“I am having an affair with a married man and I’ve taken it too far! It happened organically and almost casually in the end. He was charming and mature. He knew exactly what he wanted and treated me in a way that dwarfed what my ex used to do for me. We’ve been together for 7 months now and I’ve honestly fallen head over heels. Sometimes I’m content with how things are, but other times I want more. I want him all to myself. And I can’t help but think this relationship that’s consuming my life is also ruining it. The relationship can’t go any further. It’s impossible for him to leave his family. So, what should I do? If I leave him, I’ll be emotionally destroyed. If I stay, then I’ll never be happy. Any advice is much appreciated.” – Kristy (named changed for privacy)
We get countless emails like this at Love Connection.
And it’s not difficult to see why.
Married men are attractive. They’re mature and they know what they want. They also have life experience and tend to have stable jobs.
There is a reason they’re married in the first place!
But it’s important to take a step back before you get involved in an affair with a married man.
As the email above shows, getting involved with a married man can get complicated.
After all, no matter what you tell yourself, you can’t control your feelings for someone over time.
And a married man already has a wife and a family, so once you start wanting more out of the relationship, you’re bound to be disappointed.
So, should you complicate your life by becoming involved with a married man?
That is what I’m going to answer for you in this article.
Before you take this relationship too far, I want you to know everything – the good, the bad, and the ugly about dating a married man.
After all, I don’t want you emailing us in 6 months’ time just like one of our readers did above.
Alright, let’s get to it. Here are 20 complications of having an affair with a married man. After that, we’ll talk about what you can do about it.
1. You’ll never be the first priority
A married man has a wife and a family. While he might tell you that he doesn’t love his wife anymore, he still has kids.
Those kids are his main priority, especially if they’re young.
He has commitments to his family that are always going to be above you.
When it’s school holidays, he’ll completely disappear for a couple of weeks to go on vacation with his family.
He won’t always be available when you need him.
Most people love relationships because of the support and security their partner offers them.
While I’m sure this married man can provide some support, it’s never going to be the same as a normal relationship.
He’s the one who is in control of when you spend time together.
You might say you’re fine with that, but it means you won’t have much authority over how you want to live your life.
That’s tough to hear, no doubt.
So it’s crucially important to ask yourself:
Do you really want to be just an afterthought for this married man?
2. He will never meet your family and friends
It’s always a special moment when the guy you’re dating finally meets your close friends or family.
After all, this is the guy you’ve been talking about for ages, and it’s now it’s time for the special people in your life to get to know him.
But it simply can’t happen with a married man. How will you introduce him? What happens when your parents ask him questions about his life?
Even if you somehow convince your family to meet a guy you’ve been having an affair with, do you think he will be comfortable about it?
The more people know about your affair the higher chance of getting caught.
The brutal truth is this:
Your affair is bound to only exist between your apartment and hotel rooms.
3. You will never be introduced as his girlfriend
And the same goes for you. He’s not going to let anyone know about you, not even his friends.
You’ll never meet anyone that is close to him.
Perhaps you think you don’t care about this.
But for a lot of people, getting to know their new partner’s family and friends is important.
It’s a cherished way to learn more about the guy you’re dating.
That is what a relationship is about. Growing together. Adopting each other’s families. And intertwining your lives more and more as time goes on.
But nope. To nearly everyone in the world, you’re just a single lady looking for love.
No restaurant dates. No fancy dinners. No movies.
Keeping you a secret is more important to him than your feelings.
You’ll always be sneaking around and being hidden like you’re a dirty secret.
4. Will you ever be able to truly trust him?
If he is already in a marriage, then you need to realize that there is a lot of lying going on, which means that he is clearly capable of deceit.
Does he lie to you?
When he tells you that he isn’t having sex with his wife, can you believe him?
When you first met, did he tell you that he was married?
If he didn’t, then he has already lied twice: to you and his wife.
I mean, the fact that he’s already lying to his wife is a giant red flag.
If he has already lied to you, then this guy isn’t trustworthy.
Unfortunately, there is no way around that. As long as you’re in an affair with a married man, you’ll never be able to fully trust him.
