10 reasons sex isn’t as important as you think

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Biologically, sex is the start of all life.

It’s also a huge part of many people’s lives:

Finding sex, having sex, discussing sex and making sure sex is as enjoyable – or meaningful – as possible consume many people’s days and nights when they’re not working.

But whether it’s relationships or casual, the truth is that sex isn’t as important as you think.

Here’s why.

10 reasons sex isn’t as important as you think

1) Sex can’t replace real emotional intimacy and connection

There’s nothing wrong with sex. In fact, it can be a beautiful expression of intimacy and erotic desire.

Whatever your beliefs surrounding sex and rules and responsibility around sex, the fact of the matter is that sex is clearly a natural part of life.

But sex is also not some magic wand that will make your life amazing.

It won’t fill a hole inside of you, or patch up long awkward silences with your partner. Those will still come right back after you’re done wriggling in the horizontal rodeo.

Sex doesn’t replace real emotional intimacy and connection.

Yes, sex can sometimes enhance an existing connection, but it will never substitute for it…

2) Sex won’t make you happy

Following on the last point, sex won’t make you happy.

If you’re looking at sex as a glossy Hollywood dream full of tanned curves and exquisite pleasure, you’re eventually in for a rude awakening.

In fact, numerous people who’ve chased sex as a way to fill the emptiness inside or run from the pain can tell you that it left them high and dry.

When you try to use sex as a drug,  the rush gets smaller and smaller each time.

Wow, so you jammed your body parts up in somebody else, or got banged like crazy by some random person from Tinder. How thrilling…

It can all start to get just a little bit old.

“Many people equate their sex lives to their happiness. But the truth is, they’re not connected at all: it’s all in your mind.

“There are happy people who have a lot of sex, and there are happy people who don’t have a lot of sex, or don’t have it at all,” writes Carrie Whitmer.

3) Sex can become ego fuel and drive narcissism and selfishness

Making sex too much a part of your life can fuel your ego and your worst impulses.

If sex becomes about “getting” what you want and “having” the girls or guys who appeal to you, you can turn into a real creep.

What I’m saying here is that people who become like collectors of human beings in their sexual experiences are far from exemplary.

They give off a “user” vibe and generally seem like sad folks…

When you treat people as sex objects, it can blinker your vision and make you miss out on so much more of what others have to offer.

Yes, eroticism and desire are important parts of life, but they’re not the only thing.

4) Sex can destroy relationships if it’s too much of a focus

In terms of relationships and sex, there’s a fine balance to be had.

Sex definitely matters, but making it the centerpiece of your relationship can wreck everything good you have.

Part of the reason is that it’s very rare for two people to have a matching sex drive over the years. Ask any married couple.

If you expect perfect sexual synchronicity because you had a few hot lovemaking sessions early in your relationship or marriage, you need to take a reality check.

Sexual differences can be tough, but they’re a part of life.

As Sian Ferguson observes:

“Some people don’t mind waiting for a partner’s libido to return. Others don’t mind meeting their partner’s libido and sexual desires and having little to no sex.

“Some may struggle with a lack of sex in the long term. It can be tough to manage this when sex is very important to you and not important to your partner.”

5) Sex matters, but without foreplay, it can get really stale

Another thing about sex is that too much of it makes it boring.

Women I know often complain about men not having enough appreciation for foreplay. They just want to go for the main act.

This, generally, turns women off and makes them think of these guys as kind of desperate and unattractive.

Without foreplay, you’re basically cranking a fine automobile to top speed without any time to let it warm up.

You’re wanting to hit a home run before the national anthem’s even been sung at the baseball game, to extend the metaphor.

It’s just not very erotic to dive straight into sex or always have it as your goal…

“It’s a good idea to get excited together sometimes—just for a minute or two, even when you’re not going to have sex—because it feels good.

“Just a minute or two before falling asleep, or before leaving for work, can do a lot to improve the erotic climate of your relationship,” says sex therapist Stephen Snyder, MD.

