Dating in 2023 can be confusing as hell.
Not that it was ever simple, but we’re living in a world of almost limitless options and shorter attention spans than ever before.
We’ve never had so much choice and been so lonely at the same time as a society.That’s especially true when it comes to sex, dating, and romance.
Everyone has their own rules of the road, and one person’s epic love story can be another person’s random piece of tail.
Here’s how to tell if you’re just a hookup for someone.
15 undeniable signs you’re just a hookup and nothing more
1) You only get a call or text back when they want you for sex
The biggest of the undeniable signs you’re just a hookup and nothing more is that your crush only gets in touch when he or she wants sex.
You’re like an item on a menu, and they contact you and swipe on you like you’re human iFood.
It’s not exactly flattering, although if that’s what you’re looking for too it could fit the bill.
So pay attention, because if this person is almost always only contacting you for a booty call then they just see you as a hookup.
2) You’re always a fallback plan and your schedule doesn’t matter
There’s one thing that every person does when they really like someone or potentially might: they’re considerate.
When you’re always a Plan B and expected to accommodate your schedule to somebody else, you’re not a serious option.
You’re just a hookup.
If you have felt it can be easy to convince yourself that you’re imagining their behavior is so bad.
But if they’re doing this to you, then you’re not: they really are that inconsiderate.
3) Nothing you say matters to them
Another of the classic and undeniable signs you’re just a hookup and nothing more is that nothing you say matters to them.
This person may flatter you with random compliments or even love bomb you with frequent praise when you first get together…
But when it comes to actually listen to you on any deeper level than the odd comment or joke, they’re out.
They just don’t care.
You’re only a ten-minute thrill for them, and that’s it.
4) Your future hopes and dreams are ignored
You may believe you’re dating someone and it’s more than just fun. I sincerely hope that’s the case.
But one of the warning signs you’re just a hookup and nothing more is that your future hopes and dreams mean nothing to the other person.
It goes in one ear and out the other.
Your future dreams don’t matter to this individual, because they don’t have plans for you in their future.
Harsh, but true.
5) You still haven’t found what you’re looking for
Far too many of us, myself included, have ended up stuck in awful relationships or empty encounters, never really finding what we’re looking for and continuing to feel horrible about things like being seen as nothing but a hookup.
Earlier I mentioned the shaman Rudá Iandê and his video about how to resolve this problem.
All too often, we fall in love with an ideal version of someone instead of the real person or build up hope in somebody who doesn’t deserve it.
We try to “fix” our partners and end up destroying relationships or a partnership that could have been.
We try to find someone who “completes” us, only to fall apart with them next to us and feel twice as bad.
Rudá’s teachings showed me a whole new perspective on why I was feeling so devalued in my dating, and I’m confident they’ll help you make a breakthrough as well.
6) Romantic dates? Forget about it
A person who’s only using you doesn’t put in the effort. That means romantic dates and get-togethers basically never happen.
If they do, you’ll notice they’re almost always short, last-minute, and at night before heading back to one of your places.
Other than using time out to cue you up for sex, dates are off the table.
It’s a top sign that you’re nothing more than a hookup to the other individual.
7) They’re not there for you when something goes wrong
It’s important to have someone there to back you up when the chips are down.
Hopefully, that could include friends, family, and other kind people you come across, including your significant other and somebody you’re dating.
But when you’re nothing more than a hookup for someone, their level of care for you is generally very low. For this reason, they’re not there when you need some help or even just need somebody to talk to.
8) They never want to define what your relationship is
It’s true that focusing too much on labeling a relationship can be exhausting and stressful.
But actively avoiding the subject can also go way too far.
One of the top undeniable signs you’re just a hookup and nothing more is that your partner doesn’t want to define what you are together.
You’re a “friend,” you’re “dating,” you’re kind of “together” but not “real.”
Whatever. You’re a hookup.
9) They usually disappear quickly after sex
Those who are looking for just a hookup generally don’t stick around long after the act. They get their physical pleasure and dash whenever possible.
They may eat a bite after or stay to watch a show for an hour.
But they’re more or less focused on the door as soon as they’ve gotten their kicks.
10) They put minimal effort in with you
Putting in less effort is not only an issue with somebody who’s not serious about you. It can even happen in long marriages and serious relationships.
But if this guy or girl is putting in minimal effort with you, then you need to consider the simplest rationale:
They probably don’t see you as much more than a temporary fun time.
I’m not saying that’s always true, and they could be going through their own issues, but generally, it’s the main reason why someone puts in zero effort.
11) They prefer not to be seen as a couple in public
Another of the undeniable signs you’re just a hookup and nothing more is that the other person doesn’t like to be seen together with you in public.
If they are, it’s a few feet away from you and acting quite casual with no public displays of affection.
It will be obvious to you that this person doesn’t want others to think you’re a couple.
The reason is generally that they don’t want the trouble of explaining who you are or feeling awkward about being out with a hookup in the public eye.
It’s kind of a humiliating situation all around, especially if you thought you meant something more to this person.
12) They’re selfish in sex
If somebody is just using you as a hookup, it seems like the least you could ask for is that the physical side is very enticing anyway.
But in more cases than not, this person will be a selfish lover, using you for his or her pleasure with little regard to what you’re getting out of it.
Selfishness in sex is a much bigger issue than just in hookups, but it’s definitely one of the top signs that this is only a hookup for the other individual.
If they thought or hoped more of you, they would make a point of not treating you like a discardable object.
13) You’re told straight up that it’s non-exclusive and non-serious
This sign seems obvious, but many people overthink it.
If your partner tells you directly that they aren’t looking for more, that this isn’t exclusive, and that they still consider themselves single, take them at their word. For far too many of us, when we have feelings we read into this and think… well maybe, just maybe, I’ll be the one exception to break through this person’s hard shell.
Or, maybe not.
Your job is not to convert or help someone see the value in you or commit to you. That’s up to them. And you have no obligation to stick around while they decide, either.
14) They gaslight you if you ask for more
Another of the top undeniable signs you’re just a hookup and nothing more is that the other person gaslights you if you ask for more.
If you say you have feelings or thought they wanted more because of mixed messages, they tend to tell you that you were imagining anything more or that you somehow turned them off by your neediness.
The common factor is that somehow everything is always your fault.
Funny how that works.
15) They only open up to you when they need to vent
Another of the worrying and undeniable signs you’re just a hookup and nothing more is that they only open up to you when they need to vent.
I’ve been on the receiving end of this myself, and it tricked me at first.
Wow, this girl is really opening up to me, I thought. She must really be into me.
Not so. She just wanted a sounding board to vent at and use for emotional and physical comfort for a while.
Standing up for yourself
If you just want a hookup then you’re good to go.
But if you want something more and you’re realizing the other person doesn’t feel the same it’s a sinking feeling.
This is when people go in one of two directions: They cut down their expectations and pretend to be satisfied by being just a hookup in order to cling to any shred of intimacy.
Or they put their foot down and say that this isn’t what they’re looking for and hold out for someone who meets their standards.
I encourage you to be in the second category.
It’s important to stand up for yourself.
Don’t change what you believe or what you’re looking for on account of somebody else.
As a leading inventor and businessman, Bernard Baruch said, “be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”
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