And look, right now you might think that you just want to have fun.
But if you ever want to develop a serious relationship with this guy, it, unfortunately, might not be possible.
Because trust is a cornerstone of a successful relationship.
And without trust, a relationship simply can’t grow.
Your relationship is handicapped before it’s even started.
5. Are you his first affair?
A married man might tell you that this is his first affair.
But considering he’s already lying to his wife, can you really trust what he says?
If he has shown no intent to leave his wife, then he may have had other affairs in the past.
It could be a sport for this guy.
He could even be dating another woman right now, although that would involve some high-level organizational skills on his part. It’s hard enough to squeeze two relationships in a week.
No matter how much you love this guy, or how incredible he makes you feel, you’ll never know if you’re just another affair of many.
6. He’s probably not going to leave his wife
Very few married men leave their wives for the girl they’re having an affair with.
And the brutal truth is this:
You’re not likely to be an exception to the rule.
Divorce is a big deal. It’s a mess.
And if he has kids then their emotional wellbeing is the main priority.
You can’t trust what he says. You can only trust what he does.
And the fact of the matter is this:
He hasn’t left his wife yet, and that pattern will likely continue in the future.
7. Are you just being used for sex?
One of the main reasons men cheat is because of sex.
If you’re a woman, then this might be hard to understand.
After all, women need an emotional connection before jumping in bed with someone.
Men are different. They can get sexually excited with someone they don’t share an emotional connection with.
So if you think there is a strong emotional connection with this guy because you’re sleeping with him, it might not be the case for him.
This is going to be tough to hear, but he might just be using you for sexual pleasure.
He doesn’t really see a future with you.
And he doesn’t truly care for you except when you’re in bed together getting it on.
And it might be no big deal for him if you decide to leave.
There are plenty of other girls in this world that can fill the void of having sex with him.
8. Why is this married man having problems in his marriage in the first place?
Look, it’s plausible that the problems in their marriage are the wife’s fault.
She might be difficult to live with, and as time has gone on, they’ve grown further and further apart.
But it’s important to realize that he could also be the main cause of the problems in the marriage.
He’s the one having an affair.
If you take a good look at your relationship with him, you might see a pattern in the way he is behaving and the problems he talks about with his wife.
Who is to say that those issues wouldn’t happen to you, too?
He might not be the perfect guy that you’ve built him up to be in your mind.
9. You might be blamed for destroying a family
If the wife gets wind of what’s going on between you and your husband, then that might be the end of their marriage.
The wife and kids will most likely blame you for destroying their marriage.
This will hurt tremendously, almost like an attack on your character and worth as a human being.
No matter who you are, this is bound to get to you.
Whether it’s true or not, you will be seen as an accomplice in breaking up a home.
People will question your morality, your intentions.
It will be a tough situation to deal with.
In the end, you’ll be the reason for him betraying his wife and disappointing his children.
10. You will need to be ready to face an ugly world
If people get to know about the affair, then they may not look at you too fondly.
In fact, we remember one email we received where the woman wasn’t even allowed to meet the guy’s friends or family.
Because they were still close with the wife, even after the marriage had ended.
A situation like this can hurt like hell.
We’ve also heard of women receiving hate letters from their lover’s children.
Most people probably don’t know the full story, but unfortunately, that doesn’t mean that they won’t make negative judgments.
It can be an ugly world out there once the relationship is out in the open.
And as the “other woman” you’re unfortunately going to receive the brunt of it.
11. He’s not really yours.
He might tell you that you’re all he thinks about, but at the end of the day, he goes home to his wife.
No matter how hard you might try to live a normal life with him, he’ll never really be yours.
Let that sink in for a minute. His heart and devotion are really with his family and his wife, no matter what he tells you.
You’re always sharing him with his wife. From an intimacy perspective, your love-making might be off the charts but you better believe he’s still sleeping with his wife. One of you is not getting all of him.
Whether things work out and you end up together or not, you’ll always be the woman who isn’t his wife. And that’s hard.