6) Sex isn’t always as interesting as people think

Sex can be the most fascinating thing in the world, especially when you’re going through puberty.

But when you’re in a settled relationship – even with someone who rocks your socks off – there will be times that sex gets a bit boring.

It’s nothing personal, usually, it’s just that our bodies need a break sometimes and sex can become routine if you’re having it a lot.

Ian Fortey has the goods on this:

“In one survey, 62 percent of women admitted to stopping mid slip-n-slide to check their phone, because that’s how important sex is sometimes – good, but not unread text good…

“It’s not just the phone that is more attractive than bumping grundles, either. 21 percent of women prefer TV to some spunk hockey, and while 21 percent isn’t helping you pass any tests, it’s still one in five.

“One in five women, when presented with the option of riding the slippery seal, just shrug and put on Top Chef.”


7) Sexual attraction waxes and wanes

Like the tides, our sexual urges come and go. That’s nature for you.

Basing too much on sex can leave your self-esteem devastated if you start suffering from something like erectile dysfunction or feeling uninterested in sex.

If you tend toward asexuality, then our culture’s focus on sex can also make you feel of lower value or “damaged” in some way.

The truth is that sexual attraction isn’t just a 24/7 bolt of electricity. It comes and goes, and sometimes it needs to recharge.

Take the foot off the pedal sometimes and let sex take a backseat.

8) Putting sex first too often can twist your mind

Sex does matter. But sex isn’t as important as you think. And when you buy into the social messaging that puts it front and center, you can torch a perfectly good relationship.

For one thing, everyone moves at different speeds.

If you want to sleep together with someone too fast it can spook them.

In addition, if you’re having sex with someone but find it’s not enjoyable much to you and use that as criteria to leave them then you may find yourself deeply regretting the decision down the line…

Noah Redd spells this out:

“There are so many societal messages that insist that any relationship that lacks sex is broken, defective, or doomed.

“This encourages people to force a sexual attraction that may not be there, engage in a physical relationship that isn’t working or to entirely discard a relationship that may have immense value in other ways, rather than simply focusing on what works and setting aside what doesn’t.”

So true.

9) Sex addiction is closely tied to serious psychological and personal issues

Another reason not to make sex so important in your life is that it can easily go from a pleasure or bonding activity to an actual addiction.

Sex is not always so remarkable, as I wrote above, but it does fire off all sorts of dopamine receptors and pleasure centers in the brain.

It feels good.

That can get boring over time, but it can still get you hooked.

Then you search for bigger and bigger hits to get your fix until you’re in an alley somewhere doing God knows what…

Sex addiction is real and – unlike jokes about it in the movies – it’s actually not very funny at all.

The only good films I’ve seen which treat the tragic and empty side of sex addiction are Good Dick (2008) and Shame (2011).

10) Amazing sex can cloak a shallow, toxic relationship

When sex is great it can make you forget everything else.

Even if you’re together with a person who mostly bores you, your libido wants to get them back under the sheets and get back to the fun stuff.

This can lead to months – sometimes even years – of pretending there’s a deeper connection that’s just not there.

As Anjie Unlayao writes:

“It sucks that some people just engage in relationships because they just want someone who would be constantly there for them whenever they need someone; most especially when they feel horny.

“That shouldn’t be how relationships work. You should be in a relationship because you are madly in love with the person who is your other half.”

Sex vs. love: which is more important?

If I were to ask you which is more important, sex or romantic love, what would you say?

My first instinct would be to say both.

But thinking on it more deeply and studying the subject I have to say that love would come first for me.

Do they have to be mutually exclusive? Absolutely not.

And is sex dirty or shameful in some way? God forbid…The fundamental act of physical intimacy between human beings is a wonderful thing…

But at the end of the day, that deeper energetic and emotional connection that transcends – and sometimes infuses – sex just means so much more.

What do you think?

Is it possible to have a relationship where sex and love are both amazing or is it always lopsided?

Which is most important to you?

Can a relationship coach help you too?

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