When you’re in bed with your guy, there are lots of things going on and it can be overwhelming to try to figure out if this guy is really in love with you or if he’s just looking for a quick fix.
Depending on where you are in your relationship, you may already know and be comfortable with him enough to know where his heart is at, but if you’re just getting started or taking things slow, you might not know what he’s thinking about the whole situation.
One of the best places to figure out if he’s in love or if he’s just lusting after you is in the bedroom.
Take your cues from these signs to settle your internal debate and enjoy the time you spend together.
1. He looks you in the eye
When you look someone directly in the eye during sex, you’re exposing yourself emotionally.
It’s an essential part of developing a deep connection, and not something most people will want to do with a one-night stand or a casual fling.
If you find your guy wants to gaze right into your eyes during the crucial moments, or during a lingering post-coital embrace, he’s definitely thinking loving thoughts and catching those loving feelings.
When you look each other in the eyes, you’re laid bare to each other. It makes you vulnerable, and vulnerability is part of love.
You’ll be able to tell pretty easily from his expression how he’s feeling when he looks right at you.
2. He feels like your hero
When you’re in bed, does he feel like your hero? Does he want to protect you?
If so, then you can bet your bottom dollar that he loves making love to you.
In fact, scientists and psychologists have written about a new concept called the hero instinct.
The hero instinct is the desire that men have to step up for the woman in their lives and protect them. This is hardwired into their DNA.
Men thrive on being there for their partner and providing them something no one else can.
And it’s up to the woman to trigger this instinct in him. Because when his hero instinct is triggered, a man is much more likely to commit to being in a deep, passionate and long lasting relationship.
The best way to understand the hero instinct is to watch this great online video. It’s 100% free and there are no strings attached.
James Bauer, the relationship psychologist who first discovered the hero instinct, provides an excellent introduction to this transformative concept.
I have a friend who told me, after a couple of glasses of wine, that this short video changed the way she acted on dates with men (I’d love to tell you what else she said, but I think I’ll protect her modesty!)
3. He looks at you when he thinks you’re not looking at him
Even if your guy isn’t big on eye contact, that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not into you.
Some guys can find the intensity of emotion that you get with prolonged eye contact hard to deal with.
But he might still be looking at you with love.
Do you catch him gazing at you in the post-coital haze, when he thinks you haven’t seen him?
It might just be that he finds that easier than eye contact, but it means just the same thing. He’s into you, big time.
4. He’s emotional
It’s normal for both men and women to get emotional during and after sex. It’s natural that, if you care for someone, you’ll feel a rush of strong feelings if you’ve just spent time being intimate.
When love starts to develop, sex stops being purely about physical pleasure and starts to be about developing your bond as two humans.
Those intense emotions can even lead to crying. Loving sex that involves strong physical pleasure causes extremes of heightened emotions. When that happens, the body releases those emotions as tears.
Whether he cries or not, if your guy is visibly emotional after sex, it’s likely that your growing bond is leading to some overwhelmingly strong feelings.
If that sounds scary, don’t worry. It’s entirely normal and a good indication that he’s happy to be vulnerable and open with you.
5. He feels like he’s doing his ‘job’
What do you think men really want from a woman when it comes to sex and intimacy?
A firecracker in bed? A woman with a flat tummy and big chest?
Spoiler alert: men don’t really care for these ‘qualities’ at all.
Because when it comes to sex, what men really want is for their prowess to be validated. That he’s satisfying the woman he cares about.
In other words, men want to feel like they’re doing their ‘job’ as a man.
Nothing makes a man feel more masculine than satisfying his woman. Men are hardwired to make women happy. Doing this gives them the sense of meaning and purpose they crave.
When men feel like they’re not doing their ‘job’ in the bedroom, they can pull away. It doesn’t matter if the relationship is seemingly going well in other areas.
Even if the sizzle has gone from your relationship and you’re not having sex as often as before, there are certain things you can do for him that will feed this very natural male ego.
Felicity Keith is a 42-year old soccer mum who struggled for a long time with low self-esteem between the sheets.
Now a global relationship coach in demand, Felicity teaches women how to seize control of their relationship by capturing their man’s mind and imagination.
If you want “tried and tested” words, phrases, and text messages to make him feel like he’s doing his ‘job’, you don’t want to miss her new video.
6. He wants to know what you like
Ever been with a guy who’s got all the moves in bed, but never bothers to stop to ask what you actually want?
For some guys, pleasing you is more about his ego than your pleasure.
But when a guy is really into you, he’ll be super keen to know exactly what you want him to do.
He wants to turn you on partly because he’s fallen for you, and he just can’t help himself.
He finds it hot to know that you’re satisfied, and he cares just as much about that as his own pleasure.