12. The guilt can become too much.
At the end of the day, our emotions weigh the most so if you’re feeling guilty or unworthy of the love you’re trying to create, it’s going to be difficult to sustain this relationship.
Even if he leaves his wife and stays with you, everyone will blame you as “the other woman” for why his marriage broke up. Society is not very kind to women in this regard. It can really weigh in your mind.
And of course, you can’t control the guilt your married boyfriend has and that is certainly going to get in the way from time to time as well.
People are cruel and will judge you both.
You can be very happy together and he can leave his wife and you’ll still get scowls from wives who have been cheated on before.
13. There may be no future.
If he never leaves his wife, how long will you let this go on before deciding it’s not what’s right for you?
Ethics aside, do you really want to live a life with a man you can’t really have?
Finally, the hard part about being in a relationship with a married man is dealing with the elephant in the room: is the old adage of once a cheater always a cheater really a concern for you?
Just because he says he loves you and wants to be with you does that mean he means it? He told his wife that…a lot longer than he told you that. So what do you do?
As we said above, trust is really important to build a long-term relationship. So how can you have a future when you can’t really trust him?
14. You’ll be waiting around for a long time
Whether he decides to leave his wife for you or not is not the point; the point is whether or not you want to wait around to find out.
There are seven billion people on the planet. Is this guy really worth waiting for? What about his ethics and morals? He’s cheating on his wife? What’s to stop him from doing the same thing to you?
You probably can’t even have these conversations with him because he just keeps saying “it’s complicated” or “I can’t leave my wife.”
Women hang around far longer than they should when it comes to dating married men.
As the other woman, you can bet you’ll be the one walking away with a broken heart if he changes his mind.
So before you go any further with your relationship, get really clear on what you’re getting out of this.
Nobody said it had to be love, but it should be something you consider so you don’t get hurt.
There are plenty of men out there and not all of them are married.
15. You’re missing out on meeting a guy that is single
There are no two ways about it: he’s probably not leaving his wife for you and that makes you the other woman.
While most women would tell you that they’d never allow themselves to become the other woman, a surprising number of women do it thinking he’ll change his mind about his wife.
At the end of the day, he’s going home to her and you’re left with a cold bed to sleep in.
Sharing your man with another woman, especially his wife, sucks.
If he’s got kids, more than one person is going to get hurt by your relationship.
Because you’re giving all of your time to a married man you’re blocking other single guys who might be perfect for you.
When you’ve got your eye on one prize, it’s hard to see the other options out there.
16. He won’t support you when you need it
The great thing about being in a committed relationship is that when you’re going through a tough time, you can rely on your partner for support.
But this married man probably doesn’t have the capability to support you wholeheartedly when he has kids and a wife to look after.
He can’t always be there for you. He probably only sees you sporadically as it is.
If you demand that he pays more attention to you and offers you emotional support when you need it, you might find that he’ll start pushing you away.
Because this man might be using you to escape from the same situation with his wife!
It’s common for a married man to start affairs when their own marriage starts getting complicated.
As soon as your affair with him becomes complicated, he’ll leave as quickly as he can.
17. What happens when the excitement is gone?
Sure, it’s probably exciting initially for this guy (and you). Sneaking around from hotel room to hotel room. It’s passionate, it’s steamy, it’s sexy.
But just like any relationship, the beginning passionate phase eventually fades.
What happens then?
Do you think a married man is going to be content with being stuck in an affair that’s really turned into a stable relationship?
Nope. The most likely scenario is that he will end the affair and move onto another one.
And what did you gain from this?
A broken heart and that’s it.
18. There will be two sets of rules. One for you and one for him
Look, I’m sure he is sharing a lot about his life and his problems with his wife.
And sure, I’m sure you might have felt connected to him because he was doing that.
But what happens when you try to share your problems?
I’ve seen it time and time again. The married man doesn’t really listen. He doesn’t truly care.
After all, he already has his own marriage to worry about.
For a successful relationship to work, both people need to be equally invested in it.
But it’s clear that he will be less invested than you, and has less reason to listen to your opinions and expectations.
Unfortunately, you’re just the other woman that isn’t a top priority in his life.
