’s time to move on.
Good relationships are built on honest, respect, understanding, trust, and communication.
Go through each of this one by one and think about your relationship. Was it there?
Give each one a score out of 5 to work out where you stand.
This exercise can be a good eye-opener to how you see the relationship and what it actually was.
11) Do you have children?
While this is never a reason to stay with someone, it is a reason to work that little bit harder to try and make things work.
No matter what you’re both connected for life — whether you like it or not.
Co-parenting as a separated couple is no walk in the park.
Separation can also be really hard on the children.
The truth is, the kids are worth the extra sacrifices that come with a relationship. It may be worth going back through your issues and work out whether the sacrifice to sort them is big or small. Is it manageable knowing it will benefit your children too?
This could change your outlook on the situation.
Of course, it’s not a reason you should stay with your ex. If it’s not working, you can’t force it, no matter how hard you try.
12) What do your friends think?
Our friends are there for a reason. They support us when we’re doing well and cheer us on. And then they’re there to comfort us when things aren’t so good.
Their opinions matter, so it’s time to ask them what they think.
Your friends know you better than anyone else, so it’s important to listen to them.
If they think it’s worth giving it a second shot, it’s because they see something special between the two of you that’s worth pursuing.
On the other hand, if they’re telling you to move on, it’s because they have your best interests at heart and don’t want to see you get hurt.
Do you have to listen to them? Of course not! But their opinions should always matter to you.
How to get back with an ex
Now for the moment of truth. Go through and make sure you have answered every question before deciding where you stand.
Is it worth it getting back together or are you sending yourself down a dead end?
If you’ve made up your mind and want to give it a second chance, then you need to make sure your ex feels the same way. After all, he was the one to break up with you, and there was a reason for it.
Here’s how to go about it:
1) Give him some space
As we mentioned, he broke up with you for a reason, so it’s important to give each other a big of space to sort out your feelings.
If you start calling, texting, and heading over to their place non-stop, then it’s going to be a big turn-off for him. He’s going to realize he made the right decision in the first place and steer clear of you.
Giving things time also gives you a chance to sort out your feelings and work out what you really want.
2) Don’t play games
The time for games is most definitely over and you don’t want to waste more time with a guy who isn’t interested in you.
If you’ve taken so time and given him some space and are still set on getting back with him, then be open and honest with him.
It’s time to have a conversation.
Tell him how you feel and make sure you address all the problems in your relationship that led to the break up in the first place.
- How are you going to work on them together?
- How are you both going to move forward?
- How have you changed?
You then have to leave the ball in his court. It’s up to him whether or not he’s interested in getting back with you again.
Whatever you do, don’t beg.
It’s not attractive and it won’t help in winning him over.
If you’re trying to get an ex back, then you have to accept that he holds the power. Unless he’s reached out to you about giving it another shot — then that’s a different story entirely.
Don’t make him answer straight away. No one likes being put on the spot.
It’s better to give him time to process and think about what he wants.
3) Be patient
It’s hard to wait around for someone else to make a decision about your future.
Of course, you just want to run over and shake him until he gives you an answer.
Hold yourself back.
At the end of the day, whatever his answer is, it’s the right answer for your relationship.
If he agrees to give it a second chance then you have something to work on together to see where it leads.
If he is done with the relationship, then at least you haven’t wasted any more time with each other. In fact, you can thank him for having the guts to end it, rather than hurting you all over again in a matter of months.
It always helps to look on the bright side.
4) Beat old habits
When you get back with someone you were with before, it’s far too easy to sink right back into those old habits.
This is something you need to avoid at all costs.
If you do, you’ll soon find the same problems cropping up in the relationship again, and you’ll end up in the exact same place again.
You need to take a fresh start and use it.
Try and be present and mindful of those old issues and give it your best shot.
There’s no point getting back together if you’re not willing to put 100% effort into it.
Best of luck!
It’s not easy deciding to get back with an ex, let alone giving it a go.
Just make sure you stay honest with yourself and what you want out of a relationship and don’t make big sacrifices just to make it work.What you want matters too.
The real reason why men pull away
Want to learn the real reason why men pull away from emotionally committing in a relationship?
It’s not what most people think.
We reveal all in our free eBook Attraction Triggers.
This eBook has everything you need to know about the predictable patterns that make a man fall in love.
Most importantly, it will teach you practical techniques to activate those triggers in your man so you can build a successful long-lasting relationship.