He also wants you to stick around, and if that’s going to happen, he knows you’ll want to feel cherished.
7. He’s patient with your hangups
Most of us have a sexual hangup or two, and most of us have had bad experiences at some time.
While developing a relationship with someone new can help you get over these, it can also set you back.
Guys who love you, know this.
They’re endlessly patient and don’t expect you to simply get past things that have been bothering you with a snap of the fingers.
He’ll accept without question that, while he can encourage and support you, you’re the only person who can decide your own boundaries.
If he’s patient with you, willing to wait and talk through any worries you have, you’re onto a winner.
8. He gives because he wants to, not just to receive
As well as making sure that you’re getting what you need in bed, a guy that loves you will give freely and without expectation.
Of course, a healthy sexual relationship will involve both giving and receiving on the part of both partners. But it’s not a transaction, and no loving guy will see it as such. He wants to have the opportunity to give, and for you to love receiving.
Giving (inside the bedroom and outside of it) because a man genuinely wants to make you happy is a tell-tale sign of the hero instinct. I mentioned this concept above.
What do you think drives men in relationships?
You may believe that men are all about money, sex, food, sports, and power.
Sure, those things all come into play at times. But I think there is a deeper truth that few women are aware of.
Men are actually driven less by those external things above and more by how you make them feel about themselves.
The simple truth is that men want to be your everyday hero. And if you want your relationship to succeed, you’ll let him be one.
How do you trigger the hero instinct in him?
The best thing you can do is watch this excellent free video by relationship psychologist James Bauer.
He outlines the things you can say or do — right now — to trigger this very natural male instinct.
Some ideas are game changes. When it comes to relationships, I think this is one of them.
9. He’s adventurous, but never tries to persuade
Part of the pleasure of meeting someone new is exploring new things in bed together. You’re getting to know what makes the other tick, and part of that might be talking about things you’d like to try together.
But the key word there is ‘together’. A man who loves you in bed will only want to try things that you’re just as keen on as him.
If you tell him that you’re not into something that he wants to do, he’ll accept that without trying to talk you into it.
When your needs are as important to him (if not more so), than his own, he wouldn’t dream of trying to persuade you into things that you’re not comfortable with.
10. He takes responsibility for contraception
Women are the ones who end up pregnant and so, by default, it’s usually women that take charge of contraception.
But when a man really cares about you, he’ll think it’s just as important as you do to talk about contraception and to agree together how you’ll keep each other safe.
As well as making sure you’re using reliable birth control, that means condoms until you’ve both been tested clear for STIs.
Even if he’s always practiced safe sex, he’ll want to make sure you know he’s clear before you make any decisions.
11. He takes time to kiss
Kissing is usually the first sexual act you’ll indulge in together and it can be incredibly intimate.
It’s vital to the process of bonding and developing a loving connection between you.
Often, you just know from the way a man kisses you how he feels about you.
Tender, warm, loving kisses are hard to fake, so if that’s what you’re getting, you should be confident of his feelings for you.
If he’s happy to spend time just kissing on the couch without it always leading to sex, that’s a really good sign, as is taking time during sex just to enjoy kissing and touching, rather than always rushing straight in.
If you want to strengthen the relationship you have with your man (before, during and after sex), please take our new quiz below. Find out what you can do to win his love and devotion for good:
12. He’s focused on more than penetration
While there’s nothing wrong with a quickie, a man who’s falling in love with you will want more than just quickies.
If he wants to take time with foreplay and isn’t in a rush to finish before you’re ready, then that’s a great sign he’s loving being with you.
A man who’s falling in love with you will want to make you feel cherished. He’ll spend time doing whatever it is you need to get there before he does.
He’ll enjoy the process of exploring together as much as the end result.
13. He’ll stop the second you ask him to
Sometimes, even when you’re enjoying yourself in bed, something will happen that means you need to stop.
Maybe you’re getting some pain, or you feel anxious about contraception, or you’re just not feeling it.
It happens to us all, and you can tell a lot about your guy’s feelings for you by his reaction when it does.
A man who’s really into you will stop without question or hesitation as soon as he knows there’s something wrong.
He might feel frustrated, but he won’t tell you that. All he’ll care about is making sure you feel OK.
14. He makes an effort before sex, not just during
For many of us, attraction starts long before we get to the bedroom.
A guy who understands that and makes the effort to have good times with you before and after sex might just be a guy who’s falling for you.
That might mean a meal out in a swanky restaurant and a few cocktails, but it doesn’t have to be.
He’ll make the time to find out what your perfect day is, and then happily spend it with you, whether it’s mooching around art galleries, or heading out hiking.
It’ll be important to him to spend good times with you doing things other than sex, and because he does that, the sex will be even better.