19. You’re short-term
As long as you’re considered an “affair” then I’m sorry to say but it probably won’t last long.
And the real kicker?
The longer the affair goes on, the less likely he will bite the bullet and divorce his wife to be with you.
The truth is this:
Affairs are difficult to maintain. They can be a logistical nightmare and there’s a limit to what you can do together and where you can go.
As we mentioned above, once the initial stages of excitement are over, then he is most likely going to move on.
20. Even if he did leave his wife for you … what next?
Many women in this situation don’t think through the end game.
They imagine romantic sunsets on the beach and sharing those special moments with him as he finalizes his divorce papers and fully commits to you …
OK – and even if that happens, then what?
A lot of the process of getting out of my relationship with a married man is looking yourself in the eye and just being 100% honest.
One: Admit that you are loving the secret side of it, the thrill that of being bad.
Two: when you think about a post-divorce life with him – even if he had been serious about it, you need to admit that you’ll most likely be underwhelmed.
When the mistress thinks about the regular boring type of life with the married man, it becomes deflating. It’s no longer fun or sexy. It’s boring.
Think about how you’d feel if your guy called it quits with his wife and really committed to you. Be honest.
What should you do now?
Now if you’re currently in an affair with a married man, what should you do?
I’m sure you’re Googling being in love with a married man because you want to find some solutions.
Here are some things you can do to help you get out of the situation.
1. Find someone better
Look, this is probably not what you wanted to hear, and I’m sure you’ve heard it many times from your friends.
But it is good advice. After all, the most likely scenario is that he won’t leave his wife for the woman he is having an affair with.
It just doesn’t happen that often, and if it was going to happen, I can guarantee you wouldn’t be Googling about being in love with a married man.
It can be difficult to see the other fish in the sea when you’ve fallen head over heels for one guy, but it’s important to realize that there are plenty of guys for you to meet that aren’t married.
Trust me when I say that when you’re over this guy, it will be as clear as daylight how many awesome guys there are for you swimming in the sea.
You just need to get out there and meet them.
2. Put things on hold
Has this married man told you that he’s going to leave his wife for you?
If he has, then great.
But don’t keep seeing him and sleeping with him until he actually does.
Remember: Trust what he does, not what he says.
Tell him that you don’t think you should keep seeing each other romantically until he has ended things with his wife.
It is going to become very clear whether he actually has any intention of leaving or not.
If he doesn’t take any action at all, then you have your answer.
3. If after all these points, you still want to date this married man and live happily ever after, you need to read this
If you still think it’s the right thing to get this guy to commit to you after reading the brutal truths above and you can categorically say that this will benefit everyone involved (his family, his wife, his kids) then you need a gameplan for how it’s going to happen.
And to do that, you need to trigger something deep inside him to make him feel like he wants to protect you.
The simple truth is that men like to feel important and needed.
It’s a hard balance to strike. Being independent enough for him to respect and desire you, but also letting him step up to the plate for you and feel like a proper man.
Because men have a built-in desire to be your hero (this has nothing to do with being Bruce Willis).
Let me explain.
In the last few years, scientists and relationship psychologists have been talking up a new theory called the hero instinct.
What it basically means is that men have a deeply rooted desire to step up to the plate for the woman in his life and protect her. He wants to provide her something no other man can and earn her love and respect in return.
In other words, he wants to be her hero. This is hardwired into his DNA.
I know it seems kind of silly. In this day and age women can take care of themselves. They don’t need a hero in their lives.
But this misses the point about what the hero instinct is all about. While you may not need a hero, men have a biological urge to feel like one.
The best part is that women can trigger this instinct in him. There are phrases you can say, texts you can send, and little requests you can make to make him feel like the hero in your life.
And when his hero instinct is triggered, a man is much more likely to commit to being in a deep, passionate and long lasting relationship.
James Bauer, the relationship psychologist who first discovered the hero instinct, provides an excellent introduction to this transformative concept. Watch his free video here.
I don’t often buy into popular new concepts in psychology or recommend videos. However, I think learning about the hero instinct is a game changer when it comes to love.
The real reason why men pull away
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