15 ways to learn to love someone you’re not attracted to (complete guide)

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Do you ever find yourself in a relationship with someone that you don’t find attractive? 

If you have had this experience before, you probably know how hard it is to love and accept someone who doesn’t look the way we want them to. Attraction is natural and there are no judgments here. 

You might feel like it’s impossible to love and accept someone who doesn’t turn your head—but it isn’t! There are ways to get over these initial feelings. Keep reading for 15 tips on how to love someone you’re not attracted to.

1) Try practicing gratitude

Attraction is crucial to forming a relationship, but it isn’t everything.

Your partner isn’t just another person to you. They are someone who loves you and cares about you. 

Over time, gratitude can help you to realize how lucky you are to have someone in your life that is willing to accept and love you for who you are instead of how they want you to be. 

This might take some time, but if your partner is worth it, they will wait for the day that attraction turns into love. 

So how to practice gratitude?

Try finding something about your partner every day that you are thankful for. Maybe it’s the fact that they let you sleep in every Saturday or take care of you when you’re sick. 

Or even something as simple as how they laugh when you say something stupid. 

Gratitude can be such a powerful tool, so use it to help you to open up and be kinder to your partner. 

2) Focus on what you love about them

Everyone has their own preferences about what’s attractive.

Maybe you’re attracted to tall guys or brunettes. Whatever it may be, your partner isn’t perfect, but there are probably some things that they do better than anyone else. 

Maybe they have a contagious laugh and you love everything about them when they laugh. Or maybe they make the best cup of coffee and you find yourself scheduling meetings so you can enjoy one of their delicious cups. 

Focus on what you love about them instead of comparing them to someone else. We all have flaws, but sometimes we don’t realize our partners are special because we compare them to what we find attractive in other people. 

Instead of making comparisons, try thinking of your partner as the best version of themselves. See beyond physical attraction and appreciate who they are on the inside as well Want to know the best part?

Once you start to focus on what you love about them, you will find yourself attracted to them for those reasons. And it leads to a happier relationship!

3) Forget about sex; focus on communication and physical closeness

Here’s the truth:

Attraction comes from a complex and often subconscious combination of physical, emotional, verbal, spiritual, cultural, and visual cues.

What do you think would be some of the things that you would need to consider in your relationship if it was lacking in physical intimacy?

Although sex is certainly a part of this recipe for happiness, it’s not the only thing that matters. 

If you want to improve the way that you feel about your partner and how attracted to them you are, try slowing down relationships. Instead of trying to get hot and heavy as soon as possible, focus on being intimate with each other in other ways! 

Being able to connect with one another on a personal level is more important than having sex. And on top of that, connecting with your partner helps you feel more attracted to them than any sexual encounter could ever do! 

Also, realize that attraction is cyclical; it ebbs and flows throughout the course of your relationship. You may find yourself feeling less attracted to your partner one day, but don’t worry! 

It will pass if you stop comparing them to other people and focus on why they are special to you. As time goes by – eventually – attraction will come back around again!

4) Want advice specific to your situation?

While this article will shed light on the main ways to learn to love someone you’re not attracted to, it can be helpful to speak to a relationship coach about your situation.

With a professional relationship coach, you can get advice tailored to your unique situation…

Relationship Hero is a popular site where highly trained relationship coaches help people work through complex relationship issues, like how to learn to love someone you’re not attracted to. Their popularity boils down to how skilled their coaches are. 

Why am I so confident that they can help you?

Well, after recently experiencing a tough patch in my own relationship, I reached out to them for help. From the moment I got in touch, I was given genuine, helpful advice, and was finally able to see my relationship issues with real clarity.

I was blown away by how kind and empathetic my coach was. 

Within minutes, you could be receiving life-changing advice on how to navigate and repair the issues you’re facing in your relationship.

Click here to get started.

5) Think of the benefits of being in this relationship

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not encouraging you to feel bad about your relationship.

I’m simply suggesting that you look for the positives in your relationship, instead of focusing on the negatives.

For example, if you find yourself thinking that your partner isn’t physically attractive, focus on their personality and how much they mean to you.

Or if you’re thinking about how your partner doesn’t spend enough time with you, spend more of the time that you do have with them on activities that don’t involve a TV or computer screen. 

Once we stop focusing on the negatives and remind ourselves about what we love about our partners, an attraction begins to resurface!

I know this sounds like common sense, but you’d be amazed at how many people lack this perspective and don’t even notice that they have it.

6) Find ways of connecting on a deeper level

Another way to love someone you’re not attracted to is to find ways of connecting on a deeper level.

These include talking about your future together, dreaming up new hobbies that you can share with your partner, or sharing your worries about the future.

Try focusing more on what your partner has to say. Try asking them questions about their life and listen closely when they answer. Notice if your attraction is starting to pick up!