15. He doesn’t expect sex every time
When you’re with someone new, you’ll usually have sex every time you meet. But there will come a night when you just can’t.
Maybe you’re not feeling well, maybe you’ve been out for a three-course dinner and are too full to move, or maybe you’re just exhausted after a stressful work week.
If a guy is serious about you, he’ll be happy to sit and cuddle and watch a movie instead.
Maybe he’ll be disappointed, but he won’t tell you that he is. However much he loves and looks forward to sex with you, he also loves spending time and being close with you.
16. He wants to sleep curled up together
Have you ever had sex with a guy who rolled over to the other side of the bed and started snoring as soon as he got the condom off?
Or worse, decided to go home? It’s a weird feeling when that happens, and you know that it means things just aren’t quite right.
When a guy loves you in bed, he’ll want to stay connected and close long after you’ve stopped having sex.
He’ll want to hold you close and sleep wrapped up with you all night long.
17. He takes his time.
Your guy is in love if he is taking his time getting started and wanting to enjoy the entire process of lovemaking.
Some guys can’t help themselves and it’s all very exciting, but if he’s really in love with you then he’ll show you by making sure the experience isn’t rushed…or interrupted.
He’ll plan out time to be with you and make sure that you’re comfortable and enjoying yourself too.
18. He’s passionate and emotional.
If your guy is totally picking up what you’re putting down and falling head over heels in love with you, you’ll know it because he’ll become so passionate and emotional while you’re together.
That doesn’t mean he’s going to cry like a child, but he may become overwhelmed with emotion or express his desire for you using words or a more intense lovemaking experience.
19. He adores every part of you.
This guy is right for you and in love with you if he’s paying attention to all of your body, not just the sexy parts.
Because women are often so self-conscious about their bodies, men tend to stick to the basics, but if he’s kissing you all over and making your feel better about yourself than you normally do, you can bet that he’s falling hard.
20. He pays attention to you.
He’s not just in it to win if for himself and wants to make sure that you are having a good time too.
That’s how you can tell the difference between someone who is there for you and not just themselves.
While every couple goes through ups and downs in their relationships, this guy is holding true to the fact that you desire and deserve attention and is doing what he can to ensure you get what you want.
21. He wants to meet your needs.
Because lovemaking is very intimate, it can be hard for couples to express their desires and needs, especially from a sexual perspective.
You know this guy is all over you and in love if he is asking you what you want and going out of his way to make you feel comfortable.
After a while, sex can feel like a chore to some couples but he’s still in love or just fell in love if he’s asking and delivering what you want and need.
22. He locks eyes with you.
When a guy is just there for a quick fix, he’s not going to pay much attention to you; he’s not going to ask you what you want and need; he’s not going to look you in the eye for long, if at all.
Sex is very different than lovemaking and if you’re wondering if your guy is in love or just in lust, pay attention to how he looks at you while you’re in bed together. It’s the major giveaway sign that he’s in love.
Here’s what you need to remember
Sex is a vital part of a growing relationship for both men and women. When you first meet someone new, it’s mostly about fun and physical pleasure.
As things progress, it changes. For guys in particular, sex is a way to show love.
Often, men will show their love through the way they have sex long before they actually say the words.
You’ll know because:
- He’ll look you in the eye ‒ he just can’t help it.
- If he finds eye contact hard, he might be more into looking at you lovingly when he thinks you won’t notice.
- He’ll get emotional, and might even cry.
- He wants to know exactly how to turn you on.
- He loves to give as much (or more) than to receive.
- He’ll work through your hangups and worries.
- He’s up for trying things out, but only if you’re 100% on board.
- He knows that contraception isn’t just your problem.
- He loves to kiss you.
- He makes time (lots of time) for foreplay.
- He doesn’t get angry or upset if you need to stop.
- He wants to do fun things together before sex.
- He’s OK with it if you’re just too tired.
- He wants to sleep curled up with you all night long.
Once you know where to look for them, the signs that a guy loves you in bed are pretty easy to spot.
When you see them, the sex will get even better as you start to relax, and the bond between you will start to grow.
Do you love him during sex, too?
Although men aren’t always easy to read in the bedroom, these 21 no bullsh*t signs will help you figure out whether it’s love or just lust.
However, the question remains: do YOU love him back?
Because if you do want to develop a passionate and loving relationship with him, you need to check out this free online video by relationship expert James Bauer.
He’ll introduce to you a radical new concept in relationship psychology called the hero instinct. I’ve talked about this briefly above.
Men are different to women and they want different things when it comes to a relationship. I think learning about the hero instinct holds the key to gaining a man’s love and devotion for life.
The real reason why men pull away
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