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Navigating the complex waters of relationships can be a daunting task, especially when you suspect you’re dealing with a covert narcissist.
Covert narcissism is a subtle, often overlooked form of narcissism that can be incredibly damaging if left unchecked. It’s like navigating through a minefield, where one misstep can lead to emotional turmoil.
Hi there, Tina Fey here – your navigator through the treacherous sea of relationships. As the founder of the Love Connection blog and a relationship expert, I’ve seen my fair share of these situations.
In this article, we will delve into the 8 key signs that you’re in a relationship with a covert narcissist, backed by psychological research. By identifying these signs, you’ll be better equipped to protect yourself and navigate your relationship more effectively.
Remember, knowledge is power. So, let’s empower ourselves today!
1) They make you doubt your own memory
One of the most unsettling aspects of being in a relationship with a covert narcissist is the way they can manipulate your own sense of reality.
This is referred to as gaslighting, a term that originates from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband manipulates his wife into believing she’s losing her mind.
In the context of a relationship with a covert narcissist, gaslighting often takes the form of them denying or distorting events that you both experienced. It’s as if they’re trying to rewrite history.
Imagine for a moment, you’re absolutely certain about an event or conversation that occurred. But when you bring it up, they insist it never happened, or happened in a completely different way.
This constant questioning of your reality can leave you in a state of confusion and self-doubt. You might start wondering if you are the one with the problem.
Psychologists say this is one of the most common tactics used by covert narcissists. They use it to gain control and keep their partners off-balance. It’s manipulative, harmful and unfortunately, very effective.
Remember, trust in your own memory and perceptions. And if someone constantly makes you question them, it might be time to reevaluate that relationship.
2) They’re always the victim
Have you ever noticed that your partner always seems to be the victim, no matter what the situation is? This could be a sign of covert narcissism.
Covert narcissists are masters at playing the victim. They have an uncanny ability to twist any situation so that they are the ones being wronged, even when they are clearly the ones at fault.
I remember a couple I was counselling, where the husband would constantly play the victim card. Whenever his wife brought up a valid concern, he would deflect by saying how he felt attacked and misunderstood. It was a clear case of covert narcissism.
As Eleanor Roosevelt once famously said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Don’t let your partner’s constant victim mentality manipulate you into feeling guilty or responsible for their actions.
This is not about blaming or finger-pointing, but about recognizing unhealthy patterns in your relationship. By doing so, you can start to empower yourself and make informed decisions about your relationship.
3) They lack empathy
A major red flag of being in a relationship with a covert narcissist is a stark lack of empathy. They often struggle to understand or share the feelings of others, which can lead to a lot of emotional pain and misunderstanding.
Empathy is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. It’s what allows us to connect with our partners on a deep emotional level. Without it, you might often feel unheard, unloved, or neglected.
In my years as a relationship expert, I’ve witnessed how this lack of empathy can create a deep rift between couples. And this is something I delve into in my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship.
In the book, I discuss various ways to identify and deal with partners who lack empathy, among other things. It’s a great resource for anyone struggling with codependency or in relationships with narcissistic individuals.
Remember, everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they feel seen, heard and understood. Don’t settle for less.
4) They’re charming, but only initially
Here’s something that might surprise you: covert narcissists can be incredibly charming. In fact, their charisma is often what draws you in initially.
It’s counterintuitive, isn’t it? We often associate narcissists with being self-absorbed and uncaring, but the truth is, they can be quite captivating at first.
They may shower you with compliments, attention, and affection. They’ll make you feel special, like you’re the only person in the world. This phase, often referred to as the “love bombing” stage, is intoxicating and can quickly sweep you off your feet.
However, this charm is usually short-lived. Once they feel they’ve secured your affection and commitment, the mask tends to slip. The attentive lover may become distant and critical. The compliments may turn into subtle put-downs.
This sudden switch can be very disorienting and hurtful. But knowing this pattern can save you from a lot of heartache. Always remember, real love isn’t just about grand gestures and sweet words. It’s about consistency, respect, and mutual care.
5) They’re intensely sensitive to criticism
Another telltale sign of a covert narcissist is their hypersensitivity to criticism. Even the smallest suggestion or feedback can be met with intense defensiveness or even a full-blown tantrum.
No one enjoys being criticized, of course, but a covert narcissist takes it to another level. They view any form of criticism as a personal attack and respond with disproportionate anger or withdrawal.
I recall working with a woman whose partner would shut down completely whenever she brought up any issue or concern in their relationship. He would give her the silent treatment for days, making her feel guilty for expressing her feelings.
This extreme sensitivity often stems from the narcissist’s inflated sense of self. They see themselves as perfect and above reproach, so any suggestion to the contrary is seen as a threat.
If you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to voice your concerns or needs for fear of your partner’s reaction, it may be time to reassess your relationship. Remember, communication is key in any healthy relationship. You deserve to be heard without fear of retaliation or punishment.
6) They use your secrets against you
This is a tough one to swallow, but it’s crucial to recognize. Covert narcissists have a tendency to use your personal secrets or vulnerabilities against you.
In the early stages of a relationship, they may seem genuinely interested in getting to know you, encouraging you to open up and share your deepest fears and insecurities. However, this information can later be weaponized and used as ammunition during arguments or to manipulate you.
It’s a betrayal of your trust, plain and simple. It’s cruel, it’s calculated, and it’s a sign that you’re dealing with a covert narcissist.
If your partner uses your vulnerabilities against you, remember this: it is not a reflection of your worth or value. It is a reflection of their inability to respect and cherish the trust you’ve placed in them.
This is not normal and it’s certainly not okay. You deserve a partner who respects your vulnerabilities, not one who exploits them.
7) They always need to be in control
A covert narcissist often has an incessant need to control everything – from decisions made in your relationship to the way you dress or spend your time. They might disguise this control as concern for you, but in reality, it’s all about maintaining power.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this play out in my counseling sessions. I remember one woman who told me her partner would dictate what she could wear, who she could see, and even what she could eat. He would justify these actions by saying he was just looking out for her, but it was clear he was exerting control.
As the great Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed.” If you find yourself constantly being controlled or restricted by your partner, know that it’s not love or concern – it’s a form of oppression.
You have a right to live your life on your own terms. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.
8) They never take responsibility
Here’s a raw truth: a covert narcissist rarely, if ever, takes responsibility for their actions.
They have an uncanny ability to shift the blame onto others, refusing to acknowledge their role in any conflict or problem. They’ll always find a way to make it about what you did wrong, not what they could have done differently.
You might hear phrases like “You’re too sensitive” or “You’re overreacting” rather than an honest apology or acknowledgment of their mistakes. This can leave you feeling confused and guilty, constantly questioning your judgment and sanity.
But here’s the thing: it’s not you. It’s them. Their refusal to take responsibility is a reflection of their narcissism, not your worth or credibility.
If you’re constantly blamed for everything that goes wrong in your relationship, it’s time to take a step back and reassess. You deserve someone who can admit their mistakes and work towards improving themselves, not someone who deflects and denies their shortcomings.
Navigating a relationship with a covert narcissist can be challenging and emotionally draining. But knowing the signs can empower you to make the best decisions for your emotional health and well-being.
Remember, your feelings and experiences are valid. Don’t let anyone make you doubt your worth or reality.
If you’ve identified with any of these signs, I encourage you to delve deeper into understanding and overcoming such relationships in my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship. It’s designed to help individuals just like you navigate through difficult relationships and reclaim their independence.
And always remember, you deserve to be in a relationship that respects, cherishes, and nurtures you. Don’t settle for anything less.