And what’s the best time for this type of interaction? 

If you’re wondering when to connect in this way, try doing it when you’re feeling a little bit more into your partner. 

For example, try talking while cuddling or while taking a leisurely walk together. Better yet, talk before going on a date night! Doing this strengthening-of-the-relationship stuff beforehand will cement those feelings of lust right before the two of you get busy!

7) Build a friendship from the ground up

Every relationship is different, but most of them start with a friendship.

If you’ve found yourself not very attracted to your partner, can you build a friendship from the ground up?

Start by getting to know your partner on a more personal level. Focus on the things that matter to him – his/her interests, and everything that he/she loves.

When you start seeing what you have in common, it will be easier for you to connect on a deeper level! Keep focusing on these qualities and eventually, the bond will become stronger and stronger.

Here are some tips to help you get started:

  • Involve your partner in your hobbies and interests, for example, by encouraging him/her to do things you enjoy (such as hiking)
  • Be genuine – don’t try to fake a connection with your partner
  • Offer positive feedback based on what you see from the inside out. For example, “it’s great that you’re so motivated to get fit” or “I admire how much passion you have for painting”

And the best time to get started with this?  

Do it when you’re feeling a little bit more into your partner. Because, once you do this, you’ll have a stronger bond that will help to make you feel more attracted to your partner.

8) Confide in your friends and family members

Trust me, everyone needs to talk about the issues in their relationship!

I know that this can be difficult to do, especially if you feel like it will make the situation worse. But you have to do it because it’s only through talking that you’ll work out your problems and figure out how to move forward.

Start by telling one close friend or family member. Basically, you tell your friend everything that’s bothering you in your relationship. Don’t hold back on a single detail! 

Let them know why you don’t feel any chemistry in your relationship and why you’re not attracted to your partner. Ask them for advice and support.

You’ll be surprised at how much easier your life will seem after you talk with someone. You’ll just be able to understand the situation more clearly and what your next steps should be.

You can even ask them for a few tips on how to make things work with your partner!

It’s also important that you trust this person so that they can give you the truth in an open way. If they don’t feel comfortable talking about it, then it might not be right for you to start confiding in them.

9) Look at the bigger picture

So, here’s the deal: 

The more you look at your situation from a larger perspective, the more you’ll automatically feel better about it.

Because, as you’re looking at the bigger picture, you’ll realize that you have a lot to be grateful for. So rather than focus on how little your partner does for you or how little you feel attracted to them, focus on how much of a good job they are doing!

Once you start thinking this way and realizing that their actions aren’t as bad as they feel, you’ll experience more gratitude within yourself and draw the energy from that to give more love back to your partner.

As you can see from this way of looking at things, it’s not so hard after all! When looking at the big picture of what’s really going on inside your mind, everything will make so much more sense.

For example: 

You might start to feel a lot more grateful towards your partner when you realize that they do a lot for you.

After thinking this way, you’ll see how good of a person they are. You’ll also realize that it’s not about the sacrifices that your partner makes for you. It’s about the sacrifices you make for them!

To be more specific, think about the things you love about your partner but sometimes don’t get attention for. Think about what it must be like to have to put up with those things!

Think of all the little things they do every day (not big huge gestures) which don’t really get noticed but are extremely important and make life so much easier and better.

10) Help them feel more confident and proud of who they are

Maybe they also feel that you’re not attracted to them. Maybe they don’t feel confident showing their true emotions and want to hide them away.

Whatever the reason is, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be seen for who you are.

Even if it’s not what your partner wants, it’s important that they feel secure within themselves. Otherwise, it will be hard for them to step out of their shell and grow as an individual.

Take this time to show your partner that you care about them a lot. Show them how much you respect who they are and how confident you feel that they can do the greatest things in this life!

The secret? 

Show them that you care by having more in common with them, and starting to learn about their hobbies, interests, and pastimes. From there, show them how much you have in common with your partner!

Be there for them and be happy for their accomplishments. Show them that you’re proud of who they are and where they’re going in life.

This will not only help them feel more confident but also these things will let you know how amazing they are as a person. And eventually, you can feel the spark of attraction develop!

11) Walk in their shoes and see the world from their biased perspective

I bet you never really thought of your partner’s point of view before. 

Why not? It’s not hard to do!

Consider the things you’ve said and done to your partner in the past and see if you can see them from their perspective now.

You will realize that, while they may have had things they wished that you reacted differently to, this is just normal behavior for some people. More often than not, it’s a product of the way everybody acts and thinks!

It becomes easy when you think this way because it makes room for everyone and everyone has a right to be who they are. The worst thing that could happen is that you choose to confide in them and open up to them so much more than usual.

You might find out that they’re also mad at themselves for how angry and frustrated they get when someone makes too much fun of their interests or tries their patience by being too abrasive around them. You’ll start seeing things from their perspective so much more clearly!

Keep in mind:

The attraction never begins with a full-blown relationship. It happens by learning more about your partner and getting to know them!

Always make sure that you keep things fun and light so that you can hold onto your feelings for each other!

It’s important for you to consider how best to show your partner that you love them. Never forget: Love, kindness, and respect are the three main elements of a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

12) Talk about shared interests with no expectation of sexual attraction 

Don’t force yourself or your partner to talk about things you’re not interested in. 

This can lead to tension and boredom, which is the last thing you want when it comes to love. If you want each other, then never make the mistake of making your partner feel uncomfortable for having no interest in what is going on around them. 

In this case, you can try picking up a common interest piece on common media (books, movies) or even just a shared hobby that goes along well with one or both of your interests.

The best part about talking about a common hobby or interest is that it helps you figure out what they actually like! 

They already know this so they will be more willing to open up because they have already decided that the topic is something they are interested in! Then it will be easier for them to talk openly and honestly when experiencing the attraction.

And the key here is just to let the flow of the conversation lead you to be comfortable with each other, maybe even interested in one another, or maybe lead a little deeper into a seemingly incompatible subject to see how your partner reacts. 

That is a great gauge of how they feel about that subject which can very easily be used as a trigger to see if their interest has been piqued.

13) Give it time

I know loving someone you’re not attracted to is a lot to ask of you but don’t rush it. 

Take the time to get to know them and see if there is a connection. 

Don’t force or try to use these steps as some magic recipe that will help you fall in love within 10 minutes or so and then lead you into marriage! 

This isn’t some cheesy romance story where everything somehow works out despite all of your objections, but because of your objections. 

So don’t expect everything to work out immediately, this is a bit more realistic because we all very much have our own individual personalities, values, likes, and dislikes!

This is just the beginning. 

If you’re not sure about the feelings for someone who you didn’t initially think that you’d be interested in for whatever reason, then don’t rush into it allow an open mind, and just give it time!

14) Don’t pressure yourself to feel something that isn’t there

As I’ve mentioned above, just let things happen naturally.

I know we all want to be loved and we all want to reciprocate that love, but the truth is we can’t do anything about it if we have no feelings for them. 

If you don’t have a strong feeling of attraction or even care in any way then you’re just setting yourself up for a failure that could take years to overcome.

I know everyone has their own triggers based on their personality and values, but don’t force yourself into something that isn’t there! 

Don’t force feelings or try to manipulate your emotions at this point because it will only create confusion and afterward lead to resentment with the person who isn’t interested in you anyway.

So instead of pushing yourself into this situation just set things aside for later and let your experience be for learning what kind of person your partner is instead of falling head over heels at first glance and becoming disappointed later on because you fell in love too fast, most likely with someone who doesn’t care about you at all!

15) Realize that looks aren’t everything

The last thing I want to say is that it’s important for you to realize that there are people who love their partners for who they are, not for their appearance. 

Most people fall in love with their appearance, they only want the best, most beautiful people they can find, and once they satisfy that criteria they’re happy.

I know that sounds incredibly superficial and shallow but it is true. 

People don’t care about who you are for your personality, your intelligence, or your values. 

They just seem to care about superficial things like how good-looking you are, what kind of body you have, what your hair looks like, and so on.

So try to find out who your partner is and let them know that you like that person not because of their looks but because of who they are as a whole. 

Final thoughts

Loving someone you’re not attracted to is hard because you have to get over your initial gut reaction as to whether or not you’re attracted to them, but it’s also incredibly rewarding.

While attraction is a big part of love, being with someone who cares about you for who you are and not for how good you look on the outside is far more important.

You have to realize that there are people out there in the world that don’t care so much about superficial things and love based on personality.

Hopefully, with these 15 ways to love someone you’re not attracted to, you can have a happy and healthy relationship that’s based on who the person is, and not just because they’re attractive.

Have you ever loved someone you aren’t attracted to? How did you go about it? Let me know in the comments below, I’d love to hear from you!

Can a relationship coach help you too?

If you want specific advice on your situation, it can be very helpful to speak to a relationship coach.

I know this from personal experience…

A few months ago, I reached out to Relationship Hero when I was going through a tough patch in my relationship. After being lost in my thoughts for so long, they gave me a unique insight into the dynamics of my relationship and how to get it back on track.

If you haven’t heard of Relationship Hero before, it’s a site where highly trained relationship coaches help people through complicated and difficult love situations.

In just a few minutes you can connect with a certified relationship coach and get tailor-made advice for your situation.

I was blown away by how kind, empathetic, and genuinely helpful my coach was.

Click here to get started.